From: "saint35 x" Date: Tue, 22 May 2001 03:26:13 -0400 Subject: Big Black Pupils (1/1) (resend!) Source: direct Big Black Pupils (1/1) Author: saint35 Email: saint35x@hotmail.com Date: May 22, 2001 Rating: PG Classification: S,R,H, Badfic Disclaimer: 2, 4, 6, 8: Who do we appreciate? 3, 5, 7, 9: Mulder and Scully are not mine! 10, Chris, Fox, 13: nothing rhymes with "thirteen" but that's who they belong to. GO TEAM! Summary: Hmm...Mulder, Scully, jelly, informants, dead and missing relatives, and every X-files fanfic plot I could think of on the spur of the moment combined into one big free for all. (If you're like me and get annoyed by poor grammar and the incorrect usage of "you're" and "your," just remember that's the vein the story's written in.) Spoilers: Extremely vague spoilers through the end of season six. Feedback: Uh, sure, why not? If you have an extra few minutes to tell me what deep, writhing emotions rose unbidden from the chasms of your soul at the reading of this tale...(Um, wait, I can't finish the sentence yet. My thesaurus fell on the floor. * Grunt * * Thud * Ok, there we go.)...please do not hesitate to cast your thoughts down upon the page and relay them to my waiting eyes! In case you didn't notice, that last part was to convince you that I really can spell, as is belied by the story below. Seriously, drop me a line if you've got time. ********************************************** Big Black Pupils ********************************************** Mulder looked deep into Scully's blue eyes. He gasped a little at what he saw there; he almost couldn't believe it. There were such big black pupils! And tiny red blood vessels, like he had never seen before. "Oh Scully" he cried! "I am such a fool! I killed your father and your sister and your dog and your mother and and and" Mulder started hiccupping as he choked on his words. Scully just sat there, her big black pupilled eyes filling with salty tears. "Its alright Fox!" Scully tried to comfort him. "I love you anyway!" Mulder suddenly smiled from ear to ear. "I love you Dana" he said. "And I'm glad your not upset about your mother." Scully made a confused face. "You mean you really did kill my mother" she asked? "Well, it was an accident...she came up behind me and when I heard her voice I thought she was X so I turned around very fast and shot her." Mulder was so heartbroken and he thought the guilt would kill him. Then he remembered that Scully loved him, and he didn't feel so heartbroken anymore. Scully's big black pupils got bigger and blacker, and her tiny red blood vessels got bigger and bloodier. "You killed my mother!" she screamed. "You shot my mother because you thought she was X? That's ridiculous, Mulder!" "But, but Scully? I thought you loved me?" Scully saw Mulder's somewhat guilty eyes and somewhat heartbroken expression and melted into a little puddle about the consistency of green alien blood. "Oh Mulder, your right. I could never stop loving you! And when I stop to think about it, I guess sometimes my mother did sound like a middle aged black man. Oh, Mulder, I don't blame you!" Mulder sniffed some and made a 'well it's about time' noise in the back of his throat. "Thanks, Scully. Now I have to run off to New Mexico but I'm not going to tell you where I'm going or what I'm doing there because I want to protect you but really because I'm just egocentric and forget about you a lot of times but anyway it's probably a profiling case for the VCS and I'll probably forget to eat and sleep and go to the bathroom for a few weeks because I always forget about bodily functions when your not around and also I'll probably fall in love with a little gnome or something similar and youll have to come save me from a serial killer and a tribe of rabid gnomes and also aliens and the syndicate who will be there too and when you come save me then you can fall into my arms and I'll cry and then we'll kiss a lot and then everything will be A-OK." Mulder's face was blue from his monologue. "Inhale, exhale," Scully instructed. When Mulder's face returned to its normal hue, Scully told him it was okay for him to run off to New Mexico without her. "While your there," she said, "I will probably only worry about you all the time and call you incessantly to nag you about eating and sleeping because I don't have anything better to do seeing as you killed my mother and all well I could go see Bill, Jr. but then again I forgot that I hate my brother because he doesn't like you but anyhow I will probably just cry because I don't know where