From: "momento mori" Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1998 21:37:59 PDT Subject: "Ambivalence II" (1/2) Title: "Ambivalence II" (1/2) Author: tyger1013 Classification: SA Rating: R (with one short and clearly marked NC-17 scene) Spoilers: None Keywords: Mulder/Scully UST, rape Summary: Continuation of "Ambivalence I"; Mulder struggles to recover. Archive: Yes, just please let me know before you post it somewhere. Thanks to Ashlea and Darkstryder for all their suggestions, and I discovered Pellinor's Deep Background site, which is very helpful. Disclaimer: The Mulders and Scullys belong to Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen Productions. Used without permission; I will never make a cent off of this story...Wait! No! You can't haul me away! Roswell! Roswell!! WARNING: Well, this one isn't really graphic, but it does deal with the after-effects of rape, so...if you can't read that stuff, this isn't the story for you...However, if you made it through "Ambivalence I", you should handle this one okay. I have marked off the short NC-17 section with @@@@ signs...see "Amb. I" for disclaimer about that. Please, please, e-mail me with your comments; flames will be ignored. tyger1013@hotmail.com About story: This one is a continuation of "Ambivalence I". You really need to read the first one,or this one won't make much sense... "Ambivalence II" (Imagine Chris Carter's voice here): "Previously, on 'The X-Files'" (he he): Mulder just stormed out of Dr. Sawyer's office after telling her off... "I'm sorry, Scully.", he whispered barely audibly. The road rushed by quietly as the car headed back to Maggie Scully's house. "Mulder, you don't have to apologise for that." She sighed with sadness. "There are so many things you don't have to apologise for. I wish you didn't blame yourself for things that have never been your fault." He only lowered his head to look at the hands folded in his lap. "Talking with Dr. Sawyer will get a lot easier...it just may take some time." More silence. "And you're not getting out of it, either," she added. "I don't care how hard you try. I know all your little tricks, and they're not working this time." She tried to smile. It was as playful as she could manage right now. It had been so difficult for her to maintain their usually joking way of communicating. And Mulder certainly wasn't contributing. "Mulder, you're gonna have to answer me here; I'm tired of talking to myself. I'm not that interesting." She was answered with silence again, blank stares, shallow breathing. "Mulder." She raised her voice enough to make him jump and come back to the seat beside her. He finally looked at her, but still returned no words. He stared at her with tired eyes, waiting for her to ask whatever it was that was so important. "You there? Hello?" "What?" "He speaks! I was beginning to wonder if your voice still worked." He continued to stare at her with That Look...the one she would come to know so well. Sad, exhausted eyes, begging her to let him go away back to whatever place he went that was so far inside of himself. She gave up. "Okay, Mulder." She patted his hand and turned the radio on a low volume. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maggie heard the key turn in the door and greeteed the two as they entered the kitchen. "Hi, there. You're back soon. How did it go?" "Don't ask," Scully answered with a knowing smile, tossing her keys on the kitchen table and falling in a chair with a heavy sigh. Mulder just stood there leaning on his crutches. "Fox, are you okay?" "Mulder." She used a sharp tone that would become second nature to her soon. He jumped again and Maggie was introduced to That Look. Her heart dropped to her stomach and she went to his side and asked, "Fox? What is it?" He stared at his feet dejectedly and finally answered. "Nothing." Maggie wasn't sure what was going on, so she looked to Dana. "He's okay, Mom." She sent her mother a look that told her she'd explain later. "I think I'm gonna take a nap. I'm tired." "Okay. I guess we'll leave for home tonight after dinner." "Okay," he muttered on his way to his room. The two sat in silence for a few minutes. Scully spoke first. "It's like he's not here. He goes somewhere inside himself and if I manage to pull him out, he just looks at me with this face, like I'm just killing him or something. So I just let him go back." "Maybe that's the only way he can handle things right now." "Yeah, I guess....But I hate it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mulder sat on the side of the bed and set his crutches on the floor. He pulled down the covers with nervous anticipation, unable to wait any longer for the protective warmth that the blankets offered him. He snuggled in and ground his back safely into the wall, grabbed the extra pillow to hold on to , and settled in for his much appreciated nap. He was so happy to be alone after