From: "Angel vdh" Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2000 19:10:40 GMT Subject: After all this was heaven Source: direct AFTER ALL IT WAS HEAVEN (1/1) AUTHOR : angelvdh EMAIL : angelvdh@hotmail.com ARCHIVE : anywhere, just keep my name attached RATING : PG CLASSIFICATION : MSR, Scully POV, missing scene SPOILERS : season 6, 6th Ectinction II, Millennium, Orison, Closure and FTF. SUMMARY : Scully tries to comfort Mulder after his mother's death and meanwhile reflects on the events in season 6 and 7. Is this the time to say what she wanted over the years ? DISCLAIMER : they're not mine. They belong to CC, 1013 and FOX. AUTHOR'S NOTE : this takes place when Mulder cries in Scully's arms in the Closure episode. It might explain where the baby came from in Requiem. I also know that Scully can't think of the events that happened in Dreamland I & II, but this is what she might think if she remembered them. I haven't seen the whole 7th season yet. I've seen the two first episodes, Millennium, Orison and Sein und Zeit and Closure. So if something important happened during the other ones before Closure, forgive me for not using it in this fanfic. Please also remember that English isn't my mothertongue... I also want to thank a friend of mine that hinted that because of Scully staying in Mulder's apartment, there might have happened something so that Scully got pregnant. This is were I got the idea for this fanfic. FEEDBACK : please, please, please ?????????? AFTER ALL IT WAS HEAVEN (1/1) by Angelvdh I couldn't do anything but hug him. He looked so heartbreaking, and I wasn't ready to leave his apartment without feeling him close. In fact, we both needed to feel each other close. He needed comfort about his mother's recent death and the renewed search for his lost sister, and I... I just... hell, I wanted to be the one to comfort him. I always do, comfort him, you know, and I can't think of anyone else to do it. I think seeing anyone else in his arms would even make me a bit jealous. No, not a bit, I would die from jealousy. So naturally I reached for him and he clung on to me, crying. There aren't many times I've seen Fox Mulder cry, but when I did, I had to force the tears to stay away either. I hated it when he cried, because everytime I also felt the sudden urge to let my tears flow, and to take bits and pieces of his pain into my heart. "Come on, Mulder", I whispered, desperately trying to make him stop sobbing, because I already felt my walls breaking down. I even held him closer when I felt him trying to get away from the embrace. He couldn't just leave me. Not yet. And I also liked feeling him lying here in my arms, because it made me feel special. It was as if I were THE one and only in his life, although I knew it wasn't right for me to think about him that way. He was my partner, my professional partner who I had to work with, and I wasn't supposed to fall in love with him. I can't remember the time I realized it, you know, that being in love part. But I do remeber that I felt relieved, because I had finally dared to admit it to myself after trying to hide it for so long. Admitting it to Mulder would be an other matter. There have been so many occasions that I could have said it to him, but something always held me back from actually doing it. There were always certain external circumstances that I thought would spoil the moment. And it would have to be perfect, I always thought to myself. I know, this is the romantic side of Dana Scully speaking again. At a certain moment I even came to live with the fact that I would never say it to him. And for some strange reason I still can't believe, I thought that it was a good thing to keep my mouth shut and just let us be friends. Maybe then we would reach a further point than being romantically involved. But then came the time that I would have to work in Salt Lake City. The only reason I could come up with for quitting was because then and only then I would still see Mulder. In fact, when we wouldn't be partners anymore, a relationship wouldn't be against Bureau policy. But the scenario that happened in his hallway wasn't the one I had expected. Mulder started to open up his heart to me and even I was almost ready to share my secret with him when the damn bee stung me. See what I mean with external circumstances ? And of course, when we came back from Antarctica, I couldn't tell him again. Then, the lone gunmen and I found him almost dead in the water. In the hospital, my hopes of telling him were high again. But Mulder was quicker than me and he told me even sooner. Only God knows how desperately I had wanted to hear those three words he uttered, but