From: "A. R." Date: Sun, 16 May 1999 10:40:38 PDT Subject: Aliens in Oregon Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully do not belong to me, they belong to 20th Century Fox, 1013 Productions, and Chris Carter. I just like to play around with them. :) Aliens in Oregon by conspiracy Rated: PG/PG-13 (there's a bad word) Classification: parody Spoilers: none Summary: Mulder and Scully travel to Oregon hoping to finally find Mulder's sister. Aliens in Oregon by conspiracy Special Agent Fox Mulder leaned back in his chair, putting his feet up on his desk, looking through the details of a case file. Suddenly, his cell-phone wrang and he clumsily jumped up, knocking several file folders and magazines off his desk in the process. Getting his berrings straight, he hurriedy picked up the vibrating phone off the corner of his desk and spoke into it. "Mulder," he answered. "Mulder, it's me, where are you?" a familiar voice asked on the other end. "I'm at the office, Scully. I've been here for the last 30 minutes waiting for you. Where are you?" "*I've* been waiting outside our office door for the past 25 minutes. It's locked. I've been knocking, haven't you heard me? Or were you engrossed in your, uh, *work* again?" "I must have been distracted. I was reading through a case." He paused. "I wonder why the door's locked... Scully?" No answer. "Scully!" He raced to the door, flinging it open. There stood Dana Scully, a startled look on her face. "What happened?" he asked, visably worried. "Nothing. I hung up. I figured you could go on with your theories on how the door mysteriously locked for hours without noticing I was gone." Okay, so she didn't actually *say* that, although that is what she would have *liked* to say. Instead, she simply replied, "Nothing, I'm fine. What was it you wanted to talk to me about so urgently?" "Us," he thought. "Our relationship. I want to be more than friends, Dana." But, envisioning the look of disgust and utter distaste on her face as she politely explained that office relationships "just don't work out," he decided, instead, to stick to the case he had been looking into. "Scully, I realise it's not your inclination, but have you ever thought it strange that Oregon is a state known for UFO sightings, and the abbreviation for the University of Oregon is actually U *of* O?" "Oregon is known for UFO sightings?" "Yes." "I thought Nevada and Arizona were known for UFO sightings." "Yes, they are, but the first majorly publicised sighting was in Washington state, which is right above Oregon, therefore it would be only natural to assume..." "Okay, okay, I understand!" She shouted in frustration. Collecting herself, she formed her next words very slowly and deliberately. "No, I've never thought that it was strange." "What?" "That Oregon was known for UFO sightings and the U of O sounds like UFO." "Also, the University of Oregon mascot is the duck." "And?" "In the fall, when ducks begin to fly south, you can see both UFO's and ducks in the Oregon sky." "I'm still not seeing your point." "UFO, U of O, ducks. Get it?" "Oh, I think I see now. UFO's fly, ducks fly, the U of O doesn't fly, but it sounds like UFO and the duck is it's mascot." "Exactly!" "There's a very thin line between insanity and genious," she thought to herself. "Mulder," she said aloud, somewhat impatiently. "What are you getting at?" "Just read the file on this case and maybe you'll understand." He got down on his hands and knees on the floor to look for the file, which he had kicked off his desk in his hurry to answer the phone. Scully glanced down and noticed a rather interesting magazine which had also been knocked off the desk. Picking it up, she read the title aloud. "Playboy Special: Alien Abductees." "That's not mine," Mulder quickly assured her from the floor. "I'm sure it's not." She tossed the magazine aside with a little smile. "Here it is," he announced, standing up with a file folder in his hands. He handed her the folder and waited patiently as she thumbed through it. "Let me guess," she said *half*-sarcastically. "You believe this woman is your sister." "How'd you know?" "Her name is Samantha and she claims to be an alien abductee." She glanced back down at the file in her hands. "Oh, *and* she's a student at the University of Oregon." "She also says that she was abducted as a child and has no recollection of her real family. She recently underwent regression hypnosis and gained back her memory of the abductions, then filed a report, hoping to find her biological parents." "Mulder, it says here that her original last name was Niguyen." "That's the last name that she gave to the family that adopted her. Why should she have any recollection of what her last name was if she can't even remember her family?" "Or her first name for that matter." "Just look at this picture, Scully. Isn't the resemblance uncanny?" He handed her a large color photograph. She looked down at the picture. "Mulder, this woman is oriental." He rolled his eyes. "Scully, be realistic. Don't you think that advanced beings with the power to travel light years to get here could change a little thing like