From: StrBuck99@aol.com Date: Sun, 9 May 1999 15:48:05 EDT Subject: Agents 'N' Wonderland (part 1) Agents N Wonderland Part 1 Title: Agents N Wonderland Rated: PG-13 Classification: CH Spoilers: Our Town, Emily Author: StrBuck99 (Sarah Warnock) Summary: Our two favorite agents, lost in one of the most magical and nonsensical lands ever known. Disclaimer: Okay, now obviously I do not own The XFiles or any character or idea affiliated with the show, they are the sole property of the 1013 Gods, the almighty one being Chris Carter. I also do not own the story Alice in Wonderland, every character and most of the ideas belong to Lewis Carroll. It is a hot day, well that is an understatement. We are stuck driving on an endless expanse of highway somewhere in Arkansas in the middle of August, which statistically has been known to be the hottest month of the year. No other cars can be seen in any direction, only trees spread out for miles and miles. The heat is suffocating, the only rental car we managed to get has a busted air conditioner...and rolling down the windows doesn't help at all because the only thing available is hot air. Loosening my tie I look in Scully's direction to see how she is faring. "Lovely weather we're having huh Scully?" I try to smile graciously, but it's just too hot. "Funny Mulder...if I wasn't driving I'd strangle you ya know." She tries to act perfectly serious, like always, but I catch a faint smile under her tired exterior. "Ah, but Scully...look at this beautiful countryside all around us. You're in the land of opportunities you know? Enjoy it." Waving my hands around in a Vanna White fashion I try to lighten the mood a little. It's futile. "I don't think I can stay awake long enough to enjoy it. This heat, and the fact that we have been on the road for a good four hours now, is making me extremely drowsy. It's a good thing there are no other cars on this road because I could fall asleep at the wheel right now." Looking into her eyes I can see that she is telling the truth, her eyes are glossy and they appear to be straining just to stay open. "Yea, maybe you're right. I'd offer to drive for awhile but I think it's past my nap time as well." At this she at least chuckles...a little. "Why don't we pull over to the side and get some shut eye for about an hour or so..." no longer able to keep it back I let out a yawn and stretch my arms as far as the confined car will allow. With no objections, Scully steers the car off of the road and into the dirt a ways back from the highway. "Okay Mulder, but I get the backseat." Unfastening her seatbelt and shutting off the car she steps out and gets into the back to lie down. "Oh...yea? Well...I was going to suggest that anyway, you just beat me to it that's all." I unfasten my own seatbelt and lay across the two front seats, making a mental note to get a rental car with one long front seat next time we have to make a long drive. "Sure, fine, whatever Mulder." She's already on the brink of sleep when she says this and before I can reply I hear the unmistakable breathing of someone who is in a deep sleep. I try to make myself as comfortable as humanly possible on these awful seats, and resting my head on my arm I too am soon asleep. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I'm not really sure how much time has passed by when I'm yanked out of my sleep by the sound of a car door slamming shut. I sit up abruptly, and seeing as how I am still half asleep I'm sort of in a half conscience haze, and it takes me a few minutes to process where I am and remember why we are at the side of the highway. Then turning to look out the window, I see that the noise that woke me was Scully getting out of car. She could have been a little quieter about it I should think, I had been right in the middle of a really good dream. I don't remember what it was about exactly, but I know it was one that I would have very much liked to finish. Oh well, most likely she woke and got tired of sitting in the car and decided to get out and stretch her legs. I might as well stretch too before we get back on the road. Rubbing my eyes to try and get rid of what haze of sleep is left, I open the door and step out into the humid heat. There's actually a breeze, but that too is nothing but hot air. The last time we were here it wasn't this hot, but then again when we made our little trip to Dudley it was May which probably explains that. This time the reason for our venture to Arkansas was a less "delicious" case, if you pardon my wording. It was simply a missing persons report, an eight year old girl had disappeared from her front yard one morning a few weeks back and the local police hadn't been able to turn up even one clue. She had been playing with her cat, that was what her mother had told the police, but that the cat was still in the yard when the girl was found missing. The fence was still locked with the padlock that was used to keep both the child in and nuisances out. I myself told Scully this seemed a waste of our time, that this wasn't an XFile. Nowhere was there mentioned any possibility of UFO activity in the vicinity of the disappearance, any regular "Joe" in the bureau could have handled this. But Scully noted that it was unexplained, which should be reason enough, so here we are...about 136 miles out of....nowhere, Arkansas. "Hey Scully, think you could have slammed the door any harder?" She is on the other side of the car, standing on the highway looking off at who knows what, holding her hand up to shade her eyes from the sun. She turns to look at me with a baffled expression as her hair whips around her face from that sorry excuse for a breeze. "Did you see that?" Scully and I have this way of totally ignoring each other sometimes and changing the subject...its sort of a tradition so I just let it go. "Did I see what? Scully are you going to tell me you saw a UFO in the distance?" I smile at her jokingly knowing that she would never claim anything so 'out there'. "No, but I did see a little white rabbit with a waistcoat and a pocketwatch running through the grass over there." She points off towards the trees about fifty feet from where we have parked. Oh great, heat stroke of all things. I walk around the car and make my way over to where she stands but instead of trying to focus on where she's pointing I just stare down at her and when she realizes that I'm looking at her and not for her rabbit she looks up at me. "What?" "What do you mean 'What'? Scully, you've been in the heat too long. Are you feeling alright?" At this I reach up and touch the back of my hand to her forehead, in a joking gesture. She stops shading her eyes long enough to slap my hand away and glare at me. "Stop that. I know what I saw, and what I saw was a white rabbit wearing a waistcoat and carrying a pocketwatch running through the grass. But I can't seem to see where it might have gone." She looks back in the direction of where she thinks she saw this rabbit and continues to scan the area. "Maybe it went back down it's little rabbit hole to play croquet with the Queen of Hearts?" I think Scully's been watching a little too much of 'Alice in Wonderland' with her nephew, that's most likely the reason for this. I'm sure he's sick of 'Babe' by now. "Mulder don't be such a smartass...I know what this looks like, I've read 'Alice in Wonderland', but that just makes this all the more crazy. And quit looking at me like I'm certifiable, you see aliens, UFOs, mutants, and not to mention a hundred other things that I have only ever heard about in the National Examiner but I see one little Wonderland character and I'm off my rocker is that it?" She stands before me defiantly, all 5'2" of her with her hands on her hips. She looks like a little wall with red hair. "Yup, that's pretty much it Scully. I mean come on....its a storybook character, you have no proof that it exists Scully, and with you there must always be proof." I'm laughing while I say this, which makes her all the more determined. "Well we're not going to get any PROOF standing in the middle of the highway all day. Let's go." She turns and makes her way across the remainder of the road and starts trudging through the overgrown grass towards the trees. "Scully. Hey Scully! We've got this case!" "We'll get there...I just want to check this out first!" She stops and turns to look at me. "So are you coming? Mr.Skeptic?" How can I say 'no' to that? Giving