Date: 24 Aug 1998 13:56:25 GMT From: XFILES718 Subject: AREA 51 1/2 FILES: SEIN-FILES (1/3) HUMOR/CROSS Title: Area 51 1/2 Files: Sein-files Authors: Megan Xfilr and Jen Phily Rating: Nothing more than a PG-13 will come out Jen's mouth ::Innocent grin:: MEGAN's mouth..is a whole 'nother story...I "meg" live in New York City so get those bleepers out! Stick with PG-13 Authors Note: JEN: ENJOY MEG: I just want to say SuP to my friends whom I am FORCING to read this and I want everyone to wave to my hamster Armageddon that most of you know if you a) know me from school and b) read my stories :::everyone waves:::: Ok so ON like with Like the show! Classification: CH Crossover-Humor Archive; Yup to Gossamer and everyone else just let us know when so we can see it Spoilers: Up to FTF^Å.general spoilers through out Keywords: Xfiles / Seinfeld Crossover Summary: Skinner forces his two *best * agents to help a friend in New York City with a stalker. This * friend* is VERY similar to a certain Jerry Seinfeld and his FRIENDS are, well, a WHOLE 'nother story. And when Scully tries a little * plan * to catch the crook, well, you gotta read it to find out! Feedback: JENXPHILY2@aol.com and XFILES718@aol.com Please send all mail to both^Åwe like constructive critism / flames / comments / flares / etc so let us know ASAP! Well this is our first piece together^Å.and Meg's first *real * story (she's only written vignettes). We hope you like and let us know if we should a) stick together b) get a restraining order againsts each other or c) something else that is really funny. DISCLAIMER: Mulder / Scully / Skinner are sole property of 1013 studios. Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Benes, Cosmo Kramer, George Costanza + family, Putty and all characters from Seinfeld are property of Sein Corp. and their affiliates. However! Muntz, the blonde, the biker, etc belong to both Jen and Meg and they will stay like that until you pry them from our cold dead fingers. Clear? Area 51 1/2 Files: Sein-Files By Megan Xfilr and Jen XPhily ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well I'm first so let's gooooo!! JP ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mulder fidgeted in his sit as he and Scully waited for the AD to come back to the office. They had been called down for some reason and Mulder thought maybe he was in trouble again. Or maybe His head needed waxed. Mulder didn't know. He turned to say something to Scully but Skinner walked in. His head shinny as ever; he walked over to his chair and sat down. "Sorry about the delay Agents. Thank you for coming." "So, what did you call us down here for?" Mulder asked obvious to the fact it wasn't for his head. "Well , I know this isn't your normal type of work, but I have a favor to ask of you which I hope you take." He leaned forward. "We have normal work?" Mulder asked. "What's the favor?" Scully asked ignoring Mulder's comment. "Well, I have a very good friend in New York who has a problem." He paused and looked at the agents. "He can't get a taxi driver?" Mulder asked. Scully shot him a look. Skinner once again ignored Mulder. "He has been stalk for the past few weeks and a couple days ago he was shot though his apartment window. Nothing serious, but the NYPD aren't doing a thing about it, and I would like to have my two best agents go and check it out. Find out who this bastard is." Mulder and Scully exchanged looks. Scully spoke, "Who is this friend sir?" She crossed her legs. "Jerry Seinfeld. I've known him since college." He started to click his pen. "So will you take it?" Mulder and Scully exchanged glances. "Anything for you sir." Scully answered. Mulder let out a deep sigh. Skinner looked at the two. "Thank you. I owe you both." He picked up a file and handed it to Scully." This is everything you will need to know. You have a quick flight in four hours so I advice you go now and get ready. I want you to report back to me once you have checked things out." He stood. "Yes, sir." Scully stood and Mulder did the same and they both exited. They past the secretary filing her nails, and headed out off the building. Once in his car, Mulder started thinking. He could have sworn he heard of Jerry Seinfeld before. He sighed at the thought of a *normal* case without aliens and conspiracies. He had a odd feeling though this wasn't going to be as normal as it sounded. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You go gal, Jen! Now...this WILL be weird because im a super-bonafide-crazy-wacko! MegX - da hyphen queen! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As Mulder started his car, Scully sat beside him glancing over the file. "Scully, where have I heard that name before?" Scully looked up, distracted. "Who?" "Jerry Seinfeld." Scully smiled. "Have you been in a closet for the last, like, 9 years?" Mulder raised his eyebrow. "No, I've been under Skinner's authority. Does that count?" Scully yet again ignored him. "He was that guy in the Herald. He pitched that show to NBC, 'Jerry' with his pal George something-or-other...." Scully was rotating her hand...in the motion of Mulder opened his mouth in an acknowledgemenatal nod. "Right, that's him? And why are they stalking *him?*" Scully opened the file. "He says that the Japanese executives were offended by something on a variety show he was doing...I'm really not that sure. The police report was very simple, ' Seinfeld, Jerry suspected that people were stalking him due to a mishap on a variety show.' That's it. " Mulder nodded. "Something isn't right." "How's that?" "I mean, they didn't take him seriously?" "Mulder, this is New York City. Unless he's dead, they don't take it seriously. Would you?" "What do you think, Scully? I think the police are in on the stalking." Scully rolled her eyes. "Listen, stop pitching the conspiracy ideal." Mulder shook his head, "Scully, just get this. The men in blue want to get rid of him because of some^Åsomething. I don't know what...yet. And they don't take it seriously because *they* are actually doing the whole stalking thing. They didn't kill him...so now I'm wondering if someone in the police force was *very* recently fired. " Scully blew a frustrated breath. "Mulder, there are hundreds of police officers. Hundreds get fired, hundreds get hired and I bet you hundreds disappear and are never reported. This isn't some small suburb of Kansas or Nebraska, Mulder. This is *the* city. WITH the highest murder rate." "All the reason to accept any theory." Scully hit the window of the car. "Mulder! Listen...fine. Maybe the Men In Blue really did attack him.... maybe there was a whole conspiracy to murder a regular everyday man--" "Who was a comedian as an occupation." "Yes...a regular everyday comedian...maybe they wanted to pitch 'Jerry' for themselves..." "That's an idea." "And! Get this Mulder...I may be an African Wildboar cloned genetically to appear as a human and work undercover for the Pig Police in the FBI." Mulder looked at her with genuine fear. He moved in his seat to the left. "Possible, Scully." Scully groaned in her throat. "Arrrr." "But then, on your driver license, wouldn't your hair be the color *sable* ?" "It was a suggestion! A jab at possibility!" "Scully, you've opened my eyes. I can't trust anyone anymore!" And with that...they stopped at gate 6 of Dolittle Airport. "Mulder, you may be wary but let me let you know, unless you apologize, you aren't taking the flight." "And how is that?" "Because I have the tickets," Scully smiled slyly. Mulder hit the steering wheel. He opened the door and said, "Scully! Did I ever tell you that I love sable swine?" "Can it Mulder." "Fine, I'm sorry!" Mulder cringed as a ticket was thrown into his face. He bent down, picked it up, and ran to Scully. X---X---X As Scully got onto the ramp to leave the plane, she sensed the difference in ambiance. The ramp was ratty, and had too many stains to count. After 2 hours on a plane that had enough turbulence to knock out anyone's dentures, Scully wasn't in the mood to be nauseous. As she looked for Mulder, a man knocked into her. The man kept moving. Scully thought. She didn't see Mulder...a lot of the people there were tall with brown hair and trench coats. She saw him exiting the ramp and she ran to catch up. She plowed into an older man. "Pardon me!" she said. The man looked up...it was Harrison Ford. He smiled and said, "At least you didn't do that on purpose!" Before Scully could gush, he was gone. She shook her had and ran off the ramp. Mulder had their bags and was smiling, "You saw him, too?" "Harrison Ford?" Mulder smirked. "No...I just saw Matt Damon." Scully smiled. "I just saw Harrison Ford." "And you two are so definitely tourists that I am