Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 11:55:18 +0100
Subject: REV: ALWAYS IS NOT ENOUGH (MSR)

Title: "Always is Not Enough"
Author: Annette Gisby
Email:annette.gisby@which.net
Classification: Vignette
Rating: R, language, adult themes, violence
Keywords: Mulder/Scully major angst
Archive: anywhere

Summary: Mulder does some thinking on his relationship with Scully

Always Is Not Enough (1/1)

I can tell how much I've hurt her by the fact that she's crying in
front of me. She hates to cry in front of me. She sees it as a
weakness, one she thinks she shouldn't have. I go back through the
adjoining door to my own room.

I can feel her eyes on my back the whole time. She calls me names.
Names I deserve but words which I never thought to hear issuing forth
from those perfect lips.

Lips I had kissed less than an hour ago.

I lie down on the uncomfortable motel bed, but I don't sleep. Neither
does she. I can hear her sobs through the walls. The walls in these
places are always too thin. I leave the door unlocked, but I know she
won't come in.

Not now. Not after what I've done. She won't come even if I have a
nightmare.

But I don't sleep and the real nightmare is on the other side of the
door.

When daylight finally comes, I head to the hotel restaurant for
breakfast, but really hoping to see her. She isn't there and I leave
without eating. I wonder if she has had breakfast already or has
decided to forgo breakfast so that she won't have to face me.

I knock on her door, but there is no reply, so I pack my bags and
check out.

She is already in the car, sitting in the passenger seat, her hands
folded in her lap.

"Morning," I say as I climb in. She doesn't answer. She stares
straight ahead, refusing to look at me. She's wearing a blue chunky
sweater and a pair of jeans. I have never seen her in anything as
casual as jeans and it makes her look even more sexy, as if that were
possible. Don't go there, I remind myself. This is what got you into
trouble in the first place.

We drive for hours in silence. It's uncomfortable, but it doesn't seem
to bother her. She takes an emery board out of her bag and proceeds to
file her already perfect nails. The noise grates on my frayed nerves.

"Do you have to do that?" I snap at her. Silently, she puts it back in
her bag and folds her hands again. Is this how it's going to be from
now on?

"Are you ever going to talk to me again?" I ask in desperation. She's
made me desperate, and I hated her for it. There is no reply, but she
turns to me and gives me one of her glares. Progress.

I pull the car over to the side of the road. There are cornfields
either side of us, the golden stalks swaying a little in the wind.

I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

"Why did you stop?" At least she was talking now.

"We have to talk."

"About the case?"

"No. About us."

"There is no 'us'. You made that perfectly clear last night. As I
recall, it was 'just sex'."

She used my words as weapons against me, and I was wounded.

"So was I a good fuck?" she asked me. I recoiled. I had never heard
that word from her mouth. It was wrong, distorted somehow.

"What's wrong, Mulder? Does the truth hurt? That's what last night
was, wasn't it? A good old fashioned fu--"

I slap her hard across the cheek before she could finish. She
stares at me in shocked surprise, her hand going to her cheek.

"You hit me!" It sounds as though she doesn't quite believe it. I
could see the imprint of my hand across her face. It is as though I've
branded her.

'You belong to me'.

My hands are shaking. I've never struck a woman before,
never mind one so much smaller than me. I have been so determined
not to turn into my father.

"Scully, I'm sorry," I say in a tight small voice. But it isn't good
enough.

"Sorry? Is that all you can say? After what you've just done? I should
report you for this!"

"Yes! And while you're at why don't you shoot me again!" I break down
in sobs and lean my head against the steering wheel. I feel my
shoulders shaking.

I feel hands on my neck, stroking, soothing. Why is she doing this to
me? Doesn't she know what she does?

"Mulder," she says quietly. "What's happened to us?" There is a catch
in her voice and I know she's not far off from crying herself.

"What do you mean?" I mumble to the dashboard.

"We used to be such friends. When did it all go wrong?"

"You tell me. You're the one who's been acting crazy lately. Going off
on your own, complaining about a desk. Sleeping with someone you've
only just met."

"I did not sleep with him!" She said indignantly. Her hands stopped
their soothing ministrations. "How may more times are you going to
throw that back in my face?" I hear the leather creak as she moves
back to her side of the car.

"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I was just - jealous - when I
thought that you had -" Now I *was* in trouble.

"Why were you jealous?"

"Because - because - I'm in love with you."

"Then why didn't you say anything last night?!" she almost screamed at
me. "I bared my soul to you and you just lay there and ignored me!"

"Because I'm scared. Scared of losing you again. When THEY took you
away, I was a wreck. I don't think I could cope with that again. I
thought it would be easier to pretend I didn't have any feelings for
you. But I was wrong. It's hard, Scully."

I glance across at her and what I see makes my heart sink into my
shoes. Her nose is bleeding again. Great red blobs which stain her
sweater crimson. I know something is wrong, but she hasn't told me
yet. Do I really want to know?

She holds a handkerchief to her nose and looks away from me.

"You're right, Mulder. You shouldn't love me. I'm going to leave you
again."

"I don't understand." But she loves me. She told me last night. Why
would she leave me?

"What's wrong, Dana, what is it?" I don't want to pressure her, but I
need to know. Need to know what she's been hiding from me, what she's
been hiding from herself.

"Whatever they did to me during my abduction is coming back to haunt
me. I don't know how to tell you this. Mulder - Fox - I'm - I'm dying.
They've given me cancer."

Cancer. The word hung in the air between us. The plague of the
twentieth century.

"But, these days, can't it be cured?"

"Not this one. I'm so sorry. I should have told you sooner."

"Don't. Don't apologise for what they did to you." I was the one at
fault. If she'd never met me, if she'd never helped me on my quest,
she wouldn't be dying now. Was it too much to ask that we be happy?
Hadn't we endured enough?

"It doesn't change how I feel about you, Scully. I still love you.
Maybe there isn't a cure yet, but there might be one day. You mustn't
give up hope."

"I wasn't going to, I love you so much, Mulder. I don't think I could
go through this alone."

"You won't have to." I hug her fiercely, feeling her heart beating
rapidly against my chest. "I love you, Scully. Always."

"Always is a long time, Mulder," she whispers against my chest. I put
my finger under her chin and tilt her head towards me. As I lean in
for a kiss, one thought plagues me.

No matter how long always is, it will never be long enough.

Always is not long enough for us.

THE END