in I jog to catch up with her, and then I remind myself not to do that again in this heat. And so the two of us slowly make our way across the field of grass, in pursuit of the White Rabbit. <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> " Scully, we've been walking around these trees in circles for," I lift my wrist to check my watch, "about twenty minutes now, just admit that the heat was causing you to see things that weren't really there and lets go." I stand there, trying to appear as worn out as possible and gesture back to the car. "Okay Mulder...fine. We can go, but that doesn't mean I'm going to forget what I saw. I wasn't just seeing things, I'm telling you it was right here....well somewhere around here." She turns around in a complete circle, in one last hope of finding anything to prove that she really isn't losing her mind. Finally giving in she crosses her arms in defeat and slowly walks towards me, I can tell she's disappointed. I let her walk ahead of me, okay I don't let her...but she's in a mood and when she gets like this she walks about 90 miles per hour. I slowly make my way across the field, which is hard considering that the grass must be about ten feet high and my shoes are constantly getting caught on weeds and prickly little burrs. I look up to see how far ahead of me Scully is when I take a step and miss the ground completely, falling into a gigantic hole that came out of nowhere. I grab onto some of the long grass that surrounds the edges but they of course don't hold and now I'm clutching at anything. "Scully! Help!" I can't see anything over the tall overgrowth but I soon hear the sound of Scully running back across the grass. But she doesn't see me and runs right past, figures. "Hey Scully! Come back, I'm over here...in a hole." I hear her laughing before I see her. She stops in front of me and I have to look up to see more that just her ankle...but the sun is shining directly behind her so her face is only a shadow. However, her laughter tells me there's no look of concern on her face anyway. "Go ahead Scully...laugh. You see a dressed up White Rabbit whose concerned about the time and I'm supposed to take you seriously...I fall into a hole and it's hysterical." All this time I'm still clutching at anything within arms reach and finally find a weed thick enough that I think it just might hold. Wrong! It snaps and before I can even think, I grab out again and this time catch Scully's ankle. She can't hold up my weight so unexpectantly so down we both fall before we can do anything. Into the hole, two agents go...where we end up, nobody knows. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 We've been falling now for quite some time, I'd check my watch but I can't even see my hand in front of my face...., just at that moment light fills the space that was completely dark just seconds ago. Where the hell did a light come from?! Well at any rate, I can now see at least...we are still falling and the ground is nowhere in sight yet. But we aren't falling at any great speed, its like we're carefully falling...slowly. Slowly enough that I am able to look around at my surroundings. The walls are perfectly cylindrical, and curiously covered with what looks to be wood paneling stained a beautiful mahogany. There are shelves covered with books, and jars of odds and ends, with bottles filled with this and that. Pictures align the walls, well actually they aren't pictures of anything...just empty frames. How curious....just like 'Alice' said..."Curiouser, and Curiouser"...and she was right. This is amazing, a Wonderland in the middle of Arkansas....well what better place to have one? They are both very questionable, from what I know of them at any rate. Looking to my right I see Scully, she has been very quiet since our departure from the field above...but I notice first of all how not only is the gravity in this place strange in that its very slow at its work but also I would have thought that Scully being lighter she might have been further up than I. But yet here she is...completely level with me. "Now maybe you'll believe me." Is all she says as she continues to fall with her arms crossed. She has a look on her face that I read best as 'I told you so' and I have to admit that this time she is right...THIS TIME and since it happens so rarely I may as well just admit it out loud. "Okay Scully, you're right. You really did see a wonderland rabbit with a waistcoat and a pocket watch and I should have never doubted you. I'm sorry....ouch." Here I am trying to make a serious apology when out of nowhere a candelabra smacks into the side of my head, luckily unlit mind you. But that definitely prompts amusement on Scully's part and she laughs...that's her way of forgiveness, I'm hoping. "Do you think we'll ever land?" Scully poses the question while looking down into the tunnel that we have been falling through for...oh great now my watch is broken, must have hit it when we fell through the hole. We still can see no bottom, since the light doesn't reach that far. Which still has me wondering where that light is coming from, it has the characteristics of fire light. It causes shadows to dance along the walls as if objects are lit by a moving flame, and also I notice that with the flame comes added warmth to the already stuffy tunnel. However I do take note that it isn't as hot down here as it had been up there, so there is something good about this place. "Well, 'Alice' landed didn't she? Just as she was asking herself if maybe she would come out the other side of the earth, where people walked upside down I believe......!!!" All at once there is a whoosh of air and like a vacuum we are sucked down at an alarming rate until finally...we hit the ground landing in a heap. "See what'd I tell you?" "Coincidence Mulder. But thanks for softening my fall." She climbs up off of me and helps me to my feet. "Coincidence? Oh...so NOW we're being rational! I just don't understand you sometimes Scully...you baffle me." I smile down at her as we walk down a darkened hallway towards a light we see up ahead. The hallway we are in now truly appears to be underground, the walls are made of dirt and mud with branches and roots protruding out in random places and beneath our feet is more dirt. "Likewise Mulder...but trust me, out of the two of us...you my friend are more baffling." She pats me on the arm, and I know she is being sarcastic. Well, at least for now she's in a good mood, I know the humidity up there was getting to her. We continue to make our way towards the light at the end of the tunnel, talking about how this must be the strangest thing we've ever encountered and if we should keep this to ourselves or try to classify Wonderland as an XFile. Opting for staying out of a nuthouse we decide to keep it between us, should we ever get out that is. <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> Finally emerging from the darkened tunnel, we enter a room so well lit that we shade our eyes at first to allow them to adjust. The floor resembles a black and white chessboard and in the center of the circular room is a glass table. Doors surround the room...all shut and no doubt locked, since that is how the story goes. We try them all at any rate, and surprisingly enough Scully finds one that opens. All this reveals however is a door ten times too small for either of us to fit through...of course it must be the door to the Queen's beautiful garden that 'Alice' so desperately wanted to find. The question is how to get out of this room, we know better than to eat or drink anything...even if it is labeled asking us to , and it's highly unlikely either of us will cry enough to flood the room and wash us out as 'Alice' did. This has me puzzled and so I sit beside the table and proceed to think it over. Scully remains on the floor, next to the impossibly diminutive door, thoroughly inspecting it. Curiouser and Curiouser indeed 'Alice'. Finally Scully ceases her investigation of the little door, and sits down cross legged beside me where I have remained. "Well, that is one sturdy little door let me tell you that." "What? You couldn't kick the little door in?" "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin." "First of all Scully, wrong story and second of all...ewww." I scrunch up my face for effect, and that makes her laugh. We are both tired, confused, and I for one am hungry. "So, Agent Scully...how do