race?" "Hmmm..." Scully thought. "I have two choices, paid vacation, or paperwork." She looked at the stack of expense reports on the table. "Well, Mulder, I don't know if you'll find your sister, but I have to agree that this does warrant investigation." ***************************************************** "So Skinner actually thought this was a worth-while case?" Scully asked as she and Mulder boarded a plane to Eugene, Oregon. "Actually, no. Not at first, anyway. He said he recieved orders from above. Looks like we've got a friend." "Either that or they're sending us on a wild goose chase." He turned to look at her. "Scully, this may not seem that important to you, but finding my sister, finding the truth, is more important to me than anything." "Mulder, it's not that I don't care about your search for your sister. I just don't think that anything about this case suggests that Samantha Chang is your sister. And moreover, I don't think it's healthy that you do see a connection." "I know you don't see it, Scully, but I can *feel* that it's her." "Mulder," she thought, "if you met a black transvestite at a bar who's drag name was Samantha, you'd *feel* it was your sister." "Scully?" She looked at him, concerned. "Mulder, just don't get your hopes up too high. I don't want to see you get hurt. I mean, what evidence do you have that this woman is your sister. Real evidence, not just feelings." He suddenly became annoyed. "You want evidence, Scully? Just look at the statistics. I have been right 99.9% of the time we've been working together when I haven't even been involved. Doesn't it stand to reason that I would be right about my own sister? At this point it's getting old for you to even question one of my theories. Don't you see that?! I mean, look at us. Every single day: I'm right, you're wrong. I'm right, you're wrong. You want scientific proof of one of my theories? Science will tell you that no matter how radical what I'm saying may be, it is statistically inevitable that I'm right. So why don't you just save yourself the trouble and start agreeing with me about everything?" By this time they were sitting in their seats on board the plane. He looked at her and then forward at the empty seat in front of him. "God, I've been wanting to say that for a long time." She let a few moments pass before she spoke. "Well, there was that Boggs thing." "That doesn't count." "Why not?!" "You were emotionally unstable at the time." "So? You were still wrong." "Yeah, but I was uninformed. You didn't tell me about the thing with your father." "Yes, but you were still wrong." "Like I said, I'm right 99.9% of the time. Nobody's perfect. Don't dwell on it." As he finished his sentence, the plane began to take off. ************************************************* As the plane began to fly over Idaho, a bright light began to show through the window, blinding Mulder, who had been looking out at the ground below. Shielding his eyes, he awoke Scully, who had been sleeping peacfully. "Scully!" he whispered urgently. "Wha- What is it Mulder," she said dazedly, still not fully awake. "I think it's a UFO." Upon hearing this statement she decided to go back to sleep, but he persisted to poke her elbow until finally she openned her eyes. "I'm up already!" she screamed, trying to stop the prodding finger from touching her arm again. "Scully, look," he urged motioning towards the window. "What? I don't see anything." "That bright light, can't you see it." "That's the sun, Mulder." "What?" He uncovered his eyes, which he had still been shielding from the brightness, and took a better look out the window. "Oh. I knew that. I was just testing you out." "Sure. Fine. Whatever. Can I go back to sleep now?" "Scully, can I ask you something?" She looked up at him, squinting from the light streaming in through the window. "What?" she snapped, irritated and tired. He looked suddenly hurt. Annoyed, but also feeling bad about hurting his feelings, she sat up and looked at him with a little more compassion. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I'm just tired. What did you want to ask me?" "Scully- have you ever thought about being *more* than friends?" he thought. He couldn't make himself say it. Again he pictured the disgusted look on her face as she rejected him. *Just ask* he tried to coach himself. "Scully-" Suddenly he was interrupted by I large *jolt*. The plane shook fiercely. "Scully, hold me!" Mulder yelped as he grasped his arms tightly around her and held on for dear life. "Get off-a me!" she screamed, shoving him away and clinging to the arm rest for safety. "What's going on, Mulder?" He looked around, desperately searching for an answer. "Maybe we're being intercepted." "By who?!" she screamed, trying to be heard above the other passengers' cries. "A UFO!" "Oh please!" she looked around, trying to come up with some other explanation, to find some way to stop whatever it was that was happening, and then- BOOM! There was a tremendous explosion, then darkness. Peace. *************************************************** Mulder woke up in the middle of a field, littered with plane wreckage, and crowded