Date sent: Sat, 23 Aug 1997 16:04:02 -0700 From: "L.A." Subject: Angel Standing By Title: Angel Standing By (1/1) (maybe more) Author: TeddiBear (mail all comments to: dlphnfan@hotmail.com) Disclaimer: Oh boy I hate these Ok, well as we all know Mulder and Scully don't belong to me, (though I wish they did), rather they belong to the fabulous folks at FOX and 10-13 productions and Chris Carter (who frustrates me to no end) created them. Ok, now that that's done, on with the story and I promise I'll return them when I'm through. (Well, maybe not Mulder) J/K. So don't sue, cuz I have nothing to give. I'm penniless and must pay my way through college. Hehe. Also the fabulous song, Angel Standing By is by Jewel. Jewel, I love you! Rating: PG (for language) Classification: VA Vignette/Angst Spoilers: definitely Gethsemane and some Memento Mori, Paper Hearts, and maybe a little Elegy Keywords: implied MSR and UST, and Mulder-Angst o-rama, character dies Summary: My thoughts on Gethsemane: Mulder's final letter to Scully professing everything... Comments: Ok, I've decided to write my take on Gethsemane. By all means I do not think he's dead-goodness no! I just found this song, by Jewel, Angel Standing By, and thought it described Scully perfectly. So what better way to describe Scully, and Mulder's love for her, than in a final letter to her. This is also my thoughts on why he pulled the trigger (supposedly). Also, major warning: This is an extremely angsty fan fic. It's Mulder angst throughout, so if you're not into that sort of stuff-TURN BACK NOW!!! Also, this fan fic, by no way reveals my thoughts on suicide-I think suicide is never the answer-it's the coward's way out, `nuff said. Ok, now I'll get off my soapbox and let you enjoy the story. Please send any and all feedback to me at dlphnfan@hotmail.com and please no flames-I tend to growl when I get them. Also this is my third fan fic, e-mail me if you'd like to read my other two-The Gift Of Truth and Unspoken Love. Dedications: I'm dedicating this first and foremost, to my mom, Diamond Fan, who has always supported me in whatever I do and who also coerced me into writing this. I love you Mommy! Next, to Sarah Lynn, for sending this and my second one, The Gift of Truth to all the archives-thanks babe, I really appreciate it! Then to Enchanta, my ICQ bud who read it at three thirty in the morning (my time) just to make me happy! Thanks dude, I owe ya! Lastly, to all the other fanfic writers out there-who without them, we wouldn't have all this wonderful fan fic and I wouldn't be able to get thru the summer! Thanks all of you-you're all terrific writers! Keep it up! Oh and archive anywhere you want to, just keep everything the same, especially my name and info. Also check out Jewel's Pieces of You-it's a killer album and I'm sure you'll love it! And now get out those hankies and be prepared to weep... Angel Standing By (1/?) (I may do a conclusion from Scully's point of view...) by TeddiBear AKA TB dlphnfan@hotmail.com `...We had had another fight. but this was no ordinary fight. Sure, we fought-over cases or over my constant ditching you-but that was nothing compared to this. This was the argument to end all arguments. This was the ultimate betrayal. But the hardest part was and what hurt me the most, was the fact that everything you had spat at me was true. Every word of it. I can still hear your angry words, repeating themselves over and over in my head, a constant reminder: "Mulder, you're the one who gave me my cancer. The men who did this to me, did it because of you. To hurt you..." And I know you were right. Yet when you uttered those heart-breaking words, I could do nothing but stand there, dumfounded, looking shocked, sad, and hurt, all at the same time. But those feelings soon dissolved into anger and I stormed out in such a blind rage, that I never in a million years, imagined that I'd end up like this. Now, here I am, with my gun to my head, ready, willing, and able to pull the trigger. Never, had I dreamed that I would take the coward's way out. One pull of the trigger and it will all be over. My pain will end-losing Samantha, losing my father, but most of all, losing you, Scully, your trust, and your love. I have betrayed you before when I dragged you into my quest (ok, maybe I didn't drag you. After all, the Bureau did send you to debunk my wild and crazy theories.) Now I'm betraying you again, by leaving you behind to deal with this pain on your own. But let's face it, we'll all be better off without me. But yet, I didn't have to trust you in the first place. But for some reason, I fell for you. Maybe it was your striking blue eyes-which flare green when you're angry. Or maybe it was you killer instinct and insight that helps me to solve so many of these cases. It could have been the way you rebut almost all of my ideas, with your simple logic and at times irrefutable science. Or maybe it was your full lips, which break into a smile on too rare an occasion. Damnit Scully! You have no idea what you do to me. Let's face it-I fell for all of you-your beautiful looks, your incredible smarts, and your unbreakable spirit. I swear, that day when you walked into my office and shook my hand for the first time, that was the best damn day of my life! One look into your crystal blue eyes and I was gone. I love gazing into those shiny sea blue irises, giving you looks whenever I can and having you shoot back even stranger looks, that only you can give. You remind me of a song I've heard... [ All through the night I'll be standing over you. All through the night I'll be watching over you. And through the bad dreams, I'll be there for you, baby.] That you were, always there when I called you after one of my horrible nightmares or always there when I needed to be rescued (countless times, I know.) [ Holding your hand, telling you every thing is all right. And when you cry, I'll be right there.] You were there for me, all right, after those extreme cases-the one we call Paper Hearts in particular, when I was happy it wasn't Sam they found in the forest, yet devastated some other little girl had to die... [ Telling you, you were never anything less than beautiful.] I wish I had told you the same, Scully. You made me feel important and special. You just have that way about you. A way that I love. [ So don't worry, I'm your Angel standing by.] My god, Scully-you are my `angel standing by.' You're always there when I need you and even when we fight (which is too often) you're still there after the dust has settled. You're always watching over me, trying to keep me safe from everything, at times, even safe from myself. It's my fault, Melissa died. It's my fault, your father died. It's my fault, you're dying. I feel like I've betrayed you, my angel. Like I've betrayed your trust. All those times I ditched you-I did it to protect you, I hope you know that. But yet, I couldn't protect you. I never could. They've gotten to you and they've gotten to me, because they've gotten to you. Let's face it, Scully, it's over. They've won. They knew how to take me down-by taking you from me. They knew of the bond we'd formed and how valuable and sacred it was, though we never admitted it. At first, my work in the X-Files, was a quest for Samantha and the truth about what had happened to her. But now it's something more. I'm tired of looking for answers I'll never find-I can't continue to do it anymore if it means sacrificing you, the one thing that means more to me than ever finding out the truth. I want everything to be all right-for you to be cured and for Sam to be returned. But I know that will never happen and if I continue on the path that I'm on, eventually you will end up dead, something I could never bear. That's why I hope you understand, why I'm doing this. Why I have to do this. Maybe by my ending my search and giving in-they'll cure you. They'll make you well. Please don't be angry, Scully. Stay strong-don't ever let them break you. I'm doing this because I love you. I always have and I always will. The truth is just too high a price to pay if it means losing you. Goodbye, my `angel standing by'...' With that, Fox Mulder slowly put down his pen, folded up the letter he had just written, and picked up his gun. A single shot rang out shattering the silence in the small dark apartment. Mulder's pain may have ended. but Dana Scully's was just beginning... The End or is it? I may do a conclusion to this based on Scully's reaction. Prepare for more Scully Angst! Well, did ya like it? Please send all feedback to dlphnfan@hotmail.com and please, no flames, I tend to growl when they arrive in my mail box. Thanks! Oh and stay tuned for more fan fics from me based on songs, I'm thinking of doing a series... TB