From: SunReyes Date: 25 May 2002 21:11:58 -0700 Subject: Best of Friends DRR Source: atxc Title: The Best of Friends Author: SunReyes ;) Category: DRR/ANGST/FRIENDSHIP Rating: R (themes) Summary: What really happened between Doggett and his wife? Where does Reyes fall into the past and what exactly did they have going on? Acknowledgements: These characters belong to Ten Thirteen Productions and Chris Carter....I'm not making any money off of this, but feedback is always appreciated. This story is purely fiction and any real life events in correlation are just coincidental. [NOTE: MR & JD started working on the x-files together 9 years after his son's murder.... please keep that time frame in mind.... these events take place much before they became partners] Poor John. It's been three years since we found his son, lying in the field, face down, and dead. It was one hell of a search. I've never felt so sick in my life, searching for a child, and fearing what we found. Who would do such a thing? Murder an innocent child? The loss of a child would tear any family apart, and it shouldn't surprise me that John and Barbara aren't getting along like they use to. Just last week John and I got together to catch up on life, or what's left of his. A year after his son's death he realized his life was crumbling to pieces. Barbara and he weren't getting along so well and things started to be spiraling downward. He came to me, asking for advice. What do you tell a married man who lost their son? I certainly haven't had any children but I felt for him. I still ache for him, late at night, when the wind stirs up, and a chill runs through my skin. What forces would allow an innocent child to be taken? Who would allow such a thing? Shouldn't there be justice in this world? After finding no leads and only dead ends, John broke down. I would have too, believe me I wanted to. I cried myself to sleep at night, for his pain because I felt for him. I still feel for him. Even two years after Luke's murder I still feel the pit of my stomach churn when I see his eyes well up from his loss. The anniversary of his son's death, it brings a chill into my life. Why should he have to suffer? Why couldn't we have found his son? Some things aren't meant to be, but a child dead. That's not right either. John couldn't deal with the realization that Luke wasn't coming back and he couldn't take not knowing who committed such a violent act against his family. He was lost, confused and in dismay of what to do with his life. He needed something to focus his attention on. His marriage was crumbling to pieces and he was at the brink of giving up. He needed some hope and reason to keep on living and I tried to offer that to him, as a friend. I recommended him into the Bureau and after a few short weeks of interviews and transfer applications, he started his training at Quantico. John realized that this was the only way he could find justice in the world, if he perhaps tried to make a difference. If he tried to understand why these ferocious acts occur and perhaps how to prevent them from taking others lives to prevent the inevitable. If one child must die, why should another if it can be prevented? I'm not sure John believed 100% that he could prevent anything from ever happening to anyone else, after all he felt that he failed his only son, but what father wouldn't feel this way? As an investigator, I felt that I failed John. I know I didn't but sometimes when I lay awake alone at night I feel this way. Tears escape my sleep and I cry out, wishing it were but a dream. These visions I have from time to time, I know John has them to. We've spoken about them. Sometimes he denies it, other times he just sits there and listens to what I have to say. That's the one thing about him that makes us such great friends. We're always there for one another and I mean always. Since Luke's death, John comes over from time to time to relax. We talk over a cup of coffee about everything that's been going on; from John's marriage to his acceptance into the academy. We weren't always friends of course. In fact, I didn't even know John before his son's case, but that case brought us together as friends. I'm sorry to see it took that for us to meet, but I'm glad I've been able to be there for him from time to time. Just last week John came over to my apartment for us to talk. His marriage has been failing and he doesn't want to give up. He holds onto the slightest glimpse of hope, wishing that some miraculous force at work would save it. It seems as though his wife doesn't understand his decision to join the FBI and that just intensifies their arguments. Barbara believes I talked him into this because I want to be with him. I never wanted any of this, Luke dead and John to myself. I know she blames me though and she blames him. She blames John because he promised her he'd find him. He told me that one night when we were alone. John feels like he's failed her miserably