Title: Airport Revelations 

From: Suzan Nouwens

Date: 24 June, 2004

Rating: G

Category:  Story Vignette R

Spoilers: Per Manum

Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance

Airport Revelations 1

Airport waiting hall
6.25 p.m.

As I'm sitting here in a draughty hall of the airport waiting 
for Mulder to come back with some coffee, which will hopefully 
pull me through the next few hours, I notice a small family 
seating itself on the red uncomfortable plastic chairs right 
across from me. 

The parents look exhausted. Miserable. They probably have a 
delayed flight. The father drops their heavy luggage on the 
ground with a deep sigh. Too tired to hold the uncomfortable 
weight any longer. He watches his wife bungling with her 
bags as he sits down. He stands up again to take the bags 
from her, knowing that she would be bungling with it for 
another two minutes otherwise. He then decides it's better 
to put their luggage safely under the chair. No matter how 
many security and surveillance cameras there are, you can't 
trust anyone here.

Meanwhile, the woman has taken an as comfortable position as 
possible in the plastic chair. Her son is standing in front of 
her with his arms raised up, begging silently to be picked up.

As I'm watching this family, I'm once again reminded of the 
things I don't have. The things I'll probably never have. 
Trying to get the dirt of her child's face, the mother is 
rubbing the child's cheeks with a handkerchief. Little 
seemingly meaningless things like this make me yearn for a 
life like that. How I wish I would be able to do this. Holding 
my child and caringly remove the evidence of him playing in 
the sand-box all the afternoon with his friends.

I'm suddenly pulled out of my reverie as a plastic cup of 
coffee is hovering in front of my nose. I glance up as I take 
the cup gratefully and see Mulder looking down at me, 
smiling sweetly.

"You're back quickly," I remark a bit astonished.

Mulder shrugs. "I thought those ten minutes were quite long, 
but well I was standing in an endless line with only nagging 
people, only to get a bad tasting shot of caffeine."

"Oh, Mulder I'm sorry I didn't realize, I'm really thankful 
that..."

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so harsh. "

Ten minutes. Had it been that long? I'm sure he was only gone 
for two minutes. Time sure flies sometimes. Again my thoughts 
are cut off as I hear Mulder saying my name.

"Sorry, Mulder, what did you say?" I turn to him in order to 
make sure I won't be missing anything now. I'm faced with a 
concerned expression.

"Are you okay Scully?"

I just stare at him. Was it that obvious? Finally, I decide to 
answer. Knowing that if I wait any longer he won't believe me 
even if I would swear it on my life. "I'm fine, Mulder," I sigh. 
I know he won't take that as an answer. "I'm just tired and 
dragged-out from the case and all this travelling". He nods. 

"Yeah, me too, I know what you mean". He decides to leave it 
with that and he turns to his suitcase to the left of him and 
pulls out the file with all the information on our latest case. 
What better time to fill inreports? This way we have more 
spare-time. And, there's nothing else to do here anyway. Well you 
could always read, think, or do some people-watching. Since I have 
nothing interesting to read and the latter two make me depressed, 
I decide to go back to my file again too.

We've both been working silently at our reports for ten minutes now. 
I'm really getting in to it, and I'm making good progress. I glance 
over at Mulder. He's really engrossed in his report too. I continue 
to watch him. How his eyes dance over the paper in a fluent motion. 
How is muscles seem to tighten more and more by the minute.

He notices me staring at him. No matter how much he's involved in 
something, he always notices me when I stare at him. He looks up and 
smiles. 

"Can't concentrate?" he asks. I'm kind of embarrassed now, so I 
quickly turn my focus back to my report. Avoiding eye-contact. I 
can't tell him I was just watching him.

"A bit" I mumble. We both turn back to our work.

The little boy falls as he tries to get his brown fuzzy teddy-bear 
which is lying on top of one of the bags. He's crying loudly, so his 
mother desperately tries to comfort him, as she gets icy stares from 
other people who are annoyed by the sound. How I hate those people.

His father looks helplessly, not knowing what to do. The mother is 
still stroking her son tenderly. I can see on his face that he feels 
guilty about just sitting there, not doing anything, especially 
under the watchful eyes of the annoyed people around them. He then 
decides to get some coffee or something and leaves his wife alone, 
feeling better to fly away from this then facing it. I bet he runs 
away from problems more often. Mulder wouldn't be like that. He
would never be able to walk away from his child if it was hurt, even 
if his child had as little pain, or less, as this boy has.

Oh Mulder. How I wish I could see him be a father--the father of our 
child. Since the day I asked him to be the father of my "in-vitro" 
child, I keep imagining what it would be like. Us. I know asking him 
didn't held the consequence of us being romantically involved, or 
involved in any way for that matter, but I can't help thinking about 
it. There's one scene constantly repeating in my mind, almost 
nagging.