full of people. Looking around, he noticed Scully, also lying on the ground, just a few feet away. She looked unconscious. A strange man was attending to her, seemingly trying to wake her. "David? David, are you okay?" Another man was hovering over Mulder. He had blondish, grayish, curly hair that fell almost to his shoulders. The curly-haired man seemed to be talking to him, but Mulder couldn't figure out why he was calling him that name. He spoke slowly and deliberately, as if to a child. "Day-vid? Are you o-kay? It's Chris. Can you hear me?" "Chris?" Mulder mumbled. "Yes. I'm here. Are you o-kay, Day-vid?" "Who's David?" "What?" "Who's David?" "Oh shit." The curly-haired man turned and called out a name, summoning the man who had been attending to Scully. Now he spoke to them. "Get a doctor. David seems to be experiencing some kind of post- traumatic amnesia or something." Now Scully began to wake up and take in the scene. Cameras. There were television cameras off in the distance. "What are the cameras for?" she asked groggily, speaking to no one in particular. "What did you say?" The curly-haired man turned away from Mulder and went over to Scully. "Gillian? Can you hear me?" he asked in the same slow manner he had used with Mulder. "What are those cameras for?" she repeated. "Where am I? Wha- What happened?" "What do you mean, 'what are the cameras for?'" he asked, half paying attention to what he was saying. "Is anyone getting the paramedics?!" A man came running towards them frantically. "911 was busy," he informed the curly-haired man. Slowly, Mulder began to stand up, getting a little dizzy in the process. Looking around, he began to walk towards what appeared to be an alien. The curly-haired man followed a few feet behind him. "David? What are you doing? You shouldn't be walking," the curly- haired man called after him, standing helplessly and watching. Seeing what Mulder was walking towards, Scully got up as well and began to follow him. Mulder approached the alien, who stood completely still, watching Mulder as he approached it. After looking at it for a few seconds, Mulder slowly raised his hands to the alien's head and began to tug. The alien head came loose, revealing the head of a young girl. "Are you Air Force?!" Mulder screamed at the girl, only inches from her face. Her face began to take on a frightened, confused expression, and she took a step back. "What?" she asked, shakily. "Are you Air Force?!" he screamed again, louder. Coming up behind him, Scully placed her hand lightly on his shoulder. "Mulder, she's just a girl. They must have put her up to it." He turned to her in frustration. "Scully, where are we?! Who are these people?!" "David, Gillian," the curly-haired man began, approaching them. "You two should really lay down." He looked concerned. "Who the hell are David and Gillian?!" Scully yelled, whipping around to face the man. Now Mulder put his hand on her shoulder to comfort her. "It's okay, Scully." He turned the curly-haired man. "Look, we're with the FBI." Mulder said, removing the badge from his inside jacket pocket. "I'm Agent Mulder, this is Agent Scully. Now I don't know what happened here or who you think we are, but I'm sure if we all just sit down and talk about it we can work this out." The curly- haired man first looked stunned, and then began to laugh, slowly at first, then more heartily. "Oh, god. That was good. You really had me goin' there for a second..." "Excuse me- what's so funny?" Mulder asked. The curly-haired man suddenly stopped laughing and looked at Mulder, bewildered. "You mean... this isn't a joke?" "What isn't a joke?" "Sir," Scully broke in. "I'm afraid there's been some type of misunderstanding. Agent Mulder and I were just in a plane crash. From the wreckage I see here I assume that our plane crashed here. Now if you'll just tell us where exactly 'here' is, we can be on our way." "Look, David, Gillian- uh, Mulder and Scully- whatever," the curly- haired man started. "We were shooting a scene in a plane. Actually a set built to look like a plane. The two of you were on the set, when a piece of machinery malfunctioned and exploded. You were unconcious for about 5 minutes, and when you came to... well... here you are." "What exactly do you mean by 'scenes?'" Mulder asked. "You know- scenes? Like in a script? For the show? The X-Files?" "The X-Files?" asked Scully. "Are you saying that you shoot 'scenes' to put in the X-Files?" "Of course." "You little bastard!" Mulder yelled, shoving the curly-haired man down onto the ground. "So it's all fake then?! Is that what you're trying to tell me?!" "Of course!" the curly-haired man yelled, shielding himself from another blow with his arms. "It's only a television show!" "A television show?" Scully asked, confused. Mulder backed away from the man, who still sat on the ground. "What the hell is going on here?" he asked. The curly-haired man looked up at both of them with a stunned expression. "Look, I think I've got an idea of what's going on here. What d'ya say, the three of us go get something to eat?" ***************************************************** An hour later, the three