From: TBishop27@aol.com Date: Sun, 12 Sep 1999 21:10:28 EDT Subject: xfc: Apologies Source: xfc From: TBishop27@aol.com Apologies by TBishop27@aol.com Rated: NC-17 Category: MSR-Smut, A/V Summary: This is a sequel to THERE WAS A TIME. You really should read it first but it's not necessary as the gist of it is summarized in the sequel. You can find it an all my other stories archived here: The Literary G-Spot Feedback: It will only encourage me. Warning, flames will be forwarded to that dark part of my writer's imagination that roams the night in search of victims. Disclaimer: This Mulder and Scully are mine. Chris would never let his do such things! Author's note: This story is also my apology for depressing so many of you with THERE WAS A TIME. ***Thanks to David, Shell and Shoshana for their most excellent beta work! APOLOGIES My stomach sinks when I opened the door and see her standing there. Even though it isn't a work day she is wearing one of her serious business suits... a complete contrast to the last time I saw her. Maybe she feels she needs that armor to protect herself in this confrontation. I know why she's here. I feel sick and desperate knowing I am about to lose her forever. I fucked up big time last night. I went to her apartment, invaded her inner sanctum and violated both her body and her trust. I hurt Scully through an act of selfishness and cowardice. Now I'm about to pay the price for my transgressions. I'm about to lose my reason for living. "Mulder, may I please come in?" She is polite, and I detect humility rather than anger in her tone. Her eyes never meet mine. "Ahh... Sure, Scully." I step aside to let her into my darkened tomb. Even though it is morning I refuse to allow the daylight into my apartment. I'm too afraid of what the light might reveal. I don't want to see myself that clearly today. As she brushes past me I can smell the scented shampoo she uses to wash her hair, and I breathe in a deep breath of that familiar perfume to soothe my terrified heart. "We need to talk." She says, taking a seat on my couch, her small perfect hands folding together neatly on her lap. Her eyes are focused intently on the cluttered coffee table in front of her. She studies a haphazard pile of magazines, a half full glass of warm iced tea, a scattered mosaic of sunflower seeds, a couple of case files, a notepad and pen... It is all ultimately more fascinating than me. I nod obediently, even though I know she can't see me. She doesn't want to see me. As I sit down beside her, I feel her stiffen at my proximity. She shuts her eyes briefly to steady herself, taking a couple of slow deep breaths before continuing. I should move away, give her space, but I need to be near her right now. I need to be close to her before she leaves me. "Mulder... I came to apologize for last night." What? She's apologizing to ME? What in the hell for? I'm the one who was out of line. I'm the one who let myself into her apartment and invaded her privacy. I'm the total ass who took advantage of her in a vulnerable moment. It was me who asked indecent things of my partner. Things I had no right to ask. I'm the one who refused her. I'm the one who turned my back on her, ignored her pleas, left her as stripped of her dignity as she was of her clothing. I'm the one who abandoned her to cry in the darkness. What could she possibly have to apologize to me for? "I had a moment of weakness. You caught me off guard when you came into my bedroom and saw me..." She shifts uncomfortably and fidgets with the hem of her skirt. "I'm sorry, Mulder, I lost control and acted inappropriately. I humiliated myself in a most undignified way, and I'm sure I must have caused you a great deal of embarrassment and pain as well. For that I am truly sorry." I'm stunned. SHE acted inappropriately? This was unbelievable. "I only hope that you can forgive me and that we can find a way to put this behind us. I'll understand if you find you can't work with me anymore, but I hope...I hope it doesn't have to come to that." She's not leaving? At first that's all my brain registers. Scully's not leaving me! I am relieved beyond measure. And then I suddenly become aware of everything that she has said. My God, how could she ever think I would want to send her away? Doesn't she know how much I need her? She picks nervously at her cuticles and I see a slight tremble to her hands. "I swear to you I will never let you see that side of me again. I won't let you see my weakness anymore. I've kept my love for you hidden all these years, Mulder. This was just a momentary slip. I promise you the walls are already back up and I've reinforced them with everything I've got." It's the first I've ever heard Scully speak of her love for me. I hate that this is the context in which she must confess what is in her heart. I marvel at the way she reclaims her self-respect after all that has happened. "I'm going to need your