Mulder 's sitting behind me against the headboard of my bed, pulling 
me closer as I sit between his legs. In my arms I hold our little 
girl. Her eyes are big and blue and sometimes kind of greenish, her 
hair is light brown and probably will turn dark when she gets older. 
Mulder's arms encircle my middle in such a way that that I'm able to 
put my arms on them for support. We just sit and watch as our little 
daughter falls asleep.

I could always adopt a child. I would love it with all my heart, I'm 
sure. It's just that ... I don't want just any child-- I want a 
child with Mulder. I want to raise my child with Mulder. I don't 
want to do that with another man, and I don't want to do it alone. I 
once considered it, being a single mom, but not anymore.

There's one thing I want more than all of that, but I'm afraid I'll 
never have it; Mulder. I don't know what we have. I know what we 
don't have. We're not just friends, but what then? It seems like 
we're stuck in this place and that we never get out. Like I once 
said to Mulder: it seems like we're always driving. We never stop 
and get out of the car. We're always moving but we never get to our 
goal, we never get to the end of this long, exhausting road. Of 
course, my feelings towards Mulder weren't always like this and I 
haven't been sure of my feelings for a long time. But it seemed that 
we were finally getting closer these past few months, closer in a 
"relationship way". But the only thing we still are is just friends,
 and it's frustrating.

I feel Mulder squeezing my hand. He spotted me staring at that 
family.The simple gesture brings me on the verge of tears. He's so 
caring, and I can't take it right now. Not when I'm depressed over
not having him, not having these touches everyday, not having these
touches when I'm happy, but only when I'm sad, when something's
wrong. I can't look at him-- I just can't. I feel his warm 
fingertips as theybrush slightly over my chin. He tries to turn my 
face towards him, but I won't let him. Now he definitely knows 
something's wrong.

"Scully?" he asks softly. I hear his concern in it. I won't let him 
see me this way. I quickly stand up and walk away. In the background 
I hear Mulder saying my name. How typical. I just judged that man 
for running away from his problems and now I do the same. I'm 
walking through the hall, directionless. I figure I might as well go 
to the rest-room while I'm walking here. Trying to make it seem I 
didn't walkaway from my problems, that I just needed to make use of 
the rest-room. God. Who am I fooling?

Five minutes later, I come back. Not wanting, but knowing I have to 
face Mulder sometime, so I'd better get it over with. As I come 
closer, I see Mulder watching the mother rocking her son as he 
falls asleep. I come to a standstill. 

Even at this distance I can see the sadness in Mulder's eyes. I know
he wanted to take part in raising our child. I know how much he 
wanted tobe a father. My heart aches for him as I see him like this. 
God I acted so stupid. He only wanted to comfort me. He didn't know 
what was going through my head. That I was only thinking about him 
and us. That I wasn't thinking about this unborn child that I so 
desperately wanted to have.

I walk over at him. He looks up and I see his eyes shimmering with 
wetness. Oh Mulder. I'm so sorry.

x-x-x-x-x
 
The things some people nag about. Jeez. I'm glad I finally got our 
coffee. I don't think I would have been able to stand it any minute 
longer.It's a bit draughty in here. I hope it won't cool down the 
coffee. God knows how much I need a warm cup of caffeine right now. 
Especially after listening for ten minutes to that old ladies' 
course of life, including all the diseases she has had.

I guess it could be worse. The case is over, it's Saturday, so 
tomorrow I'll finally have a day off. I love my job, I really do, 
but after working 12 days, almost twenty hours a day, I don't really 
mind a day off, to put it mildly. Plus we don't have a delayed 
flight like those poor people across from where we seated seem to 
have. God they look miserable. So I guess I'll manage.

I hand the coffee over to Scully, but she's staring off into space. 
She seems very tired. I hope the coffee will do her good. When I 
hover the cup in front of her nose I finally get her attention. She 
takes the cup gratefully and I have to smile at that. Yes, thing 
definitely could be worse. I could be sitting here alone, without 
Scully.

"You're back quickly."

"I thought those ten minutes were quite long, but well I was 
standing in an endless line with only nagging people, only to get a 
bad tasting shot of caffeine."

I see the apologetic look on her face and it makes me feel stupid, 
I'm such a dumb-ass. Great Mulder, just let her make her feel 
guilty, like it was her fault.

"Oh, Mulder I'm sorry I didn't realize, I'm really thankful that..."

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so harsh."

Maybe it seemed longer for me. Time goes slow sometimes. I look over
at Scully. She's zoned out again. Something is not quit right. She 
seems tired, but it's not just that. I know she'll say she's fine if 
I'll ask her about it, but I decide to try anyway.

"Is something wrong Scully?"

