From: comixgirl@juno.com Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2000 17:22:40 -0800 Subject: xfc: "Albuquerque" by Alien Girl (1/1) Humor Source: xfc From: comixgirl@juno.com THE X-FILES "Albuquerque" by Alien Girl comixgirl@juno.com www.geocities.com/Area51/Underworld/1113 Rating: PG or whatever Classification: V, H Keywords: Langly. Humor. Werid Al song. 'Nuff said. :) Spoilers: Nopers. Summary: A little insight into Langly's life before he joined up with Frohike and Byers. Archive: Anywhere and everywhere, including Spooky's! Just please let me know first!! Feedback: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Disclaimer: I do NOT own Langly or Mulder or Scully or anybody really worth owning. But then if I did I guess I'd be some kind of slavemaster or something. Hey, that would mean CC is a slavemaster!! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A FREE COUNTRY!!! *Sigh*...I know, they're not mine, I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue. Trust me, you won't get much. And the song "Albuquerque" belongs to the wonderfully talented Weird Al. :) I'm only borrowing it. Sort of. Author's Notes: Okay. This story is a complete and total waste of my time. AND I DON'T CARE!! This is just a little break I'm doing while in the middle of "Around the World in Twelve Months" (which I haven't even started posting yet good grief...) And I'm sure I could be doing much more important things right now. Being the obssessed little Phile that I am, I simply *have* to relate every single song I hear to M&S someway. :) Only this song doesn't have anything to do with M&S. I just picked Langly as the character that has to suffer through all this crazy torture. I don't know if anyone out there has actually bothered to listen to Weird Al's song "Albuquerque" the entire way through. I wrote down all the lyrics. There's nine pages of lyrics, just so you know. They all tell the most ridiculous story in the world, and since I have a thing for ridiculous stories, I decided to apply it to X-F. Don't expect anything intelligent here, this is nothing but silly humor. :):) -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* "Albuquerque" By Alien Girl Dear Mulder and Scully, Of course, you are probably wondering the purpose of this letter. Well actually, it's not really a letter, it's more of a documentary or something. See, I was thinking about stuff one day, and I realized that with all the dangerous hacking work we do 24/7, my life is constantly in danger. At least, I think it is. Frohike sure seems to think so. And I suddenly thought..."Well, what if I get killed sometime, and no one knew my past history?" It would be just horrible if I died or something nasty like you guys are always investigating and there was some funeral and nobody knew what to say except "He should have cut his hair." I'm tired of hearing that. So, I decided to write you an account of the years spent in my youth, before I met Frohike or Byers and became a paranoid conspiratist. I mean, don't take it like that. I just thought it'd be important to explain my past history, which people (hopefully) know very little of. Normally I would give this to Frohike or Byers, but I'm certain that Frohike would tease me about it for the rest of my known life and then probably beyond, so I'm sending it to you. At least you won't bring it up every time I go out to get doughnuts. At least, I hope not. See, way back when I was a little kid, around twelve or so, I lived in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's bait shop. I *know* you know the place...don't ask, I think the only bedroom in the house had been burned down. Or something. So anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just PEACHY! Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. DAAAAAAAAAGHHH! BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT!!! EVERY SINGLE MORNING!!!! It was driving me crazy! So one day, I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom! What's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train, and she leaned right down next to me, and she said...... "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 17 and a half years old!! My mother was like that sometimes. That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, faraway place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are oh-so-fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukelelies all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! Well, I have to tell you, my dream came true much sooner than I expected. Cause the very next day I made that promise, the local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nemoy's butt! I was off by three... But I still won the grand prize! That's right, a first-class one-way ticket to Albuquerque!!! Yeah, well, that was the first time I had ever been on a real airplane! It was really great! Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe *body odor*, and the little kid in back of me kept throwing up the whole time, and the flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was a "Biodome" remake with Polly Shores! Oh yeah...and three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and CRASHED into a hillside and the plane EXPLODED in a giant FIREBALL and EVERYBODY DIED!!!! Except for me, of course! You know why? Cause I had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position! Really, it works!! So, I crawled from the twisted, burning wreckage. I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days! Dragging along my big leather suitcase and my garland bag and my tenor saxophone and my 12-pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel! But finally I arrived at the world-famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn, where the towels are oh-so-FLUFFY! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna! It's okay, they're clean! Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectrovision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much... When suddenly, there's a knock at the door. Well now, who could that be? I said, "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it?" There's no answer. "WHO IS IT?!!" They're not saying anything! So finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock-of-seagulls haircut and ONLY ONE NOSTRIL. Aw man, I *hate* it when I'm right.... So anyway, he burst into my room and he grabbed my lucky snorkel and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! that snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!" And he's like, "Tough!" And I'm like, "Give it!" And he's like, "Make me!" And I'm like, "'K!