the ordeal earlier that day that he fell asleep unusually quickly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Someone was shaking him. He opened his eyes sleepily and was surprised that it was dark. "Hi, there. It's 6 o'clock. Dinner will be ready soon." "Okay," he slurred. Scully flipped on the lamp and returned to the kitchen. Dinner was quiet, and Mulder began thinking again. He didn't like that. "I'm finished. I'm full." "But you've barely eaten anything," Scully remarked. "I'm full." "Mulder..." She was getting frustrated. "No," he snapped. She closed her eyes and tried to ease her anger. "Okay." "I'll go pack." Mulder got up and returned to his room. As he packed his bag, the thoughts began to race again and chase their own tails. When he picked up his watch from the bedstand, his hand paused next to the bottle of painkillers. He flipped the cap off and swallowed two with the stale water still on the table. He replaced the cap and tossed the bottle in the top of his bag. He returned to the kitchen and sat at the table as Maggie and Scully were cleaning up. "Mrs. Scully, thank you for taking care of me." Maggie looked up form the sink and turned curiously to look at Mulder. "It was my pleasure, Fox. You're welcome here anytime." She smiled warmly. "I...I'm sorry for not being too nice lately." "It's okay. I understand." She dried her hands and went to kiss the top of his head. "I still love you." His dead expression that he had carried all day broke and several tears slid down his cheeks. Maggie knew he was embarrased about his recent sensitivity, and she returned to her clean-up. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Scully said goodbye to her mother and took her and Mulder's bags to the car. They soon left and Mulder sat quietly in the passenger seat. The pills started to work, quickly because of his empty stomach. His head began to feel heavy and he felt a seductive warmth behind his eyes. The thinking stopped. Just comforting warmth. Quiet. Finally. No thoughts. No shame. Just...nothing. He smiled. Scully was saying something, but whatever it was he didn't really care. "Sleep, Scully...s'eep....I'gonn' s'eep," he slurred through his drugged haze, then gave up. "You just took a nap, Mulder--" She noticed he was already gone and went silent. When they arrived home, Sculy tried to wake Mulder. It took a few tries, but he sleepily opened his eyes. "Come on. Get up. We're home." "I don' wan' get up." "Get up." <"Get up, Dad."> "I don' care." "Please? Get up." <"Please, Dad? Please?"> "Get up. PLEASE." "Lea' me alo." <"PLEASE get up, Dad!" "Leave me alone, Fox."> His expression changed dramatically to one ofshock. "You okay?" "Huh? Yeah." He started to get out of the car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He could hear Scully getting ready for bed. He stared at the prescription bottle he had retreived from his bag and thought carefully. His hand popped the top off and put a couple of pills in his mouth. He filled the bathroom glass with water and drank it down. "Mulder, do you--" Smash! The glass shattered on the floor, looking all too much like the way Mulder felt. His mouth hung open in guilty shock. Scully's eyes darted about the room looking for the source of Mulder's expression. They rested on the prescription bottle "What's that?" <"Mulder, Fox. Take one for pain every 3-4 hours. Tylenol #3 300/60"> "What are you taking--" Piecing together the facts, she came very close to passing out. "Did you swallow that?!" Her voice became quiet now. Fear had swiftly kicked anger out the door. "Why did you do that, Mulder?" With her change in tone, Mulder finally came out of his shock. "I...I...", he stammered. "Mulder, come sit down." She led him to his room and helped him onto the bed, then pulled up a small chair in front of him and caught his eyes. "Tell me," she spoke softly. He quickly pulled away from her intense gaze and looked down as he struggled to explain himself. Treacherous thoughts swirled through his brain like a tornado and ripped him apart, scattering splinters everywhere. "I just..." Tears of frustration burned his eyes. "I just WANT IT TO GO AWAY! Scully, the thoughts won't go away. I'm so so confused and ashamed and I'm angry and terrified and it won't leave me alone, Scully, it won't leave me alone!" He was ranting now, controlled by his overwhelming anger, and thrashing his arms wildly about. Scully grabbed his wrists and held his arms down. "Stop. Mulder. Stop." The energy that was diverted into his arms couldn't get out anymore, and with his distraction taken away form him, the pain pierced him to the core. His tortured wail sliced through Scully, and she sat next to him as he fell into her lap. "Mulder, those pills aren't going to take that away. If you don't face your feelings and let them go, they'll just fester there. And they'll get worse and worse as time goes on. Then, one day, when