From: JingerLuvv Date: 19 Nov 2000 19:45:54 GMT Subject: NEW: "101 Ways to Say No to Sex (With Your Partner)" Title: "101 Way to Say NO to Sex (With Your Partner)" Author: virtue_fluttering Rating: PG13 Spoilers: none Category: H for humor Summary: Mulder finds a pamphlet on his desk. Disclaimer: Uh-huh. Mulder, Scully, Skinner, not mine, never will be. I'm just that 17 year old girl in St. Louis who worships them and the awesome writers who put the words in their mouths (not to mention the actors who *own* said mouths). This story is for Erika, my fabulous friend and awesome beta reader--you are all that and a bag of sunflower seeds, Jolene, Jo Moore, my ML/XF pal Aubrey, and all the members of the Church of X, who don't have a closed-door policy on lurking and for that I will always be grateful. Second Disclaimer: This story is meant to be humorous (hopefully) and entertaining. It is in no way intended to make light of or denounce virginity or chastity. Though I'm the first one to make light of myself, I respect other people's choices. ************************************************** 1:05 Dana Scully's relieved sigh cut through the silent elevator. She lowered the arm which bore her wrist watch so that it fell into a parallel alignment with the one that held her briefcase. It had been a rough morning. She'd finally arrived at the hospital to retrieve the copy of the blood work up on the young woman in Florida through fifteen minutes of traffic, only to catch twenty minutes on the way back. Now, nearly an hour past her slated lunch period, she was positively ravenous. *Ding* The doors slid open onto the basement floor and she briskly made her way to the door that was now infamous in her mind. She glanced at the lone nameplate and a smile of sardonic amusement played at the corner of her lips. Then her stomach growled and she remembered that nourishment came first. "I think everybody decided to go out to lunch early today." Scully started as she entered the office. She found Mulder sitting behind his desk, his feet propped up on the edge, a common pose for both of them on days when they had paperwork to draw up on a case. She set the file she'd sought out in front of him. "Hopefully we can try for that tomorrow," she set the file she'd sought out in front of him, "but in the meantime, I don't think it's too late to manage some semblance of it." All while she had been talking, Mulder hadn't looked up from what he was reading. "You coming?" "Just a sec.." Scully sighed in exasperation, and realized that her hunger was beginning to talk for her. "Mulder, we have a meeting with Skinner right after lunch. I think the last thing he wants to hear while berating us for our findings on this last case is the sound of our stomachs growling in tandem." "He'll be yelling too loud to hear anything, and besides I think someone wants me to catch up on my reading." "What are you talking about?" He reached across the small space to hand her a folded slip of paper. "I found that on my desk blotter this morning." Scully eyed the pamphlet in her hand. "'One Hundred and One Ways to Say No to Sex'?" "I've seen this before. It's printed by ETR Associates. It's marketed to high schools and colleges all over the country as recommended reading material. Abstinence is in." "I can see where this would be effective material for the average oversexed coed, but how did it end up on your desk?" "Maybe Skinner's trying to tell me something." "Well, whatever it is, it's hardly worth missing lunch over." She set it back down in front of him. "Come on, let's go." "No, no, wait a minute Scully. Read a couple of these with me. Some of them are really funny." He got up from behind his desk to follow her to the door, picking up the pamphlet along the way. "Mulder, what could be so hilarious about not having sex?" "I don't know, but I hear a lot of snickering when I enter the men's room." Scully sighed, opening the door. "That's because they think you *are* having sex, Mulder." As soon as she said it, a wave of embarrassed regret rolled over her. "They do?" he asked incredulously, a barely restrained chuckle at the back if his throat, "with who?" Scully pursed her lips, her gaze casually looking for another place to lock onto other than her partner, who didn't look like he was going to drop the issue anytime soon. "Us?" he threw his hand over his chest in mock astonishment. "You and me, Scully? Is that what they think of us? You and me. Dana Scully and Fox Mulder. Mr. and Mrs. Spooky. They think all we do to while away the hours down in that basement is look at slides, throw pencils at the ceiling, and test the durability of various pieces of office furniture?" "Well, technically *you're* the only one who throws pencils at the ceiling. And you also appear to have a testosterone-driven dominance over the slide projector, but apparently so." "Well, then maybe we need to learn a few ways to say no," he handed her the pamphlet as he buckled himself into the seat. ************************************************** Scully's body seemed to give a great sigh of relief as she gracefully began shovelling forkfuls of romaine lettuce into her mouth. Within the comforting confinement of the passenger seat, she balanced her salad on one slim thigh. On the other, Mulder's pamphlet lay open so that she could read the large print in between bites. As could Mulder if he strained his eyes toward her side of the car. At some point neither of them could name, they'd begun reading the list in the first person. " 'I don't feel comfortable.' " Scully read aloud. "We can always change positions." "I don't think that's what they meant, Mulder." "I didn't say that's what *they* meant.." ************************************************** " 'Let's get something to eat.' " "Well, that's what I had in mind--" he leaned in close to her to get his point across. "Moving on.." ************************************************** " 'I have a sunburn.' " "....where?!" "Never mind.." "And precisely how did we come about receiving said sunburn?" "Sorry Mulder, that's between me and Skinner." "What?!" Scully rewarded his shocked expression with an amused smile. "Oh, you think you're so funny, don't you?" "Well I don't know about me, but the look on your face a few seconds ago was pretty comical." "Always happy to entertain you, Scully." ************************************************** "'I love you--'" "Aww.." "--but not *that* much.'" "..awwww. Tease." "You love