From: Kirsten Kerkhof <kirsten_xf@yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 15:18:30 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: new story: "After Hours"

Title: After Hours 
Author: Kirsten Kerkhof <kirsten_xf@yahoo.com> 
Rating: PG-13 
Classification: Mulder Scully Romance 
Keywords: S A R 
Spoilers: Not really, no ... 
Summary: Scully is not happy with the life she's leading (what life?)  
and after a long day in the office she needs someone to bitch at.  
Mulder's the obvious victim. 
Disclaimer: Wish I'd own them, but alas, I don't. You all know who  
they do belong to and they're in good hands. I'm not making any money  
out of this *sigh* 
Feedback: d-uh ;-) Anyway, my e-mail addy is <kirsten_xf@yahoo.com> 
Note: This was written in season 3 (not as long ago as you might think, 
unfortunately Europe is about a year behind on the USA ....). But 
anyway, just imagine Scully could still have kids like most women, okay? ;-)
  
*~*~* 
"After Hours" 
by Kirsten Kerkhof 
*~*~* 
 
     She sat in her car and looked out of the window. Now what the  
hell was she doing here? It was nine p.m. for God's sake! She had just  
spent over eleven hours with him! What was she doing here? 
     She sighed. Maybe it was better to turn around and go home.  
There was nothing for her here. He needed his time alone. They both  
needed some time alone. They were together all the time. She shouldn't  
be here now. 
     'Come on, Dana', she thought, 'Go back to your apartment, go  
home. You'll see him tomorrow, then you can talk.' 
     Talk? She didn't want to talk! Then she made up her mind. She  
was here anyway, she might as well go in and have a cup of coffee. She  
could always pretend she came by because she had some ideas about the  
case they were investigating. Or rather, tried to investigate, because it  
all seemed to go terribly wrong. Wrong. Again. 
     Everything seemed to go wrong nowadays. Was that the reason she  
was here? Perhaps. Perhaps not. How should she know? 
     She got out of her car and entered the building. She climbed the  
stairs, crossed the corridor and knocked on the door of number 42. 
     She heard his footsteps, his all too well-known way of walking.  
Then he opened the door. 
     "Scully?" 
     She merely looked at him. 
     "Scully, what's wrong?" 
     She shrugged. "Why should anything be wrong?" she said. Her  
voice sounded indifferent. Like she didn't care. She didn't. 
     "Well, you usually only come here when there's something the  
matter. So I thought ..." 
     "Can I come in, or are you going to let me stand here all night?"  
she snapped. 
     He seemed a little taken aback by her tone. 
     "Yeah, sure, come in", he said and opened the door further to let  
her in. "You want a cup of coffee?" 
     "Please" 
     As Mulder busied himself with the coffee, she looked around. He  
was right, she hardly ever came here. He didn't come to her place very  
often either. They both had keys to the other's apartment, but they  
rarely used them. 
     Then she saw him entering his living-room, carrying two mugs of  
steaming hot coffee. 
     "You can sit down if you like", he said, trying to point to the  
chairs and the couch, which wasn't very easy with mugs filled with  
coffee. "Or you can keep standing there. Decide for yourself." 
     He sat down in a chair and looked at her. There was something the  
matter, he felt it. Something was really wrong. 
     She sighed, shrugged and went to sit down on the couch. She took  
her coffee and sipped it. Nice and warm it made her feel slightly better  
already. 
     "So, why are you here?" he eventually asked. 
     "Dunno", she said. 
     Mulder said nothing. She was going to tell him. He knew that. He  
only had to wait. 
     "Guess I felt lonely ...", she said. Good coffee, really. 
     "Lonely?" 
     "Mm-mm" 
     "Well, you live alone. That can happen, I guess", he said. 
     "I didn't want to feel lonely" she said. 
     "So you decided to go and see your pal Fox Mulder?" he said,  
sipping his coffee. Damn, it was still too hot! 
     "Well, I haven't got anybody else to go to, have I?" she said and  
looked straight ahead of her. Then she looked at him. 
     Somehow these simple words struck him as the saddest thing he  
had ever heard. And he saw it all in her eyes. She was feeling miserable.  
