From: Allison S Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999 16:41:25 EDT Subject: Big Muddy Swamp Monster (1/1) Big Muddy Swamp Monster Authors: AllisonX and Hilda Rating: G Classification: XRH (X-File, Romance Humor) M/Other, S/Other Spoilers: NO Keywords: Wierd, Mulder/Other, Scully/Other, Monster Summary: Mulder takes the cowl, Scully becomes involved with a Big Muddy Swamp Monster, Det. Ditz becomes involved with "talking" and Skinner interupts a tryst of a rather large magnitude. Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, and Skinner arent ours. Det. Ditz is ours, the Big Swamp Monster is ours, Bill and Lucy are ours. No sueing. Please. 12:15 Monday Afternoon, July, 1999, Big Muddy Swamp, Kansas Lucy and Bill Jones hid in the big muddy swamp. "Bill, Honey Bunch," she said in her high squeeky southern accent, "I'm so glad we eloped. I'm sorry my father hated you because you worked in the ice cream shop and had no hope of building a good future for us and our kids." She put her long arm around his neck, and smacked a wet kiss on his forehead. He giggled. "Aww, shucks" he said in his gravelly, hoarse, manly voice, "but sweetie-muffin, I hate living in this stupid swamp. Your father is an idiot, and he's only four feet-three inches tall. I could get him anyday." She purred at Bill, "Lets go kill him, baby-fruitcake, you are so manly and cute and sweet and precious and adorable and darling and lovable and such a strapping young man, you are my Buck, my Stag, my. . .my bull in shining armor." But before she could think of any other woodland animals, Lucy yelled. "Oh, Billy-boy, it's killing me. Billy, help me! Ouch! Ow!!! Billy, I don't have a left foot anymore!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Billy was woken up from the sleep he had fallen in during her string of adjectives, and began to cry. "Aww honey, ewww, oh lookit your poor head, its all mangledy and chewed, oh yuck, you arent my precious mango-pie any more, yuck, leave me alone. And you too you ugly nasty muddy monster." With that he kicked the monster in the shins and ran out of the big muddy swamp. 9:30, Friday Morning, July, 1999, Mulder's crusty office "Hello Mulder." Scully sat down on her chair. Mulder looked up from his file and took his glasses off. "Hello Scully, and by the way, in case I have never told you this before, I like porn. And you have nice hair. It is red and shiny and purty." Scully smiled. Mulder is nice, she thought. He came over to her chair, and before they could have sex, Skinner walked in. The audience watching them through the two-way mirror groaned. "Mulder, Scully," he nodded at them "Put your pants on, its time for a case. In a big shiny black folder marked "CASE" on it." He smiled at Scully who still had no pants on, and walked out. Then he came back because he had forgotten to put down the big shiny black folder marked "CASE" "Bye" he said. Scully said, "Let's finish what we started," but Mulder was already looking through the big shiny black folder marked "CASE". "Oh look Scully, it's a big muddy swamp creature. I have cases on these going back to 1935. We'll leave for Kansas at 4 in the morning because I can never get plane tickets at a reasonable time of day even though I'm an FBI agent." "Okay," said Scully. The plane landed at three in the afternoon because Kansas is far away. Mulder and Scully went to their hotel. On the way their taxi broke down. They had to walk. It was five miles. It was raining. They had to carry their bags. When they got to the hotel it was full. They had to go to the Motel across the road, which wasn't as nice as the Hotel. There was only one room in the Motel. It had one little bed. Their clothes were wet but they had no other clothes. Oh well. Mulder and Scully went to the local police department. They walked. It rained some more. A robber stole thir raincoats when they weren't looking. Two hours later they were at the police station. "We wanna see Det. , umm, what was her name again, Scully?" "Um, I think it was Ditz, Detective Blonde Ditz." "Sure thing," the guy at the front desk said. He kept staring at Scully's soaked white blouse. "Excuse me," Muldser said. "Oh, yah, right." The guy tore himself away and got Det. Ditz. "Why heeellllllllllloooooooo!!!!!!!! Aren't I glad to see you!!!" She was blond. Really blond. Soooo fake. "Well, well, oh dear, Agent Mulder, you are so wet that you are going to get influenza." She had to stop and take a breath after saying such a big word. She gave Mulder a towel. "Come on, dear, dry off, and let's go "talk" in my office." She and him went into her office. "Hey," said Scully, "What about me?" That dirty fake blond. She opened the office door. Mulder was "Talking" with Det. Ditz. Except all of their clothes were off. Wait. That's not how people talked. "MULDER!" "oh, um, Scully, you see, she had to take my clothes off because they were too wet. Then she felt bad because I was naked so she took her clothes off too." But Scully wasn't fooled for one second. "Mulder, we are suppposed to be looking for a big muddy swamp monster, so while you are "talking" I am going to find it." She left and walked in the rain. Mulder continued to engage in sexual intercourse with Det. Ditz. Scully was walking into the swamp when the robber saw her again. She did not see him, so he punched her, but she punched him back. Pow, pow. But he punched her again and she fell on the ground. The robber pulled his mask off. It was Bill. "Bill, it's you," said Scully, even though she had never seen him before. "Stop punching me." "Who are you?" asked Bill. "Special Agent Dana Scully, FBI! I am here to help you." "oh, will I go to jail for hitting an FBI agent?" "Weeellll, I'll be nice to you, so no. Now show me the monster." They went into the big muddy swamp. Meanwhile Mulder was going to cry. That was because Det. Ditz was just so nice to him. She had taken him home