again the circumstances were all wrong. After all he was drugged and if I told him now how I felt, there was a slight possibility that he'd say that he didn't mean what he had said, and then he would know all about me and... When he came back from the Area 51 zone he started to act weird. And when I say weird I really mean WEIRD. Until Mulder made it clear to me that it wasn't him I got stuck with, but a guy called Morris Fletcher. I have to say I liked Mulder better. A lot. At a certain point I had to tell him that whatever had caused this, couldn't be reversed, so he would stay this way forever. At that very moment, I said I'd kiss him if he weren't so damn ugly, and I really meant what I said. I would have done it and finally told him, but again this was not the right time, and certainly not the way I had dreamed of. When I kissed Mulder it would have to be Mulder and only him. And then Christmas came. What was a happy time to the rest of the world ended up for Mulder and me in shooting each other, luckily it was all in our head, but still... And when I was at his apartment, I thought I would have surprised him by bringing him a present, but Mulder had thought about everything and he is always one step ahaid of me. One step, but it makes a difference like, you know, many steps. On our next case, well, my next case, I was shot by the partner I was assigned to, and the man who really wanted to face death saved me from seeing him, or her. I wonder what the gender of death is. Male or female ? Or none of the above. When Mulder came visiting me at the hos- pital, again I felt that this could be it, but it wasn't. Again. Later, they even made us shower together. Not really together, but it was pretty close to that. And I even felt embarassed. I shouldn't have, because this was Mulder, and I've seen him naked, and he probably saw me naked, so... But still. Anyway, I couldn't tell him with the water running everywhere. Besides, the place we were in would have taken away all romance, if there even was any. During our "honeymoon" in Arcadia ( the thought only is already killing me ), Mulder was cute, I mean, with his sweater around his shoulders and all. But it wasn't real, this marriage was forced, and that was not really the way I wanted it. A few cases later, a dog caused some murders and Mulder went to talk to a dog-lady who claimed to know more about the Chinese mythology. Even I could've looked it up in a book, if necessary. I noticed her falling in love with the same man I was in love with, only Mulder didn't have eyes for her, which made me feel better, to be honest. I wish I had seen the look on his face when he opened the present I brought him. I knew it was his 'I want to believe'-poster, and actually I had meant to be with him when he would put it on the wall of his new office, but just when I gave it to him, I realized that I should leave him alone with it. It just seemed that way, I don't know why exactly. And then, Padgett came along, and he almost revealed my thoughts by saying to Mulder I was already in love. I just hoped Mulder didn't believe him, and if he did, I wished he didn't have any idea of with whom it could be. And one minute later I wished he would know and he would tell me he loved me too. But I could only dream of that. Or maybe I would have to threaten to leave him again. But I could never leave Mulder, even if I wanted too. There's no way I was going to leave Mulder. When Padgett's 'co-writer' almost tore my heart out, the heart I had preserved and only wanted to give to Mulder, I was about to scream it so he could hear it from his basement. Good thing I didn't see his face then, when he discovered me, most likely dead, on his apartment floor, surrounded by my own blood. I think I would have broken down if it were him lying there. And then he decided to teach me how to play baseball. I almost screamed when he held me this close. It was fun and to me it was romantic, but it was really a Mulder-like way of expressing his feelings and at that very time I didn't think he may have made himself clear. I've spent nights wondering if he wanted to show me something that night, or if he just wanted to play some of his games. Maybe he was ready to tell me something and I blew it by not responding. Maybe... Maybe this was all a dream only to find myself awake tomorrow again, and just going to work as always. "Scully ?" Mulder startled me a little bit by calling out for me. "Yeah ?" He just looked up at me and my heart melted, his eyes still wet from crying. I had to stop myself from touching his face. Hell, we were in each other's arms, why shouldn't I touch it ? "Are you ok, Mulder ?", I asked. "I'm