Title : Almost Doesn't Count
Author : Brit*Vik
Date : 25/2/99
Category : UST, ScullyAngst, post-One Son
Rating : U?
Archive : Everything attached, let me know, but yes please.
Feedback : Absolutely.
Email :   HYPERLINK mailto:victoria.farrell@hulme-grammar.oldham.sch.uk
victoria.farrell@hulme-grammar.oldham.sch.uk
   HYPERLINK mailto:believe_the_lie@lycosmail.com
believe_the_lie@lycosmail.com
Spoilers : Through One Son, but I haven't seen any of Season 6.
Disclaimer : Not mine, but my brithday's in August if anybody's offering.
Author's notes : Companion piece to "Everything I do"
"ALMOST DOESN'T COUNT"
oh god it hurts so much i love him what can i do i need him he loves her he'
s leaving me oh god help me i cant live he wants her oh shit its my
faulthelpmeimsorryilovehimilovehimimsorry
Calm down, Dana. Breathe.
You could see this coming. You tried not to let it hurt. He distanced
himself and you let him. He went to her and you couldn't stop him. You even
helped him. And now you've gone insane and started talking to yourself. Stop
now.
Scully obeyed the voice and began thinking in coherent, first person
sentences once again. Her breathing and pulse rates were back to normal and
her pupils were no longer dilated.
I love him. I accept this as a fact just as I know that the earth hoes
around the sun and that gravity holds everything down, binding everything to
the earth with an invisible bond that is strong nonetheless. That I love
Mulder is as natural and necessary to me as gravity and the rotation of
earth around the sun. Once I would have said that this thing that was so
natural and necessary to me was that Mulder and I love each other. Once. I
could almost say that now.
I don't know when it all started. About six years ago when I walked into
that hellhole of an office and fell in love. Hard. I'm still falling and the
bruises are getting more painful every second of every minute of every day.
Did he ever love me? He said he did, more in actions than in actual words,
but he did say it once and only once, and I stuffed up  I wasn't expecting
it and I thought he was under the influence of the drugs, which is true.
Since then he hasn't mentioned it again and even the little gestures are
waning.
I thought he was mine  well, not mine exactly. He was promised to me. We
belonged to each other. All we had was the anticipation. And it was almost
enough.
Since I've known him, he's changed. Recently, he'd become very angry, but
that was understandable after everything he'd learnt about his family, his
sister and most importantly, himself. I thought I knew everything that he
knew about himself. Until I learnt about her.
He'd loved her once. Maybe he loves her still. I wouldn't know anymore  he'
s been keeping me at arm's length, but I can tell. I feel it deep within my
gut. It's more than pain, it's alive. Something was born so long ago in that
office when I saw their eyes meet. It was so tangible. I heard myself
screaming but no-one turned to look. No-one even flinched. Except for me. A
tremor passed through my body and gave birth to a kicking, screaming ball of
hate, fear and anger and so many more emotions that I couldn't name. They
all fell under one category  her. Diana.
For a while, I thought I had him back I could almost feel him coming back to
me, feel his hands in mine again, his touch on my body.
When I found the evidence against her, I thought I was imagining things,
making connections where there were none. But soon it could not be denied,
not to me, at least. I told Mulder, and he was supposed to believe me. He
was supposed to trust me. Not to react the way he did, shouting at me,
telling me that he knew her, he trusted her. I ran from the room, ran as far
as I could. I locked myself in the car as a fortress against the world 
against them. I was reminded of a time not so long ago when I'd run from
images of them and locked myself in my car. That time I was composed, but
now I couldn't help it. I had lost him. I cried for what would never be, the
revocation of a promise made before the sands of time began to flow, a
promise written in the stars. My tears burned my cheeks like acid.
Nothing made sense any more, now that Mulder didn't love me. I'd almost had
him. He'd almost been mine.
I'm in my car again. I don't remember leaving my apartment or getting into
my car and I'm scared to find that I'm sitting outside of Mulder's building.
I have absolutely no recollection of how I got here. I try to remember, but
the only images that flood into my mind are of the last six years, not the
last six hours. I remember his touch on my hand, the strength of his
shoulder, used equally often and skilfully for aiming at a suspect or as a
pillow for my sleeping head. He woke me innumerable times by gently tracing
his fingers along the line of my face. I feel him again now, but am not
comforted by my own hands as I brush my tears away.
There was the time in hospital when I was dying and Mulder was on the verge
of a murder conviction. It was possibly the last  time we were ever going to
see each other and we held hands and he kissed me. He kissed me.
I've almost lost him now. Almost.
Almost.
A realisation hits me violently in the face. Almost doesn't count. I can
accept my fate or I can fight for my Mulder, my destiny. I have to decide
which set of almosts to pursue  what I almost had or what I've almost lost.
I lean on the oaken doorframe and try to calm my breathing while I collect
my thoughts and decide which course to pursue  Mulder's possible happiness,
or our true happiness, the purest happiness we will ever know. It doesn't
take me long to make up my mind and as I straighten up I realise that I'd
been leaning against an oaken doorframe. I guess I'd decided subconsciously
what I was going to do before I admitted it to myself, because I'm standing
outside Mulder's front door, the "2" hanging slightly off centre, as usual.
I don't know if I've already knocked, but I must have because I hear
footsteps approach from inside the apartment. And then Mulder opens his
door.

FIN
"If the eyes had no tears, the soul would have no rainbow."

You can deny yourself the truth, however you can never deny yourself the
x-files.