you can't take those pills anymore, you'll be facing a monster 100 times bigger than the one you are now." "I don't care! I don't want to face it. I want to hide somewhere away from this. I'm so scared, Scully. I'm so scared. I want this all to leave me the fuck alone. Make it go away, Scully. PLEASE!" His voice was cut off by the sobbing that took control of his body. A tear of helplessness trickled down her face and fell into his dark hair. She could barely get the words out of her mouth. "I can't, Mulder. I'm so sorry, but I can't do it for you." His body only continued to quake. "I'll help you, though. I promise. I'll be right here for whatever you need. Please remember that." Eventually, the pill took effect, and Scully put him to bed. The drug dropped him into a dreamless sleep, so the next morning he awoke thankfully to dry sheets. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Scully, let me go to work, please." "No, Mulder. You're on mandatory leave. I'm not taking you in." "I HAVE to go, Scully. I have to get away fror this. It's driving me CRAZY. Please." "But you're not...Okay, but I want you to stay at the office, okay? You can come to keep yourself busy, but you're not allowed to do any official work, remember?" "Oh, thank you, Scully. Thank you!" He rushed to get dressed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He was bored and restless. Scully was out for a couple of hours until she would return to take him to his appointment with Dr. Sawyer. He was looking through some files when, without warning or reason, the scene with Krycek came flooding back to him. The hands, he couldn't stop the hands. Scully returned to the office. "Mulder? Where'd you go? It's time to leave." She listened and heard some quiet noises coming from Mulder's area. "Mulder? Are you here?" She looked around and walked behind his desk. She heard frantic breathing coming from under the desk, and she knelt down. "Mulder?" She spoke in a quiet voice, so as not to scare him. He eyed her with a feral gaze, trembling and breathing raggedly. "It's okay. Mulder, do you know where you are?" He didn't answer her, and she wasn't sure he could see her. "Mulder, it's me. It's Scully." More of the same. She reached out to his hand that held his knees to his chest protectively. He jumped at first, then seemed to return to reality as he looked around him and noticed where he was. "Scully?" "Yeah, it's me." "What am I doing under my desk?" "I don't know, Mulder." "How long have I been here?" "What's the last thing you remember?" "I think it was around 12." "It's 1:30." "Oh, God." "Well, you need to get up. It's time to leave for your appointment." He crawled out of his foxhole and they left for the office. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Are you feeling better today?" He looked down with shame. "I'm sorry. I'm usually not like that." "It's okay. I'm used to things like that. So what has been going on?" Guilt swam around in his mind. "Why don't you tell her, Mulder?" "Yesterday, I...I took a few pills." "What kind of pills?" "Painkillers." "I take it you didn't take them for your ankle." "No, I didn't." "How many?" "Two of the high dose Tylenol 3's after dinner and then two more later." "Why did you do that?" "The thinking. I can't stop it. It won't go away, and it's driving me insane. I'm so confused. It's like...I feel two opposite ways. About a lot of stuff. I feel one way but I feel the opposite way just as much." "Explain." "Uh...it's like I'll hate something, but I'll love it too. Or I'll know something is my fault, but I'll know it's not. And I can't stop going back and forth. It's like playing a tennis match with myself, except I'm not allowed to stop." "What's your fault?" Her voice was soft. He turned red. It hurt. He was scared. He crouched into his chair. "It's all right. You can tell me." He remained quiet. "Mulder, come on. We're not going to think you're screwed up." Scully tried to encourage him. "I--I don't want to--" "You can say anything here...Do you want Scully to leave?" "No," he resopnded quickly. "No, don't leave." "Okay. I wont." "What is your fault?" He looked up at the woman, begging her with his eyes to let him get away without an answer. But she wouldn't give in. "My dad...he did stuff to me, but I took it the wrong way." "What kind of stuff?" He shifted restlessly in his chair. "Just stuff at night." Dr. Sawyer waited, nodding for him to continue. "And I took it the wrong way. But he didn't mean it that way, and I'm so bad, I'm so bad for thinking that way." "What way?" "I thought it was wrong." "Wrong how?" "It felt bad." "Bad?" "Creepy." , she said with her eyes. Mulder looked helplessly to Scully, pleading with her to get him out of this. She rested her hand on his. "It's okay, Mlder. You can say it." He looked down again and began rubbing his sneaker into the carpet. "I thought it was something...well, sexual." His