Title: Black
Author: M (Starbuk42@aol.com) 
Rating: PG
Category: VA
Spoilers: None really, but deals somewhat vaguely with TF/OS  
Summary: Sometimes the barriers we place between ourselves and others can end 
up being more real than we had ever intended.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Notes: Mulder/Scully First Person. More notes at end.
My website: 
http://members.aol.com/Starbuk42/
Enjoy!


[Black]

_________________________

the angel, with her wings so full,
looks down on you, looks to endure
the pain that you feel,
the pain that makes you real
_________________________


I often wondered where you ended and where I began. I hadn't realized how easy 
it was for us to merge so completely. The lines that separated us had become so 
blurred that we were no longer two separate souls, but one. You became my 
other half, and all the agony and despair that you felt were somehow forced 
upon me.

But you were so consumed by your own pain that you wouldn't allow me to be 
burdened by it as well. As you closed off, so did I. And soon there was room for 
doubt. And that only opened the door for discontentment.

We used to be so close. I didn't realize we'd begun to drift until it was too late.

_________________________

faster than we thought we'd go,
beneath the sound of hope
_________________________


I didn't want you to change. All those years I pleaded you with my eyes to stay 
the same, to stay pure.
 
"Please," I warned you silently, "don't let them change you. Don't let them get to 
you." 

So many times, over and over again. Like a prayer, a mantra. 

It was my hope. My hope that through it all you would be constant -- an anchor, 
my savior. 

It was what let me continue, knowing that you would be there to pull me back 
when I went too far. That your trust and your beliefs would never waver. That 
your eyes would forever be the brightness in my life.

I swore I'd never let them change you, but I couldn't stop it. And I had only just 
discovered that it had been my fault all along.

Your innocence faded, and in its place was left this hardness, this stiffness. 

So bright. Your eyes were once so bright, but they became dull. And in that 
dullness was reflected something I loathed more than anything else. Something 
that plagued forever my own life, but that I had hoped you would never truly 
feel. Something I knew would one day drive you away.

Unhappiness.

I looked so hard at you, thinking that I could cast it away, that maybe it wasn't 
really there, but that I'd felt it for so long that I would see it no matter where I 
looked. 

Some days you'd smile, and for just one moment the dullness was replaced with 
a sliver of brightness. And I felt my heart grow warm in my chest, and I'd wish 
for just one more moment. But it never came.

One day you cried in my arms. I never really knew why. But when I pulled your 
head back slowly and looked to your face, I almost fooled myself into believing 
that the glimmering tears in your eyes were that pureness you had long ago lost. 

God, I wanted so badly to believe that. And as the hope swelled within me, it 
hurt so much more to realize it wasn't true.
 
I felt the tears begin to form, and I could look at you no longer. So I just let your 
quivering body slip back into my embrace.

So tight. I held you so tight. 

Maybe, I thought, maybe everything would be alright if I just never let go. 
Maybe I could stop what was happening. Maybe...

But you pulled away.

You pulled away and left without even looking back.

Something inside me died that day. I think something died in both of us.

_________________________

i saw that i was blind
i'd forsaken what was mine
what had mattered mattered little now
we had shattered apart somehow
_________________________ 


The night was dark, so so dark. The kind of darkness that was thick and blinding, 
yet cold and achingly empty. It clung to my dried tears and seeped beneath my 
skin. So foreign and uninvited.

And then there was the wind -- coarse and bitter like so many angry words. Your 
angry words. Words that would always come back to haunt me as I felt the 
sadness settle deep inside. Each distinct and each so painful. It was as if, one 
by one, they had torn us farther and farther apart. 

I had always seen it. Seen the hurt in us both. It was so hard. So hard to look.

Betrayal echoed between us, and it was as if you no longer understood. as if you 
no longer cared. 

It was so much easier not to see.

An awkward tension was present, and I longed for that ease that once 
surrounded us.

At night I prayed. Prayed that I might not see what was happening. That I might 
look away and never know that we were becoming so distanced.