wondering why someone hasn't mugged you yet," a middle-aged gentleman said. He had glasses and was holding a half-open Wall Street Journal. He *screamed* banker or investor and Scully just said, "Actually we're not. And look, there is Larry Flint." The man turned around with his hand outstretched to shake Flint's hand. The hand slapped air. Scully smiled, "Welcome to New York." With that, they left the airport. Mulder said, "I'm going to get the car." ~~~~~~~~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jen its ur turn! Make it just as cooky! ~~~~~~~~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey Meg..this is tooo tight stuff...well the 12 cans of coke are about to show though!!! Jen ~~~~~~~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After finding out that they had lost their rental car reservation, Mulder was forced to get a black chevette. After squeezing his body into the drivers seat, Scully and him decided to head toward the police station. Scully was hiding a smile as she looked at Mulder than back out the window. Mulder noticed, "Is it really that amusing?" "Hmm?" She asked acting innocent. "Don't toy with me Scully. I saw that smile on your face." He tried moving his leg but hit the dash-board instead. "Me Mulder? Toy? With you?" She looked out the window. "Hey Mulder." "What?" He glanced her way. "I think you just past the police station." She was pointing out the window in a look-we-are-driving-right-by-it-manner. "What?!" Mulder pulled over slammed on his brakes causing them to both fling forward. Scully thought she just saw her life past before her eyes when Mulder did an illegal U-turn. "Mulder! You're nuts! You know how many cops are around here!" He grinned." Yeah but this is FBI business Scully, we got rights." He stopped in front the station finally. As he tried to get out his leg got caught and he fell flat on his face. From the passenger side Scully saw him up, than saw him down. She ran to the other side. "Mulder you all right?" Mulder looked up at her, his suit now covered in dirt. He got up and tried brushing himself off. "At least now I fit in." He said looking at a very amused Scully. "I guess you gotta go in like that Mulder." She commented. He looked at her, sighed and started for the door. As he did, he thought, X~~~X~~~~X In the police station, Scully looked around.She thought. A few hookers in the corner; a guy with a big "Bite Me" tattoo on his head, who looked like some people actually took literally. "You say your who?" The cop at the front desk asked Mulder. "Special Agent Fox Mulder form the FBI and this is Dana Scully." He motioned to Scully. "Just Dana Scully? No Special Agent?" The cop raised a eyebrow. Mulder gave a frustrated sigh. "Yeah, she is a special agent too. Now, we are here to see the someone who can help us with a case." The cop looked him up and down, noticing the dirt marks on him. "You say you're from the FBI?" Scully saw that look in Mulder's eye and knew he was going to blow any second. She placed a hand on his are and spoke, "Yes we are from the FBI and we are here to investigate the shooting and stalking of one Jerry Seinfeld. Who would we speak to about it?" She gave a warm smile and the fat little cop. The cop returned the smile, "You would talk to...um...Det.Muntz.Here,I'll um...go get him." The man got up and walked to the back. Mulder looked at Scully. Scully looked at him and smiled back. "Advantages of being a Wildboar Mulder." Before he could answer the fat little cop came back again. As he walked towards them Mulder pictured the Marshmallow man form "Ghostbusters". "Come this way." He said smiling at Scully. He escorted them to Det.Muntz office. The came in and sat down. Det.Muntz looked up over his glasses at them. "Hello, you're Agents Muder and Scully?" He asked extending his hand. "MUL-der." Mulder corrected as he took his hand. "Yeah,yeah,right." He looked between the two. "So you wanna know about the...Jerry Seinfeld case right?" "Yes, that is correct. We were wondering what you know about him. If you have found out anything." Scully said while crossing her legs. Mulder noticed that move. "Well, Jerry,He is a little wacko. He has funny friends. We really haven't bothered with the case. Got to many other important stuff to do." He leaned forward toward the agents. "Weird friends how?" Mulder said. Det.Muntz looked at Mulder and noticed for the first time he was covered in dirt. "Nice threads there buddy. Just weird Friends." Mulder stiffened again at that remark. "Where does this Jerry live?" Scully asked. Muntz handed her a piece of paper." There. You're probably be able to find his friends too. Little wacko's." He stood up. "If you two don't mind I have work to do. If you need anything let me know ok?" "Thank you for your time." Scully got up and exited and Mulder followed. Mulder caught up. "Don't you think that's strange?" "What now?" She asked irritatedly. "The way he pushed us off and about his friends. I tell you something is going on here." Scully started to ignore him and walked further ahead. As they exited the building a Blonde-head woman stopped Mulder in his tracks. "Hey, big boy, wanna go over to my place?" She said rubbing her hands on Mulder chest. "Well...ah...I..um.." Mulder stammered. Scully looked behind her and saw what was going on. She stormed up to the girl and pushed her out the way." Back-off Blondie this 'Big boy' is mine." She grabbed Mulder by the tie and drug him partly to the car and shoved him into the passenger seat. She got in the drivers seat and started the car. "What did you do that for?" Mulder demaned. "Mulder you were a babbling piece of Jell-o." Scully looked over to Mulder. "I wouldn't say Jell-o,Scully, Maybe meat." He glanced at her and gave a playful smile. "Whatever Mulder." Scully looked straight ahead. "Where's the apartment at again?" Mulder fumbled for the paper and looked at it. He gave off some directions and Scully went were she was told. "Scully?" Mulder looked over at her. "What?" "Can we go to the Motel first so I can change my clothes? No one will take me seriously like this." He looked at her again. "No one does anyhow, so what's the difference?" She remarked. Mulder gave a playful hurt look. "That's cold Scully. But not even you Scully?" She shot him a you-know-what-I-mean-so-stop-talking look. They continued to head to Jerry's apartment in hopes of getting some answers and of getting out of this city. ~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ok Meg,Didn't get to wild yet...But I'm waiting for the good part! I pass the baton to you now!Get crazy! Jen ~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jen, you're asking for trouble! This is puurfect! As for getting crazy..cant I just be myself? MegX ~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Mulder, we are approaching the building; think we might want to start scouring for a parking spot?" Scully inquisited. "Nonsense. We'll find one closer." "Last I heard they were making a lot of new cars but no new parking spots, Mulder." "Scully, listen, if everyone here already *found * a parking spot, why cant we?" "Because, A we are tourists, B we are not used to fighting for car spaces and C, I'm not in the mood to circle this side of New York City more than twice." "Well Scully, this car can fit into the smallest spaces." "Right Mulder, why don't you pack it into your pocket." Scully said in an amused tone. They drove silently, hoping for a parking spot right infront of the building. To none of their surprise^Åthey passed the building. "Would you look at that?" Mulder said, pointing past Scully. "That motorcycle is taking up a whole place for a car!" A large man, three times Stalone, came out of the café behind the motorcycle in a leather jacket, leather pants and a leather bandana. Scully thought. "Sir, are you moving?" Scully asked, knowing Mulder was intimidated. The man looked at them, drifted his head to the right and left like sizing them up and in a slow gait approached the window that Scully was facing. He put his arms on the window frame and opened his mouth to speak. "Wayel, I gess you can take this parr-kin spot. I was sooooooo inconsiderrate to take soooo much space. Pleeeaaase forgive me." The girley tone that came out of the bikers mouth topped Mike Tyson's and Samuel Stein's hands down. Mulder was about to giggle but he bit his tongue down. Scully, on the other hand said, "Thank you very much." The biker nodded and went to his Harley. Vrmmm, Vrmmm! He sped off, leaving a nice array of dirt, smoke and cigarette's in the agents' faces. Mulder parallel parked with ease. Scully reminded him to close the windows and put the Club on^Å."We did not get theft insurance on the