From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 22 Apr 2001 19:47:41 -0000
Subject: Always Disappointed by serious shipper
Source: direct

Reply To: seriousshipper@hotmail.com


Serious Shipper
Always Disappointed
Rated: pg-13
Spoilers: up to Three Words
Disclaimer: not mine
Feedback: LOVE IT!!! Seriousshipper@hotmail.com


     Isn't it funny how we imagine things in our minds?  We 
envision things grandly.  Elaborate and perfect and if we are 
good at it, we can even feel the emotions we would at that very
 moment.  That is until it actually happens, and somehow we are
 always disappointed.

     I walk to Mulder's apartment and knock on the door.  This
 time I've braced myself, I think,

     "Scully, what's up?" his face is expressionless.  He is 
neither pleased to see me or annoyed by it.  I actually consider
 that a plus at this point.  
     
     'Hi," I say sounding ridiculously childish. I think I motion
 my hand a bit, pretty much inviting myself in.  He steps aside 
while running a hand through his hair.  I know from experience 
it's a sign of stress, he does it quite a bit. 
     
     "Can I help you with something?" for some reason this angers
me.  I'm the one who came here with a cool head, expecting him to 
lash out at me.  Now I feel only anger.  

     "I heard somewhere once that anger doesn't really exist, 
it's actually just intensified hurt and pain," I didn't mean to 
speak that aloud, but for reasons unknown to me I couldn't stop 
myself.  He signs, and doesn't really act surprised by my words, 
it irritates me.  So I continue, "I know how you've organized 
things in your head Mulder," now he looks surprised, I have 
his attention.  "You help me get pregnant, then you get 
abducted.  I bury you alive and get a new partner, and you 
come back and feel discarded and unnecessary." Now it is 
his turn to surprise me.  His head falls to his chest, and 
he nods almost imperceptibly.  He sinks down onto his 
couch awaiting my next words.  I don't say anything though.  
After a long silence he speaks while still staring at 
his hands.

     "How is that wrong Scully? That IS what happened," I laugh 
darkly.  It's true, but that's not all there is to it.  

     "Is it?" I asked.  "Damn it Mulder, what about everything 
in between?  What about the nights I spent here?  The nights I 
spent wondering how this baby and I would get through the rest 
of our lives alone.  My months of searching then grieving.  What 
about that Mulder?" I think I have him with this.  He looks up 
at me with tears in his eyes.  I take two steps towards him 
before his next words stop me cold.  
     
     "You did it alone, Scully.  You would have went on with 
your life, and no, you don't need me.  You have all you want," 
He speaks quietly but in a venomous tone.  

     "You basterd.  All I wanted was you back.  At first I 
didn't know how you would fit in with the baby, I didn't know 
how far you wanted to go.  In the end, I only wanted you 
here...so we could do this together,".  I have nothing left 
to offer so I take off towards the door as fast as a women in 
her last trimester can manage.  My hand on the door and I still 
here nothing.  I leave and don't look back.  I'm crying now, 
for once I don't find it so offensive.  This is unfair; this 
isn't how things were supposed to be.  

     I'm in my car with the key in the ignition, when I hear a 
loud rap on the window.  His expressionless mask is now replaced.  
His features are filled with sorrow and pain.  He is walking 
around the car as I unlock the door.  He gets in, and stares 
right at me while he gathers his thoughts. This is something 
new to me; he is never so direct.  I brace myself once again.

     "Scully, sometimes I feel there is nothing keeping us 
together.  We're not family, not married, not even lovers.  
There are a million things that could pull us in different 
directions.  It makes me paranoid,".  I chuckle through my 
tears at his choice of words. He smiles, but it is a sad one. 
I take a deep breath. 

     "What we have is better than all those things.  It's deeper, 
even more binding.  No matter what we will ever be to each other.  
I can't separate myself from you.  Maybe even more than that 
Mulder, I wouldn't ever want to,".  

     "Oh God," are the only words that escape him.  Tears are 
streaming down his face.  I need to stay composed; there is 
more to say.

     "I asked you to father my child because you are my best 
friend.  You're everything and I could never ask anyone else.  
I didn't expect anything from you, I still don't.  Things 
have changed though, Mulder. All things happen for a reason.  
Maybe this was to make me realize I've make a mistake," I hear 
him take in a sharp breath and realize I have to finish quickly 
before he imaginative mind takes off with my cryptic words.  
"I want you to be the father, I want you in our child's life. 
That is if that's what you want,".  I hold my breath and before 
I know it he is crushed against me.  He is hugging me so tightly, 
but it feels wonderful.  

     "More than anything, Scully.  I'd like that more than 
anything." He says in between soft sobs.  Suddenly he pulls 
away and studies my face, 'What about us, Scully?" his eyes 
are searching mine for answers. I smile, so happy to finally 
see all I need in his eyes, once again.

     "Doing things backwards wouldn't be that unusual for us 
Mulder," he smiles the most beautiful smile that I have dreamed 
about for what seems live forever. He nods, understanding me.  
He softly kisses my hand while never breaking our eye contact.  

     "Good night Scully," he tells me, while tucking a stray 
piece of hair behind my ear.  

     "Good night Mulder," I tell him and he is gone.  I smile 
as I watch him walk inside.  

     Halfway home my cell phone rings.  I see it's his number 
and I answer.

     "Hey Scully, you busy Friday night?" I smile into the 
receiver, forgetting I was ever disappointed.      

THE END!!!!! Hope you liked it!!!