From: Tasha Date: 20 Nov 2001 03:37:20 -0800 Subject: [all-xf] NEW: Big Brother Meets X Source: atxc TITLE: Big Brother Meets X - Our X-Crew in the House AUTHOR: Tasha EMAIL: tasha@thetruth.de DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and all associated characters belong to Chris Carter. Big Brother and all associated embarrassments belong to someone else. Please refrain from paying me. Thank you. CATEGORY/KEYWORDS: H, Crossover (kind of), AU SUMMARY: Er, see title. RATING: Apart from the fact that BB isn't suitable viewing for anyone - PG-13 SPOILER: Season 8, nothing specific AUTHOR'S NOTES: I wrote this quite a while ago, during early S8 (even before the Reyes Era), when I picked up the idea for it on a mailing list that doesn't even exist any more. So it obviously took me a while to post it, and I don't even have a good excuse. Almost everyone we know and/or love from the X-Files is in here - Mulder, Scully, Doggett, Skinner, Krycek (who's not dead in my little world), LGM, CSM, yadda, but no one is taken seriously, so it's safe reading for anyone who decides to read this as what it is: a humorous tribute to The X-Files. I'm really not bashing anyone, I'm just enjoying playing around. Thanks muchos to Cattie for her dictionary skills and for the most helpful, effective, kind nit-picking that she's so good at. On with the show. ****************************** Day 1: They move in. Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Krycek, Fowley, Marita C., the CSM and Doggett take possession of the Big Brother House. Diana complains because she's only allowed to bring one suitcase. Scully imposes a smoking ban in the bedroom, drawing the hatred of Marita upon herself. Skinner draws up a duty roster for the cooking, but Krycek won't hear anything of that. Otherwise, the day is spent unpacking. In the evening, as Mulder makes himself comfortable on the couch, Doggett starts playing his mouth organ quietly in the lounge. Snorting with rage, Mulder retreats to the bedroom. Day 2: Marita and Diana discuss homosexuality. Diana admits to certain inclinations in this direction. Marita nods understandingly. While Doggett continues his mouth organ practice in the lounge, Mulder and Scully check out the garden and name the hens. Skinner wanders absentmindedly through the house and, after tripping over Mulder's basketball shoes and banging his nose, eventually sits down on the couch to listen to Doggett. Krycek sleeps until 2 p.m. The CSM seems to have disappeared. Scully rearranges the entire kitchen. A long conversation between the contestants on the subject of their favorite films reveals that everyone but Mulder has seen 'Men in Black' and liked it very much. In the evening, Mulder waits until Doggett has stopped playing and then lies down on the couch. But he is obviously unable to sleep. Day 3: The weekly task: to organize a community polka- dance evening, winding up with some choral singing. Scully realizes that she hasn't brought the right shoes with her. Doggett diligently practices a polka on his mouth organ. Then comes trouble: Mulder's toothbrush has disappeared. But the CSM is back. Probably just wanted to get some cigarettes. When asked if he knows anything about a disappearing toothbrush he replies: "Toothbrush?" "There never was a toothbrush." When Krycek hears that Diana and Marita want to dance together, he sulks and decides to boycott the whole evening, whereupon Mulder takes him consolingly in his arms. Day 4: Excitement in the early morning hours: Diana and Marita have evidently spent the night together in the henhouse; at daybreak a hen had squawked with fright and. er. disturbed them. Marita bursts into tears, but Diana coolly rings the bird's neck. Mulder is desperately unhappy. It was the hen called Samantha. When Skinner hears this he immediately orders a committee meeting. Krycek wordlessly taps his forehead. The ratings drop significantly. The CSM has disappeared again. That evening in the diary room, Marita confesses that she loves Diana, and Mulder confesses that he can't sleep without his teddy bear. That has always been the case since he was younger and slept over at a friend's house for the first time. The chief producer personally collects Mulder's teddy from his apartment and hands it over to him. When Doggett begins his evening mouth organ practice, Mulder and Krycek beat him up with a cushion. Day 5: Scully's sulking. She's the only one who can dance a polka. And everyone wants to sing apart from her. Doggett volunteers for dancing lessons but Scully refuses. Krycek has uncovered two cameras, causing a short-circuit. His allowance is decreased as a punishment. A few viewers shout "Diana, you murderess! Out of the house!" over the fence. In the evening the contestants discuss the point, or pointlessness, of dress regulations. It turns out that Skinner would sometimes quite like to come to work dressed in some fancy women's clothing. Scully willingly offers him her assistance with the choice of color and style. The CSM has evidently disappeared for good. That evening in the diary room Doggett plays "Three blind mice" on his mouth organ. The ratings are still dropping. The first nomination takes place tomorrow. Day 6: Mulder gets up early and makes breakfast for everyone. He is ostentatiously friendly. Doggett's mouth organ has disappeared overnight; he suspects Krycek, who denies