car, knowing you." She said with a nod of her finger in a scolding tone. When they exited the vechicle, Mulder arched his back and a large crack filled the NYC street. Scully stifiled a giggle. XXX Scully thought. "What's the number of his apartment?" "I dont know but Im guessing it's the apartment with the police ribbon on it?" Scully looked down the hall. Sure enough, a band of yellow ribbon covered a door. She sighed and went over to it. She tore it off of the nails that held it up. "How do we get in?" Mulder looked surprised^Å"I thought you got a key from the police station^Å" It was Scully's turn to look surprised. "No, I thought you were going to do that." They both turned to the door. "Oh, shit." Scully raised her eyes heavenward. An idea hit her^Åshe dug into her pocket coats and produced a bobby pin. She smiled as she stuck it in the door lock and twisted it while pushing up. The lock clicked. As Scully opened the door, Mulder looked awe-ish. "What, you've never been locked out of your house before?" "No." Scully raised an eyebrow. She turned to look inside the apartment. A small gasp escaped her lips. Scratching the fact that the window to the left of them behind his computer had a small, spider web hole in it and there was a splatter of blood on the wall to left of the window., the apartment looked clean, fancy and, well, non masculinish. "Scully, I believe we may have found your future husband." "Huh?" "I mean, come on, this guy was obsessive compulsive to make Jack Nicholson in As Good As Its Gets like a slobbery hound of the Baskervilles." Scully rolled her eyes. But, the apartment was sterile; everything had a place and a place had everything. Scully walked over to the counter of the kitchen to the north-east of the door. She wiped her hand on it^Å.not a crumb. She glanced in the sink^Åit was shinier than her watch. Glancing at the cabinets, she noticed that the plates were all the same style and were all stacked according to size. "I believe you may be right, Mulder." She looked at the couch. It was an old thing but was clean and used. Mulder called to Scully, "Im going to check out the bedroom, look around here, ok?" Scully nodded but Mulder didn't need to hear a response. He walked to the bedroom. Scully looked at the table behind the couch. It was fake mahogany with the scratches that made it look more homey^Åmore used. The chairs looked uncomfortable but, then again, it is a *male * house. Mulder came back from the bedroom. "Nice bed but probably never got anything good in it. Wears your basic shirts and jeans and pants but also has 3 suits and a tuxedo. Wears a size 10 shoe, 11 sneakers. Needs a wake up into the 90's. How'd you do here?" "He's a regular guy. Is very clean, very particular but I don't see why anyone could hate som----" The door to the apartment slammed open. A tall man in messy, curly hair burst into the room, chest first. He looked around like a scared rabbit. "Hello," he said to the duo. He slid into the kitchen, grabbed open the refrigerator and sparked out an apple and a bottle of Evian. He nodded his head as he shimmeyed into the main room. He stopped short and the bottle of water went FLYING out of his hand and whacked Mulder on his forehead. Mulder bent down in shock. "Oh, Im sooooo sorry. Wait a second, who are you?" He stepped away. "My name is Dana--" Scully started but was cut off by a "Rattttttttt!" coming from the man's mouth along with a jittered hand movement. Mulder stood up, holding his head. "We are Federal Agents." "Who are you?" the man asked. "As I *started * my name is Dana Scully and this is Fox Mulder. We work for the FBI." "Who are you?" Mulder asked. "Im Jerry's neighbor from across the hall. He lets me eat his food. Im Kramer." Scully nodded. "Can you spare a moment? We'd like to ask you a few questions." Crunccchh! Kramer ate his apple as he spoke, "Sure, it not like ~~munch~~ I have anything better to ~~munch~~ do." Mulder motioned to the table behind the couch that Scully was admiring before hand. Kramer pulled a chair back and it hit the adjoining wall. "Ratttt!" He took the chair and pushed it under him as he sat down. A large scratching noise filled the apartment as he pulled closer to the table. Scully looked at Mulder with yet another look, Scully was never wrong about these things. ~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Opportunity knocking Jen! Read the e-mail! And is that crazy enough? It was 3 am^Å.and not even Pepsi could keep me up. MegX ~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oh...I just love this part!Once agian I'm high on Coke! JP ~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mulder watched impatiently as Kramer continued to eat his apple and talk at the same time. "So you say you~crunch~from the FBI?" "Yes," Scully started, "We would...." she was cut of by Kramer yelling "Ratttt." and jerkedly getting up out of his seat and throwing the rest of the apple away. Mulder and Scully exchanged glances. Kramer sat back down and looked at them. Scully cautiously started." We would...like to know how well you know Jerry Seinfeld." She took out a notepad and sat it in front of her. Kramer took a sip from his bottle. "Pretty darn good." He nodded his head up and down. "Do you like Jerry?" Mulder asked. "Well,yeah,sure." He looked over to Mulder "Did Jerry tell you about anything that had been going on?" Scully asked. Kramer nodded his head. "OH yeaaah.He told me about the calls and everything." He took another jerky sip from the bottle and some spilled on him. He quickly wiped it off. "Do you know anyone who would do this?" Scully shifted a little in her seat. Kramer fidgeted a moment than said, "Well ,everyone loved Jerry. You know that show Everybody loves Raymond?" He asked. "Um..no sorry." Scully said looking at Mulder like oh-my-god-how-did-we-ever-get-into-this?. "Well," He said flying his arms in the air wildly, "Everybody Loves Jerry." Mulder put his head in his hands than said, "Does anyone NOT love Jerry?" Kramer thought, "Well, there is the Soup Nazi." Scully looked at Mulder than said in disbelief, "The Soup Nazi?" She scribbled something in her notebook. "Oooh yeah. He makes the best soup...But you gotta do things his way or else you don't get your soup!" Kramer threw his hands in the air again. "And Jerry didn't do things his way?" Mulder asked exasperated. "Oh no...Jerry did what he was told." Kramer nodded. "You're a fool if you don't." Scully thought. Than she said aloud, "So why does this Soup Nazi not like Jerry?" "He just doesn't. Jerry messed up one time and the Soup Nazi made him leave. But Jerry tried coming back, oh yeah, he tried, but nothing worked." Kramer turned in his seat a little. Mulder nodded his head." Ok.Does Jerry have any other friends?" Kramer nodded his head excitedly," Oh yeah. George and Elaine. We are all good friends." Scully again scribbled in her notebook. "How well do you know them?" "Oh well, real well." "Do you think any of them would try to hurt Jerry?" Scully again asked. "George and Elaine?! Never!" Kramer threw his right arm in the air again. Scully sighed a aggravated sigh." Anyone else you know who might try to hurt him?" Kramer thought." Newman." Mulder and Scully exchanged looks. "Who is this Newman?"Mulder asked. "Newman, Newman is evil." Kramer shook is head. "How so?" Mulder again asked. "He just is! He doesn't like Jerry. We don't tend to like him. He just sorta is there." Kramer took another drink. "So where does this Newman live?" Scully wondered. "He lives here in this apartment building." Kramer looked around the apartment a little bit than told them the exact apartment number. "Well...have you seen anything strange lately?"Mulder finally asked running a hand threw his hair. "No^Ånothing that isn't not normal." Kramer looked at Mulder. Scully got a confused look. "Do you believe in Aliens Kramer?" "Me? Oh yeah, yeah, Who doesn't?" He said very seriously but also throwing that good ol' hand up in the air again. Scully shot Mulder a don't-say-a-word look and continued, "Ok^Åwell thanks for your time Mr.Kramer." "Oh, its just Kramer."He nodded. "Ok...Kramer." She smiled and stood up, Mulder the same. Kramer Popped up and went back to the fridgerater to grab one more thing out and he jerked the door open and sorta slided on out. Slamming the door behind him as he did. "Nice guy." Mulder commented. "Mulder...He is crazy." Scully said walking towards the door. "Why? Cause He believes in aliens?" Mulder asked. Scully shot him a look. " Mulder..common,the soup nazi? What is wrong with this city?" "High smog pollutants." Mulder said. Scully dismissed what he said and looked at her notepad. "Well we got 4 people here to talk to. Who you want