From: JEhrat2@aol.com Date: Sat, 28 Nov 1998 21:16:37 EST Subject: Bad Day At Black Rock 1/1 Title: BADFIC - Bad Day at Black Rock Author: JEhrat (Janis) Rating: PG Disclaimer: Yadda, yadda, yadda....Get along little doggie. Nobody belongs to me (sob), and absolutely NO wampum is exchanging hands for all my work, either!(boo hoo hoo). Spoilers: Anything and Everything through the movie Category: H (I really hope!) Archive: Well, ma'am, (tip of the hat), if'n ya'll really think someone else would wanna read it - go ahead - you know the drill though, name and disclaimer and stuff goes with it - and drop me a note so I can visit. Reply: I'm not above begging....really. JEhrat2@aol.com Keywords: Parody/Western ******** Summary: It seems like every television show ever written included an episode where a main character got hit on the head, blacked out, and "woke up" in the Old West. Well, we wouldn't want Mulder and Scully to be left out, would we? Additional Author Note (and contest) at end of story - don't miss it! ******** "Sheriff! Sheriff! Are you all right?" Against his better judgment, Mulder opened his eyes. He appeared to be lying on the floor. And he was dressed all in white: white shirt, white vest, white pants, even white boots. He began to wonder if he was dead. He began looking around surreptitiously for Albert. Far off, he heard a woman singing a song...badly. Suddenly the voice stopped 'singing' and began speaking forcefully. "Let me through, I'm a doctor!" "Scully?" he queried while trying to sit up. Someone held out a white cowboy hat to him. Mulder's hand brushed against his side as he automatically reached up to take it, and he looked down and saw a six-shooter strapped to his thigh. Mulder blinked and tried to focus his eyes. That was when he saw Scully. At least, he thought it was Scully. It was a little difficult to tell with her flaming red hair swept up off her neck and adorned with feathers, and she seemed to be wearing a frilly, pink dance hall outfit. "Scully?" he repeated once again. Ignoring him, Scully asked, "Are you hurt?" Her deft little fingers were pawing through his scalp looking for gashes and/or blood. There didn't appear to be any. "Boys, ya wanna carry him upstairs for me?" Scully inquired to the men standing around. A second dance hall girl stepped forward. She had on an outfit like Scully's, only it was bright green, and her deep brown hair was pinned up with little tendrils escaping here and there, caressing her creamy white neck. "You can take him up to *my* room," she daringly volunteered. Then she leaned in close to Mulder and whispered in his ear, "And, Fox, I won't even charge ya for staying the night." Mulder leaned his head back so he could get a good look at who was propositioning him. "Diana?" His voice was low. Without further thinking on Mulder's part, words just popped out of his head. "You charge for sex? That's against the law!" Diana just giggled, and then reached out and fingered his vest, "Why, Fox, you *are* the law!" Mulder looked down and saw that she was fingering a tin star pinned to his vest. Scully pushed Diana away from Mulder. "Look, seeings as how I'm the one that makes him a whole person, if he's going to anyone's room, it's mine!" Dazed, Mulder picked himself up and sat down in a chair. He wasn't going anywhere until he figured this out. "No, I don't want to go upstairs, could you please just bring me something to drink." Scully scurried off. Mulder watched her sashay across the floor to the bar. Mulder blinked his eyes again. Could that be? Was it true? Was that really Skinner tending bar? He shook his head to clear it; wrong thing to do. Stars exploded behind his eyes. "What are you looking at?" Skinner growled at him. Mulder quickly looked away. Shortly, Scully came back to his table with a tall glass in her hands. "If that's ice tea, this could be love." Mulder said. Scully gave half a smirk as Mulder took the drink from her. "Must be fate, Mulder; sassafras." Scully began checking Mulder over again, but couldn't find anything wrong except a lump on the back of his head. Before she could inform Mulder of that, a cowboy pushed through the swinging saloon doors from outside. "Sheriff! The bank's just been robbed! Mulder opened his eyes wide. "Spender?" he half whispered. "Sheriff!" Spender pleaded. "Hurry, they're getting away!" Mulder grabbed his white hat, shoved it on his head and stood up. In the next moment, Mulder's legs were carrying him out the door and into the dirt street. Scully was by his side. For a moment Mulder looked around in wonder at the town. His guess was circa 1860. But he didn't have time to ponder anything else. Two people running across the rooftops with bank bags caught his eye. "Stay back, Scully." Mulder pulled his six shooter and took aim at one of the figures. "Like Hell," she replied. Scully pulled up her skirt, completely exposing her thigh, and a small derringer held in place by her red garter. Then she reached between her breasts with her other hand and pulled out a tin star like Mulder's. His eyes bugged out. She informed him. You're not ditching me! I'm your deputy!" Then she pushed the crowd out of the way. "Let me through, I'm a crack shot!" she exclaimed. And with that she fired her gun and one of the two robbers dropped out of sight. Not to be outdone, Mulder yelled, "I'll get the other one!" and he began climbing up and over boxes stacked near the edge of a nearby building. He called down to Scully, "Hey, Scully, is this demonstration of boyish agility turning you on at all?" Scully ignored his remark and began running toward the last building in the row to cut the robber's retreat off. As Mulder ran across the roof, he stopped to check the body that Scully had shot. It was a woman, and she was still alive! He turned her over onto her back. As he did so, he recognized Marita! "Not everything dies, Sheriff Mulder," was all she said as she slipped into a coma. Mulder moved on toward the second robber, who had stopped