At hearing here name she snaps out of reverie.

"Are you okay Scully?"

She looks at me like I just told her that I believe there's no such 
thing as aliens and conspiracies. It takes a while for her to 
answer, but when she does she tells me she's fine. Just what I 
expected. But then she continues.

"I'm just tired and dragged-out from the case and all this 
travelling". I'm really glad she told me that. Even though she knows 
I know that's not the truth. 

At least now I know that there is something more going on. It's 
strange the way we communicate sometimes. I can see she's a bit 
uncomfortable with this situation, so I decided to leave it at 
this. I hate to see her like this, and I can't help believing it's
partly my fault. I wish I could make her happy, that I could make 
her smile all the time. God I love that. I love it when she smiles, 
it's such a beautiful sight. I love those few times when it's me 
that is making her smile. When her smile is just meant for me, only 
me. I'd better get some work done I figure, keep my mind of the 
amazing woman next to me.

I feel Scully watching me. I wait for her to go back to her own 
file, but she doesn't. Finally, I turn to her.

"Can't concentrate?"

She turns away quickly. She seems kind of embarrassed. I turn back 
to my work. I know pressing won't get her talking.

The sound of somebody crying gets me out of my concentration. I take 
a deep breath and stretch my muscles in my back and neck. After 
looking around a bit I turn back to my work again. There's nothing 
to see here anyway. Only people who look annoyed.

Out the corner of my I see Scully staring again. I follow her gaze 
and my eyes fall on the family across from us. Suddenly I see the 
connection. Now I know what's bothering Scully. God, how could I be
so stupid? Right in front of our noses is 'the picture perfect". 
A child in his mother's warm and loving embrace. 

The mother is rocking the sweet little boy asleep. The sight brings
a lump in my throat. Not because it's sweet the way she softly 
kisses his head and not because it's touching the way she lovingly 
rubs his arms and back so he won't get cold. But because Scully 
can't have this. Because I can't give it to her. Neither any other 
man. 

Sometimes it makes me angry. Why did they have to take this away 
from her? She would be such a good mother, she would love her child 
so much. Most of the time it makes me sad though. I was so happy 
when she asked me to be the father of her child. I was honoured. 
She asked me. Her child would have a part of me. I couldn't believe 
it. She even wanted me to take part in raising the child, if I 
wanted to, but I wanted to be sure she really wanted that too and 
that she didn't say that because she thought it was obligated. She 
assured me it wasn't. It almost seemed real. Scully, her baby and 
me. Almost.

I softly squeez her hand, trying to support her in some way. I 
want to let her know I'm there for her if she needs me. She 
probably already knows, but sometimes I feel I have to remind her 
of that. I want to make sure she knows, so I try to turn her face 
to me, but she won't let me.

"Scully?".

She stands up and walks away. After a moment of shock I call 
her but she doesn't respond, she just keeps on walking. I'm really 
confused now. What's so wrong that she won't let me comfort her? 
Why doesn't she feel safe enough with me to show her her feelings? 
I thought we were beyond this barrier. Since that she's been more 
open to me, at least, about that. I'm afraid. She isn't trying to 
shut me out again right? That would kill me. I couldn't believe I 
could love her more than I once did, but after this year...we've 
grown so much closer this year. I look at the family across from 
us again. Do they know they're lucky? How I wish that was Scully 
and me and our baby. I'm afraid it'll never happen and it hurts.

I hear Scully approaching and look up. As she sits down she takes 
my hand in mine.

"I'm sorry Mulder. I'm sorry I acted so..." she waves her hand in 
the air while trying to find the right word, "stupid, I guess. I 
know you were only trying to help me, and I want to open up but...
well...".

I nod. "It's okay." I'm actually relieved. I was so scared she 
would shut me out.

"No it's not...I..." She takes a deep sigh and looks up.

"I was watching that family and...and..." She cracks up. I hear 
the hurt in her voice. She takes another deep sigh and 
continues, "and...uhm...and I guess I just got a bit 
over-emotional, you know, because...and that was just stupid."

I nod. Of course I know what she's trying to say.

"Are you sure that's it?" I'm so scared that something's wrong 
with her. 

She nods and looks down.

"Scully, it's okay," I say as I lift her chin up so I can look 
in her eyes.

"I know it's hard for you."

I pull a strand of her hair behind her ear and suddenly she begins 
to cry. She abruptly wipes her tears away, but I take her hand from 
her face and in my own.

"It's okay to cry Scully, don't be ashamed." I whisper to her, but 
she shakes her head.

"All these people Mulder..."

"They don't know you, and besides they're to busy with her own 
problems." I stroke her cheek softly. I start to kiss her tears 
away. At first she seems to relax, but suddenly I feel her go 
tense.