first?" "How about Newman, monty?" Mulder said impersonating the English show. Scully looked up at him. "Ok...he's closet anyhow." Scully went to swing the door open but Mulder was in the way,so he got smacked in the face.Mulder grabbed his face and bent over. "Owww" Scully gasped. "Oh my god Mulder. You ok? I'm so sorry." She bent down by him. He lifted his hand off his face to reveal a red mark on his forehead and nose. "Scully, I know your irritated at me, but come on." He got back up agian and Scully looked at his face. "At least now you match your clothes." She turned on her heels and went out the door before Mulder could comment. As they made there way down the hall towards Newman's apartment, Mulder kept rubbing his head and hoping this would the worst thing that would happen to him. XXnextXX part 2 Area 51 1/2: Sein-Files..part 2/3 ~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ok Meg,Not to out there,but I think I gave you plenty to do with Newman!And once again I hand you the torch! ~JP ~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jen, jen, jen. I just drank 9 liters of Surge and This is gonna be crazy! People, if your one of those dumb People that like newman^Å^Åyou have been warned. ::carries torch up high^Å..gets burned::: ~MeGX ~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "This is the apartment," Mulder said, still rubbing his forehead. He made a mental note to never to irritate her as badly as he did her. Scully rapped on the door, bringing back the memories of that strange man. Kramer^Å.very odd name. Scully's thoughts were interrupted and Mulder's mental notepad closed as the door opened revealing^Å..a prime example of the Pillsbury Dough-boy. "How may I help you?" "Mr. Newman? Im Special Agent Dana Scully and this is Agent Mulder, we are from the FBI and we'd like to ask you a few questions." The door opened wider. "Perfectly fine with me^Å.you beautiful example of a federal employee." His voice seemed right for Shakespeare^Åonly speaking on the "outs" of his breath. "Please come right in." Scully stepped in and held the door for Mulder. She could see Newman plan a homicidal inaction to get rid of his *competition *. As they walked over to an old, ratty couch in the center of the messy living room, Newman disappeared for a minute. Mulder bent over to Scully, "This is going to be fun!" Scully gave him a look. "Dare I ask why?" "Because he is the absolute first person I have ever seen shorter than you!" Mulder squatted in pain from the rib penetration Scully administered on him. Newman returned in a cleaner, shirt. Even in this denim dress shirt, he resembled little "Whoo-hoo!" boy. He was short, stout and his head seemed to be stretching from the rest of his body in a permanent arch. His red face was bulging like a Shar-Pei's^Åflabby and sick looking. His nose was worse than Mulder's which is to say what type of popularity this man might have. His face was also beet-red and he was sweating profusely. His glasses just proclaimed the fact that he was missing all aspects of style. His curly hair was greased and Mulder wondered if his house was equipped with a shower. Or running water. "If you were a swine^Åyou've just met a kine!" Mulder whispered to Scully. Mulder dodged this elbow, luckily. Newman sat down in the couch. The furniture whooffed! As if the whole world had just sat down. In approximate, it just had. He montioned to 2 rickety chairs on which the duo sat. Newman folded his hands on his getting-sweatier-by-the-minute shirt. He smiled at Scully, showing the need for caps. Or at least a dental Mr. Wizard. "Now, what are these^Åquestions^Ågoing to be centered on?" "Well," Mulder began, "A neighbor told us of your ill intentions of a^ÅJerry Seinfeld." Newman's face grew evil before their eyes as if Kai's Power Goo was inact on a really fast IBM Aptiva. "Seinfeld^Å..was a disgrace to^Å.this building." "Why is that?" Mulder asked. "Seinfeld^Å..was^Åfunny." Scully arched her eyebrow. "That certainly isn't a motive in attempting Murder!?" Newman laughed, "Miss Scully^Å.Dana^Å..this is New York^Å..people will attempt the most unplausible^Å.of crimes^Å.for revenge^Å.is sweeter^Åthan any sugar^Å.in your coffee." At the word unplausible, Mulder stepped on Scully shoe while coughing.. "couKINEgh!" Luckily, Scully was in the middle of a question; "How was your relationship with Mr. Seinfeld?" Newman's face twitched. Scully noticed it. "We^Å^Åwere not^Å..the best^Å..of friends^Å^ÅI^Å Dated^Å..his friend^Å..Elaine^Å^Å.but^Å..I^Å..alas was not worthy^Å.of Elaine's^Å.eternal love^Å..I hope that will change^Å.within time^Åon any woman." Scully nodded. "We^Å..would never^Å..hurt^Å.anyone." he continued. Mulder thought, "Miss^Å.Scully^Åwould you be interested^Å.. in a drink^Åof the third nature?" Newman said^Å.approaching Scully with the eyes of a love-sick puppy. Scully thought. "I'd like a coke." Mulder asked. Newman did not respond. Scully sighed, "Make me a coke." Newman smiled, "Ah^Åthe drink^Åof the divine!" He waddled off into the abyss of his apartment. The moment the chubby little man disappeared from view, Mulder replied, "Don't you drink diet?" Scully turned to Mulder, 'He knows something. I don't know what^Åbut he slipped." Mulder cocked his eyebrow. "How?" "He said^Å'We would never do anything'...who is this we? I never mentioned anyone else." Scully was biting her bottom lip. Mulder shrugged, "He seems like the kind of man who doesn't know what he is doing." "I have a hunch though. He did this Mulder. " "If hunches were dollars^Å" "..I would be poor and you'd be the Warbucks." Mulder laughed. "Do you think he's gonna bring me a coke?" Scully ignored him. "Mulder, I have an idea so play along, alright?" Mulder nodded but Scully noticed he was stiffling a giggle. Mulder could barely hold it in. They waited endlessly for the man in silence. Newman returned with one glass of regular coke. He smiled and handed it to Scully. She smiled and held it out to Mulder. Mulder smiled and Newman looked suicidal. Mulder thought. Newman shook it off. Scully smiled sweetly. She got up off her chair and moved onto the couch next to Newman. Mulder looked like Scully's tumor had changed course towards her *common sense * cortex. "Newman, you seem like a^Å.very interesting man^Å" Scully crooned. She was doing a great impression of Marilyn Monroe from "Some Like it Hot." Mulder was impressed. "Listen,^ÅNewmie^Å hows about you and me get together tonight?" Coca-Cola Classic just sprayed from Mulder's nose. Mulder was trying to hide the fact that a) he was choking and that b) his partner had officially lost it. " I wont be here long and I would so like for us to savor^Åthis opportunity," Scully continued. Newman smiled. "Anything for you^Å.my sweet little agent." "Fine, Newman. Ill be here at 8 PM..that's in 8 hours. Make sure everything is nice and^Åsensual," Scully said as she got up and nodded to Mulder. "Lets go Mulder. Later^ÅNewmie." Scully left the apartment. Mulder looked at Newman, who was sweating worse than a hostage taker who was about to be overcome by the negotiator. Mulder wiped the rest of the coke from his face and blazer and nodded to the fat male. He exited. The moment the door closed to the messy apartment, Mulder exploded; "Scully! Of all people..I didn't laugh at Ed Jerse, I did not laugh at Rob but this is crossing the line! Of all people! Fat, little, Newman!" Mulder's voice was as high as the Chanel Woman. Scully smiled. "That was the plan." "Scully, when I meant he was of kine I did not^Å.what? THAT'S your plan?" "Yeah. Ill get him in the *heat * of the moment and he might confess." "Just don't burn^ÅScully, that guy sweats worse than Skinner's head." Scully raised her eyebrow. "Anyway, that's my plan. Let's go interview^Åthis^ÅElaine Benes. Then, we can go interview this George Coztanza. And If we have time, we go see Jerry and find out about this Soup Nazi." Mulder nodded and said, "Scully?" "Yes?" "Please don't do the wild thing. I'm begging you. It will give me nightmares. Go out with Frohike, start seeing Jerry Springer, I don't care if you marry Ellen Degeneres! Just don't with Newman. Please. For my sanity.'' Scully smiled. "Ellen Degeneres? Do you think I am THAT desperate? "At this point, I don't know." Scully put her hand on his shoulder, "Don't worry. He's ugly. Plus, he reminds me of Frohike. I might hurl in his bed." Mulder opened his eyes. "So you ARE going--" "Mulder, the subject is closed. Just live it up." "I just hope he keeps his pants up." Scully smacked his jacket sleeve. "Lets go see Ms. Benes." ~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I really pushed the Scully/Other Law. No one Slaughter me. But I cant wait to see what