From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 11:19:14 -0500 Subject: Between the Two of Us by Shanda Weeks Source: direct Reply To: ShanaGail26@hotmail.com Title: Between the Two of Us Author: Shanda Weeks Rating: R for disturbing imagery E-mail: ShanaGail26@hotmail.com Category: VRA Keywords: MSR, Duel Character Death Archive: Gossamer, Haven - yes - anyone else, e-mail me and let me know where. Disclaimer: Not mine. ~*~ Author's Note ~*~ I normally do not write character death, but the tension in my own life and the depth of emotion behind this particular subject inspired me to write it. Please let me know how I did as it is my first attempt at death and at touching on a very serious matter that is close to a lot of people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Friday, 2pm Fox Mulder's office FBI Headquarters Mulder sat behind his desk, absently working a pencil between his teeth. There was a file open in front of him, but he hadn't been concentrating on it for a while now. No, today his mind was on his partner. Scully had taken off right after lunch, claiming she had some errands to run. But something about the way she'd been acting lately just didn't fit right with him. She seemed tense, withdrawn. Sad, even. And she looked like she'd been losing weight, the dark circles under her eyes more than enough to tell him she wasn't sleeping. He knew something was wrong, the problem was Scully wouldn't tell him what was going on. She'd been spending a lot of time at her mother's house recently and a lot of time avoiding him. About a week ago, Mulder had come into the office to hear her abruptly end a phone call as though he might hear what she was saying. It just wasn't like her to hide things from him. The only thing she'd ever hidden from him was the cancer.....oh god. It couldn't be....could it? Mulder shuddered and closed his eyes, willing the thought from his head. Then the phone started to ring. "Mulder," he said tersely. "Agent Scully, please," the unfamiliar voice on the other end said. "She's out. Can I take a message for her?" "Yes, sir. Could you please tell her to call Dr. Elliot about her first treatment at her earliest convenience?" Mulder couldn't breath, his mouth suddenly felt dry. He forced the words out, "I--Yes, as soon as she returns." The woman on the other end thanked him and hung up. Mulder sat, the phone still in his hand, staring at it as if it held all the answers. Dr. Elliot, her first treatment? What the hell was going on? He reached out to dial the number the woman had given and realized his hand was shaking. The phone rang twice before someone answered in a clipped voice, "Oncology" Mulder slammed the phone down and just sat there for a long time. Scully, Scully....god...no...not again. Please, no. Not Scully. No, no, no, no.....He wasn't aware that he had stood up, but suddenly found himself standing in front of his desk. With an anguished cry he angrily swept his arm out, knocking everything from the desktop into the floor. At that moment he heard the door open and the soft click of Scully's heels behind him. "Mulder?' her voice was low and concerned. And for some reason that made him angry. Angry at her for not telling him, angry at himself for getting her into this in the first place. He spun on her, his eyes flashing. "When were you going to tell me?!" "Wha--?" she stammered, but he cut her off. "Dr. Elliot called, Scully. When were you going to tell me? When? When you were too sick to work? When you were in the hospital again? Never?" he was almost screaming and he knew it. But he couldn't stop himself. If he stopped he knew that it would hurt and right now he wasn't sure if he could handle the pain, so he held as tightly as he could to his anger. Scully's shoulders sagged slightly, but she held his gaze calmly. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I didn't want to upset you. I'm sorry you found out this way. I was going to tell you before I started the treatments," she answered softly, trying to make him understand. "How long?" his voice was still cold, but she could see the anguish behind his eyes. She knew what he was asking and she knew that she couldn't tell him. She couldn't do that to him. "I-I don't know," she lied, hoping he would believe her. He didn't. Instead he spun around and slammed his fist into the filing cabinet. As she watched she felt herself getting angry at him. How dare he? It wasn''t his life. It didn't really have anything to do with him. She'd spent the last seven years following him around like a little puppy and he had the nerve to be angry about this? "Fuck you, Mulder," she hissed. Mulder stopped and turned back to her. He was stunned at what he saw, pure outright rage. Directed at him. For a second he thought because he had overreacted so badly, he knew he had. But then, a small voice in his head told him it was probably because it was his fault in the first place that she had to deal with this disease. "Scully, I'm sorry," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Fuck you, Mulder," she said again. "How dare you? What gives you the right to be upset with me about this? For seven years, Mulder. Seven years. I've