"Mulder, don't." she says as you pulls away from me.

x-x-x-x-x-x
 
I walk over to Mulder and sit down while I take his hand in mine. 
God I acted so stupid. I feel I need to give Mulder some 
explanation, but I can't. I can't tell him why I acted this way, 
because I can't tell him how I feel. I can't tell him that it's 
him that I want, that I want to spend the rest of this, of my life, 
with him. I can't explain, but I have to. At least I have to make 
him see that I do want to open up to him, that I appreciate his 
comfort.

"I'm sorry Mulder. I'm sorry I acted so... stupid, I guess. I 
know you were only trying to help me, and I want to open up ... 
but...well...".

He nods. "It's okay."

"No it's not...I..." I take a deep sigh. This is so much harder 
than I imagined.

"I was watching that family and...and..." I crack up. I have to 
take another breath before I can continue, "and...uhm... and I 
guess I just got a bit over-emotional, you know, because...and 

that was just stupid."

"Are you sure that's it?"
I nod, although it isn't true. I don't want to betray myself, 
so I look down. I feel Mulder lifting it up again with his finger. 
I could have known he would do that.

"Scully, it's okay. I know it's hard for you."

Again I feel his soft warm fingers as they caress the skin of 
my face. He looks at me tenderly as he brushes a strand out of 
my face and feel the tears in my eyes well up and spill over. 
Why am I so emotional? God get a grip Dana.

"It's okay to cry Scully, don't be ashamed." I feel so stupid. 
I wish I could just crawl away in a dark corner, disappear.

"All these people Mulder..."

"They don't know you, and besides they're to busy with her own 
problems." Maybe he's right. Maybe I just need to get it out and 
get it over with. Suddenly Mulder begins kissing my cheek. How I 
want him to keep on doing this. It feels so nice. I close my eyes 
for a moment., imagining that we're in my bed, warm and cosy, 
instead of this chilly, un-personal and public airport. I imagine 
Mulder kissing me not only on my cheek, but also on my jaw, my 
forehead, my nose...my lips. I imagine kissing Mulder on the same 
places. I have to stop this. I can't keep fooling myself. I'll only 
hurt myself. I pull away from Mulder and a part of me regrets it 
already.

"Mulder, don't."

A shrill sound comes from the speakers above us. Allpassengers 
of flight 823, Chicago-Washington D.C. are requested to make their 
way to the plane. Well, I guess this is our cue then. I stand up 
reluctantly, knowing that when we're on that plane there's no 
rest-room I can fly to, no place where I can hide myself and my 
feelings. I'm afraid things will be said, things I don't want to 
admit, at least not to Mulder. I grab my suitcase and my bag. I 
close my eyes and just stand there for a few seconds. I hear 
a lot of noise on the background. People who are talking, 
little cars for transport, messages that echo through the 
speakers and the hall. Next to me I hear Mulder's steady 
breathing, he's waiting for me. I take a deep sigh and open 
my eyes. I'm ready.

I'm suddenly very tired. The transition of a cold windy hall 
to a warm and cosy airplane must be the cause of that I figure. 
I'm settled and I'm glad to see that Mulder has found a good 
position too. Most of the time his legs are too long so he can't 
get comfortable. I feel myself nodding off. Maybe I can get some 
hours sleep.

x-x-x-x-x
 
Inside the airplane
9.13 p.m.

I watch Scully as she's sleeping. She looks so peaceful now. 
I think back on what just happened in the airport. I've never 
seen her react this way. It's not like her.Something is really 
wrong. Maybe it was just too much for her. We've been working 
very hard the past two weeks and the case was pretty gruesome, 
maybe this was just the last straw.

She's so beautiful. I can't help watching her when she's asleep, 
cause only then can I revel and drown in her beauty. She wouldn't 
let me watch her this way if she were awake. I'm feeling kind of 
tired myself, maybe I should try to get some sleep too.

I can't sleep. I decide to watch the movie that they put on 
almost an hour ago. I missed a lot of it, but I am still able to 
follow it because the plot is really bad and the actors are too.
Actually it's just one big lousy movie, but I watch it anyway. I 
feel Scully 's warmth against me as she unconsciously leans closer 
in her sleep. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and pull her 
even closer. But I can't, so I tell myself to focus on the movie
instead of Scully. 

Suddenly I hear a faintly familiar voice calling my name. I turn 
to the direction where it came from and I'm greeted by a woman 
who's now almost standing next to me. She's tall, not too tall, and 
has long brown hair and a pretty face. At first I don't recognize 
her,but when she starts to speak it's all coming back to me.

"Hi Fox! How are you?"

"Hi! I'm fine. And you? What's going on with you?"

"I'm fine too. I'm a teacher at Yale now. I heard that you're 
working for the FBI, that's so cool!"