you propose we get out of this fantasyland hellhole?" "I wouldn't call it a 'hellhole' Mulder...I'm actually enjoying myself. So far anyway." She looks around the room taking in each little detail. "Scully, did you read Alice in Wonderland as a child?" "Yes I did. And I loved it. Why do you ask?" "Well, I just sort of figured that's all." When I was little my mother had read it to me and Sam. Sam loved it too, but that was only because it was she who chose the book. I wanted mom to read War of the Worlds but she felt it wasn't a very good book for children...whatever. "Well, we can't sit here on the floor all day thinking about getting out. There has to be some way." I stand up and turn around in a circle, maybe hoping to find some sort of opening previously overlooked. "Mulder you know the only way to get out is through that little door, the only thing is that we're too big, but I have a feeling that any minute now....." just then there's the sound of glass clinking against glass and we both turn to the table simultaneously. Sure enough there sets a decorative glass bottle about six inches high. Standing up, Scully carefully picks up the bottle and smiles turning it for me to see. On the front, etched in a gold plate are the words 'Drink Me' and inside the bottle is a red liquid. "So how about it Mulder? Feel like shrinking a little?" "Hold it Scully. Aren't you forgetting something?" She looks confused and so I continue to explain. "In the book, 'Alice' drinks the contents of the bottle and shrinks but then a key appears on the table to unlock the little door and 'Alice' is too short to reach it." "Oh yea...good memory Mulder. So, one of us should drink some of it and let it take it's effect. Then the key will appear, the other one of us takes the key and drinks their portion of the drink after which we go through the door." By Jove, she's got it! "Exactly! So, do you want to drink first or should I?" I really hope she will volunteer, but if she doesn't I am willing to do it myself. "I'll do it." Thank you Scully! "Are you sure?" This elicits a look of uncertainty on her part. "No." Damn it. I walk over to her and stick my hand out for her to hand me the bottle. "Well, here goes nothing." I pull the top of the bottle free and after pausing briefly put the opening to my mouth, closing my eyes, and take a drink. At first, nothing. Scully and I both start to wonder if maybe this isn't going to work just as it was written to, but then I start to notice that I'm becoming more and more eye level with her. In no time at all, I can barely see over Scully's foot when the drink finally stops working its magic. "Hey Scully, for a minute there I thought I was going to go out like a light." She doesn't respond. "Scully!!!" It's at this point that I realize that I'm too small for her to hear me. Looking up I can see her looking down at me and smiling, okay well she may not be able to hear me but she can see me alright. "Mulder?" Oh my god! Her voice sounds like an African savannah stampede on my eardrums. I cover my ears with my hands in hopes of saving what little hearing I've got left and look at her nodding to let her know I hear her. "There's still no key. I don't think it's going exactly as planned...or written, whichever." I try to tell her to go ahead and drink what's left in the bottle but I forget that I'm too small for her to be able to perceive my voice so I wave my arms around in an urgent sort of way to get her attention. She understands that I need to tell her something, and gets down on her hands and knees and brings her ear down next to me so that I can talk to her. "Go ahead and drink it Scully, I think I may have found a way out." She simply nods and rises to her feet. Only a few minutes pass before she too is merely three inches high, but of course a few centimeters shorter than I am. "Hey stranger...fancy meetin' you here." "Ha ha...so where's this escape route you claim to have found." She's surveying the area, amazed no doubt by the difference our height has made. I guess size really does matter, sorry couldn't help myself. "Over here, I noticed it while you were waiting on the key." I carefully lead her across monstrous cracks in the chessboard floor and over mountains of dust particles towards the stone wall that seems so much further away than it did 'six feet tall' ago. "Look at this, it was unnoticeable at our previous height, but I think now we could just fit...well?" I look at her for her opinion. It's only a crack in the wall, just tall and wide enough for us to safely fit through but there is no telling where it might lead to or what may be waiting on the other side. "Well, we really have no other choice. So far it's our only option of getting out of here." "We could go back the way we came, maybe there's another way." I mention this idea but I know it will never appeal to Scully...she's too into this. "Mulder, that's boring...the only way to go is forward. Until we reach the land through the looking glass then everything happens backwards before they happen forwards of course. Let's go." She smiles at my gaping mouth and delicately inches her way into the dark crevice. "Scully, you're starting to sound like you belong here...and that frightens me a bit." I hear her laugh from within the wall, and smiling follow her deeper into this wonder of a land. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 After slowly inching our way through the stone wall, we emerge from the crack into an enormous wooded area. Everything is gigantic, but then I remember that we're only a few inches high and that everything is going to appear about a hundred times larger than it did before. And I thought that the grass in the field had looked overgrown! Here the blades of grass are like huge trees, they hang overhead providing shade from the sun. It isn't hot though, there is a cool breeze and after everything that's happened the fresh air feels wonderful. "Amazing. I can't believe this Mulder." "It is pretty unbelievable, even for me. Hey did you ever see 'Honey I shrunk the Kids'?" "Yea, wasn't that the movie with Rick Moranis? The one where he was some sort of dorky scientist who accidentally shrunk his kids along with the neighbor's kids?" "Yea...that one. Well I feel like I'm right in the middle of that movie. You think we could find a stray ant to transport us around this place?" Flashing her a smile, I lean back against what looks like a huge stone mountain but is most likely just a rock. Crossing her arms she walks over to where I am standing. "What's the matter Mulder? Getting tired? Well, you're not as young as you used to be I guess." She smiles back at me and then continues to look around for a possible way to go. "That makes two of us Agent Scully, you're not all that young anymore either. I seem to recall a few less lines six years ago." Gesturing to the area around her eyes, she's suddenly looking very sharply at me. "And just what is that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "Uh-uh...no you don't. Are you implying that I am getting wrinkles? Well, I'll have you know Fox Mulder these are laugh lines." She stabs her finger at my chest to make her point and then turns on her heel and walks off through the monster grass. "Laugh lines. Right. She doesn't laugh that much. " Leaning away from the rock I jog to catch up with her. "Hey Scully wait up! Remember...I'm not as young as I used to be!!" I finally catch up with her, she has stopped next to a bunch of dandelions and is looking up over the blades of grass. "Look at this Mulder, isn't it beautiful?" She gestures with her hands to a garden full of flowers that surrounds us. There is a variety of different types, all beautiful and colorful. At our present height they look like huge trees, only prettier. "Thank you." An unrecognizable voice floats to us from nowhere. Looking around, neither one of us manages to pinpoint where it came from. "That was strange. I could have sworn I heard somebody say 'Thank you'." Scully says, looking at me obviously puzzled. This place is just one big puzzle after another, nothing makes sense, nothing is what it seems, its crazy! I could really grow to love it here. "I know what you mean Scully, I heard it too. But there's nobody here besides the two of us." "Oh but there is." There it is again, the same polite voice. It sounds like a woman, but where on Earth is it coming from? "Look up dears, we're all right here." Scully and I both turn our heads upwards again, seeing only the tall grass and the flowers. Just then, a red rose bends down ever so slowly and actually smiles! I can just make out a face on the petals...this is too much. "Of course!" exclaims Scully. "The garden of the talking flowers, I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner." "But this is impossible, flowers can't talk." I push my hands into my pockets and stare up at them one by one, noticing all the different kinds. There are roses, tiger lilies, pansies, violets, tulips, and a lot of others that I've never known the names of. "I can only assure you that we can. Well, here we are talking to you right now! What more do you need to convince you?" the rose states, putting her leaves on her hips...err I mean stem. "How is that possible? I've never heard flowers talk before I came here." "We must always prove ourselves." I hear her say to the others who only nod. "Feel the ground dear." Doing what she tells me to, I bend down and press my hand into the ground. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary, a little hard, but that's all. Standing I shrug my shoulders. "Well, what did you notice?" "Nothing really, the ground is a little hard." "Exactly, the ground is usually so soft in other flower beds that the flowers are always asleep! And that's why you've never heard them talk." I almost laugh out loud at that, but I manage to keep it to myself so as not to hurt her feelings. "Are you convinced now?" asked a tiger lily. "Yes. Alright. I'm convinced." How can I not be? After all she said it herself, they are talking to me right now so I can't very well likely say its impossible can I? "Excuse me," Scully speaks up, "can any of you suggest a way for us to go? We don't really know our way around here." "No, sorry, but we never go anywhere. Planted here as we are, movement is quite limited." Answered a strange yellow bell shaped flower. "Oh. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Well, thanks for your time but we really must keep going. Bye." Scully smiles up at the group of flowers, and I do the same. "Goodbye you two...and Good Luck!" We hear all of them saying their goodbyes and waving their leaves as we walk off through the grass and after awhile we can no longer see them over the huge blades. Agents N Wonderland Part 2 <><><><><><><> We walk on for what I would guess to be about thirty minutes or so. We talk about all sorts of little things, from past Xfiles to things going on with Scully's family. We go over all that has happened today, from the routine plane flight into Little Rock all the way up to the conversation we just had with verbal plants. It's these times that are the best, just getting to spend time talking to each other. Joking around, and having deep discussions...it makes the time fly to walk with your best friend. Then Scully glances ahead and looks skyward, with her eyes wide. "Check it out Mulder. I think we may have a smoking caterpillar on our hands." She turns to me and grins and begins her trek through the grass and weeds to meet the source of the billowing smoke that is floating towards us overhead. Well what else can I do but follow? Sure enough, we emerge into a small clearing and come upon three squat mushrooms. One is larger that the other two and perched atop it is the famous caterpillar. If you can call it that...it looks like no other caterpillar I've ever seen, not that I've cared to see too many...I don't care much for bugs. He's not even green, he's like a metallic blue color. Have you ever heard of a shiny blue caterpillar? Well now you have, he has six hands and six feet and in his hands is tangled the source of the smoke. It's a hookah. A hookah smoking caterpillar, this is definitely one for the books. Now I've seen it all. "You're late." He says quite bluntly, without even opening his eyes to see who has approached. "Excuse me?" Scully arches her eyebrows, like me she is slightly confused. "Excuse you. Its very rude to sneak up on me like that you know. After all you could have startled me and what a shame if I should fall off. Besides... you're late." "Late for what? You must have us confused for someone else." I offer. "Nope. Impossible, I do not get confused. It is I who does the confusing, NOT the other way around mind you." "Yes, well you're doing a very good job so far." I remark, just as Scully gives me the look that means 'quiet'. "Thank you, I'll shall make a note of that." And so he does, removing a small pad of paper and a pen from somewhere among the tangles of his hookah and sets to writing. " 'a job well done in the area of confusing' . There, note taken. Come, sit, pull up a fungi and rest your mind a while." He gestures to the two smaller mushrooms that have grown in front of his. Scully and I cautiously walk over and somehow manage to climb up on them and sit. Quite comfortable actually, very soft. "What is this you mean by us being late? We weren't aware that we had an appointment." Scully sits cross legged on the mushroom next to me, twiddling her thumbs. Odd, I never recalled her doing that before. "You did. You were scheduled to arrive years ago, and so you are late. Both of you, kept me waiting on this mushroom as time has gone by and by. Time is a funny thing, he passes me by quite quickly actually, but never stops to say hello. Funny fellow, time is." He shakes his head sadly, and I begin to wonder what exactly he is smoking. "But at last here you are and so I may finally go on my way." "But wait, why have you been waiting for us?" I ask him, becoming quite impatient. He takes a puff or two on the hookah and looks down at me with droopy eyelids and grins, blowing the smoke through his teeth forming a line of perfect...triangles? Whatever happened to blowing smoke rings? "Ah, of course. I almost forgot...its been so long. I have a message for you." He inhales a lung full of smoke again, this time it escapes in the shape of an X. "You're not going to tell us to keep our temper are you?" Scully questions. "No. Why do you ask?" "Well that's what you told 'Alice'." She explains. "Oh, yes. Was that her name? She never did tell me her name you know...she was too busy going on in a fuss about not knowing who she was exactly. She hardly knew herself, and so of course couldn't tell me who she was. Whatever became of the child?" "She woke up." "Of course...they all do. That is to say they get home, for of course you realize now this place is not just some dream... but a reality." "Of course. We see that now. What was that message for us you spoke of?" Scully reminds him. "The message...right. My message for you is? 'seek the truth internally' ." "What? That's the message? I should have known it would be Wonderland mumbo jumbo." I can't help myself...I know there must be a simple meaning to the whole thing but this whole place has put me in a haze. "You're partner is a nuisance my dear." He says to Scully, and then in a fit of smoke we are blinded and when it clears...he has disappeared leaving behind a note. "Did Alice tell you about the mushroom?" Scully reads the note and smiles. "The mushroom. One side will make you bigger, the other side will make you smaller." She reaches up and begins to tear off pieces of the mushroom, handing me two pieces and keeping two for herself. "And what if we hadn't known about it...then what?" "Well Mulder, I guess we would be shit out of luck. Anyway, lets try this and see in which direction we end up. Cheers." She holds up a piece of mushroom and in a mock toast we each take a bite. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Like it was with the drink, at first there is no noticeable change. However, in the blink of an eye the mushroom takes effect. Looking around at my surroundings, I estimate that I am most likely very close to my original height. It's at this point I realize that I don't see Scully around anywhere. "Scully!" I call out, cupping my hands around my mouth hoping that will carry the sound further. Nothing, there's no reply. I'm puzzled at first, but then suddenly I'm hit with realization. One side will make you grow taller, the other side will make you smaller. She must have bitten into the wrong piece. Delicately I crouch down and begin to separate the long grass around me, searching for either Scully or the mushrooms where we had recently found ourselves. Sifting through the grass, I notice a flash of red and then I see that it is Scully. Too bad I didn't bring my glasses, because now her height would probably be measured in centimeters rather than inches. She is standing beside a piece of the mushroom trying very hard to tear a smaller piece off. That makes sense, seeing as how her mouth must be very small in comparison to that hunk of mushroom and she probably can't get a good bite out of it. So, as quietly as I can I reach down and pick up the piece of mushroom. I startle Scully doing so, and I notice her jump back in surprise and look up at me. She looks relieved to see me, as she should. Due to my size now, I have to hold the piece between my thumb and finger. Squinting my eyes, I somehow manage to tear off an extremely tiny piece and gently put it back down on the ground. It's still big, next to Scully, but it's small enough that she is now able to take a small bite out of it. A few seconds later she is standing beside me, she's a little taller than usual but it's close enough...at least I don't hear her complaining. We take what little portions of mushroom we have left and place them in our pockets just in case we need them again. "Well, that was interesting I must say." Placing her hair behind her ear, she looks down to where she had just been. "Yea, I know. Thirty seven years old and I'm still having growth spurts." We both laugh at that, and start of again walking through the woods. <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> About an hour has passed since our encounter with the caterpillar. It looks later than it actually is because the trees form a canopy of leaves overhead. Little beams of sunlight make their way through the crowded branches, providing random patches of light on the ground. The air has become cooler, and the lightening bugs are out. Oh, wait?.they are lightening-bulb bugs. They are shaped like miniature light bulbs. Just another curious element that makes up this strange place. "Did you hear that?" Scully turns her eyes up to me and frowns. "Did I hear what?" We both stop and look around. It gets very silent, and then a low grumbling noise emanates from somewhere overhead. "Maybe my stomach?" I offer. "I left my sunflower seeds in the car." We're both still looking up, searching the limbs for any sign of the source of the sound. "No?.it didn't sound like a stomach growling." We stand there for what seems an eternity before we hear something else. This time it isn't a grumble, but instead a humble?.err, I mean a hum. Something is humming from the branches above us. I swear the humming sounds like "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", that hallucinogenic song by the Beatles. However, before I can be certain, Scully is yanking on my sleeve. "What?" I ask irritatingly, as I quickly pull my arm away before she rips it right out of the socket. "Look?.up there. On that branch." She points upward and I follow her gaze. There, amid the leaves and limbs, is a bright white row of smiling teeth! Curiouser and curiouser. "Hello there." Greets the hovering grin. "Uh, hello." Says Scully timidly. "You wouldn't by any chance be the Cheshire Cat would you?" She takes a small step forward, in hopes of getting a better look I would imagine. "Hee-Hee-Hee-Hee?.you've heard of me? What a shame, what a pity. I had so wanted to play a little guessing game with you, but alas you know who and what I am and that would quite take the fun out of it...wouldn't you agree?" With that, the rest of him slowly appears. He is a cat, there's no doubt about that?.but he's unlike any cat I've ever seen. He's bright orange with royal blue stripes, or you could say he's royal blue with bright orange stripes?.I can't tell. The stripes are very evenly distributed along him from head to tail. His whiskers are long, and seem to glow which illuminates the shadowed area around him. His eyes are wide and shining, and of course there is that hideous grin. "So tell me, just how did you know who I was? Before I was completely who I am? Hmmm?" He looks at us, waiting, making his eyes wider by the minute. " 'Alice'. That's how we know." I tell him. At this he begins to laugh until he is rolling on the branch on his back with all four feet in the air. "Of course! Alice! I had not nearly almost forgotten! What a pleasant child, pleasant, pleasant, pleasant...you know she was absolutely Mad, just like the rest of us? She quite denied it, but she was nonetheless. I so enjoyed confusing the poor thing, she had quite a temper which she promptly lost. Oh well, the Queen and her got quite into a pickle and I haven't seen her since." By this time he is through with his hysterics and is drooped lazily along the tree branch. "Speaking of the Queen, could you tell us how to find her?" It's amazing how unaffected Scully appears to be by all of this insanity. You might think that I would feel completely at ease here and that she would be irritated to no end, but the situation is turned around in this case. "Find her? Well, I don't suppose I could tell YOU how to find her, but I find her to be extremely rude and bad tempered." As he speaks he continues to swirl his eyes in a most hypnotic sort of way; I cannot take my eyes off of them but at the same time they are making me quite dizzy and sick to my stomach so I wish he would stop it at once. "That's not at all what I meant, and you know it." Is that a hint of irritation I hear in Scully's voice? "Oh but I don't know what you mean, if you want the right answer then you must ask the right question." "Alright then?.how can we get to the Queen from here." "Doesn't matter. Either way you take it will eventually lead there. To your right or to your left...it's all just one big circle in the end." "Oh, well thanks for your help." As we walk away, following the path, we can hear the cat vaguely in the background humming the song he had been humming when we first arrived, but turning around to take a final look I am met with nothing but en empty tree branch. I suppose he vanished again once we left. It's all for the best I suppose, after all?.who wants a vanishing humming cat following them around? I'm sure some of you out there wouldn't mind a bit, but I would and that's the important thing. "Hey Scully, would you ever want a vanishing cat like that?" "Oh I don't know?.a vanishing partner would be more convenient in my opinion." She jabs me in the ribs with her elbow to let me know she's joking. "Sure Scully, then how come every time I do vanish on you, you bitch at me for days because I ditched you?" "Well then, I'd prefer it if you at least told me you were going to vanish. Then it wouldn't be ditching would it?" "That's not the point." "Then what is the point? Because this conversation is making no sense, not to mention not going anywhere." "Well, why do our conversations have to necessarily GO somewhere? Haven't you ever just heard of mindless chatter?" "Yea...every time you come up with one of your Xfile theories. I'd classify that as mindless chatter." I give her a hurt puppy dog look and put a hand to my chest. "Ouch, Scully. That hurts." She just smiles at me, and continues to walk a few steps ahead of me. "Oh yea, well your scientific explanations deserve the same classification in my book." "It's too late Mulder, I already got you." Damn, I hate it when she's right. I jog to catch up with her. "Hey, aren't you hungry? We haven't eaten since this morning." I rub my stomach, trying to stiffle the grumbling sounds that are periodically emerging. "Yea, now that you mention it?.I could eat. But what could we possibly find out here?" She waves her arms in a circle indicating the vast woods that surround us. Just at that moment we hear voices in the distance. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 "It's a very merry unbirthday to you, to me, to you?.It's a very merry unbirthday to you, to me, to you?.da la la la la la..da la la la?. very merry unbirthday to us!!" Singing...just what we need. Mad singers. Following the noise we find ourselves standing at a white picket fence surrounding a small cottage. And in the front yard, of all places, is a long wooden table surrounded by a dozen chairs and covered with numerous teapots and teacups, with plates, and silverware and jars of things to eat. And sitting at this table, all bunched up in the corner, are only three "people". Although not really "people", there is one man...one funny looking man, with a small body and a tiny head on which is the biggest damn hat I've ever laid eyes on. And it's the most god awful purple color too?.for crying out loud where does this geek shop? He is seated next to a rabbit...undoubtedly the March Hare, and he's just as goofy looking as the Hatter. He has crazy eyes, and a suit in which nothing matches at all! The third member of the party is seated in a teapot...you heard me right...a teapot. It's a tiny mouse, and let me tell you...he looks quite drunk in my opinion. He's got droopier eyes than the Cheshire Cat. And they are all singing and drinking tea...and having a merry ole time. None of them even sees us or knows we've approached at all. "Excuse me!" I finally interrupt, after clearing my throat. I need to yell just to be heard over their song. "Ahh...intruders, intruders! Away with you...away with you I say! No room, no room. Shoo." The Hatter appears to be rather upset once he realizes that we are here. He's waving his arms crazily about. The March Hare just sits there calmly, with his ears folded down so as to protect them from the Hatter's lunatic shouting no doubt. And while all this commotion is taking place, the small mouse has fallen asleep with his tiny arms and head hanging over the side of the teapot. "What the hell do you mean you wacko?" This nonsense has finally knocked me over the edge, and I've lost my patience. "There's a dozen chairs here, and you're little group is occupying only two of them!" "No matter, you can't sit here." "And why is that?" I continue to get annoyed. "It's quite simple you nitwit. You haven't been invited, that's why." The Hatter crosses his arm and sticks his nose in the air. I'd beat him up if the fight would have been considered fair. "Well, then can you invite us?" Scully asks in a very polite tone, of course?.leave it to Scully. Always the one to keep her cool in a situation such as this. "Well, I don't know?.I've never thought about it." She has managed to puzzle the Hatter, and he ponders this for a while. "I must converse with my colleagues before I can make such an important decision." He turns to the March Hare and smacks him on the head to get his attention since he can't here with his ears folded down. Following that they both pour a cup of tea over the mouse to wake him up. Then they all turn away from us and form a huddle to discuss whether or not they should invite us in. Every now and then one of them looks over and studies us from head to toe and then joins back in the huddle. Then after what seems to have been a long time, they pull apart. "You are hereby considered...invited to our tea party. Please pull up a chair, talk nonsense with us. Bread? Butter? Jam? What will you have?" They all proceed to hand us things as we sit across from where they are, and we take them. We are too hungry to investigate what it is they could possible eat in this land. It all looks rather normal, and tastes satisfying. "Would you like to hear a story?" Asks the March Hare. "I'm afraid we really haven't the time." Scully says, smiling apologetically. "Oh, nevermind that...time is irrelevant. Non-important whatsoever." Points out the Hatter. "Okay here I go," begins the hare, "Once there lived a gnat, who became incredibly fat. So he ate only bread, and ended up dead...now what do you think of that? The end. Well, what do you think?" He folds his hands and perks up his ears, looking quite pleased with himself. "I think you shouldn't quit your day job." I say, drinking my tea. "Thank you! That is my day job, and since you say I shouldn't quit...I must be rather good at it! Thank you again!" What I wouldn't give for an aspirin right about now. "Would you care for a spot of tea?" The Mad Hatter offers Scully. "Although I really couldn't say exactly how you would care for a spot of tea seeing as how tea needs very little care?.or no care at all for that matter. Just keep it warm, because you know iced tea is so vulnerable to catching cold. I'm very poor at catching anything, so a cold has never been a matter to worry about?.that and baseball." I must have been sitting there with my face showing my amazement at his ability to babble on and on about the most ridiculous concepts because Scully took one glance at me and started cracking up. "Mulder, are you okay?" She says between laughing. "You look like someone just told you that an extraterrestrial is running for congress." "Yea well I wonder about most of them...but, um no I'm fine. Just a bit of a headache settling in that's all." It's at this moment I turn to find myself nose to nose with the March Hare. "You've got a big nose." "Yes..I..uh, know that. Any particular reason you would care?" "I was just wondering how you got it to grow so large, mine is rather stunted...any sort of special nose feed?" "What?! No you little ass-hare, get out of my face." With that I push my hand flat into his face and shove him over and away from me. "Well, that was rather un-guestly of you I must say. However I will take no offense because you are most likely just hungry and that is the reason for your behavior. Here have a piece of poundcake...although it really doesn't weigh a pound which really throws one off completely! It's either too light or too heavy?.but never a pound." He gives me a piece on a plate andI take it thankful to finally have something to eat. I sit here with Scully, as she slowly drinks a cup of tea, for a few moments in wonderful silence. "The world must be moving rather quickly today." Mentions the Mad Hatter as he looks straight up at the sky. Then the Dormouse and March Hare both do the same. Out of pure curiosity Scully and I both also look up, but see nothing strange (for once), just some trees and clouds. "What do you mean by that?" Scully questions. "Well my dear lady are you blind? Can you not see the speed at which those clouds are whisking by?" the Hatter points to the clouds overhead, they are moving rather fast but surely they know that is caused by wind. "The clouds of course don't move, it's the world moving that makes it appear that way. The quicker the clouds appear to be drifting by the faster the world is moving, and they appear to be rushing by at a tremendous speed. No wonder I awoke today in such a dizzy sort of way?.the world is spinning out of control!" "I don't believe this." Was all I could manage to mutter. "Shhh...Mulder quiet." "Scully," I whisper , " you can't possibly be taking any of this seriously...this is completely insane!" "Of course it is?.but it's what they believe and it wouldn't be polite to sit here and laugh at them at their own table would it?" "Sure. Fine. Whatever." "Oh knock that crap off Mulder...it's really getting old." "Yes ma'am." I salute for effect?.which really annoys her. That makes me laugh. Under my breath of course. We finish eating our "pound" cake and drink several cups of tea before we prepare to make our leave. "Oh must you? We were having such wonderfully mad conversations! I still was hoping to tell you of the time I lost the 8 legged race to the horribly competitive running spider from the other side of the wood." Whined the hatter. "Sorry, but no we couldn't possible stay another minute." While I rattle off excuses as to why we must keep moving, I am ushering Scully through the gate with my hand. "Thank you for everything, we really appreciate it." I smile as sincerely as possible and as we are walking away from the group of nutcases I hear them resume to singing their un-birthday song. Agents N Wonderland Part 3 <><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "You know Scully, I have to admit?.I seem to have the most interesting experiences with you." We've exited the woods and are now walking along a dirt path surrounded by fields of grass and in the distance what looks like might be a small house. "You? I think that's backwards Mulder. You seem to be the one always leading me on the interesting quests." "Oh...yea, that's what I meant." I smile down at her to see her raising an eyebrow suspiciously. "Uh-huh." "What? It was." "So Mulder, you still don't really care for the whole Wonderland atmosphere do you?" "Sorry Scully, I just chase little gray men and government conspiracies?.I'll leave chasing little white rabbits and other storybook characters up to you. Ouch?.what'd you kick me in the ankle for?" "For being a smart ass." "I suppose that seems fair enough, but I don't know why after all these years you're just now deciding to use physical violence against my