everything and wanders through the garden humming softly. After a further night in the henhouse Diana kills a second hen - in self-defence, as she puts it. As a result she is prematurely evicted from the house. She begins a career as a singer under the name "Hell's Angel". Marita cries for 8 hours together and decides to leave the next day. Mulder conjures up a five-course meal and serves drinks to everyone in their rooms. Doggett continues playing the mouth organ. He had brought a spare one with him. After this Krycek becomes more and more bad-tempered. In the evening the nominations are announced: Krycek and Doggett. Doggett plays "Lovin' an' leavin' you"; Krycek blows his nose noticeably often. Day 7: This morning Mulder doesn't make breakfast for everyone; he simply butters some toast for himself. Marita bids everyone an affectionate goodbye and leaves. Whereupon Krycek cries his eyes out on Skinner's shoulder. Later, the two of them fall into conversation about blue velvet and red eye-shadow. The weekly task is due; the contestants fail miserably: Scully polkas through the house without a partner, knocking down a few chairs on the way. The others sing, without agreeing on the pitch or the song. Besides, Krycek and Skinner have suddenly disappeared. But Doggett can now play four-part harmonies on his mouth organ. The task for the next week: Learn every X-file by heart, with date, place and persons involved (their first and last names, birthday, birthplace, full address, favorite ice- cream, and shoe size). To replace Marita and Diana, the Lone Gunmen will enter the house in the evening. Day 8: Another morning uproar in the henhouse - but this time it was just an argument between Krycek and Skinner; the hens are by now too shell-shocked to peck anyone. The producers thereupon demolish the henhouse and replace it with a tent containing a few nests and 28 cameras. Frohike proposes to Scully live before the cameras. Er, hang on. Nevermind. At any rate, Scully says no. Doggett can now play six-part harmonies on his mouth organ. Mulder has a bad day and pelts everyone with pencils. Skinner borrows some red eye-shadow from Scully. The ratings pick up a bit. Day 9: While Diana makes her millions as a singer and breaks every sales record in existence, a few distinct groups have formed within the house; Krycek and Skinner are now inseparable, and are sometimes joined and serenaded by Doggett. Mulder mostly hangs around with the Lone Gunmen, and Scully forms a deep friendship with the hens. While Mulder and the boys throw one cheese-steak party after another, things aren't looking so good for the weekly task. Mulder might be able to recite all the details of every X-file in three languages forwards, backwards and standing on his head, but Skinner considers it beneath his dignity to read through such documents, Krycek absolutely refuses to touch the files, his reason being that the dust would certainly damage his new nail varnish, the Lone Gunmen don't seem that keen on learning by heart, and Doggett makes a notable effort, but simply can't get past words like "infinitesimal", "apparition", "UFO" and "abductee". And Scully annoys Mulder by drawing up a two-page statement of the unscientific nature of his approach to each X-file, and learning that off by heart as well. Day 10: The Lone Gunmen complain about the number of cameras in the house, and hold the government responsible for the lack of privacy. Frohike constructs a device that reduces the quality of the picture filmed as soon as light falls on the lens. After 13 cameras have been broken in this way, the producers finally smell a rat and summon the Gunmen into the diary room. Frohike defends himself by declaring that he did it to prove his eternal love to Scully. Langly then draws him into a long argument about women and country- music. The chief producer likes country music too, and therefore decides not to evict the three Gunmen from the house - yet. With his allowance Mulder has gotten hold of a large supply of sunflower seeds. In the evening there is a sudden shriek of hatred: Krycek went to bed and suddenly found himself lying on a heap of empty sunflower shells. He is beside himself with fury, and confronts Mulder. Mulder laughs loudly at the sight of Krycek standing before him in pink pyjamas covered with little elephants and dinosaurs. Day 11: Frohike is making a nuisance of himself: he follows in Scully's footsteps wherever she goes. As this frightens the hens, Scully confronts him about it. He murmurs something about "wearing his heart on his sleeve" but Scully asks him to cut that out. In the diary room, Mulder mentions that he misses his porn collection and asks for a replacement. The chief producer promises to think it over. The ratings quadruple rapidly. Krycek has taken down the curtains to make a long, shoulder-free ball gown for himself, and is parading with it through the house, always careful to present the cameras with his 'best side' - by which he means his shoulders and chin. Doggett is now the proud owner of a violin and fiddles until late evening in the lounge, much to the annoyance of his fellow inmates. Day 12: Skinner and Krycek have obviously had a bad fight - they avoid each other as far as possible, Krycek's eyes are red with crying and Skinner is always in a bad mood. Scully tries to make peace. In the meantime, the Lone Gunmen are taking