From: Ladyhawk Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 12:38:53 GMT Subject: The Apologist by Ladyhawk, Slash TITLE: The Apologist AUTHOR: Ladyhawk EMAIL ADDRESS: funger1@hofstra.edu DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, just tell me, please replace the previous part 1 with this. SPOILER WARNING: season 6 RATING: NC-17 CLASSIFICATION: V, A, R Content warning: Slash, Mulder/Skinner SUMMARY: none DISCLAIMER: You think I own them? Yeah right, I can't even afford one of Mulder's ties. CC owns them all. Author's notes: This story is written for Amatia. Believe me, Amatia, parents don't always know best. I'm here. LH (Assume a M/Sk relationship different than any of my series.) The title and idea came from REM's album UP. Feedback welcome at funger1@hofstra.edu The Apologist by Ladyhawk (funger1@hofstra.edu) I've watched him fight his inner demons for years. I knew they were powerful. I knew they dragged him down. But I didn't realize how far down until tonight. He and Scully came in from a case in Wisconsin about two hours ago. Mulder fell into our bed, exhausted with barely a hello. I knew the case was a tough one. Any case involving children usually is for them. Luckily, Scully was able to discover what was keeping the teenagers from waking. Mulder was able to catch the chemist who was experimenting with the drug by putting it in the kids' sodas at a popular teen hangout/restaurant in the middle of town. But at what a cost to both of them. I was afraid to touch Mulder when he walked in the door. I knew it doesn't take much to destroy the fragile equilibrium he tries to establish at the end of these cases. But he accepted my hug gratefully. And then he went to bed. So I sit here in the chair next to the bed, watching my lover by the light of the streetlight outside. It's late, almost 1 am, but I can't sleep. And I want to watch over Mulder in some way. He usually doesn't let me do it when he's awake. But some instinct inside me said he needs it today. And the sight in front of me confirms it. Mulder's sleep is troubled. He tosses and turns on the king-sized bed, troubled by something in his dreams. I watch him carefully, hoping I don't have to wake him yet. Sleep heals many things, or at least stops the 'bleeding' so you can get on with the real healing process. But I know there's no healing going on in his sleep after twenty minutes of watching him. His tossing and turning ceases. As it does, he starts yelling. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! No, stop!" This only goes on for a minute or two before I climb on the bed and gently shake him awake. "Mulder. Mulder. Come on, wake up. It's only a dream." I hold his shoulder as he startles into consciousness. His eyes hold terror for the few seconds between dreams and reality. I want to lash out at whatever is in his dreams that hold that kind of fear for him. But I instead settle for enfolding Mulder in my arms as he falls into them. He rests his head on my shoulder as he sighs. I kiss the top of his head and clutch him to me. "Do you want to talk about it? Was it the case?" I feel his head shake again my shoulder. "It was the past. I, I thought I was beyond it." He clutches me tighter and I feel his tears being soaked up by my t-shirt. "Tell me, please?" What could be troubling him this much? He sighs. "I was sixteen. My father, he-- He--" "What did he do, Mulder?" I settle against the headboard of the bed, bringing him back against me. I whisper my question in his hair. "He caught me kissing another guy. We were on the back porch, where nobody could see. But my father walked out the back door just as we did it. Adam ran and left me to defend myself against Dad, who was furious." "What did your father do?" I am afraid I already know the answer at this point, but I have to ask. He buries his face in my shoulder. "He hit me, repeatedly. He pushed me against the bricks and banged my head. I tried to stop him. I told him I was sorry, and that I'd never do it again. But he didn't stop until he knocked me out. I woke up in my bed. Mom said he dragged me up there." I can only imagine how traumatizing the whole situation was for Mulder. But it explains a lot. Like his shyness in approaching me, his fear of being seen with me. His belief that I would think less of him because he was attracted to me. "He never let me forget that time. And he used it against me in everything I did. He made me think being with other guys was wrong." "Shhh." I smooth my hand down his hair. "Don't let your father trouble you now. He's gone. And you did nothing wrong there. Don't ever think you did. You made a choice, based on what you wanted. Nothing's wrong with that." I kiss his forehead and settle back, hoping he can sleep better now. "Walter?" I look down to see pleading in Mulder's eyes. "Tell me you love me." "Always, Mulder. I love you, your strength, your outrageousness. You've brought color to my life in ways that I've never dreamed possible." I bend to kiss him, and am greeted passionately. Mulder pulls me on top of him and molds his body to mine. "Love me. Give me the strength to fight my past." "I'll give you good memories to replace the old ones. I love you." I kiss his neck as he moans against me. My hands enflame has body quickly. He is like a torch in my arms. Within minutes, he is begging me to come inside him. I prepare us quickly and enter him. His moan is one of contentment. He smiles at me, sleepy- eyed. "I love you." I set our rhythm, and before long, our shouts echo through the room. I pull out of Mulder slowly and curve around his back. Mulder turns his head toward me. "I'm sorry about getting upset before. I should be over all this by now. but I'm not." I clutch Mulder more firmly to me. "Mulder?" "Hmm?" "Never apologize to me for being who you are." His small smile is the last thing I see before I fall asleep. -------------------------------------------------------- I wrote this to prove a point, so it's brief and rather vague in description. In the heart of the reason it was written, it will stay that way. Amatia, may white carnations grace your hair :) Feedback welcome at funger1@hofstra.edu www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Chateau/9659