And I did. I closed my eyes. And this blackness graced me, and I was blinded. 

And with that blackness came this agony -- sweet, blessed agony. The agony of 
not knowing. The agony that is ignorance. 

At first it was so wonderful, so wonderful not to see. I could pretend nothing 
was wrong, and I could stay with you, never feeling that growing distance.

We could continue together, and I thought that as long as I didn't see the 
tension, didn't recognize it, there was no way I could make it worse.

I believed that, and I let myself slide deeper and deeper into the darkness of 
oblivion.

But what I had done was close myself off to you even more and, in the process, 
shatter what was left of our blistered bond.

I wanted the blackness to heal us both, yet all it did was increase the breadth of 
our wounds.

Each day grew darker for me. The sun lost its gleam. The blue sky was nothing 
but a dark, faded gray. And the clarity that once accompanied me was blurred 
into dimness.

And then when I tried to look at you, you weren't there. Somehow you blended 
into the shadows. And so I avoided you even more because I didn't want to see 
that. 

I thought maybe you'd felt it too, but you never reached out to me, never once 
tried to acknowledge it.

And I mourned the loss of something I knew could never be replaced. 

I wept in your arms, thinking if you were still there, if you still cared, I would feel 
it. And you held me. Held me tighter than you'd ever held me before, but it felt 
wrong. It felt false. As if you were suddenly trying to make up for something 
you didn't quite realize you'd lost. And so I pulled away from you, knowing there 
was nothing more I could do.

I drove swiftly through the night, accompanied only by that resounding silence 
that seemed to follow me everywhere.

And as I stepped away from the car, I felt it. I felt the pain begin to settle deep 
within me. But this pain was different. It was not empty. It was not hollow. 
Instead it was heavy, like a burden that began to weaken me into weariness and 
misery. 

The steps I took were small and unsure, and for just a moment I allowed my eyes 
to close in an attempt to ease my tired mind. And as I opened them I was met 
with the same image: blackness. 

It was all I ever saw and all I could ever hope to see.

Even the darkness of the empty apartment somehow seemed darker and more 
barren than it ever had before.

I moved deeper inside, feeling somehow as if I were moving deeper into the 
blackness. And as it began to spin and whirl, I wondered briefly how it ever 
could have comforted me. But before I could recognize what was about to 
happen, consciousness faded swiftly away.

_________________________

your eyes still remind me of
angels that hover above
eyes that can change
from blind to blue
_________________________


There is something so different about you when your eyes are closed. Your face 
is not tense and rigid as I so often see it. Instead it is bathed in the gentle glow 
of calmness.

Sleep does not come to me as it comes to you. I struggle for it. And sometimes I 
would slip into your apartment just to watch the ease that swept over you as you 
rested. I was somehow at ease myself, just knowing that you were peaceful and 
safe. 

It never occurred to me that nightmares might have glanced over you during that 
time. It always seemed that as my mind often troubled me, it never troubled you. 

Perhaps with your eyes closed I was able to imagine them. Imagine them bright 
and brilliant, the dullness gone. Just as I imagined them that night.

Something was wrong, I told myself. Something happened. But still I saw the 
peacefulness as you lay unaware.

I ran my hand down the pale, smooth skin of your cheek, and your eyes fluttered 
open.

In the darkness they found mine, and I was met with the blue of your gaze, the 
blue of an unclouded sky.

And I smiled because it was all I could do. 

But then you blinked and suddenly became aware, and as you did, the 
brightness of the blue was clouded with a dull sadness that forced me to turn 
away.

How did I ever let this happen? How did I ever let us fall apart?

_________________________

it reached out to me, 
with a hopefulness unbound
and captured something deep within, 
something that was not to be found
_________________________


Somehow I knew you would come.

I knew you would come to see me. Something told me you could not bear to go 
the whole night without attempting to resolve what had occurred.

You were afraid. So afraid

I could sense it, feel the fear streaming off your body in waves as you sat beside 
me on the floor. 

