From: Todd China Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1999 19:53:37 -0700 Subject: Agua Mala: The Revenge (1/1) AGUA MALA: THE REVENGE by Todd China Summary: Bite me. Category: Bite me. Spoilers: Bite me. Rating: Bite me. "You know, Scully," Mulder said, "I've been thinking of how lucky I am." "Really?" "Of course. If it weren't for your quick thinking, that water monster would have killed me. Arthur Dales was right." Scully snuggled up to Mulder as they sat on Mulder's bed in the Florida motel room. "Was he?" "Yes. I owe you everything, Scully. You owe me nothing." Several buildings away, unbeknownst to Mulder and Scully, Arthur Dales was listening in on their conversation with the help of sophisticated listening equipment. "Ooooh, I'm getting so excited," Dales squeaked like a dirty old man. "The allure of the heart is as wondrously deep and mysterious as the ocean." "Scully," Mulder's voice came through Dales' receiver, "I love you." "Oh, I love you too, Mulder." "Aaah, true love," Dales said. "It sends my heart into previously unknown flights of pure ecstasy." Dales, getting very excited, very hot, as a result of this conversation, started masturbating, fantasizing about fair Agent Dana Scully. He heard Mulder and Scully kissing, and suddenly he couldn't take it anymore. How could a fucking punk like Agent Loser Mulder get all the chicks, he thought with resentment. He, Arthur Dales, was the man who had discovered the X Files, goddamnit! He was entitled to a piece of the action! Without hesitation, Dales put on his trench coat and drove through the pouring rain to Mulder and Scully. Just when things started getting pretty heavy, Mulder and Scully were interrupted by a knock on the door. "Damn it, this always happens, just when we're about to get serious," Mulder complained. "You're damn right. Who the hell could it be? Hell man!" Scully said as she opened the door. Who should come charging in but Arthur Dales! "Arthur Dales?" Mulder said, shocked. "What are you doing here?" "I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine," Dales said, running up to smack Mulder across the head with a well-aimed baseball. Mulder was knocked out cold. "Mulder!" Scully said, reaching for her gun but not finding it in her holster. "What do you want?" Scully said. "Tender loving," Dales said as he grabbed Scully. Hooking one arm around her neck and grabbing her ass with his other hand, Dales' mouth devoured Scully's like a starving refugee. Scully reacted by grabbing Dales by the nuts. "You are my angel of truth. You are the paragon of pure beauty," Dales said. "Touch me baby." Scully squeezed Dales' organ so hard that his eyes were ready to pop out when she was done. Dales collapsed to the floor, gasping. "Vou c'est la belle dame sans merci," Dales uttered as he threw another baseball at Scully's unsuspecting head, knocking her out. "Motherfucking cocksuckers. I'll never fuck again," Dales complained, holding his wounded balls. Suddenly, the evil water monster came bursting through the door! "No!" Dales shouted. "Take them, not me! I'll do anything, anything!" The water monster miraculously morphed into a man. "Recognize me, Arthur?" it said. "No. Who are you?" "I'm your long-lost evil half brother, Arthur. Your whore mother had sex with a water monster, and thus I was born. Why do you think I killed all those people? I'm pissed that I was ever born, doomed to live a lonely life as a water monster, always having to avoid fresh water, never being able to experience the joys of love. I'll never be able to sing in the rain or hold hands with a girl during a movie or kiss a girl. Feel her hand in mine. I'll never experience the joys of sex or fatherhood. I'm as bitter as fuck! No, I'm an outcast, a scientific anomaly, a mistake!" "So... what are you going to do to me?" Dales said. "I'm going to take it all out on your ass, motherfucker!" With those last words, a slimy, salty, watery tentacle came shooting out of the water monster's chest and impaled Arthur Dales through the chest. "Die, you old bag, die! I hate you." The monster lifted Dales through the air and slammed him back down on the ground, lifting him up again, only to slam him down again. Dales grunted in pain. "Fucking die, you fucking prick!" The water monster then shot out multiple tentacles and impaled Dales through every imaginable orifice on his body. It then picked up the dead Arthur Dales and hurled him out the window, sending his body flying hundreds of miles through the air to land in a Florida swamp. Arthur Dales was never seen again. The End.