followed you everywhere you went. And what has it given me?" There were tears running down her face now. "I have been there for you, supported you, defended you, and saved your ass on a regular basis. And what has my reward been? I'll tell you! My family has been forever altered, I will never have children. The one I did have I never got to know before she died. I have no memory of three months of my life." She stopped, drawing a ragged breath. "And I'm going to die. Probably in the next couple months. So, how dare you throw a temper tantrum because I chose to deal with my death in private!" Mulder stood there numbly, her words ripping through him like a knife. Oh, god. No. His mind couldn't grasp onto anything else except that she'd said it. She was going to die in the next few months. And it was his fault. He'd done this to her. She was right. Seven years. He'd taken everything she had and now that she had nothing left for them to take, he was going to get her killed. He felt as though he'd been kicked in the gut. He couldn't stay here. Without saying anything else, Mulder turned and exited the office, trying to get away before the tears started to fall. Scully watched him go, suddenly unable to go after him. She was in shock. She couldn't believe the things she'd just said to Mulder. Oh, god. She hadn't meant that. She didn't blame him for any of those things. It wasn't his fault. None of it was his fault. He was hurting as much as she was. She knew that. She had always known that. But she'd known the moment the words left her mouth the damage she'd done. Mulder's whole body had sagged and the beautiful light that always flickered behind his soft hazel eyes when he looked at her had died. She felt the tears falling silently down her cheeks. All she wanted was his comfort, his love. She loved him so much. But she couldn't say those things to him. Not now. Not after everything she'd just said. And not when she was about to die. She couldn't hurt him like that. ************ Fox Mulder's apartment 6pm Mulder said on his couch, staring blankly at his coffee table. In front of him were his badge, his Glock, a letter to Scully, and the small framed photo of Samantha. He'd felt so lost after he left the office today. He'd wandered around DC for a long time before ending up here. He wasn't sure how he could do this. He knew he couldn't watch Scully die. It wasn't something he was capable of. His heart and soul would die with her. If she were gone he'd have no reason to carry on. Nothing, not even his search for the truth seemed as important as Scully. His eyes focused on the envelope with her name on it. He'd written her a short letter. Not anything really, just the key to his safe deposit box and a short list of items that she could give to the gunmen. It didn't feel right. He had to tell her. But, he need her to know before she found him. He shuddered as he moved slowly to his computer. She would sit down to check her email at seven. she always did, right after her bath. So, he'd write her and she'd find it tonight. By the time anyone figured out what had happened she would have time to understand how he felt and why he did the things he did. Dear Scully, Okay, that sounded weird. Dear. Well, I guess it's true. You are the most precious thing in my fucked up little corner of the world. I'm so sorry that I yelled at you today. You didn't deserve that. I really never meant to hurt you. But I don't seem to do anything but hurt you, do I? You were right, Scully. All of it. You always are. I have dragged you around on my little quest for seven years now and always expected you to be there. I gave you absolutely nothing in return for your loyalty. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than that. So much more than what I have ever given you. And the thing I can't figure out is why you stayed all these years. Why? Look at what staying has cost you, Scully. Melissa, Emily, the hope you had of a family and children, your life..... oh god, baby. I have essentially taken the only thing that matters to me. You. I made you a target because I was so selfish that I couldn't let you walk away. I gave in to my own needs without stopping to think about what it was costing you. I got you murdered as sure as I got Melissa murdered. Only, I'm absolutely sure that this is going to hurt so much more. I know, I know that you say it's them. That they have done this to you. But, Scully, I saw it in your eyes, heard it in your words. Even if you can't admit it to me outright, you do hold me responsible for some of it. Hell, I hold me responsible for all of it, so I don't blame you at all. I just wish that I could go back and force you to leave before it went this far. Get you away from me before they decided to get rid of you. I'm sorry....so very sorry, Scully. I know that isn't enough. It will never be enough. I can never do enough to help you. And I will never be able to show you how much you mean to me. Jesus, Scully. I love you so much it hurts me. And that's why I wouldn't let you leave me. I couldn't stand the thought of never seeing you again. I'm sorry. I should have let you go. Well, I'm letting you go now. I know that I've waited