From: Adrienne Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 17:23:20 -0800 (PST) Subject: xfc: NEW fic: Being Neighborly (R) Source: xfc From: Adrienne Title: Being Neighborly Author: Adrienne and Jolene Rating: R Spoilers: Days of Our Lives, Arcadia, Triangle (just quotes) Classification: SH Keywords: Mulder/Scully, SH Archive: Anywhere and everywhere. Summary: Neighbors try to help Mulder and Scully move furniture. Author's Notes: The characters of Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions. The characters of John Robinson and Deliah Robinson are ours. If you want them, too damn bad. We worked so hard on the characterizations. We wrote this fic during our "Balst in Iowa." It is *supposed* to be funny. So laugh. This is dedicated to the DOTCOF. If we quit now, she wins. _________________________________ WHAM. Mrs. Deliah Robinson looked up from her crossword puzzle and over at her husband, John, who was quite intently watching Days of Our Lives. "Did you hear that honey?" WHAM. "What?" John asked, obviously irritated. "Honey, don't talk right now. Bo is trying to save Hope, who is really Princess Gina. But he doesn't know that!" Oh dear, Deliah thought, running her hand through her newly-permed silver-grey hair. DEAR GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? AAHHHHMYGODDDD... "Honey, really, I think somebody is getting murdered next door. In apartment 42. Don't you think you should..." "SHUT UP!!!" John screamed, gripping the remote. "Shawn D. is hanging off the ledge! Belle can't help him. This is important!" Deliah began wondering why she married this man. "But honey!" UH!! UH!! UH!! UH!! "I think somebody's getting stabbed!" "Bitch, I told you to shut the fuck up! Roman and John are trying to help Belle. That Marlena bitch finally got her head knocked in." John took several deep breaths as he eyed the baseball bat in the corner. "Honey. Please. NOT NOW." OH GOD, OH GOD PLEASE... OH MULDER PLEASE... Deliah stared over at the wall, and then back at her ignorant husband. She decided not to mention this one until she heard the all-too-familiar music at the end of the show. I always knew that Mulder man was a barbarian, she thought crossly. That poor little redheaded woman that he's always with. She should really do something about the way he's treating her. OH what are you doing, Scully, OH SCULLY!!! Oh good, she's fighting back, Deliah thought. "You go, girl," she said under her breath as she saw the first rotation of the hourglass on the TV. "What?" John said, finally peeling his eyes away from the dramatic scenes which had been played out before him. BANG... BANG... BANG... "What the fuck is that?" John asked loudly over the commotion. "The whole wall is shaking!" "Maybe they're moving furniture," Deliah said, not wanting to disclose her theory of domestic abuse in case she'd been mistaken. She was never one to gossip about the neighbors and their business. "That Mulder man... I think he leads some sort of freaky deaky wild secret life over there," John said, walking over to the wall. RIGHT THERE, NO... RIGHT THERE... A LITTLE TO THE LEFT... YES!!! YES!!!! YES!!!!! John banged on the wall three times. "Could you quiet down a little over there please?" he yelled, making Deliah cringe. "Be careful honey, he works for the FBI, I think. I think that little redhead is an interior designer," she commented cautiously. "At least, she sounds like it, the way she gets so excited over moving furniture." MULDER, THIS IS SO GOOD! PUSH IT IN FROM BEHIND!!! HARDER!!! "Maybe they need some help over there," Deliah said, "some hard oak furniture can be rather heavy, to tell you the truth. Why don't you go over there and help?" John gave the wall one last angry pound with his hand. "Do you need help?" he screamed. YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!! OH MY GOD, YES!!! "Okay, I'm coming over," John replied, starting to walk away. COME!!! YOU CAN DO IT! COME FOR ME!!! "Okay, okay! I'm on my way," John yelled. Deliah followed him to the doorway. "Be careful honey. Do you have protection?" Deliah said. "I'll bring my stick," John answered, kissing his wife on the cheek. "I'll be right back. You stay here." Deliah watched him leave, a tear forming in the crease of her eyelid. John's back was so bad she didn't think it was a good idea for him to be lifting heavy furniture, but he was always the type to help out those in need. She shut the door and walked back into the living room, pausing by the wall. NEVER STOP FUCKING ME, MULDER!!! Deliah stopped dead in her tracks. "Oh dear... JOHN!!!!!!" ***** John knocked on the door, hearing a muffled cry from inside the apartment. SEVER THAT ROCKING THING, MULDER!!! He looked quizzically at the door, wondering what they were talking about. He knocked again, louder this time. He heard his wife calling him but ignored her, for she had interrupted his Days of Our Lives viewing so he wasn't going to listen