From demon@suba.com Mon Feb 10 14:05:10 1997
I would put standard disclaimers but they bore me.  Wrote this all in the past
few hours so don't complain if it sucks.  Well actually do complain.  Or praise
if you are the really crazy type.  Send all stuff to demon@suba.com.  Thank you
for your time and I hope you like it.

                            And Till the End
                            by Goat of Death

	It is getting light now.  And I sit here with the idea of a subtle 
purpose I am still not quite sure of.  I watched a woman die today.  I 
felt her mirror myself in a time which will soon be all too near.  A 
time I fear to such degree I may barely think of it.  I do wish that I 
could remember her more clearly.  I have trouble often times admitting 
to even myself that what she says is most likely the truth.  That she 
was there and I with her in that place where it all started.  The 
scientists and the doctors and all those other people I can't remember 
but I know have ravaged my body for what brief period I have left with 
it.  
	Perhaps it is strength.  Or maybe just a well developed sense of 
rage that lets me carry on.  Father taught me to never take an injustice 
lightly.  I would be betraying more than just him if I did not heed 
those words now.  And Mulder.  What would I leave him with if I were to 
just give up?  
	I apologized for not being able to continue the journey.  But it 
was an apology made in anguish and a strange sense of self deprecation.  
I would much rather die out there on my feet; perhaps with him, then to 
be stuck here in some bed.  Locked away from prying eyes who would 
condemn me for following him so far when I have lost so much.  
	I would perhaps tell them they don't know Mulder like I do.  But 
that would be a lie.  People know Mulder as well as I.  The difference 
is people are frightened of him.  They are scared of what he can do and 
what he has seen.  But not I, his passion is what I rely on in those 
moments when I am lacking myself.  And he needs me for my strength in 
those times when his passion isn't quite enough.  So I must be strong 
for him as much as myself.  
	It is strange.  I write this now I guess for some sense of 
completion.  In the very same book I told him I would throw away.  I 
most likely still will throw it away.  I don't think I want such 
thoughts as this laying around.
	It was strange in that hallway today.  I had spent so much time 
thinking and relying on Mulder still being out there.  Being away from 
me and fighting for his truth that I had almost forgotten for a short 
time what it was like to have him near.  I perhaps tried to convince 
myself that his being away was for the best.  But in those few moments, 
in his arms of all places, I allowed myself to be comforted.  To feel 
his warmth shed onto me so close.  I was dying.  I am dying and again 
Mulder was right.  Though I am so often infuriated by that fact.  The 
only ones who can save us are each other.  And more than anything I want 
to save Mulder.  And I want for him to save me.
	The pathways we have tread have always been the shadowed ones.  I 
guess I realized that and maybe even accepted it some time ago.  Though 
I am not sure the exact moment I may have seen it.  Seen and decided 
that the new way I stumbled upon by almost happenstance was to become my 
life as intimately as anything else I have ever cherished.  I must have 
trusted Mulder even then.  I couldn't have given up so much if I hadn't.  
I had also already seen how much he had given up.  Most of it not of his 
own choice.  Just as I had no wish to be abducted and have whatever it 
is happened done to me.  
	Sometimes I wonder which one of us has truly lost the most.  
Mulder couldn't stop this thing the X-Files have become in him even if 
he tried.  I for my part couldn't stop joining him if I knew only hell 
awaited.  We have come too far to even entertain such pithy notions.  
Hell would be barely a passing perturbation for this insatiable truth 
that has now taken a hold on me as it had already done long ago on 
Mulder.
	I know that he is waiting for me now just down the hall a short 
ways.  He would wait for hours if I stayed in this room.  He would shoot 
himself in the head before shooting me.  I find his presence and the 
knowledge that he is so close as reassuring as I found his absence 
earlier.  I only hope that our footsteps on this path can last long 
enough.  My resolve is strong and strengthen more with him.  But body 
can only carry me so far.  The inevitable will come and I only hope that 
he is there to hold my hand when it does.  I may not tell him but I need 
him.  And I want him to know that when the time comes I would have not 
wished my life any other way.  The truth is out there and although we 
may not find it together.  I at least have faith that he will.
	I should go now.  I will be sure to drop this in the trash on the 
way out.  Goodbye.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Man is it late.  Or hell now it's early.  Well I was never much of 
one for sleep anyway.  Scully that's why I'm here.  Remember Scully.  I 
hear a door open down the hall to my left.  I see her red hair appear 
against the T-shirt and jeans she has now put on.  It is peculiar not to 
see her in her business suit.  But then again it is just as strange to 
think of her as being sick.  Wait no can't think of that now.