unique sense of humor." I emphasize on that last part but keep a look of utter seriousness. "Mulder, everything about you is unique." There's no hint of sarcasm or humor in her voice and I'm taken aback when I realize that she is being completely sincere. I can't help but allow a smile to creep across my face. "Thanks Scully." I whisper, and then we continue on our adventure in silence as we make our way closer and closer to the little house on the other side of the hill. Once we are within about thirty feet of it we stop. "So, Agent Scully, who do you suppose lives there? After all you seem to know quite a bit about this place and its inhabitants." "Well, judging from the horrible ruckus and sound of crashing dishes," for indeed as we stood there, there was the most awful commotion coming from the house, "I would have to say that this would be the home of the Duchess and her famous pepper fanatic cook." "Well alright G-Woman, let's go and find out what's behind door number one." We close the distance between where we had been standing and the house, and with each step we took the commotion became louder and louder. I was beginning to wish I hadn't left my gun in the car, these women could be dangerous. Amidst the relentless crashing of glass I could hear the telltale sign of a baby?.crying. A loud, piercing, endless fit of crying. But I thought?. "Hey Scully? I thought that in the story 'Alice' took the baby and it turned into a pig in the woods or something like that?" "It did." "Yea, but...from the way the 'creatures' we've met have been talking, 'Alice' has already been here so why?.?" I gesture toward the now close house and wait for her to hear what I've been hearing, and then she too hears it and looks up to me confused. She just shrugs, so we walk through the gate and up to the door, and for some reason knock. As if they could really hear us to begin with. After waiting about a minute or so, I slowly turn the knob and allow myself in, much the way 'Alice' did if I remember correctly. "Hello?! Excuse me?!" Just then a rather large woman in medieval type attire turns to me. She's holding a small baby in her arms, that's flailing and wailing. It's red in the face from it's ceaseless bawling. She looks worn out, and about ready to crack. "Say what?!" She yells over the noise. Her cook is in the corner near the stove, using one hand to continuously shake a bottle of pepper over a huge pot above the fire on the stove. She is using the other to relentlessly hurtle an assortment of dishware at the lady holding the baby, whom I presume to be the Duchess. Each plate, cup, and bowl miss her by an inch and instead are sent crashing into the walls or the door in an explosion of glass. "I said excuse me?!" I repeated. "Oh?! You're quite excused sir, I never heard you burp!!" I chuckle a little at that. "Why is your baby crying?!" "What?! You mean this?!" she holds up the screaming baby and I nod. "I don't know, I haven't the slightest clue what could be bothering him!!" As if on cue a dinner plate flies past the child's head making contact with the shelves behind him. "You're going to end up killing that baby!!" Scully yells at the Duchess, obviously angered as her maternal instincts take over. "Woops, no time to talk! It's dance hour! Dance hour! Come on Cook, put the pepper away!!" The cook jumps up, ceases her dishware bombardment and sets the pepper down and begins to dance to the extremely loud record the Duchess has managed to put on. They both dance around the floor in circles, clapping their hands and stomping their feet on the floor causing the windows to rattle. "Here young lady, please hold this while I dance!" She flings the baby in Scully's direction, and Scully dashes forward as it lands in her arms. "Come on Mulder lets go!" The two party-goers don't seem to hear her. "Scully, what about the??!" I gesture toward the squirming infant in her arms. "You can't expect me to leave it here!! It'll die here!" She walks right past me and to the door, watching the cook and Duchess to see if they even notice her taking leave. They are completely oblivious. "Alright Scully, I'm right behind you." Before I follow Scully out the door I run back to the stove where the cook had been stationed and grab her bottle of pepper. After all, too much pepper can't be good for you anyway. I take it in my hand and run out the door after Scully, who is waiting for me at the open gate. "Mulder, what the hell do you want with a pepper shaker?" She looks at the object in my hand, her eyebrows knitted together in question. "Well...you got a baby," I whine as though I'm five years old, "I wanted something too." "Oh brother. Well, at least we're out of there and he's finally quieted down." She looks down at the small child who is wrapped up in a green blanket, now sound asleep. Scully smiles, and I'm suddenly reminded of Emily and all that she went through after finding out about the daughter she never knew she had. I'm also reminded that Scully will never be able to have children of her own, and seeing her with this infant now makes me both angered and saddened by that fact. "Shall we continue on?" I motion my arm indicating the road that continues past the house disappearing over a nearby hill. "We shall. We really have no other choice." "We could stay. Maybe they'll invite us to dinner." I hold up the pepper bottle and smile. "Uh, no. I say we keep walking?.fast." We don't know where our next stop is, but it's sure to be just as off the wall as every other stop we've made. I wonder how anyone could live in such a maddening environment, where day after day nothing ever seems to make any real sense. It's beyond my comprehension. But I suppose that its them who make this place what it is, they are who makes it nonsensical so it must be what they have become accustomed to. I wonder if I had lived my whole life here, if I would be just as cuckoo and off my rocker as the rest of the population? Hell, I'd probably just fit right in. As far as the bureau or anyone else who knows me is concerned I am cuckoo and completely off my rocker. Maybe if we ever find a way out of here, I'll tell Scully to go ahead and that I've finally found my place in the world...or whatever kind of world this happens to be. Of course she would say I'm being ridiculous and that she would do no such thing, so I suppose I'll just have to continue being the FBI's most unwanted. "Scully?.what are you thinking about?" I walk along beside her, with my hands shoved into my pockets since I have thrown the pepper bottle to the side of the road already. "Just stuff. Nothing really important." "You mean like whether or not you remembered to turn of the coffee pot or lock your door before we left D.C.?" "No. I mean like all the events that led up to us ending up here. Look at all the things that had to happen in order for us to be right where we are." "Yea, we got on a plane, then rented a car and drove and drove?" "No Mulder, I mean like you becoming an FBI agent and opening the X-Files, me not following a medical career and becoming an FBI agent and getting assigned to debunk your work, meeting you, getting reeled into your little world of government conspiracies and national cover-ups?.the list just goes on and on and on. Don't you ever think about this kind of thing? What did I do the end up where I am now sort of thing?" "Not really, but that is an interesting concept. Just think of all the minor details that led up to us meeting?.it's like a formula, an equation. If one little step was missed or overlooked, who knows Scully, you could be a doctor right now. I could still have my sister, but then who knows what I would have been. The possibilities are endless." "Yes they are. I guess we just got lucky, well except for your sister. It would be nice to think that she could still be here, but that somehow we still would have met." "That would have been perfect." <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 The three of us, Scully, the child and I, travel on along the road that winds through the fields of green grass. Time wears on, and sometimes Scully will move the baby from one arm to other to allow them each a chance to rest. Once in a while I carry it, so I can tell you this is no lightweight baby. It must weigh double what it should at this age, it appears to be between three or four months. "Hey Mulder?" "Yea?" "Well, suppose we do get out of this place but still have the