it." "True." ************************************************** "'Don't make me laugh.'" "Oh Mulder, if I wanted to make you laugh, I would do this." Her fingertips found the soft part of his sides just below the rib-cage. "Yaaa! Scully!" he jumped in his seat, startled, then squireled away from her hands. "And you said you didn't have a girlie scream." He ignored the comment and stared at her in astonishment. "How did you know about that?" "Mulder, we've worked together for almost eight years, what *don't* I know about you?" "Lots of things." "Like what?" "Well... "Mulder?" "Are you going to keep reading Scully?" "That's what I thought." she nodded. "'Cause if you're not, I'm going to read a few of these." He peered over her shoulder at the item in question. "Fine Mulder, but as long as *you're driving*, it stays in *my* lap." "You'll get no objections from me." "Somehow I didn't think I would.." ************************************************** " 'My favorite show's on now.' " "On what station: the Playboy Channel or the Spice Channel?" "The Fox Network." "Which show?" "Anything but Ally McBeal." "You don't care for Calista Flockhart, Mulder?" "I like someone I can take out to dinner." ************************************************** " 'I just got my hair done.' " "There's a classic if I ever heard one." "Well you realize why they get the hair done before the date, don't you?" "Deflection?" "Mmm-hmm." "I always figured.." "Yeah." "I mean, that's why *I* always got it done." "Right..wait <> a minute, what?" ************************************************** " 'How about a movie instead?' " "What did you have in mind?" "Something not on the Playboy and/or Spice Channel." "..Well that narrows the field a bit." ************************************************** " 'I have a headache.' " "Oh God," he groaned behind his cupped hands, "that's the oldest excuse in history. Even the Egyptians had a word for it spelled out in hieroglyphics." "They did?" "Yeah, you didn't know that? It's very interesting, it's a picture of a woman fast asleep in a double bed with a man lying on the floor next to her wide awake." "I have a feeling you're being flippant, but I wouldn't be surprised." "Flippant? Moi?" ************************************************** " 'I'm allergic to sex.' " "Whoa...That's one I've never heard before." "I have. In school, one of our counselors recommended it as a possible preventative measure." "Another example of the Catholic school system at work. Did it work?" "Who tried it?" "Scully, I'm *shocked*." "Sorry to disappoint you, Mulder. But the only thing *bad* about me was that I listened to those stories my classmates told in the girl's locker room." "Anything good?" "Nothing you haven't already read about in Penthouse Forum." "I don't read Penthouse Forum." "And I suppose the knee-high stack of issues going back to early '98 I found lodged behind the filing cabinet belong to the late, great Jeffrey Spender?" "Could be. I got the impression old Jeffy's social calendar was somewhat of a deserted wasteland." "That is the single most interesting case of the pot calling the kettle black I have ever heard in my entire life." "Once again, I'm happy to entertain you, Scully. Tell me, when you said the stack was 'knee-high,' did you mean *your* knees, or *my* knees?" ************************************************** " 'I just want to hold you.' " "I'm right here." "Not while you're driving, Mulder." "Oh why not?" "Because I spent the better part of an hour trying to get to and from the hospital this morning, and I'd rather not re-live that interlude." "Where's your sense of risk, Scully?" "You mean to tell me I'm not risking my life just riding in the car with you?" "Oh Scully, you wound me." "Maybe later. Eyes on the road." ************************************************** "' Rub my back instead?' " "You know Scully, a few of these alternatives just might bring *back* the oversexed coed." "With suggested alternatives like these, Mulder, I'm not convinced they ever left." ************************************************** " 'My friends will be here any minute.' " "You invited your friends to our date?! Scully, I'm shocked!" "Please Mulder, like I have any other friends." "You know the gunmen would do anything for you." "Just what I need." "So would Skinner." "Another thing I need." "*I* would do anything for you." "You have. That's why you're my best friend." "And yet you didn't invite me to your date." "You *are* my date, remember?" "Oh yeah." ************************************************** " 'I'm in love with someone else.' " "Than what are you doing here?!" "Well I had nothing else to do, there really wasn't anything good on television--" Mulder dodged the crumpled napkin with a boyish ease. ************************************************** " 'I don't know you very well.' " "Once again, then what are you doing *here*?" "'Cause I want to get to know you *better*?" "Not during work hours." "Aww Scully, you're no fun.." ************************************************** " 'No.' " "Wow. I like it." "It's simple, but to the point." "Yes." "Think it'd go over, Scully?" "I don't know, Mulder. Feel like taking it for a test run?" "Sure." "Okay, go." "Scully, can we skip the meeting with Skinner?" " 'No.' " "Please?" " 'Have you thought about the consequences?' " "Yeah, I don't care." " 'We will regret it later.' " "I won't." " 'This isn't the right time.' " "Yes it is. It's the perfect time. Skinner hasn't gotten mad at us in a while, it won't be a large eruption." " 'If you loved me, you wouldn't ask.' " An inexplicable moment of silence formed between them, as Mulder's eyes locked with hers. His voice softened on his next few words: "Damn, you got me there." Scully's jovial expression simmered to a small smile, which he easily reciprocated. "Come on, let's go back to work." "Okay..Say Scully, want to tell Skinner all the ways we learned to say 'no?' " "Not particularly. I'd kind of like to keep my job." "We could always write our own pamphlet..'101 Ways to Combat Alien Bounty Hunters, Genetic Mutants, and Government Conspiracies.'" "Like you could hone it down to only a hundred and one, Mulder." "You ever hear of 'volume two?' " ************************************************** "101 Ways to Say NO to Sex" is an actual pamphlet, published by an actual distributor called ETR Associates. It's a staple in my school's counseling office. I've thumbed through it more than my fair share of times.