You knew.

You knew what I was I going to do even before I did.

Perhaps you sensed it or saw it on my face, read it in my expression. Or perhaps 
you found it in my eyes.

The dullness and the sadness reflected there could only tell you one thing.

Things were not right.

You plea with me not to leave you, yet all you do is drive me away, drive a 
wedge even further between us.

Why mulder?

Why do you do this to us?

And as that question flowed through my mind, I suddenly realized the error in 
my thinking.

I had always wanted you to recognize the rift that had formed between us. I had 
wanted to blame you for it. I wanted to blame you for this horrid blackness that 
surrounded me. I wanted you to fix it.

For so long I only blamed you. But I never thought to consider my own actions.

And so perhaps the question should have been why do we do this to ourselves?

I sighed deeply as I raised my tired body from the ground.

The darkened room began to spin much as it had before, and I reached for 
something to steady myself.

Somehow I found your arms as you stood suddenly beside me.

My eyes were met with yours, and I saw the tears still spilling down your 
cheeks.

You led me slowly to the couch and lowered your head as soon as your body 
fell beside mine.

Still I saw you as a shadow. A shadow of utter despair.

Where once you seemed so full and bright, I now saw you worn and faded. Torn 
and tattered at the edges. 

I miss the innocence our lives used to possess. I miss the simplicity with which I 
used to view the world. And I miss the brightness that I somehow took for 
granted.

And I knew then. I knew what you knew. I knew that I must leave.

I turned and looked longingly at you, trying for just a moment to cast the 
darkness away so that I could truly see your face.

But as always, I was met with the dimness that surrounded you.

I'm sorry, I wanted to say. I'm sorry things ended up like this.

But I couldn't bring myself to speak.

And at that moment I needed to touch you, feel you, know you were still there. 
Still alive behind all that darkness.

I moved towards you, and our mouths met with just the slightest touch.

You were stiff and sad, your lips restless and anxious yet smooth and soft.

And suddenly you grew alive. And I felt it.

Something between us that never completely shattered, something that would 
always bring me back. 

It was still there.

I pulled back and looked to your eyes, unable to bring myself to turn away.

________________


It all seemed so hopeless.

Somehow we both became blind. As I let myself slip away so did you.

And then your lips found mine in the darkness, and I knew it was an apology. A 
way to try and mend what you felt you had broken. A way to say goodbye.

I numbed myself so many times to drive away the pain. But this time I could not.

This time I let myself feel.

My lips moved against yours, and I let flow into you all the love I felt. All the 
love that never went away.

Feelings you thought I'd lost. Feelings I was sure I no longer had. 

An empty man. That's what I was. That's what I know you saw.

And suddenly you stilled against my touch and pulled away.

You felt it.

And as you stared at me, I knew by the sudden brightness that overcame you 
that all was not lost.

________________


My eyes were wide, staring, disbelieving what I saw before me.

The shadowy darkness that had colored you for so long had suddenly 
disappeared.

Your face was alive with radiance and brightness. I'd never seen anything so 
beautiful in my life.

You reached out, settling your palm against my cheek, and I leaned into your 
touch, allowing my eyes to slip shut for a moment.

And when I reopened them I found upon your lips a small smile, and I could 
not help but offer you a smile in return.

How long had it been since I'd felt myself smile? An eternity?

Whatever the answer was, it seemed too long.

And I saw it then. I saw it so clearly.

It wasn't your fault. I never really tried to mend what had been broken, just let it 
fall apart.

You spoke then, your voice smooth and soft. It had been so long since I'd heard 
it, truly heard it.

"I'm sorry," you whispered.

And I shook my head. You didn't have to apologize. 

I could read the regret in your eyes. It was enough.

And as your arms surrounded me, I could feel your touch so warm like softly 
faded desire, and I could read every line on your face and know that in that one 
moment you were truly content.