baby. What do you think we should do about it?" "Turn it into Human Services I would imagine." "But they'll want to know where it came from, we can't very well likely tell them the truth can we?" "No, you've got a point. We'll just have to make up something then. Like...we found it in an abandoned apartment building. Or?.." "?.or we could just find a place for it here maybe." "That's an idea, find some Wonderland nut to raise a child." "Well we don't really have any other option now do we? I mean come on Mulder I?." she is interrupted by the most hideous sound coming from within the blanket. The noise is followed by the baby throwing a fit of wriggling and squirming and trying desperately to loosen Scully's hold on it. Not able to contain it any longer it falls from her arms, and the blanket falls aside to reveal a small baby pig. As quickly as it jumps to it's four hoofed feet, it takes off across the grass and disappears over a series of small rolling hills. "We should have definitely saw that one coming." "Speak for yourself, I don't care if I do know what's suppose to happen I still never see any of it coming." "Well I can say one thing Mulder, it was definitely a boy." "Really? What makes you say that?" "All boys turn into pigs in the end." I'm left with no comeback to this remark, so I just stand there with my hands in my pockets looking at her. She smiles a smile that says 'Oh yea...I got you' and proudly walks a step or two ahead of me until we are met by?.two playing cards in a carriage. Oh this day just gets more and more curious. "You are under arrest by order of the Queen." They both blurt out simultaneously. "Huh? For what? The Queen of what?" I ask, completely confused and shocked by this latest encounter. "Why, the Queen of Hearts you blithering idiot. As for what this is all about we can't say, we are simply to notify the arrests?.not the cause. You both are to come with us. First though, introductions are in order I believe. I am the Five of Diamonds, and this," he gestures to the playing card sitting beside him, "is the Three of Clubs. And you would be?" "And I would be? You want to know who I would be? I would be 'About Ready to Kick Your Flat Little?." "Mulder!" She bores into me with her eyes and I know to just keep my mouth shut once again. Turning to the cards in front of us she takes over. "Excuse him, he?.hasn't had his medication today. I'm Dana Scully and this is my partner Fox Mulder." "Very well, introductions accomplished. Moving on, if the two of you would kindly step into the carriage we will deliver you to her majesty." So the two of us climb our way into the open top carriage, sit and relax as two gleaming white unicorns pull us towards the dreaded Queen of Hearts. And yes I realize I said 'unicorns' but after all that I've seen and heard today?.nothing shocks me anymore. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "Off with their heads!!!" Okay, I am now officially shocked! We haven't even been here two minutes yet. The minute we walked through the door, she barked out the order of execution! There are certain benefits to a democracy, especially when faced with this sort of alternative. "But dear." Came the mousy whisper of the short King beside his Queen. "Don't you think maybe this one time we could have a trial? Hmmmm? Please, for me, your cute little poker chip?" "Well, alright!" She barked. "But make it quick...I want to see heads roll!!!" She was red in the face from her explosive yelling. "Oh yes dear, of course dear." He then turns out towards the court and as loud as he can calls, "First witness! First witness!" "First witness?!" I call out. "What's the charge?!" "You mean charges?! I've got a few right here!!" Calls out the Queen. "Lets start with disrupting the flower bed, illegal growing and shrinking, eating mushrooms in a no mushroom zone, asking to be invited to a tea party that you weren't previously invited to, conversing with a mad cat, and among other things you stole a bottle of pepper and ran off with the Duchesses baby!!" "You can't be serious!!" I shout. "I what?!?!?!? What did you say?!?! Did you just say there was something I can't do?!?! Forget the crummy trial!!! Off with their heads, of with them immediately!! Take them now!!" Following her orders, a deck of cards run forward in our direction carrying sharp staffs and surround us. We are tied and taken to a block on a high platform out in the middle of the Queen's croquet gardens for all of Wonderland to see. She sits far back from where we are, on a platform of her own that holds a throne in which she is seated grinning. We are made to kneel and our heads are forced down on two huge wooden blocks. Approaching from either side of the platform are two figures shrouded in black with their faces covered by black hoods, but they are both unmistakably playing cards. They carry with them each a huge axe that resembles the kind to chop down trees with. They take their spot, one beside me and the other beside Scully. The way our heads are on the blocks, we are facing one another. "Well, this sucks doesn't it?" I whisper to Scully. "Completely." Is all she manages to say, because I can tell that she, like me, has a lump in her throat and is trying to keep a tear from falling. I'm trying to focus on all the things I want to say, to tell her, before this happens. But now that the time has come my words have escaped me completely and I can't think clearly. I look up and see that Scully's executioner has raised his weapon, and can only guess that mine has done the same. The sun gleams causing a bright glare to reflect off the axe, and I am blinded just as I hear a telltale 'whoosh' before all explodes into a mixture of pure white light and darkness. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 I awake with a sudden start, and hear myself make a sound as though something has startled me but for the life of me I can't remember what it was. I sit up in the front seat of the car, and notice the sun hanging low in the sky. The temperature has cooled a bit, but not much. My neck is sweaty and I can feel the sweat in my hair. I check my watch?.broken, so I turn the key in the ignition backwards to turn on the clock, 7:45 p.m. We've slept longer than we had intended to. I look over the seats to the back of the car, Scully is lying there but her eyes are open and she is holding her head with one hand. "Scully, are you okay?" " Yea, I just woke up scared for some reason. I think I got up the same time you did, I heard you make a noise like you had woken up from a bad dream or something." She sits up and we look at each other puzzled. There is something missing, it feels like we both know something but can't remember for the life of us what it is. "I think I had a strange dream, but I can't seem to recall it." "Same here, that's odd. Oh well, come on Scully we better get back on the road. We're probably in big enough trouble already for being as late as we are. I'll drive." She nods and gets out of the backseat to find her place in the passenger seat beside me. I start the car, letting the air conditioner kick in. First we are hit with blasts of hot air, but that soon dissipates and we're met with cool air. We travel down the highway in silence, still not fully awake from our long nap, so I reach over to turn on the radio. I flip through the stations for awhile, and then stop on one that says 'All hits from the 60's and 70'?.here on Q-Beat.'. A song begins and I tap my fingers along on the steering, just as the words of the song begin. "One pill makes you taller, and one pill makes you small. And the ones that mother give you don't do anything at all?.go ask Alice, when she's ten feet tall. And if you go chasing rabbits, and you know you're going to fall, tell him a hookah?.smoking caterpillar has given you the call?.goask Alice, when she was just small." Both our heads snap around to look at each other, with amazed expressions on our faces. And simultaneously we shake our heads and say?. "No way," not aware of the bits of mushroom still inside our jacket pockets. T h e E n d The lyrics from the song used in the end of the story are from "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane. I hope you enjoyed my story, if you made it through it that is...its pretty long. If you did, thanks for your patience. I know feedback is rare and endangered, but its also appreciated. Thank you. (For feedback email StrBuck99@aol.com).