voice sped up frantically, "But it wasn't it really wasn't I just took things the wrong way he didn't mean it that way I just--" "Why are you defending him?" "I'm not defending him." "Okay, why are you taking the blame for it?" "I'm not. It's simply my fault. I perceived it the wrong way, and I think I'm just a perverted person." "How old were you when this started?" "Four." "Four? Do you really think a four year old is capable of that?" "I was." She thought a moment. "Okay. I'm giving you an assignment. I want you to go to a busy playground and watch some four year old boys." "Why?" "Don't worry about that. Just do it." "Uh...okay." "All right. I won't make you stay any longer today...unless there's something else you want to talk about?" "No, definitely not." Scully smiled. "Okay, I'll see you on Monday. I want you to go to the playground from here. It's late afternoon and should be busy with plenty of four year olds." "All right." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They sat quietly on the grass near the swing set in the park. A partcular boy caught Mulder's eye. He was about four, with dark hair. The boy jumped about the playground with glee; angelic and playful smiles lit up his eyes. It began to sink in what Dr. Sawyer's purpose had been. Tears fell. Scully knew what he had seen in the boy, and she put a supportive arm around his shoulder. Mulder's thoughts soon returned. He pulled away from Scully abruptly and trudged back to the car. He was slow on the crutches, so she stopped him before he got very far. "What did you see in that little boy, Mulder?" His eyes were cast sadly downward, and he leaned against an oak tree. "He's so innocent and beautiful, Scully. How could anyone..." He sighed. "Do you see? Do you see how innocent you were?" "No." "You don't?" "No." "Why?" "'Cause I was different." "Different how?" "There was something wrong with me." "What, Mulder? What do you think was so wrong with you?" she reached up to brush a lock of hair from his eyes. "I was really sick, Scully." "Why?" "Because." "Because you thought your dad was molesting you?" He turned a darker shade of red and backed further into the tree. "It's all right, Mulder," she spoke softly. "I was wrong." "You were four years old. Four year olds don't make up things like that." "I know. And that's why I'm so bad, because I was so sick that I thought that about my dad when I was only four." She knew she couldn't win right now. He would have to discover this in his own way, in his own time. She couldn't force him to believe anything. "Okay...I believe with all my heart that you are the most pure and wonderful person I have ever known. But I'll let you believe what you need to." He looked up at her with eyes full of tears. "It's not that I need to believe it, Scully. It's true." The assertion made her wince. She pulled him close to her and hugged him tight. "You're not bad, Mulder. You're not, I promise. I love you and I would never lie to you just to make you feel better. I promise." Her hands rubbed his back slowly, and he cried noiselesssly into her hair. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Only the sound of forks clinking on plates could be heard at the dinner table. Mulder picked at his food, swirled some spinach around on his plate, mixed it with some mashed potatoes. His milk remained untouched, and the chicken was marked only by tiny fork stabs. "Mulder, please eat." "I'm not hungry." "I know, but you have to eat something." "Please, Scully. Don't make me." "I won't let you get up till you eat at least half of that." He sighed dejectedly and painfullly lifted a string of spinach from his plate. When he put it in his mouth his face contorted like he was being stretched on the rack. A smile crept onto Scully's lips. "Mulder, it's not that bad. I thought you liked spinach." "I do. I just don't want to eat." After several bites, he began stealthily pushing his food together, trying to make it appear that he had eaten more than he had. Scully gave up. ~~~~~~~~~~ "NO! STOP! DON'T!" Scully was quickly at his side. "Mulder, wake up." He started and looked around him wildly. "Scully?" "Yeah. A dream." His breathing was heavy and he felt damp. "NO NO NO! FUCKING HELL!" She brought her hand up to his back. "It's all right, Mulder." "Scully, why do I keep doing this?! My God, what the hell is wrong with me?" He fell into sobs of hopelessness. "Mulder, you've been traumatised. It's thrown you off balance. But you'll get better; just be patient with yourself." "What's wrong with me, Scully?" he groaned as he buried his head into her shoulder. She pet his silken hair lovingly. "Nothing, sweetheart. There is nothing wrong with you. You're just having some trouble. You'll get better, I promise. There's nothing wrong with you." ~~~~~~~~~~~ It was Saturday, and Scully was trying to think of something to keep Mulder busy. She looked over to