Krycek's bed apart. When Krycek withdraws for a siesta he sees the pile of wood that used to be his bed and bursts into floods of tears. He is inconsolable and wanders through the house, wailing loudly. After more than three hours, the producers decide to inform the house psychologist. Krycek is then led by a concerned Scully to the door, and takes leave. Skinner is devastated and takes up smoking. The CSM had left a few cigarettes behind. Scully sweeps up after Mulder and his sunflower seeds, which he is carefully scattering around the whole house. Day 13: Two topics of conversation at breakfast: the nominations, which are due the next day, and the weekly task, which is due in the evening. Scully asks who else can recite a few X-files by heart; evidently just Mulder and herself. Doggett is still trying to get at least some of the favorite ice-creams into his head. He also mentions with pride the fact that he can now accompany himself on the violin while playing the mouth organ. At this point Mulder throws the teapot at his head. Overnight the Lone Gunmen have put together a small laptop from a few rusty nails, an empty beer can, a telephone wire and a glass chopping board. They are now working on a modem and printer. The weekly task is completed successfully thanks to Mulder and Scully, who both know every X-file by heart and answer for the others. Day 14: The nominations this morning: Skinner and the Lone Gunmen. All three of them. Langly and Frohike blame each other and argue about Kung Fu and country music, while Byers composedly puts together the modem - up till now a small margarine tub. Skinner is now smoking 6 packets a day and is therefore banished to the garden. He accidentally sets fire to a hen in his sleep. The hens are by now so frightened that they don't lay eggs anymore. The next weekly task: to act out a well-known film. All they have to do is agree on a film - and that's where the problem starts. Mulder wants to act '9 1/2 Weeks', Scully a Lassie film, Skinner 'Rambo', Doggett 'Love Story', Frohike 'Striptease', Langley 'Dude, where's my car?' and Byers 'Sixth Sense'. A full-blown argument develops. Day 15: The modem works. At least, the Lone Gunmen are cautioned by the producers for trying to make contact with the outside world. Still no film has been agreed on. Doggett plays the theme tune to every film he can think of. In five- part harmonies and with accompaniment. Skinner threatens to kill him. Mulder is gradually running out of sunflower seeds and his mood is visibly worsening. For sheer boredom Scully trains the hens. By the evening they can all sit up and beg, bark on command and walk to heel. And while Krycek begins a successful acting career 'outside', and Diana is made a Lady, Skinner becomes more and more depressed. By the evening the contestants have finally agreed on a film: Gladiator. Mulder will play the Roman Emperor, Langly his horse, Byers the Colosseum, Skinner the emperor's sister, Scully the gladiator Maximus and Doggett his young son, and Frohike will play Tom Hanks on a lonely island - it's gonna be a crossover, so to say. Day 16: After Langly has set fire to three cameras in an attempt to make a hair-dryer, he is evicted from the house. Doggett plays the theme tune to Gladiator with great dedication. Scully tries out her part and stabs the air wildly with a long bread-knife. In doing so she accidentally injures Frohike, who was again standing directly behind her. With hurt feelings and a large plaster on his forehead he retreats into the garden to join Skinner. Skinner is smoking wordlessly, sitting on the large wooden table without his shirt or glasses. Mulder is making a toga for himself out of his sheets, and a laurel wreath out of a few spring onions. By the evening, Doggett can play the theme tune to Gladiator, Cast Away, Erin Brockovich, the Simpsons and the Peep Show forward and backward on the violin, the mouth organ and a kitchen spoon. Scully has taught the hens to shake hands and play Monopoly. In the meantime Mulder has run out of sunflower seeds, and turns to the hen food. Day 17: Uproar in the early morning: a piercing shriek from the garden sets the house in panic. Mulder falls off the couch with a muffled yelp, just having dozed off minutes before. Scully, curlers in hair, flaps around the house like a startled chicken in her pink dressing gown, and Frohike and Byers grope about like blind men - Frohike trying to find his glasses, Byers his contact lenses. Only Doggett seems unaffected by the general outcry. In order to practice without being disturbed, he's locked himself in the bathroom, and is sitting in the shower cabinet with his mouth organ and a large spoon. It emerges that a watchman had come nearer to the house than usual, and Skinner had mistaken his torch for a UFO, hence the terrified shrieking. In the meantime, Frohike stumbles over Mulder, who is still lying dazed on the floor, and sprains his big toe. He leaves the house on crutches that evening. Mulder lets himself be doctored by Scully. No one speaks another word to Skinner. Day 18: Due to the rapid decrease in the number of actors, the contestants have to reconsider the choice of film. The chief producer, who is now suffering from persistent headaches, nervous exhaustion, vision impairment and indigestion, declares the weekly task a failure. Furiously Scully organizes a sit-in and