"Yeah well, it has is pros and cons". She smiles at that. Then I 
see her looking over at Scully and her smile fades a little.

"God it's been so long since I've seen you. I see you aren't dating 
Phoebe anymore." She says as she nods to Scully.

"Oh we're not ...we're partners, we work together." She nods and I 
think I just saw a sign of relieve on her face. "Anyway, I'm glad 
I'm not dating Phoebe anymore, thank god." We both laugh at that.

"So, do you have a wife or a girlfriend?"

"No, not at this moment." I'm pretty sure which way this is 
going. And although she is a very attractive, smart and nice 
woman, I'm not interested, but before I can tell her that, she 
already asks me.

"Oh well in that case, I was wondering if maybe you want to go 
out with me? You now catching up and stuff." She's looking at me 
in expectation. She must have no trouble asking men out. She's
very beautiful and charming and I bet she almost never gets 
turned down.

"I uhm, I'm sorry, but uhm I've already got..." I don't know what 
to say, but Alicia nods understandingly. "You've already got a 
significant other." She says as she looks again at Scully.

I take a quick glance at Scully and then turn back to Alicia.

"Yes, yes I think I have" I say softly. To my surprise Alicia 
still manages to smile a sincere smile.

"It's o.k. I could always try I thought. I hope you'll be happy 
together, you make a cute couple. Well, if you ever want to hear 
the latest gossips about of your other fellow-students, make a 
call to this number, I know a lot. We could just talk as friends, 
if you want to of course", she added quickly.

"Great. I'd love that. Here, this is my number."

"Great, thanks, hope I'll hear from you. Bye!"

"Bye!" I see her walk away and think about what she just said, 
I'm no longer interested in the movie, all I can think about is 
my 'significant other', my Scully.

x-x-x-x-x-x

I must have been fallen asleep, cause I can't remember that 
they put that movie on and it seems it's almost at it's end 
already. I don't want to fully wake up yet. I just want to revel 
a bit more in Mulder's warmth. A high womanly voice brings me out 
of my semi-sleep immediately though.

"Hi Fox! How are you?" I take a little peek through the lashes of 
my eye. Next to Mulder I see a tall, beautiful woman. I mean a 
really beautiful woman. She could be a model. She's smiling sweetly
to Mulder and the sight must take his breath away. It does to all 
the other men sitting near us.

"Hi! I'm fine. And you? What's going on with you?" I hear Mulder's
enthousiastic voice and it brings a knot to my stomach. Who is she? 
And what does she want from Mulder? I hate myself for being 
jeaulous, I have no right to be and that makes me even more 
depressed. I decide to pretend I'm asleep. I'm not up to being 
social, to pretend that I'm o.k., to pretend I'm not feeling 
threatend by this woman.

"I'm fine too. I'm a teacher at Yale now. I heard that you're 
working for the FBI, that's so cool!"

"Yeah well, it has is pros and cons".

"God it's been so long since I've seen you. I see you aren't 
dating Phoebe anymore."

"Oh we're not ...we're partners, we work together" . 
Just partners. Again I'm reminded of this fact. I wish I was 
really sleeping.

"Anyway, I'm glad I'm not dating Phoebe anymore, thank god."

"So, do you have a wife or a girlfriend?"

"No, not at this moment."

"Oh well in that case, I was wondering if maybe you want to go 
out with me? You now catching up and stuff." I knew this was coming. 
I'm dreading Mulder's answer. He's silent for a moment. I'm scared.

"I uhm, I'm sorry, but uhm I've already got..." Again silence 
takes over and I feel them staring at me. It makes me be really 
aware of myself. I hate that feeling. I try to lie as still as 
possible, so that they won't find out that I'm actually awake. 
Finally she breaks the silence.

"You've already got a significant other." Her voice sounds a bit
 dissapointed.

"Yes, yes I think I have." His voice sounds so soft and tender. 
My heartrate climbs instantly and I fear that Mulder feels my 
heart pounding wildly in my chest. I'm afraid that I'm interpreting 
this wrong. I don't dare to hope he's talking about me. But who else 
could it be? 

"It's o.k. I could always try I thought. I hope you'll be happy 
together, you make a cute couple. Well, if you ever want to hear 
the latest gossips about of your other fellow-students, make a 
call to this number, I know a lot. We could just talk as friends, 
if you want to of course". I can't follow what she's talking about. 
I don't want to even. My mind is filled with two words 'cute 
couple'.

"Great. I'd love that. Here, this is my number."

"Great, thanks, hope I'll hear from you. Bye!"

"Bye!" She finally walks away. I don't know what to do. I can't 
'wake up' now, it would be to obvious. Again I feel Mulder's gaze 
on me. He pulls a strand of hair out of my face and puts it behind 
my ear. With his index finger he continues his journey along my jaw 
ever so slowly. Then he cups my cheek with his warm hand and strokes 
it with his thumb. It feels so nice. I slowly open my eyes.