found themselves at a crowded diner, talking about the situation over burgers and fries. "This hamburger is horrible," the curly-haired man commented. "Think it's been poisoned?" Mulder asked. "No, it's just bad." "Any chance it's made up of ground human flesh?" "No." "The real world's boring." "So," Scully began, "You say we're characters in a television show. Where exactly do you figure into this, Mr....?" "Call me Chris. I'm the executive producer. I created the show." "Ahh," Scully said, thinking. "So you could say that you're pretty much responsable for everything that we've gone through?" "Well, I don't write all the scripts." "Of course not. But if there was something in one of the scripts that you didn't like, you could change it, right?" Chris was slow to answer. "Yes." "So you're the one who's responsable for my love life." "*You're* love life?!" Mulder shouted. "What about *my* love life?! I mean, Phoebe-- well, let's not get into that. Every woman I'm interested in either runs off with some bug scientist or loses interest when the stars re-align! The only woman who *does* seem to be interested in me is probably working for Cancer Man!" "I thought you said you trusted Diana?" Scully asked. "The fans don't seem to like her. We're writing her out," Chris explained. He turned to Mulder. "That's why you're having doubts about her loyalty." Mulder glared at him. "I'm having 'doubts about her loyalty' because she's loyal to the wrong people." "Well, I haven't really decided about that yet. You see, originally she was meant to just make Scully jealous and be Spender's partner, but the fans began to hate her when she made Scully jealous, so we're thinking of making her a member of the syndacate, or we could always just have her get shot or something." Mulder turned to Scully. "You were jealous?" She looked away in slightly visable embarrassment. "A little," Chris answered for her matter-of-factly. "But it was never really clear if she was jealous of Diana working with you as a partner, or as, well, more than that." Now Mulder *and* Scully glared at him slightly. "Thanks for the, uh, 'insight.'" Mulder said coldly. Chris turned to Scully, oblivious to the glare she was giving him. "Oh, but don't worry, you've got nothing to be embarrassed about," he told her. "He still hasn't even told you what he did when you were abducted." "What do you mean?" Mulder asked, cautiously. "You didn't used to believe in vampires, did you?" Chris gave a knowing little smile. "Mulder?" Scully asked. "What's he talking about?" "I-uh..." Mulder glanced back and forth between her and Chris, obviously emabarrassed. "He went to California and slept with a vampire. Well, let me correct myself, she wasn't a vampire, but she had a few friends who were." "How did you know that?" Mulder asked in disbelief. Chris raised his hands in emphasis. "I *told* you. It's only a TV show! I produce it every week!" "I don't believe you," Mulder said defensively. "Actually," Scully said dazedly, staring off into the distance, "that would make a whole lot of sense." Both men turned and stared at her. "What?" they asked simultaneously. "No, really. That's why I'm always wrong. That's why all these paranormal phenomenon's are taking place. None of it's real! It's just a stupid television show!" She continued to stare off into the crowded room, looking just a little frazzled. "Scully, are you okay?" Mulder asked, just a wee bit concerned. "Never better," she replied, never breaking her dazed state. Then, finally, she turned to Chris, and asked, in the same tone of voice, "All I'm confused about is why we," she motioned to Mulder and herself, "haven't slept together yet. I mean, we're both single, this *is* a television show after all." Mulder's eyes almost popped out of his head. "Scully?" "What, Mulder? I mean, if he's telling the truth, it's only natural for the two main characters to sleep together in the second season. We've been working together for what, 6 years? Niether of us are involved in other relationships. What's the problem?" "He's gay," Chris answered simply. "What?!" Mulder screamed. Chris continued to talk to Scully. "He and Krycek have a little thing going on the side." Both Scully and Mulder stared at Chris, stunned. Then he burst out laughing. "C'mon! I'm just kidding around with you!" Again, Mulder stared at him coldly, then began to grow curious. "So why *haven't* we slept together?" "Oh, we're just trying to be different," Chris answered casually. "From the start we wanted this show to have a little more dignity. I wanted to prove that a show could be successful with two main characters of the opposite sex that weren't romantically involved." He paused. "And of course, there are lots of fans who want the two of you to get together, which is even more reason for you not to sleep together. I mean, if they got what they wanted, there wouldn't be that anticipation anymore." Mulder looked slightly embarrassed, but Scully seemed to be taking it all in stride. She had a little smile on her face and looked quite amused. Mulder turned to her. "Scully? Are you okay?" "Great Mulder." She continued to smile and