You say with Elaine! I think Mulder wants to Shock Scully the same way^Åwhatdya say?" ::Hands torch to JP::: MeGX ~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ::Takes torch with pride:: Oh..I'm gonna have fun with this part! Let's see how jealous we can make 'em all! JP ~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the way to see Elaine Benes' thoughts kept going though Mulder's mind.Bad thoughts. Evil, repusive thoughts of the Pillsbury DoughBoy and Scully doing the wild thing. He shook his head to dismiss the picture as they walked up to the door. Scully knocked. A brown-headed woman came to door. Looking very nice in the blouse and slacks she was wearing. "May I help you?" She asked. Scully saw out the corner of her eye Mulder's jaw drop faster than people running after Beanie Baby's when there on sale. "We are looking for a Elaine Benes." "You're talking to her." Elaine leaned against the door. Scully pulled out her badge. "I'm Special Agent Dana Scully and this is my partner Fox Mulder. We are here to ask you some question about Jerry Seinfeld." Elaine's eyes got big and she glanced over at Mulder and smiled." Oh please, come in." She stood out the way and let them past on into her apartment. After shutting the door she looked back and forth between the two. "Can I get you a drink?" "No thanks I'm fine." Scully said. "I'll um...Take a coke please." Mulder said staring thoughtfully at Elaine. Elaine left than emerged with a can of coke and handed it to Mulder. Mulder looked at her and smiled. "Thank you." Scully thought she was going to gag at the display of hormones. "So um...Ms Benes." Mulder began. "Just call me Elaine." She said grinning. And than took a seat opposite Mulder and Scully...But a little more close to Mulder. Mulder hesitated. "Elaine...How well do you know Jerry Seinfeld?" He leaned forward towards her resting his arms on his legs. "We're like this." She crossed her fingers. "So you know him pretty well than." Mulder continued looking at her. Scully thought she was going to puke right there in the room. Maybe if she aimed right she could hit Mulder. "Yes. We go way back." She nodded her head and continued to look him. "What do you know about what's been happening?" Mulder cocked his head to one side. "I know Jerry had said someone was threatening him and leaving weird messages on and stuff." She finally looked over Scully than back to Mulder. "Do you know anyone who would want to kill him?" He got serious. "Well, not really. Except maybe if they wanted to claim full right to hid show 'Jerry', and they wanted his comedy act..."She paused, "But why would we wanna do that?" She smiled. Mulder nodded. "What are you doing tonight Elaine?" Mulder was straightforward. Scully's got a surprised look and so did Elaine. "Nothing...why?" "Well, you seem like a very nice woman Elaine and I was hoping for maybe a drink or something tonight." He took hold of her hand and gave that irresistible smile of his. Scully's jaw hit the floor. "Oh.. well..um."She giggled a little."Ok yeah sure." "How's 8 o'clock sound?" He asked. "That's fine. Perfectly fine." She looked she was going to faint. "Ok than." He let go of her hand and stood up. "Thank you for your time." He looked back at the perplexed Scully, "You coming or do you want to wait till the new season of Mad About You comes on?" Scully shook her head to snap out of her stocked state. "Oh yeah...I'm coming." Elaine said goodbye and Mulder kissed her hand and they left. Scully looked at Mulder. "What are you doing!" "What do you mean what am I doing?" He asked She pointed frantically back towards Elaine's apartment. "Going out with Ms. Nitwit back there." Mulder glanced at her and smiled. "Do I detect jealousy coming from you Ms. Scully? Scully stopped. "Oh no Mulder...We have a case to do and you decide to go out with someone you met for 15 minutes?" Mulder reacted. "Hey, I'm not the one going out with the Pillsbury dough boy's brother. Besides I got a hunch about her." "Oh...right you have a hunch." She shook her head. "Yes, I do. Notice she said 'we' too. "He raised his eyebrow as if to say ah-ha-I-won. "So?" "So!? She might be working with Marshmallow man back there." He pointed in no particular direction. Scully stopped obvious to the fact she lost the fight."Fine,Mulder,Just don't try anything. Remember Phoebe Green?" Mulder grinned at the thought. "Don't worry Scully I'll consult you first. "He said mockingly. She elbowed him and after his recover said, "Ok so now it's on to George Costanza." She started walked towards the car and Mulder followed. ~~~~XXX~~~~~~~ Woo-hoo couldn't help myself...had to get them Jealous. Ok Meg...lets see your stuff. ::goes to past the torch...but drops it::Oops! JP ~~~~XXX~~~~~~~ Jen, jen, jen. Its 5:30 in the morning. I just Had 4 bowls of cocoa-crisps and I am So hypes I am practically hitting the keyboard with Every key. George is going to be on unhappy camper^Å. Just wait till you see who's with him^Åhehehehe. MeG :::::Picks up flaming torch, smiles, gets her hair caught in the flame::::::: MeGX ~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~ Scully was glowering. That little cheesecake! FOX MULDER was upset that SHE was going out with BISCUIT MAN so he is DATING a bonafide-insaniarium-pyschopathic-dipstick New Yorker! Scully thought. All the while, as Mulder was driving past W45th Street, Mulder had never felt so good in his life. It was no damn secret that he and Scully had the slightest bit of endearment going on between them. And he counter-balanced it all with Scully being more jealous that a Frilled Lizard. Besides, with a lady * that * dumb would probably play easy to get. Mulder grinned. "Scully, don't you think we should call George Costanza before we go there? I mean, we might be lucky that he's home but maybe he works?" Scully nodded. She took out her cell phone and carefully dialed the number. She pressed send and placed it to her ear. "HEloo." Scully looked startled. "Hello is Mr. Costanza there?" "Speaking. What can I do you for?" "My name is Agent Scully and I would like to ask you a few questions about the stalking of a Jerry Seinfeld." "Oh, ok. Im not busy but my frozen veal scallopini will be ready in 10 minutes so like make it quick. "Mr. Constanza, I was interested in interrogating you in person." "Oh, OH, no problem. Im going to have some people over but they all knew Jerry so you can kill 5 birds with one stone!" His laugh had a never-started-gonna-finish quality and Scully found interesting. "Thank you; my partner and I will be there in approximately 15 minutes." 'Hey, NO problem. Bye." Scully closed the cell phone. "He is going to have people who knew Jerry over so he said we could kill most of the birds with one stone." Mulder nodded. "Oh, look a parking spot." Mulder turned the car wheel and slid into the parking spot. "Look," he said as he backed-up to parallel park, "its right infront of the building. Damn we're all getting lucky today." Scully pursed her lips. "Funny.'' Lets go. Mulder slapped the club on the wheel and got out of the car. His knees started cracking like popcorn. "What do your rice krispies say to you, Mulder?" Scully smiled with a look I-can-be-funny-if-I-want-to. Mulder returned it with a funny-Scully-but-YOUR-the-one-going-out-with-flour-boy. Scully gave him THE look by any other name. Mulder smiled sans subliminal messages and they walked up the steps of the apartment building. As Mulder opened the front door, a hit of Chinese cooking/raid/air freshner/potatoes/bleach hit him. Scully went inside and looked on the call box. "Costanza,^Å^Å.Costanza^Å^Å..Costanza^Åhere!" she muttered She pressed the button with the corresponding name A second later a voice crackled, "You the agents?" Scully said, "Yeah," in the voice louder-than-usual-and-higher used when talking through call boxes. The door was buzzed open and Mulder ran to grab it. Scully pushed it open and lightly holding it for her partner. "Which way?" Mulder guffawed at the 3 possible choices. "Its just another choice in the fork of the road. This is the time of you life!" Mulder said, ad libbing the Greenday Song. Scully sighed and said, "You sing just as badly as you cook." "Hey my cooking is not THAT bad!" "You tried to give some to Queequeg and he was sick for 4 days!" "The dog just doesn't digest spam! Nothing wrong with that!" Scully said, "Turn back to the matter at hand. Which way?" Mulder stuck out his finger and said, "eenie, meenie, minie, mo!" "Fine the first one," Scully said. As they entered the narrow hallway, she noticed that were mailboxes. She stopped and looked for Costanza on this side. There he was, clear as day. Scully hated to admit Mulder was right. She