the corner of the sofa where was nested. "Do you want to go to a movie today, Mulder?" He didn't answer. He was looking at the TV but was focused on some point beyond it. "Mulder," she snapped, to shake him out of it, and she was met with That Look. "Do you want to go to a movie?" He flinched as he was forced to focus on reality. "I guess." "I'll get the paper." They went to a movie that afternoon, immersing themselves in flickering frames, slurping straws and crunching popcorn. Both of them desparately needed the diversion. The weekend was difficult for both of them. Scully tried to keep them both busy with as many excursions as she could think of, but the the nights were the same as they always were, a stark reminder of what had happened the week before, and, worse, years and years before. Sunday they took a picnic to a park and then left to visit the art museum. This trip seemed to have a calming effect on Mulder's recently frayed and shredded nerves. They even enjoyed a quiet dinner at Scully's favourite restaurant. Afterwards, they went next door for some ice cream. Scully ordered a Rocky Road cone while Mulder gleefully licked at his chocolate chip scoop. "It's nice to see you relax some, Mulder," she told him as they sat at one of those obnoxiously bright and rock hard tables thtat ice cream shoppes always have. "Thanks, Scully. For keeping my mind off of things this weekend...I wanted to crawl into my cave and brood, like I usually do when I'm not feeling well." "When do you ever do that?" A playful smile lit up her face. Mulder concentrated on the woman before him. Smiling sweetly back at her, he wiped the wonderful patch of ice cream from her cheek. "Oops," she grinned, realising her messiness. Mulder only smiled lopsidedly back at her until she picked up her keys. "Okay, let's go home." ***continued in "Ambivalence II" (2/2)***** Title: "Ambivalence II" (2/2) Author: tyger1013 Disclaimers, etc. posted in "Ambivalence II" (1/2) "There's a group I want you to go to, Mulder." He eyed Dr. Sawyer suspiciously. "What kind of group?" "Group therapy. One for survivors of sexual abuse." Mulder looked down and groaned. "Do I have to?" "No. You don't have to do any of this." "Well, I kinda do...counseling is mandatory for me." "Well, for now this is an option for you. I won't write it up as something you have to do, unless something serious comes up. I think it's important for you to be able to make the choices in your own recovery. It's incredibly important for you to be allowed to say 'no' and have someone respect that right." He liked her. "Thank you." She smiled. "Okay...I guess I'll go." "You'll have to go by yourself, though. Scully can't come." "Yeah, I know." "Well, you're in luck, 'cause the group meets this afternoon." A sarchastic smile crossed his lips. "Lucky me." A giggle escaped Scully. ~~~~~~~~~~ After lunch, Scully drove Mulder back to the center. She stopped at the front door, but Mulder didn't make any moves to get out of the car. The engine hummed loudly in the silence. "You nervous?" "Yeah." "You'll be okay. I know you." He looked back at Scully and was met with an encouraging smile. He sighed heavily. "Okay. I'm going." "I'll pick you up at 3." "Bye, Scully." Grateful for the excuse his crutches gave him to be slow, he trudged down the hallway as if walking down death row. He caught the elevator to the third floor and took his time getting to the room. He breathed a sigh of relief when he found the door open so that he wouldn't draw a lot of attention to himself struggling to open it and get through. He entered with his head down. "Hi, there. You must be Mulder." Mulder fell with a thump into the chair closest to the door. "Yeah." "Hi. I'm Scott. Annie just called to tell me you were coming." He noticed there were three other men in the room, and he eyed them carefully. As soon as he had inspected them, another two came through the door and made him jump. They all introduced themselves to him, and their friendliness was rough on his nerves; he didn't want to have to respond to anybody. A few minutes and one more intrusion of a late group member later, the group began. A kid about 18 named Ethan explained the group to him. "This is a place where we can talk to people that understand what we're going through. Everything that is said here stays here. And you're allowed to say anything you want." Mulder glared uncertainly through the hair that hung into his eyes. Since the incident with Krycek, he had become very scared of men. The assault had brought up a lot of feelings about his father, and he was nervous around all men lately. "Could you tell us a little about yourself?", Scott asked. He shifted in his chair and spoke very quietly. "I'm an agent with the FBI. I work on paranormal and unsolved cases." He watched them give him a look asking to explain a little more. Reluctantly, he added another sentence, hoping that would be