and made him soup because, as she explained , "Campbell's makes everything mmm mmm better!" Scully never said that to him. He should marry this detective. She was perfect, and she didn't already have a crazy husband locked up in the attic. Suddenly he heard a male voice scream. "What was that?" "Oh, it's Crazy Husband #3 up in the attic." "You're not the woman I thought you were. I've been deceived. I thougth you were pure and virginal as a nature sprite. I can't deal with this. I need to go make the world a better place. I know! I'll become a priest!" So Agent Fox Mulder took up the cowl and became Father Fox. Meanwhile, in the big muddy swamp, Scully and Bill, otherwise known as Billyboy, had found the big muddy swamp monster. Scully drew her gun. She aimed. And she began to interrogate the monster. "Who are you?" "I am the big muddy swamp monster." "Did you kill Lucy?" "Well, duhh, but it was to save her from a life with an underacheiver like Bill." "That doesn't give you license to kill, now does it?" Scully screamed at the big muddy swamp monster. "Well, umm, I'm sorry. I guess Mommy, may she rest in peace, would be ashamed of me. She always taught me not to kill." "I'm going to have to bring you dowqn to the stationhouse." "No!" Scully started to pull the trigger.But then she saw something. It was called love. Those big mushy eyes. That big hairy chest covered with muck. So Agent Dana Scully "talked" to the monster and Billy took up the cowl because he saw a woman having sex with a monster. A year has passed, the seaons have come and gone. As with the changing of these seasons, our dear friends have also changed. Father Fox is a respected priest who is expected to become a contender for Pope. Scully happily resides with the Big muddy swamp monster. She learned how to knit clothes out of leaves and her child, who has maple leaves sprouting out of his head, had proved Lamarck's theory of inheritance of acquired characteristics. One day Father Fox was hearing confessions when an unusual looking woman, scantily clad in oak leaves, came up. She looked familiar. "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex with a big muddy swamp monster. I used to be FBI agent Dana Scully, but now I live in the swamp and am creating a line of foliage accessories. Now I realize my mistake." Father Fox gasped. Scully! It was Scully! But then he became angry. She was not a pure virginal nature sprite! She was a dirty tree woman. And she had a dirty tree baby with her. Its name was Ginkgo. Ginkgo Biloba. Not that Father Fox knew its name. This author had arbitrarily decided to change the point of view in this story. Father Fox decided that the stupid cowl was uncomfortable anyway, and what exactly was a cowl because no one had told him, and it was dissapointing, and porn wasn't allowed in the church, except under very special occasions, like an exorcism. "Scully, take a bath, you smell like top-soil." He was very mad, she could sense that from the way he was waving his arms around like a monkey. She was sad because her Mulder was mad at her. She looked around for detective whats-her-name. "Mulder, where is detective bimbo, um, I mean Ditz." Mulder closed his eyes, and them opened them because he couldn't see anything. Then he started to cry. And sniffle. Scully couldn't stand to see Mulder cry. She handed Ginkgo to a passerby who started to scream because she was holding a leaf-baby. Then she dropped Ginkgo who promptly started to photosynthesise, and since she had reached puberty, left home. "Oh," Scully said, "thank goodness. Do you know how hard that kid was to feed. Never ate anything except light-energy. When she woke up at night hungry, I had to place her under a sun lamp until she was cooked like a burger. Mulder wasn't listening because he was still crying. Then he stopped because the head-priest had walked by. The head priest was mean, and he confiscated all the porn. Scully hugged Mulder, and Mulder threw his cowl to the ground, not realizing the cowl was his whole outfit so he was naked, and left the church. He got a lot of stares. They went to the FBI building, and Skinner was mad because they hadnt shown up for work in the past year, so he fired them. Scully pulled her gun and used it to clean her teeth, explaining that it was a bad habit she had picked up living in the big muddy swamp. Mulder slapped her hand away, and dragged her to his apartment. "Scully, we need to have a talk. A real talk. Now I know that in the big muddy swamp it's ok to act certain ways, but not here in D.C. In D.C. we are something called "civilized." Scully was insulted. She liked acting uncivilzed. She began to roar like a bear and hoot like an owl because she liked pretending she was other animals. Then she bit Mulder on the ear. So he handcuffed her and took her to the zoo, because she was acting like an animal. He took her to the Bronx Zoo. Roar. And so another year has passed. And once again we reflect on past events and look towards the future or, as we say in French, l'avenir. It turned out that Scully was rabid and she gave Mulder rabies and he, well, he died. What a goddamn shame. He was such a plucky young fella. Scully , however, did not die, even though she was rabid, for the simple reason that this author does not mind – even prefers – discrepencies in this writer's stories. So Scully continues to live at the Bronx Zoo, terrifying onlookers by devouring live lettuce, and sometimes the Big Muddy Swamp Monster comes to her cage and brings her maple leaves. She has developed a line of accessories that are a big hit in 3rd world countries, and her cage takes up half of the Bronx Zoo. Mulder's Grave is right next to Crazy Husband #3, and Det. Ditz is now Det. Dutz, because she married Dudley Dutz, the plumber. THE END Roar. Okay, this is intentionally bad. Really. And its our first effort. Contact us at KraneGirl@hotmail.com, if you really want to.