hated to admit it a lot lately. XXX Getting of the immensely slow elevator, they looked at the door names. At the end of the hall on the right, it said Constanza. Mulder knocked. A short, balding man in glasses opened the door. "Agents Mulder and Scully? Come in^Å" the man spoke quickly as he gestured him in. Sitting around a room with shirts everywhere, newspapers and old paper plates and Chinese take out cartons, were 2 men and a woman. The woman and one of the men were older while the other was huge, tall and about Scully's age. "Mom, dad, Putty, these are agent Scully and Mulder. They're here to talk about Jerry." The older man spoke up, "MY GEORGE DIDN'T DO NOTHING!" The man screamed in a horse tone. "LITTLE GEORGIE WOULD NEVER HURT HIS BEST FRIEND." "FRAAANNK! LEAVE THE PEOPLE ALLOOONNNE!" The older woman yelled in probably a quiet tone to her husband. Quiet, that is, by her standards. Mulder looked like he had been slapped in the face. "LISTEN DEAR, WHY WOULD A SHORT WOMAN CARRYING A GUN COME TO GEORGIE!" "FRANK! THEY ARE JUST HERE ABOUT THE SEINFELD INCIDENT!" Frank shook his head. "COINCIDENCE! THEY WANT HIM IN JAIL BECAUSE OF THAT LIBRARY BOOK!" "HEY!" Scully screamed. Mulder looked taken aback. "Im just here to ask a few general questions on Jerry Seinfeld to find out why he was shot." She talked as if she was lecturing a grade of kindergartners. Frank and his wife Estelle sat down. Scully blew a frustrated breath. George spoke up" Listen, Agent^Å" "Scully. Scully and Mulder." "Agent Scully, I've known Jerry since high school. I would never hurt him." Scully smiled. "Do you know anyone who would?" The other man spoke up. "Soup Nazi." Scully and Mulder turned to him. "You are?" Mulder asked. "Putty." His voice was a good imitation of Ben Stein. One tone, one word, nodding his head like everything was an answer to a question. Scully furrowed her brows. "Why do you think that the Soup Nazi did it?" "Because. I. Know. He. Hated. Jerry. And .That. He. Was. Planning. To. Kill. Him. Last. Year. Mulder shook his head from the separated tone. Scully asked, "Did this Soup Nazi know a^ÅNewman." Putty nodded again. "Yeah." "Would they conspire." "Yeah. High five!" He ducked his head and brought his immense arm up with a flat palm. Scully continued with the questions. "So you think together they had a motive? "Come on, Scully. Don't leave me hanging!" Scully hit his palm lightly. "Thank you for your time. Good day." Scully turned on her heel. Mulder followed. Once outside, they head the old couple start up again. "GEORGE! SHE IS A GORGEOUS WOMAN! WHY ARENT YOU ASKING HER TO MARRY YOU!" Muffled response. "DON'T GIVE ME THE^Å.I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED SPEECH." "High Five!" XXX Scully walked away and said, "I think Newman and the Soup Nazi conspired to kill Seinfeld." "I think we should go interview Jerry." Scully nodded. "Not for long. We got to prepare for our pity, job-related dates." "Just don't put Newman on a stick and roast him over a fire." Scully curled her lip. "Honestly, you might break the stick." X~~~~~~~~~~XXXXX~~~~~~~~~X Like the new design? Well, Seinfeld is All yours. I slaughtered Newman, played With Putty and the Constanza family, Now you get to kill the most annoying man of them all. me X~~~~~~~~~~XXXXX~~~~~~~~~~X Alright...Sorry it's been awhile.Looks like it's my turn to have some fun! JP X~~~~~~~~~~XXXXX~~~~~~~~~~X After having gone to the hospital they went to the floor Jerry was staying at and after waiting five minutes for someone to tell them were the room was, they went to his room. Mulder had entered first to find Jerry watching the Simpsons on the t.v. Jerry looked at them and than back at the t.v. "Excuse us, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld?" Scully asked after walking in. He looked at Scully. "The one and only." He winced a little as he adjusted in his seat. "I'm agent Dana Scully and this is agent Fox Mulder, we're here to talk to you about what's been going on." She took a seat next to his bed as Mulder leaned up against the wall. "Oh, yeah? OK, what you wanna know?" He grinned over at Scully. "Well, we were wondering what exactly has been going on lately that might cause someone to harm you." She took out her notepad again. He thought for a second." Well, there is that new show of mine. You know its really good. I could see someone wanting copyrights to it. This world...Its crazy..Insane..nuts.." Scully nodded as Mulder's cell phone rang. He fumbles in his pockets and pulled it out. "Mulder" He walked back around the corner to leave Scully to talk to Jerry. Jerry looked at Scully. "You know...I really don't like cell phones." "Why is that?" "Well take for instance, you're talking on the phone to someone you really hate, they say something bad to you and you wanna hang up on them. Well on a normal phone, its one fast move. You just talk and BAMB," He jumped a little with his words, "its all one swift move. But with a cell phone you have to tell the person, 'I'm hanging up now', than you gotta take it away from your ear and press the button. Its just so many complcations." He shook his head. Scully looked at him why her why-do-I-do-this look and nodded. Mulder at this time had finally walked out from behind the corner." That was Skinner." "What did he have to say?" Scully asked. "Oh you know the boss, always checking on us." He gave a half smile. Jerry looked from Mulder to Scully. "You say Walter Skinner?" Scully looked over at him ."Yeah. Why?" Jerry smiled. "Oh, well, me and Walter go way back. He was even my best man." Scully and Mulder exchanged glances." Did you say best man?" Mulder asked. "Yeah, at my wedding." Jerry said. "Who did you get married to?" Mulder continued on. "Elaine Benes." Jerry looked down. "But you know, things happen and we realized were better as friends." Scully raised her eyebrow towards Mulder and Mulder gave a don't-say-anything-to-me look. "And so Skinner was your best man?" Mulder asked in disbelief. "Yeah...I gotta a picture somewhere around here." He pointed to his pants on a chair" If you look in my back pocket my wallets in there. Hand that to me." Mulder walked over and did as he was told and handed a wallet to Jerry. Jerry took it out and flipped though photos."Here." He pulled out a picture and handed it to Scully. Scully took the picture. Her jaw almost hit the floor when she saw a picture of a YOUNG Skinner next to Jerry. A young Skinner with HAIR. Mulder also leaned over her. "Baldy had Hair." Mulder looked embarrassed that he had said that out loud after Scully elbowed him again for the tenth or so time. Jerry smiled. "See I told you." Scully shook her head and handed the picture back to Jerry. "Anyhow, Jerry, Do you know of anyone who might do this to you?" Scully said getting back on track again. Jerry thought for a moment as he placed the photo back." Oh, I don't know, I guess someone like Newman could." Scully looked back up at Mulder and Mulder avoided her I-told-you-so look. Scully finally stood." Well thank you Jerry for your time. "She extended her hand to shake his hand. "We might be by a little later for more questioning." Jerry smiled. "Oh that would be fine. "He watched as the two agents left. Outside his room Mulder started. "Can you believe it Scully?" Scully looked at him. "What? That Newman is in on this?" "No, not Woo-hoo guy, That Skinner had HAIR. Actual hair. Actual hair, Scully." Mulder looked like he just discovered that Santa Claus was real. Scully raised her eyebrow. "I don't see how that's significant Mulder. I mean, I knew he had to have had hair at some point in his life. Although, "She stifled a giggle, "That was some RED hair." Mulder saw her laugh. "Oh you know its funny. Don't deny it." He chuckled. They both tried not to laugh as they walked down the hall. Mulder looked at his watch. "Well I guess its show time,eh?" He looked over at Scully. "Oh yeah, Time to catch us a criminal." She didn't look at him. "cully? "Mulder asked. "Hmm?" "Promise me again you won't do the hokey Pokey with this guy." Mulder looked over at her pleadingly. "Mulder, Whatever it takes.." Scully walked further ahead and left Mulder with his mouth hanging open and thinking." If she can have fun...so can I." XXnextXX AREA 51 1/2 : Sein-Files part 3 of 3 X~~~~~~~XXXXX~~~~~~~~~~X Alright...I played,I wrote,I concured.. Now,Its your turn to play Hokey Pokey With Newmie and Dana...::smiles wickedly:: JP X~~~~~~XXXXX~~~~~~~~~~~X Newman and Dana..sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G First come the LOVE, then comes the MARRIAGE And Fox Mulder gonna's have a coronaige! (heartattack) I have a feeling that Shippers are gonna murder me! X~~~~~~~~XXXXX~~~~~~~~~~X