enough for them. "My therapist thought I should come here." He was surprised when they left him alone. A couple of them talked about what had been going on the last several days. Then the man who had come in late spoke. He was in his 40's and told Mulder his name was Bill. Mulder felt his muscles tense up and his heart began to race. His breathing all but stopped. Scott had noticed Mulder's panic and asked him what was wrong. When he received no response, he raised his voice. Mulder looked up. "What happened?", Scott asked him. "What do you mean?" "You seem really tense all of a sudden. What's wrong?" His voice was shaking now. "Uh, I don't...no." He shook his head. The counselor looked confused. "'No', what?" "Huh?" "I asked you what's wrong." "Nothing...I just...nothing, I'm fine." "You can tell us." "I SAID NOTHING'S WRONG, GODDAMMIT!!" As soon as the words came out of his mouth he felt badly and hunched over in his chair. "I'm sorry." "It's fine. You can yell if you want to." "Please, just leave me alone right now." "Okay, you can just listen." He was okay for about 20 more minutes, when a man named Conor started describing what his father would do to him. Mulder didn't ike hearing those certain words like "penis" and "stroking me", and things like that. He began to panic. He gave up trying to be brave and a "good patient," and he got up to leave. "I'm sorry. I gotta go." "Okay." He tried as fast as he could to get outside. He found a bench underneath a tree where he sat to wait for Scully. Knowing Mulder as well as she did, she arrived early to pick him up, and parked the car when she saw him alone on the bench. As she walked up to him, she noticed the wildness in his eyes and his laboured breathing. "Hi, there. How did it go?" He looked up at her with a pained expression, and she saw his hazel eyes swimming with unshed tears. "You gonna be okay?" He caught his breath fast enough to warn her. "I think I'm gonna puke." Scully jumped out of the line of fire just in time as Mulder threw up what little he had eaten, but the bulk of the mess was burning acid that made him choke. Scully rubbed his back as Mulder choked up whatever he had left and struggled to regain his breath. "What happened in there?" "I just...", he coughed, "I just got freaked out. I...Scully, I feel like such a damn wimp. I'm scared of men, now. Being in there surrounded was so frightening. I guess the last straw was hering someone talk...about it." Scully squeezed her arm around his shoulder. "It must have been hard to hear that." "I don't want to her about it, Scully. I can't." "Come on. Let's go home." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ When they arrived back at Scully's house, Mulder called his answering machine to check his messages. The Lone Gunmen had called to report their latest conspiracy updates. After the beep, he heard his mother's voice. "Fox, it's your mother. I need you to call me when you get home. Goodbye." Scully watched as Mulder's face fell, and waited until he hung up to ask him what was wrong. "My mother left a message." "About what?" "I don't know. I need to call her." He nervously dialed his mother's number. "Hello." "Hi, Mom. It's me." "Hi, Fox." "I got your message...What's wrong?" "You didn't call me on my birthday Friday, Fox." He was attacked by familiar guilt. "Oh, Mom. I'm so sorry." "I didn't even get a card form you." "I'm sorry, Mom." "You're my only child now, Fox. Do you have any idea how selfish you are to forget your mother when you're her only child left?" The words killed his soul and he fell into the couch. "I just wanted to remind you, Fox. I need to go now." "I'm sorry Mom, I--" The phone clicked in his ear, and he let the phone fall from his trembling hand. "What is it, Mulder?" His sigh added significant weight to the room. "I forgot my mother's birthday." Resisting the urge to call his mother back and give her a piece of her mind, Scully sat by his side. "Mulder, it's not your fault. You've been through so much this past week. You're using all your strength just to get by right now. It's perfectly understandable that you would forget something like that." "Scully, she's my MOTHER. I'm her only one left, and I can't forget something like that. I have so much to make up for," he lamented with a dejected sigh. "What do you have to make up for, Mulder?" "Samantha. My dad. So much, Scully, so--" "Stop. No. Losing Samantha was not your fault....Dammit, Mulder, why can't you REALISE that? Why does evrything have to be your fault?! God, would you just stop that! It's driving me nuts!" Becoming aware of what she had said, she looked into Mulder's eyes, which resembled a beaten dog. "I'm sorry...What's this about your dad?" She held his hand to get his attention, and spoke in a calming voice. "That wasn't your fault. You believe that because it's what he told you. He didn't want to be responsible for what he did, so he made you believe it was your fault. It wasn't, Mulder. Please believe that." But Scully knew how weak and small her words seemed to him against the enormous and ferocious monster of guilt that had grown for over 35 years. Mulder glanced at her with tired eyes that told her that he wanted to believe...but that he didn't. Scully knew it was time to change the subject. "What do you want for dinner?