to her shit for awhile. "I've come!" John yelled through the wood. Suddenly, everything was silent. I hope that they didn't drop anything and hurt themselves, John thought. He wiggled the door handle and found it was locked. "Hello!! I'm here to help!" John waited several minutes like the good Samaritan that he was. Finally, he heard the deadbolt turn. Mulder opened the door, looking at John with a "What the hell are you doing at my door" look. "Yes?" he finally said, trying to catch his breath. His hair was wet. "You look pretty sweaty there, Mr. Mulder. It must be pretty hard moving all that around," John said. Mulder's eyes widened in shock as he continued. "I came to help you and that pretty little redhead out." "Excuse me?" Mulder asked, leaning against the door. "I don't think we need any help. We're doing just fine by ourselves." "Well, you know, wouldn't want anyone to break any bones or anything. Or get a concussion, or strain anything from moving stuff around so much," John replied. Mulder laughed. "Well thank you for your offer of assistance, but I think we'll be okay by ourselves." John smiled. "That redhead... how is she anyway?" Mulder's smile disappeared. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" "I was just wondering how she was," John said. "You know, I kinda like her. She's a sweet little thing-I wouldn't want to see her injured. Would you tell her I was thinking of her and came?" "What kind of sick fuck are you, old man?" Mulder yelled, his face reddening with rage. "Get the fuck out of here before I kick your butt, but good." Scully walked up behind Mulder and peered through the doorway. "Mulder? Is everything all right?" "No, this gentleman was just leaving," Mulder said, giving him a cold stare. "Hey, you wanted me to come, so I came," John said, shrugging. "I asked through the wall several times. Just trying to help out. Just trying to be neighborly." Scully gasped and turned bright red. "Oh Mulder..." Mulder, now very angry that his neighbor had embarrassed Scully with his perversion, punched him in the face. "I said get the fuck out of my face, you sick son of a bitch!" "Mulder, oh my god!" Scully said. "What are you doing???" "Scully, he just implied that he wanted to... nevermind," Mulder said, sighing. "He just *implied* that he heard us through the wall!" she answered. "But I don't think he knew what we were doing, thank god." They watched him try to get up. "Do you think we need to call an ambulance?" Scully asked. "Well, I didn't hit him that hard... just enough to knock him on his ass," Mulder replied. "Let's go back inside, Scully. His wife will find him here." Mulder put his arm around Scully's shoulders, leading her back toward the bedroom and shutting the door behind him. Deliah, hearing the yelling and subsequent door slam, ran out into the hall and found her husband on the floor with quite a shiner. "John! Oh my god, what did they do to you?" she asked, kneeling next to him. "I just don't understand, honey... I just wanted to help them move the furniture," John replied weakly. "But John... didn't you hear me calling you?" Deliah asked. "They weren't moving furniture. They were... uhhhhh... well... ummm... they were banging it hard in there, honey." "I don't understand," John said, getting up at last. "You wouldn't," Deliah sighed. "They were fucking the hell out of each other! Now do you understand, or do you need a demonstration?" she said hopefully. "Oh dear. No wonder they were a bit upset at how I came across," John said, laughing. "Ah, young love." "Love has nothing to do with that little soiree," Deliah answered, "that was pure youthful animalistic lust. Of course, you wouldn't understand about that, would you? You don't see stuff like that on Days of Our Lives, do you?? Maybe if you did I'd get some occasionally, you bastard!!! Maybe then you'd give a little to your wife instead of watching Days of Our Fucking Lives all day!!!!" John was silent throughout his reaming. "But... but... but... hmm I really have no response to that." Deliah smacked him across the cheek, walking over to their apartment door. "Well then. Maybe I will give Mr. Mulder a call and see if he can help ME move some furniture." John was shocked. "Honey, you know this is the face of erectile dysfunction. Way to rub it in," John sobbed in the hallway. "It would help if you rubbed it in once in awhile," Deliah said. "But that's okay. Kind of like an overactive bladder, E.D. is a treatable medical condition. Let's talk to our doctor today." John's eyes, gleaming with tears, showed hope of recovering from his libido-altering condition. "I love you, Deliah." "I love you too, John." Deliah smiled as he walked over to her with a smile as well. They embraced passionately, entering the apartment and closing the door. WHAM. THE END Thanks for reading. Send us feedback. Davephile@yahoo.com and VirKatJol@aol.com ===== SO MANY SHADES OF WRONG. http://petpede.tripod.com