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows (don't worry, they grew back...) and I took out his appendix and he gave me a case of Australian pnemonia and I didn't even know it! And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook! And 20 seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll TELL you what it said! It said... "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up, and then dial your operator. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up, and then dial your operator." Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there, that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostriled man was brought to justice! But I first I decided to buy some doughnuts. So I got in my car and I drove over to the doughnut shop and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter (who looked a *lot* like that one guy with the yellow eyes Mulder mentioned once...) and he's like, "Yeah, whadda ya want?" I said, "You got any glazed doughnuts?" He said, "No, we're outta glazed doughnuts!" I said, "Well, you got any jelly doughnuts?" He said, "No, we're outta jelly doughnuts!" I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled doughnuts?" He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled doughnuts!" I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!" I said, "You got any apple fritters?" He said, "NO, we're outta apple fritters!" I said, "You got any BEAR CLAWS?!" He said: "Wait a minute...I'll go check." So I waited awhile, gazing about at various 'Roadkill Cafe' shirts that hung around the room, before he finally came back and said... "NO, WE'RE OUTTA BEAR CLAWS!!" I said, "Well, in that case....in that case, what DO you have?" He says, "All I got right now is this box of one-dozen starving crazed weasels." I said, "Okay, I'll take that." So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over! NA-NAG-HAGH! AAG-NAGH-AAHG! Like that! Aw man, they were just going nuts! They were tearing me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little diddy started going through my head...I believe it went a little something like this.... "DAAAAAAGH!!! GEEIMOFFME!!GEEIMOFFME!! AAAGH!!! OH GEIMOFF GEIMOFF!!! AOOOOOGGGGHHHH!!!! GEIMOFF GEIMOFF!!! AHHHH! A-AAAAAAOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGAHHHHH!!!!!!!!" I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, waving my arms all around and just runnin' runnin' runnin' like a constipated weiner dog! And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams! He name was Zelda. She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said.... "Hey...you got weasels on your face." That's when I knew it was true love! We were inseparable after that! Ooh, we ate together, we bathed together...we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss! The world was our burrito. So we eloped and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly! Oh, we were so very, very happy.....oh yeah.... But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie-pumpkin? Do you want to join to Columbia record club?" I said, "WOOOAH! Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a committment!" So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go in Albuquerque! Anyway, things really started looking up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my life-long dream! That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face! Oh yeah, everyone was pretty jealous of me after that. I was getting a lot of attitude! Okay, like, one time I was out in the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil...when I see this guy Marty trying to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs by himself. So I, I said to him, "Hey! You want me to help you wit that?" And Marty, he just *rolls* his eyes and goes, "NOOO, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did. And then he gets all indignant on me! He's like, "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well *that's* just great....how was *I* supposed to know that? I'm not a MIND READER for cryin' out loud.... Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname...'Torso Boy'! So what's *he* complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote...this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days! Well, *I* knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein! And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don't you get it?" But he just kept rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "AAAAGHHH!! AAAAUUUUUUGH!! AAAHHHHAAAAAAGGGG!!!" And completely missing the *irony* of the whole situation.... Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? Anyway, um......where was I........kinda lost my train of thought.............. Well, uh, okay......I know this is kinda a roundabout way of saying this....but I guess the whole point I'm trying to make here is................. *I* *HATE* *SAUERKRAUT!!!!!* That's all I'm really trying to say. And by the way, you two, if you ever find yourselves on some case in the middle of Alternate Universe, Texas, thinking about how you can stop the Platypus Man or whatever from murdering another fanfic writer and feel full of loathing and self-doubt and are racked with the pain and isolation of years of fighting against the most sinister forces known to mankind.... At LEAST you can take a SMALL bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up alien-filled universe of ours....there's still a little place called Albuquerque! And at least you aren't there! I guess that's all I have to say about that. It was after that that I met Frohike and then Byers at that convention, and things sort of took off from there. You all know the rest. Thanks for taking the time to read this, you guys...I know you'll keep it safe for me and bring it out someday when it's really needed! Just please don't put it in the paper shredder, Scully. Yours truly, Ringo Langly -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*--*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* thE End!! Please send all feedback tidbits rightaway! Don't worry, I'm not trying to dis Langly with this or anything, the biting into the guy's jugular and all that...he's a really cool guy! I just thought he would fit best with this crazy song!