running. He had gone as far as he could. He turned around and faced Mulder. "Krycek!" Mulder exclaimed. Alex grinned wickedly. "So we meet again, Mulder. Remember, you either resist or serve." And with that, Krycek lunged forward, kissed Mulder on the cheek and then took a flying leap off the building. Mulder ran to the edge and looked over. Krycek had landed on a wagon full of hay that had been waiting for him. The driver flicked the reins and yelled "Giddy up!" as soon as Krycek landed. Then he turned back to stare at Mulder. "Cancer Man," Mulder mumbled under his breath as recognition hit home. At that moment, Scully came around the corner of the building riding a horse and leading another. "Come on, Mulder, they're getting away!" Mulder didn't hesitate for a moment. He leaped off the roof onto the extra horse. For a slit second he rested perfectly in the saddle. The next second found him gritting his teeth in pain, sliding off the saddle, hitting the ground, grabbing his crotch and emitting a high-pitched girlie scream. A crowd formed again around him. Scully jumped off her horse and pushed her way past them. "Let me through, I'm a doctor!" she yelled. Mulder wondered how thorough an examination she would give him this time. It was the only thing that made him grin. ******** Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Well-Manicured Man along with two of the Elders were gathered, waiting for the return of Krycek, Cancer Man, and Marita. The Well-Manicured Man was speaking, "With this new financing, we can complete the Project!" His eyes glistened with anticipation and fanaticism. "What about Mulder?" the first Elder asked. "He is but one man. One man alone cannot fight the future," Strughold, the second Elder, replied looking out the window. "But he's seen more than he should," the first Elder countered. "Of the whole, he has seen but pieces. He has seen only what we have wanted him to see," replied Strughold again. ******** Meanwhile, in a failed attempt to cut Cancer Man and Krycek off at the pass, Scully's horse, Pendrell, had stepped in a gopher hole, which caused him to stumble, and throw Scully off. Mulder was trying to help her up. "Are you OK, Scully?" Scully slapped his hand away from her. "I'm fine," she replied tersely. She held the back of her neck with one hand, and wiped a smear of blood from her nose with the other. "Are you sure you're OK, Scully?" Mulder inquired again. "I'm a doctor, Mulder. I'd know if I was OK or not." However, the same was not to be said for Pendrell. He had broken his leg. "I'm afraid we'll have to shoot him," Mulder said, trying not to look at Scully's face. Scully's eyes glistened as she leaned over Pendrell. "Don't you die on me! Breathe!" "He's suffering," Mulder informed her. He took out his gun and shot once. "I didn't even know his registered name," Scully said softly to no one in particular. Scully pulled herself into the saddle behind Mulder. He could feel her shifting around behind him. "What's wrong?" "It feels like a snake crawled in my shirt," she said, squirming in the saddle. "Let's just go," she finally said. And with that she dug her heels viciously into Mulder's horse. "Hey, don't be so rough with Phoebe!" he yelled as the horse took off at a quick clip. ******** Bursting through the door to the ranch, Cancer Man took a drag on his cigarette before speaking. "We've got to go now. Sheriff Mulder and Deputy Scully are right behind us." The Well- Manicured Man opened a trap door in the floor and a hum of machinery could be heard. He and the two Elders, Cancer Man, and Krycek scrambled down and disappeared into a cave under the ranch. Suddenly, Mulder and Scully rode up and jumped off their horse and rushed into the house. They did not see anyone. "You look around in here, and I'll check outside," Mulder said. He went back out and rounded the house. Just then, the ground began to shake and rumble and crumble. Suddenly, a huge saucer shaped object lifted up from under the ground. Mulder was blinded by the sunlight bouncing off the object; but as it sped away at an incredible speed, he could see a group of men smiling and waving good by out the window. The object was gone in seconds. Scully came running out of the door shouting Mulder's name. When she rounded the back of the ranch, she found him staring dumbly at the sky and pointing. "Mulder! What was that noise? What happened?" she asked as she noticed the gigantic hole in the ground. "Scully!" Mulder was shouting back. "Did you see it? Did you see it?" he asked excitedly. "See what, Mulder?" Scully had a scowl on her face. "That unidentified flying object!" Mulder yelled back. "Flying?" "Yes! Did you see it?" Scully looked at him disapprovingly. "Mulder, are you suggesting that an object rose out of the ground, was able to stay 'afloat' and then just flew away like a bird?" "Yes!" Mulder nodded his head excitedly. "Yes!" Scully just shook her head at him. "Mulder, I'm a scientist. I need material proof of things that happen. I'm sure there is a logical explanation for what you think you saw." Mulder slowly lowered his hand back to his side. His eyes and mouth drooped at the corners. "But, Scully," he whined. Scully took Mulder's hand and stared sympathetically into his multi-colored hazel eyes, "It's easier to believe the lie, isn't it Mulder." And then she turned on her heel and headed back to Phoebe. "Come on, Mulder, hurry up!" she called back over her shoulder. Giving up, Mulder followed, grumbling under his breath, "Sure, fine, whatever." ********** Final Author Note: OK, there will be a special award (I don't know what just yet ), for those people that e-mail me and match the most number of statements and/or references used in the above story to their correct episode. In the case of a statement that is used in many episodes (Ex: "I'm fine, or I'm fine, Mulder" or any variation thereof), only one episode example needs to be cited. Have fun! Any and all feedback/contest entries should be addressed to: JEhrat2@aol.com.