too late. I know that they have succeeded in slowly killing you and me leaving now won't stop it. But, damn it, Scully, I can't watch you die. I can't sit here and watch your life slowly draining out of you. I can't. I'm so sorry. I know, it's the coward's way out. I know.....I've always been a coward, Scully. Especially where you are concerned. But, I would have given you anything you asked for. I would move heaven, earth, hell......even god himself if I could save you now. But I suppose I've already proved that. Trading 'Samantha' for you, Antarctica, and all the other little times when my life seemed to only be here for you. And that's how I wanted it. I needed it to be that way. I needed to be with you and have you with me. In any way I could have. I--I guess that's all that I can say, Scully. Except I'm sorry. god, I'm so sorry. Please, please someday understand me and my actions. Please forgive me for a ll I've done to you. Just please, Scully, please don't ever hate me.... Forever yours, Mulder Without taking the time to re read or think about it he hit the send button and watched as his box flashed that the message had been sent. It was over. He could finally let her go now. She knew the truth and that was what was most important to him. He could only hope that she would find it in her heart to forgive him for being such a coward. And to understand what his motives had been all these years. He moved slowly, walking back to his couch and sitting down. Her picture was in his ID folder with his badge and he gently withdrew it. His fingers traced the features on her face and the beautiful smile she wore blurred with his tears. He had finally lost her forever. She had told him the thing he always feared and the thing he always knew. It was his fault. He had done this to her. His hand closed around the grip of his pistol and he lifted it, the weight somehow comforting him. The barrel was cold as he pressed it against the side of his head. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut and a slow motion movie of times he spent with Scully was spinning through his head, dancing on his closed eyelids. "I'm sorry, Scully. I love you so much," he whispered to the silent apartment as his finger started to tighten on the trigger. ************* Dana Scully's apartment 6:15pm Scully growled unhappily as she flung open her door and walked into the apartment. She'd waited all afternoon for Mulder to come back. He didn't. Nor did he answer his phone. She was really worried about him. The things she'd said to him today. She hadn't meant any of it. They were words she'd thrown out in anger because she knew it would hurt. And at the time she had wanted to hurt him as much as she was hurting. But now all she wanted to do was apologize to him. Hold him and assure him that it wasn't his fault. None of it was his fault. She sighed and started toward the bathroom. For some reason she couldn't understand she changed direction and went to her computer. She quickly started it up and went to her email. The icon flashed that she had mail and as she opened it she felt a sense of dread welling up in her heart. It was from Mulder. As she started to read her legs felt weak and she had to sit down. The farther she went the more upset she became. He loved her. It was a confession of love. For a moment she wasn't' sure if she should laugh or cry. He loved her! But, she was going to die. As she neared the end of the letter the sense of dread returned full force. "Oh my god! He's saying goodbye," she whispered to herself. And then it all made sense. She could feel the pain etched into the words he'd written. And the goodbye could only mean one thing. The thing she had always feared would tear them apart. Mulder's demons. Mulder was going to kill himself. She could feel it right down in her bones. She had to hurry. She checked the time stamp on the top of the message and discovered he had only sent it recently. She still had time. Without thinking twice she grabbed her keys and left. *********** 6:32pm Fox Mulder's apartment Scully raced up the four flights of stairs as fast as she could. She hadn't wanted to wait on the elevator when she'd arrived. She didn't think she had ever gotten to Mulder's apartment so fast before. Her heart was thudding heavily in her chest as she hurried along the hallway. Her brain had kept repeating the same phrase over and over again all the way. Please let me get there in time. Please let me get there in time. She was half way to his door when the loud retort of a gun rang through the building. She froze in place for half a heart beat, then she was running. Running toward Mulder, hoping and praying and begging whatever was listening that it wasn't too late. That she could save him. That she could tell him she was sorry, she loved him, please not to ever leave her. She grabbed the doorknob and was surprised to find it unlocked. That was definitely not like Mulder. Another testament to his state of mind. These thoughts were all playing around in her head as she flung the door open and entered the apartment. Then she stopped and stared, her body feeling weak and her head swimming. Mulder was on the couch, half sitting