She wanted something which she couldn't get. But he didn't know what  
it was she wanted. 
     "What's wrong, Scully?" 
     "Nothing. I'm fine, Mulder" 
     "Yes, I know you are. But I want to know what's wrong!" he  
insisted. He wasn't going to let go so easily. 
     She said nothing. He waited. She would tell him what was wrong. 
     "Who am I, Mulder?" 
     He had been looking down at his coffee, but now he looked up.  
This question was some sort of a surprise to him. But then again it  
wasn't. At the same time it didn't come as a surprise. 
     She looked at him, waiting for him to make the obvious mistake of  
telling her who she was. She would be seriously disappointed in him if  
he'd try that. But he didn't. He said nothing, but got up and sat down  
beside her on the couch. 
     "It all started some time ago, Mulder. I began to wonder why I  
was doing the things I was doing and I realised I didn't know. That I  
didn't understand. I don't understand myself. I don't know who I am.  
What am I doing here? Why am I here? Why am I alive? For what  
purpose? Who am I? What do I want?" she shook her head. Her voice  
sounded filled with tears and frustration. 
     He still said nothing. He didn't want to. She'd be able to get to  
grips with it just fine, he knew. He only had to listen, let her air her  
emotions. 
     "When it all started ... when I realised I ... sort of lost contact  
with myself ... I began to wonder what it was that I wanted in my life.  
And I was shocked when I found out that I didn't know", she looked at  
him. "I don't know what I want, Mulder. I often joked about 'getting a  
life', but I knew I really didn't have a life. I don't have any friends  
except you. I'm so utterly alone. I feel so utterly alone ..." 
     She felt a tear rolling down her face and she quickly wiped it  
away. 
     "Oh God, I'm crying! This is so ridiculous!" 
     "What is?" Mulder suddenly asked. 
     "Crying is! I'm not a bloody kid anymore!" she said angrily and  
tried to control herself. She couldn't. The harder she tried, the more she  
felt the urgence to bury her face in the soft fabric of the couch and cry  
her eyes out. But of course she couldn't! Dana Scully never cried... 
     "No", he said, his voice soft and a little sad. "You're not a kid  
anymore, ..." 
     Then his voice became unexpectedly hard as he continued: 
     " ... which is a pity really, because you obviously had more sense  
in your head then, than you have right now!" 
     "What?" 
     "Well, as a kid you clearly allowed yourself to cry! Something you  
refuse to do as an adult!" 
     "What do you mean?" 
     "Dana", he began, his voice soft again. "Why don't you allow  
yourself to show your emotions? You're sabotaging yourself, you're  
going to get in serious trouble with this ..." 
     He saw her looking at him, her expression not quite readable. 
     "What is it, Scully? Why don't you let me know how you feel? I  
understand you want to remain cool and strong when we are at work,  
when we're dealing with a case. But you're a human being, Scully.  
You're not a robot. Why don't you share your feelings, your troubles  
with me? Are you afraid of me? Are you afraid of what I might say or  
do? That I'd let you down, think less of you?" 
     She slowly shook her head. No. If there was anybody in the world  
she would turn to with her problems, it must be him. But at the same  
time she'd never do that. 
     "I don't know, Mulder", she said. She was on the verge of  
breaking down. 
     Her blue eyes shiny with tears, her beautiful face looking so  
vulnerable. It made him decide to throw all precautions over-board and  
in a very Mulder-esque act of recklessness, he put his arms around her  
and pulled her close. Then he decided he wanted to have her even closer  
and lifted her onto his lap. It felt so good. 
     She didn't protest. In fact, the feeling of his warm body, the  
comforting, soothing emotion of his strong arms around her, his head on  
top of hers, it made her feel like she never wanted to let go of him  
again. 
     "I know you'd never let me down, Mulder. You never have. It's  
just that ..." 
     He felt a lock of her hair falling on his hand. It was soft as he ran  
his fingers through it. 
     "I've recently been thinking about my life, Mulder. And the more  
I think about it, the more I feel that all I ever wanted is never going to  
happen." 
     "You don't feel good about the life you lead now?" 