because he broke his promise. He had no way of knowing his son's fate. I tried taking the blame off John, even putting on myself. Telling him that if I might have sucked in the torment and anguish we might have found him sooner, and perhaps he would have been alive. Luke's case was the most horrific experience I've ever encountered. The FBI has an unwritten rule of not getting personal and identifying with the victims. I broke that rule, and felt for John. Maybe I should have transferred off the case as soon as I felt a connection, but I didn't. I believed truly that we would find him, I had no intention of breaking that promise, and we did. Just not the way we anticipated, instead the way we feared. I've met Barbara a few times, and every time she acts sweet and friendly to me, but I know the truth. I can see it in her eyes. The way she blames everyone but herself. Did she even stop to think what might have happened if she called the police and authorities on the disappearance sooner? No use placing the blame now. It's too late to change the past. The only thing we can change is our lives and where they're heading. John's seems to be making a nice turn around. After joining the Academy he seems happier. I know he's not really happy; after all he lost his son. He does seem less guilt stricken, at least as far as I can tell. From time to time I know it still affects him. I see how it tears his heart apart; knowing the one constant in his life was stolen. The one aspect that kept him going and making him the wonderful person that he is. His wife is a piece of work though. I guess I can understand her blaming him, not that I agree with it, but it's understandable. What I can't fathom is that she takes advantage of John. I know she does. He knows she does, but why does he stay with her? Why does he claim to love her when she only rips him apart? Since being away from her and training at Quantico he's been himself again, or at least as far as I can tell. He has a goal, to join the FBI and he's set out and determined to make it work. He's tried with his marriage, he still tries but she sits back and lets him make all the effort. She makes him believe everything is his wrongdoing. She's manipulative even if it's unintentional and she's cold. At one time he told me that they loved one another but it seems now they're love has simmered. What they have now is only memories of their son and they're trying to stay together, for what? Don't get me wrong. I want John happy. If his happiness is with his wife, then I accept that but it doesn't appear that way. If anything he seems at ease when he's away from her and especially when we're hanging out and talking. A few weeks ago something happened. I can tell it's only time till their marriage is completely shred apart. He doesn't want to lose the last piece of Luke that remains, but he already has. He lost her a long time ago. A little over two weeks ago, John became agitated that Barbara doesn't even recognize their marriage for what it is. They might as well be roommates. He's tried coming to her, telling her how he feels, sometimes he still does, but he's told me "it's hopeless." They got into a hefty argument, as usual and she slammed the door on him telling him it's over. He didn't know where to go or what to do. He called me from his cell phone in the car and was trying to make sense of the ordeal. I told him to come on over and we'd talk. He arrived in shock of the entire ordeal being over and all. He always assumed he would have ended it but he felt an enormous sense of relief at the time. We talked about what happened and he told me how he doesn't understand why he even stays with her and gives her another chance. This has been building up at least since his son's death and perhaps he should have ended it when he had the chance, rather than wasting the time he did. She's been walking all over him and he's nearly blind to it because he doesn't want to believe. He doesn't want it to be over. Not after the time they've had together. I had him stay the night, he slept in my bed and I took the couch. I didn't want him to feel awkward. He should never have to feel that way, especially around me. During the night, I heard him calling out in his sleep. He was having a nightmare of Luke and his son's death and I gently woke him to the soothing caress of my fingers on his flesh. He asked me to lay in bed with him the rest of the night. I know John, he's not afraid to say what he's thinking or what he wants, but he's also very reserved when it comes to intimacy. He fears rejection, like most people and I'd never reject him. I wrapped my arms around his warm skin, holding him while he cried his pain away. I gently placed a kiss on his forehead and whispered how everything would in time be all right. I know he didn't believe me that night, I barely believed what I was saying, but I was grateful he came to me; relieved to know that he trusts me enough to see him this way. He