Back at the hotel room, Scully and Mulder were going to get ready for their big nights. Mulder could see that Scully was regretting every second of today. "I don't even think that this Seinfeld character deserves my pain, " Scully complained. "Come on! I catch the guy and Jerry goes back to being a dumb comedian and I am going to have to go to church tonight!" Scully's voice hit a whine. "Well, Scully, as long as you don't end up too much in sin, I think your okay." Scully eyed her partner. She raised her eyebrow. "OH MY, SCULLY! Don't do this^Å..Seinfeld's not worth it!' She shook her head and looked at him; I-know-but-its-my-job. Mulder now registered how nice his partner looked. She was wearing a slick, black dress that should have been worn * at the Golden Globes * . She was wearing very high spike heels that were black leather. She has scratched her professionalism look and changed it for the uptown Manhattan scheme. Instead of red lipstick, she covered them in dark brown with black lip liner. She had made her skin a bit paler and her eyeshadow was a gorgeous blue mist. She had surrounded her eyebrows in light sepia brown and she tied her red hair in a bob ponytail. Top it off with a pair of pearl earrings and Mulder was considering switching places with Newman. "Very, Soho, Scully." She snapped her teeth at him, sucking in air to get that annoyed sound. "I'm touched Mulder. You are comparing me with Soho working girls." "Hey...there is nothing wrong with Soho. Besides, " Mulder said as he leaned in to whisper to his partner, "One of the author's lives on the edge of Soho; we can't say anything bad." Scully nodded. "I like the way people are in Soho but its not my style." "You look fine, Scully. How do I look?" Mulder had a black suit with a plain Polo Tie^Åfor once it was sans pink pigs or little U.F.O.S. He actually looked good. Scully smiled, "You look extremely handsome. Now, if we don't get going, we are going to be late." Mulder nodded. They both left the apartment. XXX Mulder dropped Scully off at Newman's place. They exchanged a couple of looks. Mulder shot Scully a Please-don't-do-something-that-would-make-you-go-to-hell. Scully replied with a You-don't-think-I-would? Mulder shrugged. Scully smiled. Be back in like 3 hours...I think that's enough time to worm Newman's plan out. Mulder nodded. He closed the window as Scully left the car. Mulder wished as he sped off to Elaine's. XXX Newman opened the door wearing a white shit and dockets. His hair was slicked back either from sweat or gel. His glasses were fingerprint covered. "Ah, my divine little red head. How sweet^Åit is^Å to see you^Åin such beautiful^Å alignment!" "You look very handsome, Newman." Scully was doing her best Marilyn Monroe. It appeared to be working. "Come on in^Åmy divinity^Å..for we^Åshall^Åinduce^Åin the fruits^Åof postal labor." Scully thought. Newman opened the door wider and Scully walked in. The place was remarkably cleaner. The sofa had been washed and she noticed that the cushions were removed. Scully murmured. Newman sat down on the couch and patted to the left of him. "Sit down^Åmy sweet^Åand let us talk^Åabout ourselves." Scully smiled. Inwardly, she felt like covering the whole apartment in the pizza she had eaten before. Anchovies and all. She sat down. "So, Newman, is that your first name?" She fiddled with the collar on his shirt. Newman thought Scully was actually thinking. "Actually^Å.Dana^Åmy first name is^ÅWolfe." Scully coughed. "That's a very, interesting name." "Yes^Åand my brother^ÅFox and my^Åsister^Å Tiger." Scully fought the urge to ask if any of his siblings had been abducted by aliens of the sort. "And where did you get the name^ÅDana?" Wolfe asked. "It's a family name." "Ah. So you work for the FBI?" Scully thought. "Yes I do. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a postal employee." "Ah. Good money?" "Yes and the^Åsatisfying fact^Åthat I can read through^Åother people's mail." Scully nodded. "Have you eaten^ÅDana?" "Yes I have." Newman nodded. He leaned over. "So have I. Let's get down^Åto business." And Scully almost hurled when Newman kissed her on the lips. Scully inwardly screamed. Scully would have rather kissed Mulder, kissed Skinner, kissed even Cancerman^Åthis was too much. She gently tried to push away. Newman got the wrong message. He wrapped his hand around Scully and fell on top of her. Scully felt nauseous. She hated the fact that 300 pounds of moronic, assholic, postal worker was on top of her. She almost killed Newman when his hand fell to a place that * no man * was allowed to touch. This went on for a while. Scully almost upchucked 3 times. "Newman^Åyou^Åare^Åvery^Åpersistent." "I should be Dana^ÅI am a Jehovah's Witness." This took a second to sink in. Scully almost threw up for the 4th time. XXX Almost an hour later, Scully was getting kissing sickness. That disgusting feeling when your mind registers that you've been sharing saliva for the last hour with someone as disgusting as Newman. "So, um, Wolfe^Å" Scully said, finally separating themselves. "Call^Åme^ÅNewman^Å" "Newman, ..um^Ådo you know who really shot Seinfeld?" She spoke as a child...in an innocent tone. Newman smiled. "I did." He said it with pride. "Me and Vladmir!" He spoke as he was recited Hamlet. "Who is this, Vladmir?" She spoke as if she was hitting on to him. "He^Åis more commonly known^Åas the Soup Nazi^Å" "Do you swear? With a cherry on top?" Newman showed the palm of his very sweaty hand. "Postal Honor." In a flash, Scully was out from under him. She pulled out her gun as she moved slowly to the back of the room. "Mr. Wolfe Newman, you are under arrest for the attempted Murder of a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld." Newman looked suicidal. "Dana, what is going on?" She put one finger to her lips. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law. You have the right to attorney; if you can't afford one, one will be appointed to you by the court. Do you understand?" Newman nodded his head as she slapped handcuffs on his wrists, now behind his back. "Oh, and you kiss horribly," Scully mentioned as she dragged Newman out of the apartment. XXX In the meanwhile, Mulder was having a GRANDE time. Tipsy on Livandas, vodka with Surge, Mulder was sharing trivial information about himself. Elaine Benes was drunk to the extreme on Peach Schnapps. "So^Åum^ÅHOW WELL DO YOU KNOW THE RED HEAD?" Elaine screamed as she wriggled like a fish out of water around her carpeted apartment. "For about 6 years. We work together." Mulder's eye's were glassy. "How DO YOU KNOW HER?" "I said, we work together." "Oh^Åcarry me on piggy back?!" Elaine asked in an autistic point of way. Mulder looked at her as if she was crazy. Mulder thought. "PWEEZ!" Mulder lifted her up. He noted that she was heavier than Scully. Plus the fact that her muscles were having uncontrolled spasms. "Ride little horsieeeeeeeeee!" Elaine was as drunk as a wino. As Mulder ran around the apartment, he wondered what Scully was doing. "So, you were married to Jerry?" He asked as she jumped off his back. "Uhuh. For 2 months!" She said, sticking up a piece sign impersonation. "Got any photos?" "Uhuh. Here." She went over to the bookcase. She whisked a photo album out of the shelf, scattering an array of photos. On her way back to the couch, she knocked over a vase with silk flowers. Sitting down with a whoosh!, she opened the album. "Here is the gwwoop together." Mulder saw a replica of the photo that Seinfeld has showed him. This one, however, was in color. And Mulder exclaimed, "Skinner had RED Hair?" Elaine nodded. "Walter was a vewy, vewy cute guy." "Ah, listen, Elaine, do you need this photo?" 'You can have it if you want." "Thank you." Mulder pocketed the photo. He was about to relax when his cell phone rang. "Mulder." "It's me. Are you busy?" "No, um Scully. You ok?" "Yeah, he confessed." "No, I mean...did you..um..you know." "Not really. Can you come pick me and him up, I need to do another arrest. I was right." Mulder thought. "Ill be there in 10." He closed the cell phone. "Elaine, I gotta go. My partner needs me." 