manufactures small flags with the motto, "Acting rights for Big Brother contestants!!" At his own request, the chief producer is removed to a mental institution. Still searching for his contact lenses, which have been missing since the incident with the torch/UFO, Byers feels his way to the henhouse tent, and finds Skinner apparently absorbed in a lively conversation with the hens. In response to Byers' cautious questioning, Skinner smiles and answers that in school he was always good at foreign languages. In a nearby nest Byers finally finds his contact lenses. Day 19: When Scully threatens him with murder, Doggett is finally persuaded to leave the bathroom. Complete with mouth organ, violin, kitchen spoon and toilet brush he wordlessly withdraws into the garden. Skinner is glad to have company, mentions proudly that he was always good at music in school, and sets about organising a hen choir. He could then sing the solo parts, and Doggett play the accompaniment. The new chief producer is, to everyone's surprise, Diana Fowley, who has taken over the company and insists on leading the production team herself. In the evening, Skinner is voted out of the house. He takes three hens with him and tours with them around the country as the "Golden Skinman Quartet". Day 20: When Scully hears who the new chief producer is, she is outraged and converts her sit-in to a mini- demonstration, wandering up and down the garden with a trumpet and a tin drum. Doggett is ecstatic to find a fellow musician and follows Scully, loudly, er, playing on his, er, toilet brush. In the meantime Mulder is talking at great length to Diana in the diary room, reminding her with a wink of the 'good old days'. In the evening he receives a truck load of sunflower seeds, a wide-screen tv set, a fully automatic VCR with split-second programming, colored LCD display, built-in oven and set of winter tyres, as well as an extensive porn collection, delivered free to the house. A reproachful Scully pelts him with her flags, Doggett's toilet brush and Byers' contact lenses. The repeated loss of his lenses lets Byers fall into a depression. Day 21: Shortly before six a.m., Byers finally finds his contact lenses again. Snorting with rage, he unpacks the garden hose, marches into Scully's room and turns it on. Too late he notices that Scully has sleepwalked so, instead of hitting her, the beam of ice-cold water catches two hens (rescued by Scully from Skinner's strict singing lessons), which were sitting on her pillow. The deafening shrieks of the frightened birds and their panicky flapping can be heard throughout the house. Doggett drops the toilet brush in fright. Scully, who was sleepwalking around on the roof of the house wakes up and falls awkwardly on her butt. Her loud wails attract Mulder, who helps her solicitously to her feet. The following conversation takes place between the two of them: S: Mulder, you do realize that all that Ship stuff is made up by the Shippers, right? M: (nods emphatically) Yes, of course, Scully. S: You know that NoRomo is the only way to be, don't you? M: NoRomo rules, Scully. S: And you also know that I can't stand you, right? M: Of course, Scully. And naturally the feeling is mutual. S: Good. So that's settled. Now would you please remove your hand from my butt? M: Oh. Sorry. I didn't put it there on purpose, Scully. Day 22: Although no one really cares any more, Byers is voted out of the house. Rumor has it that the CSM has been seen a few times in Diana's office, but, of course, there is no proof. In the diary room Scully announces that, once she has left the house, she intends to enter the active women's rights movement. Apparently she has already planned further demonstrations. By the early afternoon Mulder has got through his porn collection and is in a bad mood. When asked what he has planned for life after Big Brother he declares that he wants to go into the porn business as a producer. He would also be prepared to write scripts. On hearing this, Scully pursues him through the house with a broom-handle. Doggett naturally wants to become a professional musician. He might not be much good at working with hens, he says, but as a toilet brush virtuoso he can see a future for himself. There wouldn't be that much of one. The rest of the day is mainly spent packing. Day 23: In the morning a real UFO lands in the garden. But no one notices it: Scully is loudly preaching moral sermons at Mulder, Doggett is practicing "Three blind mice" on a door hinge, Skinner's hens are clucking "Dona nobis pacem" in six-part harmony and Mulder.Mulder is sleeping deeply and peacefully for the first time in ages, lying on the couch in front of his tv and fully automatic VCR, with a ranting Scully by his side. After a while, the UFO hesitantly takes off and disappears into the unfathomable depths of the Universe. Diana bites her desk with rage and breaks off the programme before any decision is reached. The eleven viewers left shrug their shoulders and switch back to the Keystone Cops for the afternoon. Mulder moves to Los Angeles and enters the show business. Doggett releases his first great hit single the following week. And Scully, celebrated world-wide as the inventor of the modern one- woman-demo, is allegedly still running backwards and forwards outside Diana's office window with a big red banner: "Rights for the Big Brother hens!!!" - The End -