told me once that since his son's death he hasn't let anyone see him cry. He cried in my arms the night his son died. He tried to stay strong for his wife, but when she wasn't around the floodgates opened. He cried again the night his wife threw him out, because the reality of events set in once again. He knew Luke wasn't coming back and he knew their marriage wasn't going to be resolved. He went home the next morning before I woke up. He left a note on the table thanking me for everything and that he needed to speak with his wife to make sure everything was definitely over. Around seven in the evening he called me because he wanted to see me again and tell me the news. He came over because he said that it was something we shouldn't talk about over the phone and I just laughed. I couldn't venture to imagine what could have been so important. He came to the door with a smile on his face, I can't remember the last time I've seen John happy. I invited him in and he sat down on the sofa. He patted it for me to sit down next to him so I did and he took my hand in his. "Monica first off I want to thank you for everything you've done. I couldn't have gotten here alone." "Oh John don't be ridiculous we're friends, that's what I'm here for. What's the big news?" I asked him confused. I couldn't think of anything that would make him so happy. He squeezed my hand and smiled over at me. "I've officially passed all my training at Quantico and I've got you to thank." "That's great!" I give him a hug and a huge grin emerges on my face. I can't remember the last time we actually smiled over something. Has it been that long? "What field office are you being assigned to?" I ask him a little fearful that he'll be gone, out of my life. "D.C." He says and looks down troubled by it. "That's good," I say a little too sadly and my gaze rests past his line of vision. He notices and places a finger under my chin. "We'll still keep in touch Mon." "I know. I guess I was just hoping for something else." I tell him. "Something else? You mean as in `us'?" He asks me and shakes his head confused. "It would never work out Mon. I've got to much baggage and there's complications." I laugh at the thought of `us'. "No John" I smile at him. "I'm saddened by you not staying in New York. We won't be able to have our weekend chats," and he laughs and squeezes my hand firmly. "We'll always have each other, no matter what" and I nod in understanding but am still grief-stricken. "I guess I never thought about you getting accepted and being in another field office. I guess I was just too hopeful." "You can never be too hopeful and maybe one day, we'll be assigned to work together." "Maybe" I respond with tears in my eyes. I'm suppose to be the strong one but I can't handle it, not having him in my life even if it's only as a friend. "Oh Monica." John wipes the tears from my eyes and places a delicate kiss on my cheek. "I promise I'll never forget you. You helped me when my life was turned upside down. I owe you one." I smile as the tears fall down my cheeks. "We're just friends," I say more to myself than to him. More as a reminder of what we'll never have, never know and never experience. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. It would never work out. At least not while his marriage is falling apart but who knows what might come of this one day. "Monica we're more than that," John says and presses another kiss to my cheek and wraps his arms around me. He puts his legs up on the sofa and I move around so that I'm resting in his arms on the sofa. "You have no idea what you mean to me. Can I ask you something though?" I take a moment to catch my breath and the tears subside. "Yeah, anything." I say and he trails his fingers along my arms, sending a chill down my spine. I swear I can feel him laugh beneath me when he does this. "Why?" "Why what? John." I'm confused about what he's asking and I turn my head back towards the side to look into his blue eyes. His eyes search mine and I swear I'm looking right into his soul and very existence. "Why have you been there for me? I'm not trying to sound ungrateful Monica. Believe me I couldn't have done this without you, but I guess I don't understand it. I mean if I was in your place I probably wouldn't have done the same thing." I lay my head back down on his chest and in the crook of his arms and look up at the ceiling unveiling life's mysteries. "Do you wish I hadn't?" I ask him. "Of course not Mon, I just can't understand why though. I mean no one else even called on the anniversary of my son's death. No one seemed to care, but you. You were there through everything and I guess I don't understand why." "Some things aren't meant to be understood," I tell him mysteriously and I feel his gaze penetrating into my soul. "Seriously Mon. I need to know." "Why does it matter? I was there for you, isn't that enough?" I sit up and turn towards him looking him eye to eye. His gaze is like he's trying