fine, Scully." I chuckled, because for one time, I wasn't the one to say this little sentence. Suddenly he knew why I was smiling and I saw a little smile coming to his face too. That's it, Mulder. You have to know that Mulder is even more cute when he smiles. Really, I just love to see him smile. Well, I even love to see him cry, just if I can see HIM I'm already happy. Mulder got away of our embrace and sat back on his couch. I settled myself next to him. I noticed that we were still holding hands, but I didn't do anything to make him stop touching me. "Really ?", I asked, suddenly serious again. He just nodded. And then he said something that I had never expected. "It's not like I have lost you or something." The air thickened with tension the moment those words left his mouth, after having danced on his tongue. No, he hadn't lost me. Like I hadn't lost him. Although I thought I'd lost him many times. When we were both drugged, I thought the skeleton I had discovered was his, and although I remained very calm, I cried in front of Skinner. Now that's something I don't do often. I was so happy to actually feel his hand I reached for in the ambulance. And then I almost lost him again, because he said he started to hear voices in his head. That can never be a good sign. And there was Diana again. When she saved both Mulder and me, I almost liked her a little bit. When Mulder told me I was his touchstone, I felt like crying. But the truth is I wanted to be more than his touchstone, I wanted to be... everything he wanted me to be, if only he said he loved me. And then, when the new Millennium set in, he kissed me. He really, really, really kissed me after six years together. I had to convince myself I hadn't been dreaming. I hadn't, but still it wasn't the kiss I *had* dreamed of. What if it was just a friendly kiss, just harmless, and only to express his friendship ? What if... And then he must have thought he lost me when Donnie Pfaster escaped from prison and attacked me. I remembered the way I had fallen into his arms the first time after he had asked me if I was ok. I kind of wanted to fall back in his arms now, but they weren't waiting for me. But he didn't lose me. Not yet. "Mulder, " I said, "you have just lost your mother, and with those memories of your sister..." He didn't even let me finish the sentence I started. "I mean it, Scully, it would have been a lot worse if they had found you dead." I didn't know what to say for one very moment. I just thought Mulder was saying all this because he was in shock for his recent loss, and that he didn't mean it the way he said it. "Mulder...". My voice must have shivered a bit, and Mulder noticed it, and it was then that I realized that he had meant every word of it. Every single word. He still held my hand, and it felt like his fingers were burnt into mine. He didn't plan on releasing them very soon. Ok, now I was starting to panic a little bit, I mean, there haven't been many times that he said these things. The air even grew thicker and I could be mistaken, but it looked to me as if there was even fog in his apartment. Suddenly I felt his hand on the back of my neck, tracing a path to my earlobe, and his other hand still held mine. He surely didn't want me to go anywhere, that was clear. And then the scenario that I had tried to forget seemed to repeat itself. Only this time it didn't take place in his hallway. This time was inside, on his couch. I watched his face as it came nearer and nearer to mine and I could even feel his breath, which made me feel even more confused than I already was. "Mulder, what are you...?" "Shhhh..." He put one finger on my mouth and immediately silenced me. And then he kissed me. And hell, I can tell you it wasn't anything like the millennium kiss he had given me. It was so much more, it was... it was heaven, for all I can remember. And it was so passionate. It really tasted like Mulder. This WAS my dream. MY dream. And Mulder was making it come true. I still can't thank him enough for that. "Scully, you know I love you, don't you ?" Now I was crying. So it was his turn to pull me into an embrace, but I still hadn't said the words I had wanted to say for years or so. "I love you too, Mulder, I always have." He looked at me and smiled. And it was even more beautiful than the smile he gave me before. And I was so glad I said it. I finally did. After all this time I said it. But as usual Mulder was one step ahaid of me. This time I forgave him with my whole heart. He kissed me again and deepened it even more. This was heaven. He pulled me down with him and soon he was on top of me, pulling my shirt down. And I let him. After all it was heaven.