stare off into space. "Hey!" Chris shouted, getting excited. "I've got an idea! You two wanna see something that'll really shock you?" Mulder looked weary. "What more is there?" ******************************************** "Okay, now go to 'internet search' and type in 'X-Files,'" Chris directed as Mulder sat at a desktop computer back at the television studio. "145,004 results?!" Mulder exclaimed in disbelief. "Yeah. Go ahead, pick one." Mulder clicked on a site at random. "Fan fiction?" Scully asked from her spot standing on the other side of Mulder. "Yeah, stories fans have written of what they want to happen on the show," Chris explained. "Do you ever use their ideas?" Scully asked. "Oh no, too many legal issues and things. I'm not really even supposed to read them, but I have read a few." Mulder began to read through the titles. "NC-17, Mulder/Krycek?" "Hey, like I said, it's just what the author wants to see." "What does 'MSR' stand for?" Mulder asked. "Mulder/Scully Relationship." "Hey Scully, look at all these NC-17 ones," Mulder said suggestively. She rolled her eyes. "Well," Chris began. "I've got things to do so I'm gonna leave you two here to enjoy yourselves." With that, he left the small room. Scully pulled a chair up next to Mulder's. He clicked on an NC-17 story. "Satisfying your curiosity?" Scully asked. "Don't tell me you're not curious?" She considered him for a moment. "Maybe just a little." They both turned back to the screen and began to read. ******************************************* Chris entered the room later that evening, a little frustrated from trying to explain to people what exactly had happened to David and Gillian. He had tried to explain what he assumed was the truth: David and Gillian had been knocked unconcious in an accident on the set, and now thought they were Mulder and Scully. How this happened he had no idea, but they'd probably need to see a doctor. Entering the room, he noticed something strange: Gillian and David, Mulder and Scully, whoever they were, were gone. Heading towards the computer where he had left them, he looked around cautiosly. As he approached the computer, he noticed something under the desk that it sat on... a sock. A gray men's dress-sock to be exact. He knelt down and picked up the sock, examining it carefully, but as he looked at it, something else caught his eye: a pair of nylons a few feet away. As he stood slowly, he noticed a trail of clothing leading around a table in the middle of the room, ending just before the broom closet doorway. Slowly, he approached the doorway, and as he did so, he began to hear faint sounds of... moaning? Reaching the door, he knowcked softly and the sounds coming from within stopped. "Dav- I mean, Mulder? Scully?" he asked cautiously, afraid of the answer. There were a few moments of silence, and then a small, questioning, "Yeah?" It was David's voice. Chris was slow to reply. "Wh- What's goin' on in there?" he asked, not really wanting to know. There were another few moments of silence, and then the door openned slowly. There stood David/Mulder and Gillian/Scully, covering themselves with sheets that had been stored in the closet. "What are you DOING?!" Chris yelled, eyes wide. "What's wrong?" Mulder asked non-chalantly. Scully looked embarrassed. "What's wrong?!" Chris repeated. "What's wrong?! I'll tell you what's wrong! You're married!" He turned to Scully. "You've got a daughter to think about!" He turned away, took a few steps, then turned back, all the while waving his hands in the air psychotically. "And what about me?! Did you even think about me?! What am I gonna tell the press if this gets out, huh?! What am I gonna tell them?!" Mulder remained calm, stepping out of the closet, holding his sheet around his waist with one hand. "Hey, hey, just calm down. It'll be okay. Now what's this about being married?" "You're married! You've got a wife! Tea Leoni! She's an actress! She's pregnant for God's sake!" "No, hey, *I* don't have a wife. This guy, the guy you thought I was before, *he* has a wife. I'm not him." Chris wasn't satisfied with this answer. "Look, I don't care who you *think* you are, but that's *his* body, whether you're him or not." Mulder was confused. "What?" "Okay, look, this is what I think happened. You are David Duchovny, an actor who plays Fox Mulder on the television show The X-Files, which we talked about before. You," he turned to Scully, "are Gillian Anderson, also an actor. I think," he paused to think, "I think that the two of you were knocked unconcious in an accident and now, for some reason, *think* that you are Mulder and Scully, the characters you play. Now, being that you are actually David and Gillian, and that they would NEVER do anything like... this, I don't think that you have the right to use their bodies like... this." Mulder was quick to reply. "But if we are really David and Gillian, as you claim we are, then why wouldn't we have the right to use our own bodies any way we wanted to?" Chris stood silent, obviously irritated. "Because you're married, you have a kid, and I'm having a nervous break-down, that's why!" Scully, somewhat