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scully was taking a bath before dinner, and Mulder stretched out on the sofa. He didn't notice he had fallen asleep until he heard her shuffling around the kitchen, boiling water and cutting up vegetables. He opened his eyes and watched her as she milled about, unaware of him. He didn't get to see her like this very often, in sweats and little white socks, cooking dinner. He enjoyed his opportunity of stealing a moment like this. As a contented smile crossed his lips, Scully noticed he was awake, and she took the moment from him. "Hi, there." "Hi." "Good nap?" "Yeah." His face saddened a bit, and he lifted himself off the couch to help Scully with dinner. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "No, Scully, I don't want to go to bed. If I sleep during the day, I don't wet..." The words trailed off into inaudible grumblings as Mulder's shoulders slumped and his head tilted down with shame. "I know, but you can't do that. When you get back to work" "you can't sleep during the day. You need to get over this, Mulder." She watched as Mulder scowled. "You know I'm right, don't you." "Yeah, I do," he muttered grudginly. He climbed into bed and Scully padded off to her room. However, she was awakened with the usual screams at 2 in the morning. After she had helped him become aware of his surroundings, she held him again and rocked him. She felt his breathing slow and his tears run silent. She held him a few more minutes and then helped him out of bed and brought him fresh sheets. She let him do the rest himself. He needed to feel like he could take care of himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Well, good morning." "Good morning." "How did that group go yeaterday?", Dr. Sawyer asked. Trying to keep the mood as light as possible, Mulder manaaged a smirk. "Let's just say I didn't stay the whole time." "Why not?" A nervous laugh..."Too weird for me." Dr. Sawyer tried to maneuver around the road blocks Mulder was craftily throwing her way. "How was it weird?" He knew he was suddenly out of defenses to use in this situation. He didn't like that. He squirmed in his chair. "I don't know. It just was." He knew his effort was futile and that he would inevidably have to tell her what happened, but he wanted to delay that as much as possible. That way, he could have more time to think of a way to explain it so that he could get out of this conversation. "What happened that was so weird?" "They just...I don't know. I didn't want to hear it." "It?" "I didn't want to listen to the things that happened to them." "Like what?" Something deep inside him snapped and he jumped out of his chair. "I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU! WHAY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?! WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST DROP IT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! DAMMIT!" Although Scully was visibly unnerved, Dr. Sawyer kept her calm demeanour as if Mulder had not just told her basically to fuck off. Scully remained silent, not wanting to interfere. She was here because Mulder felt safer with her there and would talk more if he felt secure. And if anyone needed to talk, it was Mulder. He returned to his seat with his teeth still grinding together. "I'm sorry." "No, you don't have to tell me anything, Mulder. But it's the only way you're going to get better, and you know it." "GODDAMMIT! I don't want to have to tell anyone! I don't want to have to do this! It's not fair, it's not FUCKING FAIR! Dammit, I HATE him for this!" "Who?" "Krycek," he sighed as he fell back into his chair and held his head in his hands, exhausted from his outburst. "He's the one who raped you." "Yeah," he whispered. "What, exactly, do you hate him for?" He thought a moment. "For making me look at this...for making me have to deal with what happened when I was a kid. I'd been able to avoid it until now. The bastard." Dr. Sawyer spoke very softly. "What did Krycek do?" He startled himslef when a high pitched whine escaped his clenched throuat. " I don't...he just...I don't know." The doctor demonstrated her patience with silence. Suddenly, as if he were working with Lego's, he snapped himself neatly back into place as he sat up. "He broke my ankle," he told her with cold conviction in his eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scully sat at her desk, typing up some of her report. Mulder flipped absently through some files, not noticing what was running