From: ExPhila Date: 6 Apr 1999 14:51:29 GMT Subject: All at once By Exphila (1/1) Title: All at once Author: Exphila Rating: PG for language Classification: SRA Keywords: Angst-O-Rama, ScullyPOV Spoilers: Memento Mori Summary: Tell me that there's somewhere left for me- Disclaimers: They're not mine, they're Chris Carter's, 1013's, and Fox's. Yeah, I know I really have no right, well, killing them, but I take no responsibility for their creation, and I refuse all publishing sugesstions I may receive, so, Couldn't I borrow them for a while? I promise to return them all brandy new. Notes: This has got to be the shortest thing I've ever written! This story kind of happened by accident, but I was inspired for it when I accidently heard the chorus to Bonne Raits " All at once." I know the cancer thing has all been done to death, and that some people are so sick of it they're not even reading this, but I'd like to have a go. This fanfic is saying that redux never happens, and that the end of memento mori is changed, so keep that in mind. I thrive on feedback; Exphila@aol.com All at once I hear your voice, And time just slips away- Nothing they could say can hold me here. Take me where I'll only feel The wind across my face- Let me know theres someplace left for me, Waiting there for me- - Bonne Rait All at once By Exphila I stare at the white brightness, its green imprint standing out perfectly. I am staring at fate, my fate. A proverbial game of scissors, paper, rock, and I'm the paper. Then all at once I hear your voice, and my worries go away. My handsome rock. I wish you could smash the scissors on the MRI that are cutting up my life. I wish you could go to the closet and scare away the boogeyman, I wish you could save me. You hand me flowers, crack a joke, but I can see the worry in yur eyes. Your fear ignites as I tell you the news, but its not half as bad as mine. All I can think of is that I'm going to die. I try to stay optimistic but in my heart I know I'm bullshitting myself. No chance, Zero tolerance, nothing. Death. You hug me and we turn to leave. I can see you stare at my face, and quickly rub beneath your nose. I touch beneath mine and find a daub of red on my finger. Another horrific reminder of whats to come. Then all at once I hear your voice, It asks if I'm ok. I say I'm fine, but I'm lying. If I didn't have this stupid pride in me I would fall into your arms and confess everything inside, if only to get it out of my head. And I will probably die without telling you what I think, but I can't help it. Why me? Why did this have to come and destroy my existance? Why? I hold her hand. She tells me to live. I will if I can peggy. I see her as mysef, In a year or so. Thin and emaciated, My hair brittle and falling out, my smart and logical mind invaded by an unwanted visitor turning my body against itself. Then all at once I hear your voice, trying to understand my pain. I feel your hand on my shoulder and I stand and collapse into your shirt. You hold me tight as the tears soak into your t-shirt. You ask me what I want to do, so I tell you, not what you want to hear, but my last wish for happiness. Take me where I only feel the wind across my face, cause nothing they can say will hold me here Mulder. Take me to a paradise very far away, because I want to drive reality away. Take me to an amusement park and we can ride the rollercoaster, take me to a mountain and make a snowman. I want to be with you the day I die. I want to be sitting on a beautiful beach at sunrise holding your hand, I don't want to be in a hospital bed with horrible chemicals and radiation running through me. Please do that. I get up while its dark and take off my pajamas. I stare a minute at the bony figure in the mirror. Cheekbones sunken, my eyes embedded in dark circles, My hips poking out like legs on a chicken. I pull a black skirt and a red shirt over it and I put a black blazer over all and write a note in the best handwriting I can muster. Then I leave. I walk down the beach, letting the sand sink in between my toes like I used to do when I was little. I stand on the shoreline and let the surf wash over my ankles. I remember a story about how when your footprints wash off one shore they wash onto another. I feel your hand warm on my shoulder and I turn around. We travel up the beach and Sit down. You spoon me and I sink into your arms. We don't talk, all words to say are unspoken, they don't need to be. You hug me as I softly feel your breath against my face, I close my eyes, I'm so tired. Then all at once I hear your voice, as I slowly slip away. " I love you Scully." I'm going to the place I dreamed, the sun shines every day. The trees are green, the sand is soft, I am heathly once again. And you are there, you kiss my lips, And then we walk away. Finis. All feedback to Exphila@aol.com