'OK! I LOVE YOU! BUHBYE!" Elaine screamed. Mulder let himself out. XXX The chevette stopped at Newman's apartment. Mulder saw Scully with a handcuffed Newman. Scully looked like a wreck; her hair was muffled and her usually perfect lipstick was smudged. Newman looked no better^Åmostly because he was nervous. Mulder got out of the car. "There is NO WAY we are all fitting in the chevette!" Scully nodded. "I called PD. They are coming. I need you to drive me to A Vladmir Zburig house. I need to arrest the Soup Nazi." Mulder nodded as the sound of sirens filled the aura of the street. A blue and white car stopped and 2 men - in - blue stepped out and took Newman. As the car drove away, Mulder held Scully's hand. "Lets go arrest the other schmuck and get out of this god forsaken town." Scully nodded. XXX IT was dark. Very dark. "Lachego ti nie kupec shem?" "Vladmir^Å" 'Nyet!" "Vladmir! Ja ne rushesh siem!" The Russian dealt the cards. " I deed not cheet thes time." "Yah, right." The door to the back room opened with a large bang. "Freeze! FBI!" Mulder yelled. Scully approached the now standing Vladmir. He slapped her across the face and she fell like a sack of potatoes. With a little "Umph!" her gun clacked from her hand and Vladmir ran off. Mulder thought. He chased after him. As Mulder sped out of the back room, he looked for the dark, skinned Russian. He caught a glance of the man as he turned the corner of 5th and a street name Avenue of Americas. Off Mulder pounded. SCRREECCH! A car skidded as Mulder made a badly rounded turn on the corner. He saw Vladmir running off, bumping into random people as he fought his way through the crowd. Mulder sighed as he headed off through the crowd. However, the pedestrians took this little chase as regular something. "Look, Chantel, it's a cops and robber chase!" an overweight woman told her little girl. Some people looked and Mulder noticed that they had cameras and floral shirts; tourists. The hard-diva NYers were just walking along, more worried about making the Q82 bus instead of crime. Wasn't that the police and justice system's jobs? Mulder knocked over a pretzel vendor. A curse in some Bosnia and Herzegovina dialect followed him. This is almost as exciting as watching People from Smars on this favorite channel. XXX Scully woke up, and no Mulder. Ditched again. XXX At the corner of 19th Ave and Madison, Mulder finally tackled Vladmir infront of an Italian Restaurant. As he slapped handcuffs on the Russian's wrists, Mulder proclaimed, "You are under arrest you slimebag! You have the right to remain silent so shut the f**k up! Anything you say can and you bet your bottom friggin dollar will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney; if you can't afford one, the worst, sleaziest, shmuckiest, dumbest rookie who barely passed the BAR will be appointed to you by the court." Mulder stood the man up. "You comprenday?" Vladmir nodded as Police swerved around him and Mulder. Mulder thought. He saw Scully approaching the street. She had a red slap mark that Mulder was all-too familiar with. Scully smiled when she saw Mulder with Vladmir, who was being taken away. "NOW CAN WE LEAVE?" Mulder nodded. XXX X~~~~~~~~~X~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~X The ending is yours^Åbut let me do the actually last line.. Since you started afta all! MeG X~~~~~~~~~X~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~X Hmmm...Ok...Let's see...I smell Black mail and Hmmm...Maybe some good ol' fashion UST here. Or more?I feel Lucky tonight! It's 3 am!! JeN X~~~~~~~~X~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~X After finally getting everything cleared and checked with the NYBD and working their way back to the Airport and waiting 4 hours because their flight was canceled twice; they were on the plane and heading back to good ol' Washington, or lack their off. Mulder had the alise set and was trying to get comfortable for their short flight back. After adjusting fifty million times he finally found it more comfortable to sit totally upright. This way his legs wouldn't be crushed by the fat guy sitting in front of him. Scully found it amusing to watch her lanky partner trying to get comfortable. She stifled a laugh as Mulder let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm glad you find this amusing." Mulder gave her a side-ways glance. "Yes...Your good entertainment." She smiled. "Glad to here that from you, Scully. I thought you found me boring and weird." He once again tried to sit in a distorted way. "You? Boring?" Scully gave a playful smile." I could debate weird. But boring no." "At least I didn't kiss Woo-hoo Man." Mulder winced as a elbow came in contact with him again. "So, you're telling me you never once kissed Miss Bimbo back their?" Scully got a don't-even-try-this-shit-on-me-look. "I did not." Mulder said triumpetly. Scully raised her eyebrow." You got nothing out of her?" Mulder gave that mischievous smile of his. "Well...I wouldn't say NOTHING Scully." Scully raised both eyebrows this time. "What does that mean? He smiled, "Don't worry Scully...I'm only saving for the best." He smiled at her and tried putting his hand into his pocket. Finally he got a picture from Jerry and Elaine's Wedding. "Here look at this." Scully took it and looked. "Yeah its their wedding." "Well look who's in it." Mulder urged her on. "Um...Jerry, Elaine....Skinner...."She stopped at Skinner and looked at Mulder in that what-are-you-going-to-do-now look. "Don't look at me like that. " He smiled innocently. Scully shrugged and handed Mulder back the picture. "Hey, Scully, You still want that raise Chris Carter isn't giving you?" Mulder asked. "What?!" Scully exclaimed. He gave another mischievous smile." I was thinking maybe we could persuade Skinner to give it to you instead." Scully gave a I-like-how-you-think-Mulder look. "Hmm...Ok...Good Ideal." Mulder smiled." I'm glad I work with you Scully." She smiled. "Thanks...Me too." Mulder made a face. "You're glad you work with yourself?" Scully playfully hit Mulder's arm."No...I mean I'm glad I work with you. As crazy and weird and...discusting," She thought about...Newman...,"I'm glad I can do it all with you." Mulder smiled." 'Do it all'"? Scully gave him a look."Don't push your luck big boy." "Oh so now I'm big?" "Your bigger than me." "Anyone is bigger than you Scully." He tried and failed at missing that elbow as the pilot came over the PA and said they were about to descend. XXXXXXXX Mulder and Scully walked to Skinner's office to report about everything that happened...and to finish some business. They turned to walk in when Scully stopped Mulder. "What?" He asked. She fixed his tie as he fussed to have her let him go." There...now you look more...Business like." He raised his eyebrow and opened the door for her as they walked in and had a seat. "So, Agents, How did it go?" SKinner looked between the two. "Well, we assume you heard we caught the shooters. One Mr. Wolfe Newman and a guy known as the Soup Nazi." Scully stated. Skinner nodded. "Yes I heard from Jerry just a little over a hour ago about what happened." "I assume you heard than about ...a certain photo?" Mulder asked. Skinner got a confused look. "Photo?" Mulder and Scully exchanged glances. "Yes a certain...Wedding...Photo." Skinner got a Oh-no look. "You don't mean.." Mulder nodded and pulled out a picture. "Yes...Jerry and Elaine's Wedding photo." Skinner got up to grab it but Mulder pulled it back. "I find it funny sir that you had hair." "Everybody at one time has hair." Skinner said nervously. "But not a carrot top, Sir." Mulder stated. Skinner exchanged nervous glances at them. "Ok...what do you want for the photo?" Mulder and Scully exchanged looks. "How about a raise sir?" Scully said. "And a bigger office." Mulder said. "And another desk." Scully said. "And a bigger TV." Scully looked at Mulder." For entertainment purposes." He smiled. Skinner sighed. "Is that ALL?" "Well, We could use a nice paid vacation for to say...the Hawaiian islands." Mulder smiled over to Scully. Skinner looked between them again." Ok...Fine...Now can I have the picture please?" Mulder shrugged and handed it to him as Skinner snatched the photo out and stuffed it in his pocket." Ok...You guys will get what you want as soon as I can get it to you. Including that raise." Mulder and Scully exchanged triumphant glances. They both knew revenge was sweet. But blackmail was sweeter yet. X~~~~~~~X~~~~~~~~~X Ok..I did it..I didn't get too Shippy But I Did imply it.So I don't know what you had in mind to End it with..But please your little heart out here! JeN X~~~~~~X~~~~~~~~~~X "Oh, and one more thing sir," Scully piped up. "Yes, Agent Scully?" Skinner replied, looking like a fired green tomato. "Never^Åever^Å.EVER^Åever^Åever^Åever^ÅEVER^Åsend us to NEW YORK CITY again!" Scully screamed. Mulder looked at her, thinking if she took some of his medication by accident. Skinner smiled. "Deal, Agent Scully." Skinner said as he started chopping up the photo. His intercom rang. It was Agent Mulder. "Yeah, Skinner. I know your chopping up the photo right now so let me tell you Scully and I made copies of them^Åall enlarged." Skinner looked suicidal. "^Åso you better get our stuff." The line went dead. Skinner sighed. There goes the new FBI golf course.