From: Deirdre Dennis Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2008 02:42:02 -0700 Subject: 1111 by Deirdre Dennis Source: direct TITLE: 1111 AUTHOR: Deirdre Denise Dennis CATEGORY: Vignette SPOILERS: All things RATING: G DISCLAIMER: Nothing in this universe belongs to me. Especially, not the X files. ARCHIVE: Do whatever you want, don't ask, I don't care for any credit. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Nobody, because no one supports my writing. SUMMARY: What she thought in the last scene outside the hospital... It's not the fear of commitment to other people, it's not the jealousy of my time alone, it is none of those very obvious things that my free will power could magically transform into a completely different, cut-and-dry, easy to use matter. It is that which is truly beyond my touch, beyond my laying of hands on, not in any paranormal, "this is God" ways, but in a slight, like wind brushing across your cheeks way, a way that can be noticed only if you search for it. Not an invisible hand guiding you, but rather, an invisible force that you feel but cannot see, and you choose to follow: it is your choice, your free will all along, yet you are not stepping blindly into the mist. I have trusted this force unknowingly, like a dog trusts its sense of smell, never giving it a second thought, never stopping to question it. And where am I, now? Have I then chosen this coldness, this separation, alienation, this awkward detachment from not just people but the reality itself? Have I been so bitter at my own choices as to end up further shutting myself out of this world and telling myself that I am unworthy of any real life. What is 'real' life, aside from following the path that has been painted in front of you in advance? Sometimes I catch myself thinking that people that I leave behind just disappear, dissolve into nothing, quit existing. Maybe it is my way of coping with my frustration, my self-rebuke after every choice I make, because all of them had lead me to this, to nothing... Oh, here she goes again. What is she, a sign, a wonder, a ghost, a clue? My own reflection? She would not stop, she never does, like life, like time, like the rotation of earth... Maybe she is the destiny itself. The destiny incarnate. The destiny of life. To see your life walking in front of you, walking away from you... Wait! Walking away?! No way, hey, wait, you can't just leave me here like that! You have been guiding me through all these strange events, I want that greater purpose that you had in mind! I want to know... "Excuse me!" ...why I have ended in this place, I want to face... "Hey" Ah. "Mulder?" ...my destiny incarnate, ...Mulder,......you?