you are and go see the lone gunmen and be insulted by Frohike and find out where you are so I can come kill of the little gnome and get kidnapped and impregnated by the syndicate and then get returned and then get taken by the serial killer until you can come save me after which I will make you eat and then we'll kiss a lot and get married and have a little baby named Samantha Melissa Willa Scully-Mulder or Samuel Melvin William Fox Mulder-Scully and work on the x-files and live happily ever after." Scully took a deep breath, and put her hand on her abdomen. "See, I can feel the little miracle now," she said. "Scully, I think that's just heartburn," Mulder explained. "What, no cockamamie theory this time?" she challenged. "I'm saving it for later," he replied. "I only get one per episode and I don't want to waste it on your dumb heartburn." "Sure. Fine. Whatever." "Are you mad at me?" "Mulder, I'm fine." "Scully, talk to me!" "You don't trust me!" "You're the only one I trust!" "What about Diana then?" "Scully, you're my touchstone...she's only my runner-up touchstone! You're my one in five billion! Shes only my one in six hundred!" "Oh Mulder I'm sorry! I'm being such a witch! I'm in love with Skinner!" Mulder eyes popped out of his face. "You are?" "Um, no, I just wanted to see your expression when I said that." She giggled. A lot. Like a little girl with an IQ that barely rivaled a bullfrog's. Mulder laughed too, all the way down to his black silk boxers. He scratched his thigh a little. "Whats wrong Mulder?" Scully asked, all concerned. "It's my leg - I'm allergic to silk!" Scully fell on the floor laughing again, but the laughter quickly turned to tears. "Mulder its all because of Samantha isn't it! When they took her you couldn't wear fantasy fodder underpants anymore!" Mulder cried some. "your right Scully! I repressed my memories, but I could wear silk before...before..." He broke down in tears on the sofa. Scully patted his head and went to make herself a sandwich while he cried. When she came back, he looked up at her. "Did you make me a sandwich?" he asked very very timidly. "Nope!!" she yelled triumphantly. She took a big bite of the sandwich and chewed it very loudly. "Ive got a sandwich Ive got a sandwich" she chanted. Mulder got angry and got his gun and shot her and took her sandwich. "I'll just tell the police I thought she was Deep Throat," he said in between bites of sandwich. "Hey, this dumb sandwich doesn't even have any jelly!" It didn't have jelly because it was grilled cheese, but that's irrelevant. Mulder cried because the sandwich didn't have any jelly. There was no reason to live! He picked up his gun and pulled the trigger. Only the safety was on so nothing really happened. "Oh well" he said and picked up the rest of the sandwich and went off to find some jelly, stepping neatly over Scully's broken little body in the floor. The Smoking Man creeped out from behind the sofa and patted Scully's red mop. Then Frohike and Langley and Byers came out and they all carried Scully away so they could do neato bring folks back to life stuff to her. When she woke up she was very mad and went to kill Mulder. But when she found him she didn't kill him. He had jelly all over his face and looked very cute so instead she licked all the jelly off of him and then Father McCue came out of the refrigerator and married them. No, silly, Father McCue didn't * marry * marry them, he performed the ceremony! Then they had a little baby who they named Samantha Jelly Scully-Mulder which they laughed at because it sounded like a Ben and Jerrys ice cream name which they ate a lot of right out of the tub. Then they ordered a pizza and stabbed some alien necks. Oh yeah, and they lived happily ever after. THE END Author's Note: Sorry to every fanfic writer who's ever written a really good story. =) I just couldn't help myself. As seriously as I myself take the X-Files, and as much as I respect those of you who work hard to write good fiction, sometimes it's good to just laugh at myself a little. I hope no one has been offended by this; after all, I wouldn't make fun of the bad works of fanfiction if there weren't really excellent ones out there to counteract them. I have read some really great stories that rivaled works that are on the bestseller lists right now; a lot of you folks are extremely talented. Keep up the great work! P.S. (Can you postscript to a story?) I promise my spelling, grammar, and punctuation are better than that of the story. No flames for those things; they were on purpose!