past his eyes. His head lowered to his folded arms and he shut his eyes to the world. Scully gave him a few minutes. "Hey there." He turned his head to look at her. "Hi." He wanted to smile. But he hurt. "You want to go home?" "Nah. I'll just get bored." "Well, you don't look very thrilled about being here." That gesture brought him a weak smile. But a smile, nevertheless. "What were you thinking about?" He stared back at her a few long moments. "Oh....You want to talk about it?", she offered, but keeping her tone light so she didn't pressure him with it. "No," he whispered. "Okay." He tried to tell her his thoughts with his eyes. He put on the most afflicted look he had. She studied him thoughtfuly. "Are you sure, Mulder?" "Yeah, maybe I do." She left her papers and pulled up a spare chair by his desk, leaning forward to offer him a listeining ear. She watched him stare at her for a few moments. Then he looked down and fidgeted. "I...I don't know where to start." "It doesn't matter. Just say whatever you need to." "This is weird." "I'm sure it is." He took several long minutes before he gathered up the courage to tell her. "I just can't stop thinking about it, Scully. What Krycek did. I feel it over and over and it just won't stop." Scully sighed. "You know...Mulder...if you talk about what happened, it will get a lot of it out of your head." He winced. "I know, but...it's not very easy to do." "Yeah. I bet it's one of the hardest things you'll ever do. But it's the only thing that can really help you right now." His eyes darted to the side for a moment before he looked down. "It's awful, Scully. Are you sure you want to listen to this?" "I can handle it, Mulder." "Okay...I came to and I...didn't have any clothes on. And I had wet the bed I was on and thought I was at home and a kid and that Dad was about to come in and punish me for it. Then I heard Krycek's voice and figured out what was going on. And he started...touching me and stuff. And I couldn't move cause he had a gun to my head. And I..." He groaned. "The bad part is that I...I got hard, Scully," he slurred those last few words together and buried his face in his hands. Her voice was soft. "Mulder, listen to me." She pulled his hands away and looked him in the eyes. "Listen to me. You had no control over that. You didn't. Your body just responded and sent neurological signals to yor brain. You conldn't have stopped that any more than you could keep your hand from jerking away from a hot stove." She could tell he didn't believe her as he hung his head. "What happened then?" @@@@@@@@@@@@NC-17 PARAGRAPH@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ "He...then he started sucking on me. Oh, that was so horrible, Scully. But luckily I passed out. I woke up later, and he came in and told me to turn over." "This time it was much worse. He...he put his finger inside me and started rubbing my prostate." Mulder could feel the blood rush to his face and color his face a deep crimson. "Scully, it felt sooo terrible, so awful. But...but...it also felt really, really good. And I...I..." he looked up at her with tortured eyes. @@@@@@@@@@@@@ END OF NC-17 @@@@@@@@@@ She could figure out now why he had been so confused, and she reached out to put a reassuring hand on his knee. "It's all right, Mulder. You can tell me. No matter what it is, I promise, I won't think any worse of you." "I came, Scully," he said. Then the real shame began, and he started to panic. He felt a desparate, primal need to hide, and he buried his head in Scully's chest so deeply that it hurt her. But she let him. He needed this ostrich-like illusion of safety. So she covered his head in her arms and nestled her cheek into his hair, so he could feel like he was hidden away from the world. "Shhh," she whispered into his delicate hair. He held onto her desparately and leaned into her with all his weight, as if he wanted to just crawl inside of her so she could protect him. She pulled him down to the floor so she could lean against the desk so she wouldn't fall over with the weight he was pressing onto her. "It's all right. It's not your fault. It's okay, sweetheart." After a while, when Mulder's fear had subsided, Scully lifted his head and held it in her hands to look him in the eye. "It's okay, Mulder. You couldn't help it. There was nothing you could have done." He looked away again, but she stopped him. "Hey. Look at me...Mulder. Look at me." Reluctantly, he met her eyes. "I love you," she said simply, and watched as his eyes filled with tears. She reinforced her claim with a soft kiss on his forehead. "I love you, sweetheart. Nothing can change that." Continued in "Ambivalence III", coming later... Thanks for reading :) Please, please PLEASE!!!! e-mail me with your comments...let me know what you did/didn't like...flames will be ignored...Thanks! tyger1013@hotmail.com ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com