"Are we there already?" I ask knowing that we're not, but I have to 
keep my act up.

"No we're not", he says softly, "but I wish we were". His eyes are 
telling me he's not just talking about this flight, but also about 
another journey. Our journey. I nod.

"I wish we were too." We stare at eachother for moment. Then he 
suddenly sits up strait and gets this serious look on his face.

"Scully?" I'm getting scared. I don't want to talk about this, 
at least not here.

"Mulder, I think my watch is a few minutes slow, can I see 
yours? You know, I think I'm nine minutes missing, isn't that 
spooky?" I start babbling, trying to avoid the subject. I reach 
over to grap his wrist but Mulder is faster and takes my wirst 
in a firm grip before I can reach his. I look up and again I see 
hurt in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Mulder, I didn't mean to make fun of you. I.."

"Scully it's not about that", instead of holding my wrist in his 
frim grip, he begins to stroke it softly, "I don't want to think 
about you being lost, about you being abducted. Every time I'm 
scared that someone will hurt you and that....it's just not 
funny."

"I'm sorry Mulder, I should have..."

"It's okay".

Silence. I turn towards the window. This is so stupid. Why is it 
that everytime one of us has the courage to do something about 
this, us, that it's suddenly gone, why do we always chicken out? 
Why? I mean we're grown-ups. We know about people and 
relationships, we've experienced it ourselves. We both want it 
right? I know I do. Mulder just called me his 'significant other' 
right? I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of playing this game. 
The only solution to put an end to this frustration is to just 
tell Mulder how I feel. To just tell him what I want and to ask 
him if he want it too. It's simple; yes or no. I know delays are 
dangerous and I tell myself to ask him now, instead of tonight, 
while I still have that courage. I don't care about all those 
people around us, I'm too frustrated, I can't wait any longer. I 
turn around towards Mulder.

"Mulder?"

Come on Dana just say it. Maybe this isn't such a good idea,
maybe I would be better to have this discussion in private ... 
I'm making excuses again and I feel my courage ebb away.

"Scully?" He looks at me expectingly. I just stare at him. Maybe 
it isn't so simple. I mean our relationship isn't, so why could this 
be different?

"I uhm... I..." He waits patiently.

"Mulder...I wanted to know if you...I wanted to ask you..." 
God I can't do this.

"No let me say this differently. I ..."

"Scully?" He takes my hand in his and strokes it gently. 
"If you're not ready yet, just take some more time, we can talk 
later. That's what you want right, to talk?"

I nod. "Yes, uhm...could you come with me to my place 
tonight? I mean immediatly after we landed?"

"Sure, of course".

"Thanks."

The rest of the flight goes by in silence. God how am I going 
to do this. I'm so nervous. I haven't been this nervous since...
I don't even know when. I'm constantly giving myself peptalks, 
convincing myself that this is the best thing to do. I can't 
chicken out. I have to do it. I have to, because I think sooner 
or later this frustration will drive me crazy.

Scully's residence
11.53 p.m.

I'm so nervous. This is the moment of confessions, the moment 
of truth. Another truth I've been searching for. It seems like 
I already have been searching for my keys for ten minutes and
I still haven't found them. I'm sure they're in my purse.

"Here, let me." I step aside and Mulder opens the door with 
the spare key I gave him. It's such a normal thing, but still 
so meaningfull. I wish we were living together. That he would 
open the door of our house, instead the one of my apartment.

I throw my finally-found-keys on the table and quickly walk 
to my bedroom."Do you have a minute Mulder? I'd like to slip 
into something more comfortable, these shoes are killing me."

"Okay.""If you want something to drink you know where it is 
right?"

"Yeah sure." He says as he sits down.

"Okay."

I'm glad that I have a moment for myself. That I have the 
chance to clear my head a little. God how should I even begin. 
Should I just blurt it out? Like "Mulder I love you and that's 
why I didn't want you to touch me cause I don't want to get any 
false hope."? That actually didn't sound so bad. I close my eyes 
and take a deep breath. Okay, well here we go.

x-x-x-x-x-x

She looks so nervous. I've never seen her like that. It scares me. 
I make some room for her and she sits down on the couch. She 
doesn't look at me. She's looking at the floor instead and fumbles 
with the hem of her sleeve. She looks so vulnerable and fragile like 
this. I want to pull her close, but after today I don't know where 
my limits are.

"Mulder...I..uhm..." Her voice is so soft I almost can't 
hear her.

"I want to tell you something, but I don't know how, I don't 
know if..."

She falls silent. I wonder what she's going to tell me, what's 
so hard for her to tell me. It's hurting me that she can't tell 
me this, I thought we were so much closer now, that she'd 
trusted me with anything.