help though, Mulder. You see, the nucleus of my weakness is this burning desire that threatens to consume me. You have to stop adding fuel to it." "Adding fuel?" I reach over to stop her nervous manicure before she draws blood. She jerks her hands away from mine. "No more touching, Mulder!" "I'm sorry, Scully." "No more touching and no more innuendo." "Scully, you know I don't mean anything by those remarks." I object. "Do I?" "Jesus, Scully. You know I kid around. I thought you enjoyed a little verbal banter now and then." "I do... I did." She sighs. "I can't do it anymore." I have to remind myself that I deserve this. That it was my out of line behavior last night that brought on this sudden need for Scully's rules of conduct. Really though, she's no innocent in the game of indirect suggestion. I bite down on my lip to stop myself from pointing that out to her. She takes my silence as acceptance and continues on down her list. "No more standing so close." "I stand too close?" I'm trying very hard to keep the anger out of my voice. This is really ridiculous though. "Mulder, you stand so damn close to me that I can feel the heat radiating off your body!" "Apparently I have personal space issues I'm unaware of." She chooses to ignore my obvious sarcasm. "No more of those looks either." "What looks?" Is there anything I do that isn't wrong? "You know what I'm talking about, Mulder." "If I did, I wouldn't be asking." She's fussing with her watch now. "You give me these looks that go right through me. I wouldn't call them piercing exactly, but they're definitely invasive." "Now I can't even look at you?" This has gone well beyond ridiculous. I have no idea what 'looks' she's talking about. I have, however, been on the receiving end of some fairly arresting looks from Scully on occasion. "You have to back off, Mulder. I'm only human for Christsake!" "You make me sound like some sort of a predator, Scully! You know, I'm not alone in this! I could point out a thing or two that you do..." "You'll get your turn." She cuts me off. "I'm not finished yet." "There's more?" Dare I ask? "Don't call me in the middle of the night anymore, Mulder, unless it's work related. And please... please... no more unannounced late night visits." I hang my head. "Agreed." I really can't argue with her after what happened last night. Maybe her other points aren't so off base either. Hell, maybe I am a predator where Scully is concerned. I certainly acted like one last night. "I realize it's not been your intention to seduce me. I know you're only trying to break through the walls I've put up and get inside my head." She smoothes invisible wrinkles from her skirt. "I know you want to get inside. But I need those walls, Mulder. You saw what I'm like without them." "Scully, I hurt you, and now you come to me offering an apology. An apology is needed here, but certainly not from you. I'm the one who trespassed on your privacy and acted improperly. I never should have left you like that last night." She laces her fingers together to hold her hands steady. "No. It was good that you left. At least one of us was strong. I'm just ashamed that it wasn't me." I reach over and put my hand on hers. She jumps up from the couch and moves to the other side of the room. "Mulder, please..." I've forgotten the rules already. I can't touch her. How the hell am I supposed to live without touching her? I bury my face in my hands and try to shut out this horrible mess I've created. I've fucked things up between us and I need to make it right again. I'm just not sure how to do that, or if it's even possible considering the magnitude of my err. "I can't work side by side with you day in and day out and never touch you, Scully." The room is silent. Neither of us knows what to say. We have finally come to the crossroads and we're both too terrified to move. I'm such a fucking coward. Her brother had me pegged right from the beginning. I'm a sorry son of a bitch who ultimately only causes her pain. She said she loves me, but for the life of me I can't understand why. I'm no good for her. I know what her association with me has cost her. All the tragedy in her life can be traced back to a single wretched source... me. How can this woman love me? Why is it she stays when all common sense says she should run as far and as fast from me as she possibly can? She's the last person on this earth I would ever want to hurt, so of course in trying to protect her I end up hurting her more. I went to her apartment last night because I needed her. Sometimes I'm just so overwhelmed with obscurity that I have to see Scully to find my clarity again. She is my life's beacon. She guides me through the complexities of my troubled conscience. I thought she would be asleep, and so I used my key. Why I thought I had any right to invade her home, her bedroom, her privacy, without her consent is proof of my egocentricism. The vision of her lying naked on that bed took my breath away. She was so alluring, yet I found myself paralyzed, unable to act upon my desire. I stood there suffering, aroused to the brink of agony. I wanted her more at that moment than I had ever wanted anything in my life. I prayed she would cover herself, that she would scold me for looking at her, that she'd kick my miserable ass out the door. But God help me she didn't. Instead she offered me my dream, my secret fantasy, my greatest desire. She wanted me to make love to her. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid of what the consequences might be for both of us. I've profiled myself enough times to fear the inevitability of the disaster that would ensue from becoming intimately involved with Scully. I am incapable of having a successful loving relationship with another person. I believe I've proven that time and again. And so I was forced into a hopeless situation. Hurt Scully by accepting her love or by rejecting her? Some fucking choice. While I stood there agonizing, things went from unimaginably bad to unbelievably worse. Scully mistook my inability to leave as a willingness to stay. She began to entice me even more by touching herself. I came so close to losing all control and taking her right then and there. In a moment of absolute unforgivable selfishness I asked her to pleasure herself while I watched. She performed for me, all the while begging me to make love to her. I just watched. And when it was over and I saw the tears streaming down her cheeks, I was ashamed of my audacity. I knew I had to leave before anymore harm was done. It wasn't her condemnation of me that tore me apart, it was her desperation and her pain. So I left her, fearing that she would never forgive me, and completely certain that I could never forgive myself. And now she has come to me. I have a chance to choose a different path. I don't know if I can make things right but I have to try... I get up and slowly make my way a thousand miles across the room to where Scully is standing. As I come nearer I see the desolation in her vivid blue eyes. I have always been able to gauge her emotions by looking into those eyes. Now I see fear, I see guilt, I see sadness, loneliness, remorse... and I see love. Amazingly, I still see love. I reach out and take her beautiful face into my hands. "Mulder..." "Shh..." I say as I move in even closer. My eyes focus on the mouth I've longed to kiss since the first day we met. She realizes what I am about to do and tries to back away, but I won't let her go. I let our lips come together and begin a kiss that goes from tender to passionate in a single heartbeat. I can feel her fire and finally I let her feel mine. In this inferno of passion we are suddenly both consumed, and everything but my desire is reduced to ashes, my fears dissipate like smoke. "I'm sorry, Scully." I whisper as I shower her face with feather light kisses. "I'm sorry for not having the courage to make love to you last night. Let me apologize properly." I want to do this right. I want to make everything better for her. I need to apologize to every inch of her body. I pick her up in my arms and carry her off to the bedroom. I carefully set her on the edge of my bed and kneel before her to strip away her clothing. She stops me with a word. "No." A sudden rush of anxiety comes over me. Is she going to reject ME now? And then she smiles. "You first." Returning her smile, I stand and she watches as I undress. When I stand naked before her, Scully's eyes take me in with a spark of satisfaction. I am hard and her gaze lingers momentarily over my erection. I move towards her but she shakes her head, stopping me in my tracks. Then she gets up and walks past me, just out of my reach, to the bedroom door. "Scully..." I call after her on the verge of panic. She can't walk out on me now. But it was never her intention to leave. She turns around and leans against the doorjamb, crossing her arms over her chest. "Lie down on the bed, Mulder." She commands. "This time I want to watch you." Jesus! "Scullee..." I whine. This isn't exactly what I had in mind. She raises a brow to my objection. I can't believe she's going to make me do this. Not seeing any sign of mercy from the woman, I resign myself to the task. I sigh and settle onto the bed as she requested. Damn if she doesn't have the most sexy little smug grin on her face. Maybe I can make things right for her after all. "Touch yourself." She orders, and then she waits. Well, it's not like I'm a rookie or anything. Though I have to admit I've never done it for an audience before. I should have anticipated something like this. I forgot for a minute who I was dealing with. Scully is all for equality. This isn't about revenge, well not entirely anyway. It's about respect. She's still waiting. I can't look at her while I do this. I close my eyes and imagine one of my many catalogued Scully