embarrassed, took a step out of the closet, beginning to pick her clothes up off the floor. "Why don't we get dressed and talk about this a little later," she suggested calmly. "Fine. Do whatever you want. I'll be in my office down the hall. Come get me when you're ready to *talk*." With that, Chris left the room, slamming the door behind him. ****************************************** Mulder and Scully entered the "office" (really a medium sized room, walls covered in photos and surfing paraphenelia, with a long picnic- table-like table in the center) quietly, and sat down opposite Chris at the table cautiously. As they sat Chris looked up. "I was just thinking," Chris began, "if you really do think you're Mulder and Scully, you would naturally do whatever Mulder and Scully would do." Mulder nodded. "But..." He searched for words. "But if you would do whatever Mulder and Scully would do, why do... well, each other?" "You don't think that this is how we would react in a situation like this?" Mulder asked. "No, actually. I don't." "How would you know? We've never been in a situation like this before." "How would I know? How would *I* know? Because I-- I *created* you!" "Yeah, but you don't get to decide who or what we do or don't do anymore. Maybe we've just truly been unleashed." Chris stared at him blankly. Mulder had a smug little smirk on his face. He was really enjoying this. "But I still don't understand," Chris went on. "I mean, you still have all of Mulder and Scullys' memories, all their insecurities, all their fears..." Scully, who had been silent the entire time, finally spoke up. "You want me to just explain what happened?" "Please do." She paused for a moment, and then began. "Well, when you left us, we started reading a story. It turned out to be a very... detailed story. Anyway, we started thinking about *it*, and, well, basically thought, 'Niether of us have gotten any" -upon hearing Scully use this term, both Chris and Mulder got suprised looks on their faces- "in years, and if what you're saying is true, we're not even real, so whatever we do doesn't even matter and we might as well have a little fun, so we did... *it*." The room was silent. "In the broom closet," she added. After a few awkward moments, Mulder and Scully sat comfortably back in their chairs as Chris eyed them, still in somewhat of a state of shock. "So what do we do now?" Chris asked after much thought and consideration. "Well," Mulder began, "what exactly was it that made... *this* happen? Maybe if we can recreate the scenario then we can reverse it." "No, it's to risky." Chris put his elbows on the table and held his face in his hands in defeat. "We're never gonna be done in time!" "Done with what?" Scully asked. "I've told you! I produce a television show. We were already behind schedule when this whole mess happened, and now I'm not sure we're ever gonna finish this episode, let alone the season if you two don't turn back into David and Gillian!" "Why would you want them back for the show?" Mulder asked. "I mean, we could do it without even acting. We *are* Mulder and Scully." Chris let this sink in for a moment and then, suddenly, his eyes lit up with excitement. "You're right! I mean, you'll have to stick to the script storyline, but the two of you know what you'd say better than any writer! You wouldn't even have to memorize anything, we'll just put you in situations and you can react however you want! This is great! This is fantastic! This is... this is... this is superfluous!" "Superfluous?" Scully asked. "Superfluous!" Chris replied. ******************************************* At 5:00 pm, they were back on the set. Mulder and Scully sat, having their hair and make-up done as preperations were being made for filming to begin. Soon, everything was set, and the two agents stood awaiting directions. "Okay," Chris said, approaching them. "Now I want the two of you to pretend that you've just arrived in Eugene, Oregon. This is the hotel room that you're staying in. You have to stay in the same motel room because... uh..." He yelled to someone a few feet away, "Why do they have to share a motel room?" The man got a confused look. "You said you wanted to tease the fans a little. I thought you wanted them to share a room. If you changed your mind, that's fine, though, I mean we can always cut out this scene-" Chris cut the man off, slightly frustrated. "No, it's good. I meant what is the reason in the script that they have to share a room? I forget." "Oh." The man thought for a moment, then grabbed a script and began to flip through it. "Oh yeah, here it is. The manager told them there was a big football game and all the rooms were booked." Chris turned back to Mulder and Scully. "Okay. You have to share a room because all the others are booked for a college football game. Mulder- you sleep on the couch, Scully gets the bed. I don't want to see anything like I saw earlier today. Not on camera. Oh, and Mulder, in case you don't remember, you're excited about possibly finding your sister. We're just leaving off where we stopped shooting before-- when the, uh... thing happened. You got that?" Mulder and