to decipher me. Trying to read what I'm getting at and whether he wants to get there too. "I'm sorry." He says and gives me a hug. "I don't want you upset Mon." "I guess I just don't want you to go. I'm being selfish I know." "No you're not." John states and I lay my head on his shoulder. "Maybe I don't want to go." "What?" I ask him barely above a whisper. Trying to keep the tears from spilling out again. "I don't want to lose you Monica. Even if I just lose seeing you, I'm not sure I could take that, but there's something else I need to tell you." "What?" I look up into his pale blue eyes, and he wipes the tears that have fallen. "I asked for to be assigned to the D.C. field office." I'm stunned by this realization that he wants to leave New York. It makes sense, I should have known. I mean the memories of his sons murder, his soon to be ex-wife, I guess I probably couldn't take much more either if I was in his place. If I were him, I probably couldn't take much more of seeing me either. After all, I remind him of all the pain in his life, it's better that he leaves me behind. "Are you mad?" John asks me, his eyes pleading for something more than the blank look I'm giving him. "I guess I'm just stunned that's all. You sounded upset that you were leaving." "I am upset Monica. I didn't realize how hard the transfer would be. I mean I asked for it when I first applied to Quantico and didn't think anything of it. I wanted to be in D.C., you know the main headquarters. I didn't think what this would do to `us'." He emphasizes the word `us' and he's left me confused again. "There is no `us'." I remind him and he looks hurt like I've slapped him in the face. "I'm sorry," I say apologetically but he shakes his head. "You're right. It still feels like I'm losing you though." "You'll never lose me" I tell him and intertwine our fingers. "I'll always be here." I state more to myself than to him, about being here, and thinking of New York and how he'll be in D.C. "Maybe once I get my foot in the door, I can get you transferred to D.C." and I laugh with tears in my eyes. "That would be nice but don't worry about me John. I'll be fine." "I know you will, but I'd still like to do something for you in return. I mean if you'll let me." "You don't have to do anything for me John." I tell him and he places a kiss on the top of my head. "But maybe I want to." "John" I respond softly "there's no need, we're friends." "I guess what I want is selfish anyways." "What?" I ask him intrigued. Knowing what he wants and fearing it is what I want too. "Nevermind. I wanted to do something for you and all I think about is myself. Damn it," John says and I run my fingers along his back trying to calm and comfort him. "John tell me what you want." I say giving him the chance at opening up what we have. I know I shouldn't, after all he is separated and he's still grieving. I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of curiosity being emitted through our conversation. "I shouldn't," he states and I know not to push him. When he's good and ready he'll tell me and if there isn't time then perhaps whatever it is, isn't meant to be. "I hate to be over staying my welcome," he says and I laugh. "You're always welcome here. You can stay the night if you want, I'll sleep on the couch again. I know things aren't great between you and Barbara." "Yeah" he states rather gloomily. I'm assuming it's because I've reminded him of some upsetting news, "thanks" he tries to sound a little more cheerful when he thanks me but I know he's still torn with everything that's happened. "So when are you moving to D.C.?" I quip and he's silent for a moment. "Monica I should have told you sooner, but it slipped my mind. I knew it was possible that I'd be in D.C. but I didn't realize it was definite until recently. I have to be in D.C. by Monday morning." John looks me in the eyes and I want to cry. I know tears are forming again but I try everything in my power to hold them back. I don't want him to remember me upset. I want him to remember everything good that's happened between us. Everything that we've accomplished as friends. "Wow" I state for lack of a better word. "Have you made arrangements for where you'll be staying?" "Yeah. It's all arranged and taken care of. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I guess I couldn't think of the right thing to say." I begin to interrupt but he places a finger over my lips to hush me. "Plus I wanted us to be able to spend one final weekend together." "What about Barbara?" I know I shouldn't bring her back up, but I need to know what's going on with his relationship. Maybe it isn't my business but I need to know. "We're getting a divorce and right now I don't have a place to stay for the weekend." "I told you John that you could stay here." I smile up at him but he laughs. "I know, but I don't want to impose Monica. I already deprived you of your bed last night. I couldn't do that to you again." His hand brushes mine and his thumb rubs against the skin of my flesh. The feeling is incredible and it's such a gentle yet intimate gesture. "If I stayed the night, would you do me a favor?" "Anything for you John." The words escape my mouth before I even realize what I've said. John looks me in the eyes and his lips curve a small fraction of a smile. He's blushing a little I notice and I can't determine whether it's from what I said or what he's about to ask. "I wanna hold you." John states and I lean into his embrace. "You already are," and I smile up into his beautiful blue eyes. "I mean tonight, in bed. Last night when you came into the room after the dream I had, your touch soothed me and I'd like us to share that until I leave. Unless of course you're uncomfortable with that." "Of course I'm ok with that John. Come on" I say and then I press my lips to his hand and stand up. We make our way to my bedroom and flip on the television to occupy us for the mean time. We lie in bed, John on his back and I'm on my side resting along John. My hand rests on his chest and I can feel his pulse beating through his shirt. To me he feels more alive than he's ever been, and I wish I could experience everything with him. Everything special that's meant to be experienced: happiness, ecstasy, and content to name a few. However in this moment of time I am content. Content to be with him, even if it's just for this final night. I don't want to lose him, I know I won't at least not forever but I also don't want to see him go. Maybe I should let go of him, let him be free to see the world, as he should. At times I feel like I've only held him back, and I make him remember his pain and his loss. I don't want to think about that tonight though. Not when we have this final evening to spend together before he's gone. In a way I feel as though a piece of me is dying but I know right now that I'm more alive then ever, like him. I rest my head on his chest and shut my eyes. I feel his arm wrap around me and I cuddle into his touch. He whispers into my ear "I'm going to get changed for bed" and he rolls me gently off of him so he can get up. I whimper from the loss and open my eyes to see that he doesn't get off the bed. He sits up and pulls his shirt off and removes his pants as well. He's left in nice black boxers and his muscles are incredible. I take in a breath trying to calm my nerves and he lies back down on the bed. He puts his arm out to me so that I can roll back along side him, but I sit up. I hadn't even thought of what to wear to bed. I walk over to my dresser and rummage through some pajamas till I find something practical. I pull out a tank top and pair of matching shorts that are one size to small; when was the last time I wore something practical? I consider changing in the bathroom but I'm too tired to move, so I sit on the edge of the bed and pull off my shirt and bra. I can feel John's eyes watching me but I try to ignore it. I don't want to end up having him feel he made a mistake with me or about leaving. I just want to live in the moment, if even for tonight, but I know deep down that some things must remain, while others may transform. I slip my tank top on over my head and work on my pants next. I slide them ever so slowly off my legs, almost seductively and sit on the edge of the bed for a moment actually contemplating on whether or not I should even wear the shorts. I figure I might as well and slide them over my thighs. They're pretty short and they don't leave much to the imagination, but oh well. I smile back over to John and he waits for me to lie down beside him. John is now lying on his side and I slip into bed beside him. He wraps his arm around me and I cuddle into his warm skin. I feel his fingers splay on my skin and his touch is light yet gentle. His fingers sweep my hair behind my ears. I can feel his breath on my ear when he whispers "you're incredible." I turn my head back and my face is gently resting on his flesh. Our lips are mere millimeters apart and I can feel his mouth pulsing out to me, telling me to take it in my own. "What do you mean?" I ask coyly and I can feel him stirring behind me. He lies on his back and I roll around to face him. I'm lying on the bed, sort of, propped up on my arms, and my face is hovering above his looking him eye to eye curious and interested from his words. "You're incredible Monica--you're beautiful, honest, and most of all sincere. I don't know any other person that cares about me as much as you have. You're the reason that I can wake up in the mornings. After Luke's death, I couldn't get up in the mornings; I'd sleep my life away, wishing I took his place." "Oh John" I place a delicate kiss on his cheek and rest my head on his shoulder. "You have no idea how much you mean to me either." I try to hold back my tears but I can't keep them from flowing. I don't want to cry but I can't help it. I know I won't see John for a while and I can't take the