     "Yes and no. I love this job, I'm so glad I have it. I'm also very  
thankful for being your partner, Mulder. You've got to believe me when  
I say that despite the odd misunderstandings ..." He chuckled. Yeah  
right! They hardly ever agreed! He saw a vague smile on her face and he  
smiled. "... I don't think I'll ever have a better partner. I don't want  
another partner. But ..." 
     "But what?" 
     "It's not just work, Mulder. Work is the part of my life I do  
understand. It's my private life I don't understand." 
     She fell silent for a moment. 
     "You know, Mulder, sometimes, when I look around and look at  
other people, I see people in love, people who are married, women who  
are pregnant, women with children. And then I realise that I want just  
that. That *that* is all I really want. It makes me feel so sad sometimes.  
And of recently I thought about it and figured out I'd probably never be  
fortunate enough to have kids myself. I haven't had a good relationship  
in years and actually, I don't know what man would want to put up with  
me ... What man would take me for what I am ..." 
     She leaned her head against his chest and closed her eyes as she let  
the tears trickle down her face. She didn't bother to wipe them away  
anymore. She felt his hand softly caress her hair and her cheek. It only  
made her want to cry even more, but this feeling was so good, she  
didn't want to protest, she didn't want him to stop. This little gesture  
was something she admired in him. He didn't pity her, he only listened  
and lent her his own strength, letting her know that all would be okay,  
that she would be able to get to grips with it and that she could always  
turn to him for support. 
     "Is that what you want, Scully? A husband and children?" 
     "Yes. When I was younger I never thought about it. I was too  
busy studying, working, having fun, enjoying life. I wanted to be  
successful. I wanted to have a good job and I succeeded in that. I have a  
fabulous job. I always thought that getting married and having children  
was something other people wanted, but it was not for me. But now ...  
now I feel something's missing in my life. And I figured out that I want  
the exact same thing I looked down upon only a couple of years ago. I  
want to get married, have children of my own, be happy. All my friends  
are married and have children and when I visit them and hold the baby I  
... I feel so sad about the fact that maybe I'll never experience this little  
wonder myself. I want to get married, Mulder. I want to marry a man I  
really love, a man I can trust without a doubt, a man with whom I can  
happily share the rest of my life, because he accepts me the way I am.  
But all the men I've met so far have turned out to be complete jerks.  
Well, except for you, Mulder. Right now I'm talking about the time  
before I became your partner." 
     His <phew> sounded rather stagy and it made her chuckle. 
     "But these men, they all used me. They all utterly disappointed  
me. And sometimes I wondered whether it was my fault or their's. Was  
I looking for too perfect a man? Or was it just that a man who would  
love me, who'd never let me down, who'd trust me, whom I could trust,  
just didn't exist? That there were no such men around? That I'd just  
have adjust my wishes, forget about my dreams, and try to be happy  
with a man who at least came close to what I had been looking for? And  
then I knew I would rather remain unmarried. I wouldn't be happy with  
him ..." 
     She was silent. 
     Mulder looked at her. He thought about what she'd just told him.  
He had never known she felt this way. But at the same time he could  
understand it so well. He wanted the same, he realised. He had been  
chasing shadows for so long, he felt he needed some security.  
Something or someone he could turn to when he was once more in  
danger of losing contact with the world. A wife. Children. 
     "I feel the same, Scully", he said softly. "I've always been  
doubtful about marriage as an institution. And after considering the  
mess my parent's marriage had become, I thought I'd rather remain  
single. I didn't want to find myself trapped in the same situation. But I  
found out I needed to love. I needed, and still need, a person I really,  
truly care about. I've had my share of relationships, you met a few of  
those women, but they didn't make me happy. And I know now why  
they didn't. It wasn't trust. It wasn't love. It was nothing. It could never  
work, because those women and I didn't belong together. 
     I sort of gave up looking for the ideal woman when ... why, yes ...  
when you became my partner ..." he looked at her as she raised her  
eyebrows. They smiled. "... but now I know I want that one special  
woman. I want a woman who's able to help me through my black  
moods, who takes me for what I am, who makes me happy and who can  
be happy herself at the same time. Who makes me complete, whole. The  
perfect woman." 