Scully nodded. They each went to their places on the bed and couch and sat, waiting for further directions. The lights came up, and they could hear Chris yell "Action!" Mulder and Scully continued to sit silently in their places, not sure what to do. Finally, Mulder decided he should say something. "So... Scully... That's a pretty big bed for just one person..." "Cut!" yelled Chris, speed-walking over to Mulder. "I thought I said *nothing* like earlier today." Mulder played innocent. "I was simply making an observation. Hey, I thought you wanted me to act like myself?" "Act like yourself with restraint!" He walked back over to where he had come from. "Action!" he yelled again. Once again, Mulder and Scully sat silent. Scully spoke first this time. "Mulder, you don't really hope to find your sister?" "Yeah, I do," he replied with little emotion. "Cut!" Chris approached them once again. "What was that?" he asked Mulder. "I thought you were passionate about this?" "Well I was until I looked ahead in the script and found out that she's just another clone!" Chris let out a long sigh. "That's why it's called *acting*! Can't you just *pretend* you never saw the script?" "I'll try." Chris returned to his place and once again called out: "Action!" "Mulder, you don't really hope to find your sister here?" Scully asked once again. Mulder was passionate this time. A little too passionate. "Yes, Scully! I do! Samantha Chang is my sister! I don't care what you or anyone else says! She's not another clone! She's not a foreign exchange student! She's my sister!" Scully stared at him blankly. "A foreign exchange student?" she asked, letting out a little chuckle. Mulder began to laugh as well. "Well, she is a student, and she was abducted by aliens. Illegal aliens are foreigners. Ah, forget it. She's a clone." Scully was silent, expecting Chris to yell cut once more. Instead, there was silence, so she decided to fill it. "How can you be so sure?" "I looked ahead in the script." Scully attempted to cover for him. "Script?" "Yeah," he answered simply. "This is a television show. I looked ahead in the script. She's just another clone. Whatd'ya say we have some fun tomorrow. There's no point in pursueing a dead-end case now is there?" "But I *told* you it was a dead-end case before and you got mad at me." "Yeah, well, that was before I got ahold of the script." He paused. "Hey, why don't we have some fun right now? That's an awfully big bed for just one person." Again, Scully waited for Chris to yell cut, and again there was only silence. She decided to test just how far he was willing to let them go. "Oh, I could always use some company." "Cut!" Mulder and Scully sat smiling as all of the crew members burst out laughing. Finally, Chris turned to his co-workers. "Alright, I don't care what FOX says, we're showing a rerun." He then walked over to Mulder and Scully, a tired look on his face. "Look," he began, "I can't afford to babysit you two all day. I'm not your agent. I've got real work to do." He pulled out his car keys and a wad of cash. "Why don't you go get something to eat and get a motel room for the night." He caught himself. "Make that *two* motel rooms. I'll try and get ahold of your families and make up something." With that, he handed the money and the keys to Mulder and the two agents left the set. ******************************************* After driving around aimlessly for a little over an hour looking for someplace to eat, Mulder and Scully had finally stopped at a little diner which, despite the 15 minute wait, seemed to be the least busy restaraunt around. They were in the process of waiting to be seated when Mulder noticed a suspiscious-looking man wearing all black slip out the back door of the diner into a little alley-way. "Hey Scully, I'll be right back." Following the path the man had taken, Mulder realized he didn't have a gun. "Shit!" he swore alloud, but continued in pursiuit. He reached the back alley and spotted the man he had been following, taking a leak next to the dumpster. Not hesitating to let the man zip up his pants, Mulder came up behind him and shoved him against the wall. "What the-" the man muttered. "Who are you?!" Mulder shouted. "Why are you following me?!" "What?! Why do you think I'm following you?!" "I saw you get out of your car outside! It was parked behind mine! Don't think I don't know why you dress like that! So that if I try to describe you to anyone they'll think I'm crazy! Just like when I saw Alex Trebeck and Jesse Ventura!" "WHAT?!" The man seemed confused, but Mulder new it was just a ploy to make him *think* he was innocent. "Who are you?!" "Hey look, buddy," the man said, putting his hands on his head, still facing the wall. "I- I've got money. I'll give you whatever you want, just don't hurt me. I've got a family!" "You know what I want," Mulder breathed harshly. "I want the Truth." "What are you talking about? Look, buddy, you've got the wrong guy! I don't know who you think I am, but I swear I didn't do anything! I don't even know who you are! You gotta believe me!" "Believe the lie, right? That's what you're trying to feed me, isn't