thought of something terrible happening to him. "Promise me we'll keep in touch and stay this close forever." He says to me and I laugh at his words. "John we'll always be friends" and I pause to find the right words, "but you'll find someone to remarry one day and you won't want me around then." I don't want my words to sound hurtful but I'm already hurt by the realization that he'll move on. He needs to move on, let the past remain in the past, but I am also a part of that past, which scares me. It scares me that he'll in the end only remember the death of Luke and all the bad that surrounded our friendship. "Monica, I'm not sure that I could ever remarry. I fear that I could never love someone as much as I once did, and to have that stolen from me, it kills me. I'm not sure that I'd ever want to do that again." I look up into his eyes "even with all the good that happened, you wouldn't do it all again?" "I don't know," he stammers. He looks like a lost boy, confused and afraid of the future. Afraid of getting his heart broken and instead locks himself up tight, away from the world. I'm not sure how I've been given a key, but I know that I hold one, and one day maybe things will change. Maybe he'll be able to let go, and love again. Until that day though, I'll always remain as a friend because I'd rather have him in my life this way, then no way at all. I drift off to sleep with John's arms holding me tight. ***************** I feel John stirring beside me and I open my eyes to the light shining in. I smile and roll over to see John sit up and I place my hand on his thigh. "Where are you heading?" I ask him and he looks at the clock. "I have to be in D.C. in a few hours Mon." "You said Monday." "Yeah I start work Monday there, I have to drive down this afternoon." "Awww" I whine and he starts to get up. I grab his hand and try to pull him back down onto the bed. John's has an incredibly strong body and when I grabbed his hand to pull him onto the bed he barely moved, so I rest my body on my knees and grab his waist and knock him down on his back. "OOOFFF" he lets out playfully and I'm hovering above his body, just barely holding on. He grabs my hips and gently splays his fingers on my skin. I can't help but laugh as his touch tickles me and I fall onto John. He's grinning at me and I swat him playfully in return. "Proud of yourself?" I quip and he laughs. "Of course Mon. You never told me you were ticklish." My waist remains on John's flesh but I lift my chest off of him to look him in the eyes. My arms are to the sides of John, propping me up. "It's not something I blab to everyone John." I say and smile on down at him. "I thought you told me everything?" He gives me his most hurtful expression and I laugh. "Oh and you tell me everything?" "Yeah I do." John states and I roll my eyes. "Well I don't ask for all the nitty gritty details." "But I trust you, so I tell them to you." He states and rests his fingers on my waist. "I trust you too John. If you ever asked me anything, you know I'd tell you the truth. Hell you know more about me than I probably do!" I laugh and he smiles up at me. My body once again completely rests on John and I unconsciously run my hand along his bare chest. I can feel his heartbeat quicken and I inwardly smile at the thought that I could be doing this to him. I see him watching me running my hands along his skin and it dawns on me what I'm actually doing. A blush rises to my cheeks and I slip off of John and sit up. He rests his arm behind my back and I feel his fingers running circles on my flesh. He sits up and whispers into my ear "thanks for letting me hold you last night." "Anytime John" I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. "Anytime." I repeat. He places a soft chaste kiss on my cheek and stands up from the bed. He stretches with his back to me, and only now do I see his well- defined muscles, "damn" I say without realizing it. "What Mon?" John says and turns around to face me. I know I'm blushing but I can't help. He's caught me starring and muttering how hot he is, and I can't even think of something sensible as an excuse. "Your physique is incredible." I blurt out grinning like an idiot, before I realize it, and now it's John's turn to blush. "Thank you Monica" he smiles down at me, and presses a gentle kiss on the top of my head. Then he picks up his clothes from the day before and heads towards the bathroom. When he comes back from the bathroom he puts his watch on and grabs his badge and wallet from the table beside the bed. "Are you leaving now?" I ask him and he nods. "Yeah I have to Mon. We'll still keep in touch, alright? Whenever I need you on a case I'll call ya and bug ya. You'll be sure to not want me around then, giving you more work to do." He winks at me and I laugh wiping the tears from my eyes. I stand up and give him a hug. "Promise me this won't be the end," I say and he nods. "They'll always be another chapter in our lives." The End.