     "Perfect women don't exist, Mulder. You shouldn't even have  
tried to find those. I could've told a long time ago." 
     "Yes, but you weren't there to tell me." 
     "I wish I had been." 
     "You do?" 
     "Yes. I wish I had met you long ago." 
     "I don't know, Scully. I don't think we should have. I guess this is  
the best way. I don't think I'd ever have let you come so near to me and  
everything I am, if you hadn't earned it through a trial of fire. Because  
our partnership is. You proved to be the best friend I've ever had. You  
always supported me, helped me, trusted me. You never gave up, let go  
of me, when you letting go of me was all I deserved. And that's what  
makes you so special and precious to me." 
     He looked her straight in the eyes. She chuckled. It sounded a little  
nervous. 
     "Why, Mulder, you almost sound like you're in love with me!" 
     "Maybe I am" 
     She said nothing. She looked at him, trying to read his face. His  
eyes were dark, he was absolutely sincere. 
     "I'm afraid I *am* in love with you, Scully", he said. "And  
perhaps it's just an emotion that will drift away once you go home again  
tonight, but I don't think it is. I think my love for you has always been  
there, but I couldn't allow myself to fall in love. Not with you. I've  
never realised it, but as we were talking about our dreams for the future  
just now, I realised that the reason why I stopped having affairs once  
you had become my partner, was because you're everything I've always  
been looking for. You're the woman sent to save me." 
     He was serious! 
     And so was she. She realised something deep inside her. She knew  
she not only respected and trusted him, she was truly, deeply in love  
with him. She realised that all they had just been saying about 'the  
perfect man' and 'the perfect woman' were exactly the things they had  
come to find in each other over the years. 
     Good God, she was in love with him! She couldn't believe it! 
     She smiled as she thought about it. She didn't need to believe it.  
She just needed to enjoy it. Oh, and she was! She was going to enjoy  
every second of it! 
     "What, Scully?" 
     "Mm", she began and she ran her finger slowly, teasingly over his  
jaw and his lips. "Well, you know ... could be I ..." Then she realised  
she was getting way too long-winded. This could be so much easier! 
     She looked at him. 
     "What?" he said. 
     "Shut up, Mulder", she murmured and bent forward a little. Their  
lips almost touched. 
     "Are you going to kiss me, Scully?" 
     "Yes" 
     "Good ..." 
     This was absolutely the last thing he managed to say before their  
lips locked. And there was nothing he could, or wanted to say anymore.  
The kiss effectively wiped out every bit of sensible things he could think  
of to protest against this very un-partnerlike action. By the way, did he  
want to protest? No way ... 
     'So this must be that lightning-bolt effect', Scully thought. Well, at  
least it seemed awfully close to being that. Why? The kiss wasn't hot or  
passionate. It was soft, slow, tender. They had never kissed, it was  
something new. But still it made her shake all over. It was unbelievable. 
     Then their lips parted and they slowly let go of each other. Scully  
opened her eyes and saw him looking at her, a beautiful smile curving  
his lips. She smiled as she saw the love shining in his eyes. And it was  
all for her! 
     "Wow, Mulder! That was incredible!" 
     "Yeah, wasn't it?" His smile took a decidedly wicked turn. "Want  
to try it again?" 
     "In a moment, Mulder", she said. She untangled herself from his  
embrace and got up. She caught his puzzled expression. 
     "What are you doing, Scully?" 
     She closed the blinds and locked the door which he had left open.  
Then she walked back to the couch and as her eyes darkened with need  
and passionate love she said: 
     "You don't honestly believe I'm going to share this with anybody  
else, do you? I want you for myself!" And she immediately cut off all  
his possible answers by slanting her mouth over his, kissing him hard  
and demanding. 
     "You'd better be prepared for a long night, Fox Mulder!" she said  
and smiled. 
     "No problem, Dana Scully, I'm ready for a whole life of long  
nights with you!"  
 
The End 
 
P.S. Did you like it? Hope so. Please mail me with all your comments  
and your efforts will be rewarded with a hug and a Mulder. I can be  
reached at <kirsten_xf@yahoo.com> 
 
The X-Files * After Hours