it? More lies?" Mulder had a firm grip on the man's shoulders now, and was getting ready to beat the Truth out of him. "Please! I swear I have no idea what you're talking about!" "Oh yeah?" Mulder asked through clenched teeth. "Well if you're so innocent, why won't you admit that you're not?" "That I'm not innocent?" the man asked, bewildered. "Not innocent of what?" "Why don't you tell me?" "What?" Mulder was becoming increasingly irritated with the man's obviously faked ignorance. "Who are you working for?!" he screamed in the man's ear. "What do you mean?" the man whimpered. "Who are you?! Who do you work for?!" The man paused. "M- my name's Bob. I'm an accountant for the Internal Revenue Service." "You son of a-" Mulder turned the man around to face him violently. "You're the man behind it aren't you?" The man just stared at him, bewildered. "Aren't you?!" The man had a confused look on his face. "You're.... You look just like... Are you....?" The man was mumbling now, confusion adding to his fear. "Look," Mulder began furosciously, "I'm gonna kill you either way, Bob, so might as well just tell me. Are you the one responsible?" "For what?!" "My audit last year!" Scully emerged from the restaraunt suddenly and rushed to Mulder's side, placing her hand gently his my shoulder. "Calm down, Mulder, what happened?" "This man's behind it all!" She looked confused. Mulder turned towards her, his attention destracted from Bob for a moment. "Scully, do you remember when I got auditted by the IRS last year?" She was cautious in her reply. "Yes." "Do you really think it was just coincidence that *I* of all people should get auditted? I mean, think about it. There are I don't know how many millions of people in this country, is it just coincidence that the one man closest to the Truth just happened to get an audit?" Scully was frustrated by his lack of logic, as always, but she decided not to get into it. "Mulder, what does that have to do with this man?" "He was following us earlier, in the car. He's an IRS accountant." Mulder glared at the man. Scully looked at him, concerned. "Mulder, we're in the real world now. Just because he works for the IRS, he's wearing black, and he happened to park behind us, that doesn't mean that he's involved in a conspiracy to arrest you for tax fraud." Now Mulder glared at Scully. "Oh, and how would you know? What makes you such an authority on 'the real world?'" "Mulder, you may be right 99.9% of the time in your world, but this is my world now. This is a world governed by actual science and rational thought." Bob looked at the two agents, dumbfounded. "Um, excuse me, can I get your autographs?" Mulder glared at him. Well, actually, it was just one, continuous glare, but now he directed it back at Bob. "Why? So you can copy my handwriting and forge my signature on a confession? Is that what you're planning?" "No," Bob whimpered, still utterly confused but starstruck at the same time, "It's for my kids. They love your show." Mulder continued to glare, considering the man's last words. Finally Scully stepped forward. "Look, mr....?" "Bob." "Look, Bob, why don't you go wherever it is you were going, we won't bother you anymore." Bob looked around as if he were in a daze and headed off down the alley. "Mulder, you need some sleep. Let's go find a motel room, we can order room service." ******************************************************** David Duchovny arose the next morning to streams of sunlight filtering through the partially openned curtains. *Where am I* he thought as he sat up in the bed and stretched. It looked like a nice motel room, but what was he doing here? The last thing he remembered was an explosion on the set, he had no idea how he had gotten here from there. Then, looking around slowly, he noticed something. First of all, he was naked, with nothing but a sheet saying over him. Second of all, there was someone laying in the bed next to him, and it was not his wife. His heart beat began to speed up as he slowly lifted the sheet back to reveal the face of the person who lay next to him. It was Gillian. "Fuck!" he whispered harshly, not wanting to wake her for fear of even more confusion. He looked around the room, panicked, for something- anything that might give some clue as to what the hell was going on here. He retrieved one of the blankets from the floor to wrap around his midsection as he went to the door and openned it just a crack. There was a newspaper lying on the floor just outside the room. He openned the door a little further and grabbed the paper before retreating back away from the door to sit down on a chair and openned the paper. At the top, above the headlines, there was a small picture of he and Gillian at a promo shoot. The caption read: "Entertainment: X-Files stars harass man outside L.A. restaraunt. See page D-1" David quickly flipped to the page listed and stared in awe at the front page of the entertainment section. In bold letters, the top headline read: "X-Files stars harass man at local L.A restaraunt, then check into motel room-- together" THE END hehehe... FEEDBACK OR ELSE! Send feedback to conspiracy13@hotmail.com