She stands up and puts her face in her hands, hiding her face 
which betrays her emotions. It's so quiet. I know I'd better wait 
for her to start talking herself, but I just have to know.

"Why didn't you let me comfort you Scully?"

She looks up and I see a thick tear rolling slowly over her cheek. 
Her lips move a few times, but the words don't come.

"Why did you run away? Why did you tell me to stop?"

"Because I didn't..." she falls silent again.

"Because you didn't ...?" I ask.

She slowly walks over to the couch and sits down again. She 
staring into space. Again she's silent and for a moment I think 
that I'm going to have to drag it all out of her, but suddenly she 
turns to me and looks me straight in my eyes and I know immediatly 
she's ready. Ready to tell me, ready to share.

" I...I ran away from it because...because I don't want to end up 
hurting Mulder."

"I know it's difficult for you, letting people in, but I thought 
that we...after all these years .. you know I would never want to 
hurt you Scully, don't you? I mean after you asked me to be...you 
know...you were so much more open to me. Why won't you let me 
comfort you anymore? Why are you suddenly so afraid now?"

"I know you'd never hurt me Mulder, it's not about that. It's not 
that I don't want you comforting me Mulder. I actually need it more 
than anything at some moments."

I'm confused now.

"Then why do you think you'll end up being hurt?"

She sighs. More tears are rolling over her cheek now. She wipes 
them abruptly away.

"It's torture Mulder. I'm getting just little parts but all I want 
is everything and I don't know if I'll ever get it."

Again I'm confused.

"I'm tired Mulder. I'm tired of waiting. I can't take it anymore, I 
can't stand waiting any longer. I always had this feeling that there 
was more for us than this. I have to know how you feel Mulder, I 
need to know. I can't go on like this. I can't go on seeing you each 
day, knowing that in the evening I'll go to my home alone. I love
you Mulder, and hearing those soft words and feeling those warm 
touches make me feel safe and loved but also depressed at the same 
time and if we'll never have more than what we have now, you 
comforting me will in the end only end up hurting me. I know I can 
be wrong Mulder, but deep down inside I know that you want this too 
and if this is true we're wasting our time."

Mulder just looks at me. I can't take it anymore. God what have I 
done?? Tears are rolling over my face and I can't stop them from 
falling. I'm so tired. Why doesn't he say anything? On the one hand 
I feel so relieved but on the other hand I'm scared that I may have
done something really stupid.

"Mulder, I just wanted to tell you this. You don't have to....if 
you could just tell me what you feel, what you want...then I can 
just move on.... please Mulder?"

Again he says nothing. His hand reaches for my cheek and he slowly 
wipes a tear away.

"I'm sorry that I caused you pain Scully", he whispers softly 
"and I'm so sorry that we wasted our time."

He cups my cheek, stroking it lightly with his thumb.I can't 
help but lean into it.

"I love you too Scully."

This is so strange. Why do I still feel so miserable? I should
 be the luckiest girl on the world right now. I lean in closer 
to Mulder and pull him towards me. He takes me in his arms. I 
feel his warm hands rubbing over my back. Suddenly I can't take 
it anymore. I was just so frustrated. It seems if all the tension 
finally draws out of me. I start crying uncontrollably. Mulder 
pulls me even closer. I revel in his warmth. I don't want to let 
go of him, I'm afraid I'll lose him if I let go. I know it's an 
irrational thought, but I can't help feeling this way. We sit like 
this for a while, I think almost ten minutes. It feels so good. I 
wish I could do this whenever I want and then I realize I can, we 
can. This is so strange. It seems so unreal that we can now 
starting with doing things like this. It hasn't really hit me yet.

"So what are we going to do now?"

I'm glad Mulder feels as akward about this as me. I pull slightly 
away from Mulder so I can look at him.

"I don't know," I say "whatever we want." We both stare at 
eachother and I can't help but smile.

"This is so weird."

"Yes, yes it is."  

"So...all of the sudden we are a couple now? Are we a couple?" 
He sounds so vulnerable it's scary.

"Well, if...if you want to"

"Do you want to?"
I nod. "Yes... yes I do".

He only nods and smiles, but his expression says enough. 

I always dreamed about the perfect situation to be kissed 
by Mulder. Romantic nights, evenings of comfort, hotel rooms 
on cases, even undercover assignments like the Arcadia case, 
every scene had the perfect moment for the perfect kiss. How 
ironic that this scene is nothing but romantic. Discussing if 
you are going to be a couple before the kiss is always bad for 
the romantic atmosphere. 

It doesn't really matter that's it's not as in all the Hollywood 
movies though, we can have more romantic nights later. All that 
matters is that I'm with Mulder now, in every way.