	I told her she should sleep here.  She had been awake all night 
and it was almost morning.  I'd be waiting for her when she woke.  
Scully wouldn't hear of it though.  She said she needed to get out of 
this place.  I can understand that.  I've had a lot of places I've 
needed to get out of.
	She smiles slightly as she stops in front of me.  I don't see her 
notebook.  Maybe it's in her bag.  "You ready," I ask.
	She nods.  I reach and take her bag from her.  She lets it go 
without a tug.  We're both tired and we both want to go home.
	The walk out to the car seems almost painfully slow.  I want to 
say something but I'm just not sure what that something is.  Asking her 
how she's feeling would seem foolish.  And anything else might end up 
being depressing.  So we just walk, sharing that bit of silence between 
us.
	The most sound we hear is that of mechanics as I open the trunk 
and unlock the car doors.  I try to get around to open Scully's door for 
her but she's already got it.  I still don't say anything and she's too 
tired to reprimand me.  I don't know if I should be disturbed by that or 
consider myself lucky.  Unfortunately I've never been the lucky type.
	I close the trunk and go back around the car to get in.  I place 
the key in the ignition but something tells me to turn.  To look at her.  
I look at Scully and she is looking at me.  A hint of water is still in 
her crystal eyes.  I so often wonder what she sees.
	I hold her gaze for a moment, that thought still lingering.  Then 
I turn my attention back to the ignition.  It is so weird.  That 
sensation as I feel her fingers curl around the back of my neck.  I 
don't know whether to jump out of my skin or thank whoever it is I 
should be thanking up there for her.  For the fact that she still wants 
to stay with me even though I know that she shouldn't.  Even though I 
know I don't deserve her.
	I give in and let her pull me close to her.  I do want it though I 
don't turn to look at her.  Her precious small fingers still clutching 
around me.  I feel her warmth but I then I also feel the a soft wetness 
as she presses her lips to my cheek.
	"Thank you Mulder," she whispers as she still holds onto me.  Then 
she buries her head against my shoulder.  I try to awkwardly slink one 
of my arms around her to return the embrace.  My chest feels as though 
it's on fire.  I don't know which is worse, the startling closeness I 
feel in her touch or the fact I know it will soon end.  And not much 
later with a greater sense of finality.
	I turn my head, the desire to see her overtaking my fear.  She 
pulls back slightly as she feels me move.  Again I meet her gaze.  Those 
eyes and that strong face.  I want to ingrain that image on my psyche 
forever.  "For what?" I manage to find the words.
	Scully..  Dana's eyes squint ever so slightly as a smile traces 
across her lips.  "For being there," she says, "And for giving me 
something to believe in.  Perhaps more than science."
	I can no longer hold her gaze feeling as though the burden of a 
world, her world has been placed upon me.  Though I know that was not 
her intent and I chastise myself for allowing myself to even think that.  
I wish I believed I were strong enough to hold her world.  I know she 
believes I am, otherwise she wouldn't have given it to me.
	"Dana.." I start to say but the rest of the words aren't there.  
What exactly did I expect to be able to say.
	"Fox.." she says making a small joke of it.  I look up at her.  It 
is good to see her smile.
	"Scully," I say still not knowing where to go from there.
	"Mulder," her head tilts up continuing the game.
	"Katherine."
	"William," and there are no more names.  I'm left with coming up 
with the next game or at least the next sentence.  Small if you compare 
it to living up to a faith.
	"We should go," I find myself dropping back into the mundane.  One 
of her hands sits on the seat between us.  The other is still curled 
around the back of my neck.
	"Yes we should," she says releasing me.  Well maybe not releasing 
me because for more than a moment I miss the comfort of it.  I turn my 
attention back to the wheel.  The car rumbles to life.
	"No hot-rodding," she says as I begin to pull out.  I could have 
almost swore I saw her wink.
	"I'll try to keep it below ninety," I tell her.  She smiles and 
then leans back into the seat closing her eyes.  Soon at least we'll be 
home.  Even if we still can't make sense of it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

	It is hard writing on this memo pad.  I think maybe I should not 
have thrown my notebook away.  It was kind of foolish.  Writing these 
logs do help.  Even if we can't find the truth at least my notes will be 
around to help point in the right direction.  Though I don't know who 
may follow the journey after us.
	Mulder must continue it even if I am gone.  That is what I will 
have to convince him of these next few days.  Perhaps it may even take 
months.  But I should have at least enough strength to remain with him 
that long.  I must have enough strength or all that we have wrought and 
all that he has suffered will be for naught.
	Twists still lay ahead.  And though I may not be able to navigate 
as many of them as I would like.  I will at least get to find a few 
more.  Mulder being the biggest twist of them all.  I thought I would 
write a little more but now I feel tired.  Perhaps later, when I have 
rested, I can start again.