From: katchat42@juno.com
Date: Sun, 16 Nov 2003 04:49:53 GMT
Subject: Aftermath by Katchat
Source: direct


Title:  Aftermath
Author: Katchat
Rating: G
Category: S, MSR
Keywords:  Scully POV
Spoilers: Three Words
Disclaimer:  You can keep them.  I just want to write about them.
Summary:  Some wounds heal slower than others.

*********************
Aftermath
By Katchat

He didn't say much in the car ride home.  I think he was a little
surprised to find that he could in fact go home after all, to the
apartment he'd lived in for over a decade.  I couldn't explain what had
led me to ensure that Mulder's apartment was still paid for and
inhabitable, even after I believed he was dead.  I couldn't bear the
thought of letting it go.  I wanted it to be ready for his return, even if
he never did return.  So, I took over the lease.  I cleaned it.  I fed his
fish.  It was my secret, my own way of not coming to terms with his death.

It was a good thing, too.

For here we stand, at the threshold of his home on the day of his long
awaited freedom.

"Must feel good to be home."  I offer, gripping the handle of his bag.

"Mmmm." Is all he manages.

I can appreciate his silence.  I can understand that he has been through a
lot.  I step forward into the dim apartment, carrying his bag into the
bedroom and setting it on the floor.  I avoid releasing the heavy sigh
that rises in my chest.  This is a good day, I remind myself.

"Something's different."  I hear him mumble from the living room.  I step
out toward him.

"It's clean."  I respond.

"Ah, that's it."  He replies, his voice shallow and lacking meaning.  I
feel my cheeks flush slightly.  The situation is awkward.  His apathy
toward his homecoming downplays the wild emotions that are racing through
me.  Months and months of waiting...

He shuffles toward his fishtank and leans over to observe his pets.

"Missing a molly."  He informs me.  I am well aware of the deceased fish.

"Yeah, she wasn't as lucky as you."  I tell him, hoping that by reminding
him of all he had just survived he might regain some feeling and emotion.

He leans against his desk, the bright windows silhouetting his form behind
him.  I take this moment to tell him what's been on my mind.

"Mulder...I don't know if you'll ever understand what it was like." I
begin, feeling hot tears forming in my eyes.  "First learning of your
abduction...and then searching for you and finding you dead."  The memory
haunts me still, even though he is sitting very much alive before me.  
"And now to have you back..."  I hear my voice waiver and I fall silent.

He shrugs slightly.  "Well, you act like you're surprised."

I fix my gaze on him momentarily, as if needing continual reminders that
this is all real, that it's really happening.  "I prayed a lot."  I
manage, remembering the sleepless nights of crying out to God to restore
me, to restore us.  "And my prayers have been answered."

With a small nod, and a finger toward my growing womb, he says, "In more
ways than one."

I glance down myself, taking in the sight of my pregnancy, feeling the
life within me stir.  "Yeah."

He seems uncomfortable when he continues.  "I'm happy for you."  He
declares in monotone.  "I think I know...how much that means to you."

His indifference tugs at my teardrops.  I want him to feel all that I am
feeling.  I want to share this joy of being reunited.  I can't imagine why
he doesn't look at me the same or talk to me the same as he did before
this whole ordeal.  What has changed?  Is he uncomfortable with my
pregnancy?  Has he lost whatever measure of love he once had for me?

"Mulder..."  I almost whisper, the tears gathering in my eyes.

"I'm sorry." He interrupts, knowing I'm not buying his feigned interest.  
"I don't mean to be cold or ungrateful.  I just..."  He hesitates, having
trouble finding the right words to describe the situation.  "I have no
idea where I fit in...right now."  He almost looks disgusted.  It's the
first emotion I've seen him articulate in months.  "I'm just having a
little trouble...processing everything."

I feel a new emotion stir from within: empathy.  I can't expect him to be
the same Mulder that left me for Oregon so many months ago.  Too much has
happened.  Too much has been suffered.  I can understand how it would be
difficult for him to make sense of everything that has occurred.  I find
myself wondering what he remembers of his disappearance, his death.  What
images flash inside his mind whenever he closes his eyes?  What fears is
he still harboring?

After gazing upon him for a few moments, I take a few steps closer to him,
closing in the distance that has seemed to separate us today.  My swollen
belly brushes softly against his knee as I stand next to him, allowing a
tear to slide down my cheek, unbidden and unguarded.  Slowly, I run my
fingers along the scars on his face, gently soothing the healing skin.  I
imagine these scars that have healed so quickly are nothing like the scars
inside.  Those wounds will take more time to heal, to recover.

I look up into his hazel eyes and find that he is gazing at me too.  His
eyes are softer than they were a few moments ago.  They do not dart away
from mine.  They are still filled with hidden pain, but I can see a small
sparkle in them that reminds me of recent days.  Grasping his warm fingers
in my own, I give him a gentle, but insistent squeeze.

"No matter what..." I whisper.  "You will always fit in right here...with
me."  My confidence seems mildly contagious, and he offers me a sweet
smile, a vision I wish I could gaze upon all day.  He squeezes my fingers
back, and I take advantage of our closeness and pull him into my embrace,
locking my arms around his neck and breathing him in.  He spreads his arms
around me, burying his face in my shoulder and taking a deep breath.  He
doesn't say anything, and I don't expect him to.  His actions speak loud
enough.

We remain like that, holding each other, until a sudden jerk from my womb
causes us both to move back slightly.  He places a hand on my stomach and
is rewarded with another kick.  He smiles again.

I'm almost overwhelmed by the proof of life in this room.  I have my
soulmate back, and I have a new life growing inside of me.  I know the
road ahead will not be easy.  It never has been, and I am realistic enough
to understand that some things don't change.  There will be trials, there
will be danger, there will be more to endure.  But in this moment, I
forget those things.

In this moment, I am whole.

**************


Feedback for this or any one of my stories:  katchat42@juno.com