half laying across one end. His Glock was hanging loosely from his right hand. And there was blood seeping steadily from a wound on the side of his head. Scully knew she was moving, running across the small room to him. Her mind refusing to believe what she saw. No, maybe she could still save him. Maybe it hadn't done too much damage. She didn't realize that there were tears running down her face as she dropped to her knees in front of him. She reached out and lifted his head from where it lay against the armrest. "Oh, god! Mulder!" she sobbed loudly. The couch was covered in blood and brain matter. As much as her heart wanted to argue, her doctor's mind knew that he was gone. She was too late. Mulder was gone. Her arms reached out and pulled his limp body to her, cradling him against her chest and rocking slightly. Her body was shaking and she could barely breath as she hung onto him, willing him to live, to wake up, to look at her, to know the truth. But he didn't. He couldn't. And he never would. She buried her face in the bloody hair at the top of his head and wept, murmuring softly over and over again, "Mulder, I love you.... Mulder, Mulder, Please. I'm so sorry, please. I love you." ************* Three weeks later Georgetown Memorial Hospital Scully sat quietly in the bed, staring at her doctor. This was not possible. Everything in her being told her this couldn't possibly be happening. It just couldn't be. She looked over at her mother and saw the same expression written on her face. But it was for a different reason. The doctor had just told them that she would live. Somehow, her cancer had gone into remission again. Scully shuddered. No. Please, this can't be happening. She realized that she should be happy. She was going to survive this. But at what cost? And had that been the plan all along? She couldn't help but wonder. They -- those shady figures that she and Mulder had always chases after-- had given her this disease. Was it possible that they were saving her now because Mulder was gone? Did the disappearance of her cancer have anything to do with the fact that she had buried Mulder two weeks ago? "Um...I think I need a few minutes, if that's okay," she said quietly as she looked back at her mother. Maggie nodded and she and the doctor left the room together. Scully sat there stunned for a long moment. Then she reached over to the table beside her bed and opened the drawer. Her fingers closed around the two items she was searching for and brought them out. She had discovered so much about Mulder when he died. That he loved her was the biggest thing. But also, he had carried a picture of her in his ID folder with his badge for years. In the safe deposit box he'd had a ring. There had been a note attached to it, dated from during her abduction. He'd bought the ring for her, to ask her to marry him. But when she returned he hadn't had the courage to do it. And so he waited. Hoping that someday they would have the chance to explore the feelings between them. Her fingers traced Mulder's badge. She'd kept it. Along with several other things from the scene. She shuddered as she remembered finding Mulder. Tears began to run down her face and splash onto her hands. She had done this to Mulder. Her words, tossed careless out in anger, had inflicted a damage that she had never been able to repair. She had never been able to tell him she was sorry. Or that she loved him. He would never know that the reason she had stayed all those years was because she loved him like no one else and she would have done anything for him. And now....she closed her eyes, an image of Mulder smiling at her dancing across her eyelids. Now she was going to live. But she wasn't sure if she could do this. Not without Mulder. He'd said that to her once. That he couldn't' do it without her, didn't want to try. Well, she understood now. She wasn't sure she had the courage or the strength to face this life without him. He had been her strength and her faith for so long that she wasn't' sure if she could function without him around. She certainly hadn't been the past couple weeks. Her eyes opened and dropped to her lap. Mulder's badge lay there alongside his Glock. She had kept the gun. Actually, had stolen it from the police after the scene had been cleaned up. For a reason she could comprehend she had felt as though she needed it, to hold her close to him. To be able to reach out to the man he was in the last moments of his life. A quiet sob escaped her lips as she realized that Mulder had died believing that she blamed him for all the horrible things they had endured. She hadn't. Her fingers reflexively curled around the gun. Her heart shattering all over again as she imagined what Mulder must've felt as he'd done the same thing. The weight of the gun in her hand felt comfortable to her. After all she'd seen, it was odd that the instument of Mulder's death would bring her comfort. But it could also bring her to him. She lifted it toward her chin and squeezed her eyes shut. "I love you, Mulder," she whispered. "Please wait for me." ***************THE END*************** All my other fics are archived in The X-Files Fortress http://xffortress.tripod.com