As we both lean in I feel my stomach doing flip-flops. Oh my god 
I haven't had that in such a long time. 
When our lips meet it's better than all the scenes I imagined. I 
can't help but lean in more closely. 

x-x-x-x-x

I feel Scully's arms wrap around my neck. It feels so right. I 
need her closer.  Her hands entwine in my hair and her kiss becomes 
more and more passionate by the minute. I think I'm soon going to 
drown in her kiss. I pull on her waist to settle her on my lap but 
she pulls back. 

"What's wrong?" 

She blushes a litlle and says "uhm, I don't want to go too fast, 
at least I think."

"You think?"

She laughs shyly "Uhm what I mean is, this feels really right, 
but I don't want to go too fast, I mean I think the best thing to 
do is to take it slow, because it's such a huge change, but and the 
other hand, it, I.." I can see she is a bit embarresed.

"I know what you mean, why don't we just take it slow then and see 
what happens".

"Okay".

"Well maybe I should go home, it's late."

"No, no...I don't want you to go yet."

"Okay."

"Actually, I think I don't want you to go at all."

"What about taking it slow?"

"I changed my mind" she says with a grin "No, no, I just really 
want you here, can't you stay the night and just sleep next to me? 
Hold me?"

I've never seen Scully so depended of someone. It's weird, but 
also sweet.

"How can I say no to that?"

We hug and share another kiss.

"Come on Mulder, let's go to bed."

Jeez. It's going to be hard to take it slow if she keep saying 
things like that I think. She must see on my face what I think 
because slaps me on my arm and grins.

"Don't even think about it Mulder." 

x-x-x-x-x
 
She comes out of the bathroom wearing a beautiful silk dark 
blue nightgown. "Jeez Scully, how I'm going to keep it going 
slow if you wear that?" I joke, but she knows I'm actualy 
serious and it makes her blush.

"I...I wondered what it would be like to touch some of that 
Mulder skin without it being cut open or bruised like it normally 
is, and I couldn't do that in my normal pj's. But if you want me 
to change I'll go to the bathroom again."

"No no! No it's fine like this Scully". She grins at my respons
 and walks over to the other side of the bed and clims in. 
Immediately I pull her close. She feels so good. I'm glad she made 
the choice to put that gown on. The skin of our legs and arms touch 
as we wrap ourselves around eachother. For a few minutes we are just
content with lying in eachothers arms. I slowly carress her back, 
drawing slow circles along it. She seems to like it because once in 
a while she makes a soft humming sounds.

"This feels nice."

"Yeah it does."

"Thank you Mulder" she says and she reaches up to kiss me. It's just 
a simple kiss but it feels so good. 

"Thank you for what?"

"Uhm I don't know actually" she chuckles softly. It's the best sound 
in the world. God I love her so much. I can't believe I'm lying in 
bed with Scully. I look at this amazing woman next to me, and I 
don't understand how I so suddenly got so lucky to end up here with
her. 

"I can't believe it either." she says, reading my mind.

"I think you are right Scully, I think we should take it slow, get 
used to the idea."

She nodds but then pulls me closer and kisses me again. This time 
the kiss is deeper, but still slow and very sensual. It feels so 
good. She feels so good. I'm kissing Scully. I'm kissing her! It 
constantly goes throuh my head. She draws a hand through my hair 
and I think I'm in heaven. We kiss for another few minutes but 
then I just have to ask her.
"I thought we just agreed to take it slow?"

"Yeah but well, we got to start somewhere right?" she says with 
a grin. I can't argue with that and I lean in immediately to kiss 
that beautiful, tastefull lips again.

x-x-x-x-x
 
7.34 a.m.
I wake up in Mulder's arms. I don't think it can be any 
better than this. It's been so long since I fellt like this, 
so long since I fellt this comfort and peace. Last night was 
perfect. After an hour of sweet touches and kisses I was 
finally so tired that I fell a sleep while Mulder was murmering 
the sweetest things to me. I'm so glad Mulder had no problems 
with taking it slow. Even though it all feels wonderfull it's 
also still very unreal. Psychically I'm ready for so much more, 
but my mind has some catching up to do. I do know that I don't
want to sleep another night alone anymore. I hope Mulder feels 
the same way, otherwise I have to lure him with some 
sunflowerseeds. As I look at his peacefull sleeping form and 
at the smile on his face I have the slightest idea that it won't 
take any effort to keep him here. I snuggle closer to him, not 
wanting to let go. I'm still tired of yesterday. When I think 
back of that draughty, miserable hallway of the airport I get 
chills again. Maybe I should get some more sleep. 

My eyes grow heavy and I'm having trouble keeping them open. I 
don't mind going to sleep though because from now on I know that 
everytime I will wake up I will be with Mulder, the man who is 
more than just my friend, finally.

end