fantasies. I take my cock in hand and slowly slide my grip up and then down my aching shaft. My eidetic memory graces me with a vision of Scully wildly masturbating and calling out my name. Pumping faster I bring my other hand up to cup and caress my swollen sacs. I let my fingers roll around the head of my cock and capture the moisture drops that have formed there. The lubrication makes my movements more fluid and my hips begin bucking in rhythm with the frenzied pace I have set. I try to forget she is watching. I concentrate solely on the image of a naked aroused Scully... one of her delicate hands caressing her ample breasts, the other working frantically and expertly rolling fingers through the damp auburn curls at her center. Oh God, yes! The tension is building in my loins. Faster and faster I pump, increasing the pressure and speed until I know my hand must be a blur. I am so close to coming, when I hear Scully's husky voice through the darkness. "Mulder, look at me." I open my eyes and Scully is standing at the foot of my bed... for a moment the line between fantasy and reality becomes indistinct. Is she really standing there naked at the foot of my bed? All my actions cease when she climbs up onto the bed and straddles me. My eyes never leave hers as she positions herself over my throbbing heat. She rubs her sex across my hardness and I feel her shiver. She is so incredibly wet. All I can think about is what it would feel like to be up inside her, surrounded by her hot, slick, silky walls. She's teasing me mercilessly now. Rubbing her slippery center back and forth, grinding her pelvis into me. The scent of her arousal is maddening. "For Godsake, Scully, fuck me or shoot me but please put me out of my misery." I beg through clenched teeth. She laughs the most wickedly erotic sound. My hands pull down on her hips, but she holds off for just a moment longer fighting me with the strong muscles of her shapely legs. And then she takes me, all of me, deep inside her. She's tighter than I expected. Scully's presence is so large sometimes I forget what a petite woman she really is. But as is always the case, she doesn't let her diminutive size stop her from going after what she wants. She swallows me up inside of her... all the way to the hilt. There is nothing quite so beautiful as the sight of Dana Scully as she moans and throws her head back, her flaming red hair spilling like silk over her creamy shoulders, her nipples erect and enticing. I feel her fingernails dig into my chest but I'm the last one who's going to complain in this situation. At this moment, my life is as close to perfect as it's ever going to be. Inside Scully is where I belong. It's where I've needed to be for so long. She starts to move up and down me, and I encourage her. "That's it. Give me all you've got, Scully. Don't hold back." She responds immediately, riding me harder, bringing me closer. My hands find there way up to her breasts. I roll her hard nipples between my fingers as I watched her do last night when she pleasured herself. It makes her wild. "More, Mulder." She rasps breathless. It really doesn't take all that much more. I squeeze a little harder and suddenly my beautiful mount is still save for the contractions that are threatening to pull me over the edge with her. I knead her breasts, and still my own body to watch the rapture of her orgasm unfold. Knowing I have given her this pleasure is almost enough for me. Almost... When she finally comes down and collapses over me, I roll us so I am now in control. She smiles up at me. I guide her to wrap her legs around my hips. "Hold on, Scully." I give her back a dark smile of my own. She stretches her hands up over her head and grips the headboard. "Go for it, G-man", she says to me in a throaty sex-laden voice that will be forever etched in my soul. And then I take Scully as I have always wanted to, hard and deep, thrusting into her with an intensity as relentless and overpowering as the passion I feel for her. Between the sensations in my groin and Scully's ardent coos, I am spilling into her in less time than I will ever admit to. Scully doesn't seem to mind the brevity of the performance though. Her eyes are sparkling. "I'm sorry." I tell her in all sincerity. She wrinkles her expressive brow. "Believe me, Mulder, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. That was... amazing." I carefully slip out of her and roll over to lay next to her on the bed. As I brush the damp strands of hair off her forehead, I make my apology clear. "Actually, Scully, I meant about last night. Though it's good to know I haven't disappointed you here today." She leans her head against my shoulder and traces her fingertips through the sweaty hairs on my chest. "Apology accepted... While we're on the subject though, I don't believe I ever got a proper apology for all those times you ditched me..." ~END~ Life is too short to drink bad wine.