I hadn't realized how much I'd missed. It was as if I were viewing the world 
through darkened lenses that cast away the clarity that is only assured through 
detail. 

The distance I had put between us had blinded me to the truth. And without that 
truth, I had almost lost the most important thing I'd ever had.

________________


I came apart, myself, somehow. 

You always had this power over me. Every emotion that you felt, I felt as well.

It was empathy, but only towards you.

In the end, I let you drift away. I pushed and pushed. And I closed off. But I 
only did it because I was afraid.

Afraid of you. Afraid of the closeness we shared. 

But more specifically, I was afraid you had begun to take on my pain as I had 
taken on yours.

I never meant to hurt you. I never realized what I had done would affect us both 
so deeply.

"I'm sorry," I told you.

But you didn't want to hear it. You may have already known, but in a way, I 
think you didn't want to blame me.

You always understood me. You must have realized I had already tortured 
myself over this so many times.

I reached out for you then, and I saw a clarity in your eyes that had been absent 
far too long. 

You swept over me with a gaze that was as bright and blue as a sapphire lake. 
And suddenly a happiness that was more pure than anything I'd ever felt, 
graced me. I knew you felt it too.

And as you settled against my chest, I felt as if nothing had ever really 
happened between us.

As if we had never fallen apart.

As if things had never changed.

_________________________

and i'm lost without you
and i'm lost within you
_________________________


Your embrace was tender and soothing. And I felt it fill the void that was formed 
by your somewhat-absence.

Firmly, securely, your arms enircled me, but your body was relaxed. And your 
eyes had just begun to slip shut.

You were calm, content, and the fact that you seemed ready to drift off to sleep 
told me you thought everything was perfectly fine.

At times you seemed too easily convinced, accepting things at face value, not 
looking deep enough to see the whole truth.

I suppose you were afraid to realize that things were not always as you would 
have them be.

There was silence then. Even your breath was inaudible, although its warmth 
did not escape me.

I sighed because I knew that with us there was no such thing as perfection. 

Our wounds were still there, still open. They had only begun to heal.

But your lips moved closer to my neck, and I felt their kiss -- softly heated, 
gentle and ardent, glowingly tender. And I knew that was as close to normal 
as we could possibly come.

Your eyes had opened, and they were met with my own. I'd seen that look so 
many times -- the soft smile lingering in your gaze. But I don't think I ever let 
myself appreciate it.

And, then again, I wonder if I ever truly saw it.

I know there is no clarity in darkness, in despair. I found that through 
experience.

Just as there is no absolute clarity in life. Nor does there exist an idealness, a 
completeness. 

But somehow, through all the pain we've endured, through all the agony, I still 
find hope in you. 

I still find solace in the fact that you would believe there is perfection where I 
know it isn't possible.

Your eyes tell me that. 

I see now they always have.

________________

end

Notes (cont'd): This piece took about 5 months to write. It was on and off writing, 
but that's still a long time. You would think I was writing a novel. But I'm not at 
all that productive. 
The piece is not lengthy. (If you're down here, I'm sure you've noticed.) At least 
not lengthy like a normal lengthy piece would be. But it seems long to me. Most 
of the vignettes I write are probably around 5K. So, I guess what I'm saying is 
that this is something a little different for me.
I hope you enjoyed it to some extent, and if you didn't, I'm sorry. But thank you 
so much for getting through it. And any feedback you might have would be 
greatly appreciated. E-mail me at Starbuk42@aol.com.

I have some quotes from songs contained in the piece. I'd like to take the 
opportunity to credit them here:

- The second quote is from the Smashing Pumpkins, "1979"
- The third: Smashing Pumpkins, "Meladori Magpie"
- #4: Foo Fighters (You thought they were all Pumpkins songs, didn't you?), 
"Hey, Johnny Park!"
- Numero seis: Smashing Pumpkins, "Jupiter's Lament"

The other two are of my own creation, so I'm not stealing them and not giving 
credit where credit is due.

Well, ok. That's it.

All done. Bye bye.