From: wildcard@bu.edu (Janice Barlow) Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: New Story: The Boo Files Date: 12 May 1995 23:38:22 GMT Well, here goes... be gentle, this is my first time... ;-) The Boo Files An X-Files/ Animaniacs crossover by Janice Barlow, wildcard@acs.bu.edu The X-Files and all related characters are the property of Ten Thirteen Productions and Chris Carter, and I'd never dream of taking any of the glory away from them. Animaniacs and all related characters are the property of Warner Brothers, Inc., and gods only know I don't have the money to win any lawsuits stemming from this spoof, so they can keep their glory too. Flames to dev/null, comments and job offers to me (hey, I'm a college student). Copies placed at trustno1.pc.cc.cmu.edu and aql.gatech.edu (or they will be when I get the time). Thanks to Melissa Kent for editing this into postable format. WARNING: If you don't like parodies, bail out now before it's too late. Assistant Director Skinner's Office 9:13AM "Agent Mulder, Agent Scully," Skinner said, tipping back in his chair. "I have some news for you two. You've been assigned a new partner for this case." "A new partner, sir?" Mulder asked, a quizzical expression crossing his handsome features. "Yes, Agent Mulder, a new partner," Skinner replied. "He's just out of the Academy, but he's already proven his worth to us many times over." Mulder gave Scully a wary look. The X-Files were no place for rookies, he knew that well enough. Especially considering how many people related to them ended up dead or missing... "Well, who is he, sir?" Scully asked practically. "Seems to me that we should know who we're working with..." "Yes," Skinner replied. "Agent Boo!" The door opened-- and Scully's eyes widened. A giant chicken stood in the doorway, surveying the scene nervously. He took a few uneasy steps forward and ducked his head in front of Skinner. "Bu-cluck!" he proclaimed, causing his clip-on badge and somber necktie to flap against his feathered chest. "Agent Mulder, Agent Scully, this is Agent Boo," Skinner said. "Boo, meet Mulder and Scully, your new partners." "Squa-cluck!" Boo said, turning to face Scully and pecking her hand lightly. Mulder's lips tightened almost imperceptibly into a thin line. "Sir, this is a giant chicken!" Scully protested. "Scully?" Mulder said, looking first at her, then at Boo. "Nonsense, Agent Scully," Skinner said disapprovingly. "I thought you were a little more tolerant than that. Agent Boo has a sterling record, you realize." "But he's a--" Scully began, only to be cut off by Skinner's sharp look. "I'll be... glad to work with such a top agent, then, sir," Scully said ruefully . The Basement 9:26AM "Mulder, I don't care what Skinner says, he's a giant chicken." "Scully, I don't see what the problem is. Some animals are amazingly intelligent. Boo may be the next step in the evolution of chickens. You can't accept the possibility that animals may someday be our closest working partners?" "Dogs are one thing, Mulder, but a partner who scratches out paperwork in a patch of dirt on the floor is quite another..." "Ka-squawk!" "See, Scully? You're probably making him feel insecure. This is his first assignment, you know... Boo, here, have a magazine while I get some files for you..." "CLUCK-SQUAWK!" "Mulder, did you have to give him _Celebrity Skin_?" "Well, I didn't have any adult poultry magazines... Scully! Ow! Stop it!" The Basement 11:21AM "A town about forty miles south of DC has been experiencing a number of strange incidents that the locals believe are UFO-related. Skinner wants us to go down there and check it out," Mulder said, pointing to the map on the overhead projector screen. "Incidents, Mulder?" Scully asked. Boo merely sat quietly, scratching against the floor as if he were taking mental notes. "Lights in the sky, people disappearing, the usual UFO-related activity, Scully," Mulder replied. "Boo, are you ready for your first real FBI case?" "Cluck cluck! Bu-squawk!" Boo replied eagerly, although with a hint of trepidation in his voice. "Great," Mulder enthused. "Let's get going. I'll drive." Greenlawn, VA 2:30PM Mulder brought the car to a halt in front of the police station. As the three agents got out, Boo spotted a worm on the sidewalk. He chased after it and gobbled it up in one quick snatch. Scully shuddered. "You're shuddering, Scully?" Mulder asked amusedly, managing to control his own flinch by force of will. "I thought you liked eating bugs..." "Mulder," Scully said, fixing him with one of Those Looks. "This is serious. He's a giant chicken, and I don't think giant chickens are exactly qualified to be FBI agents..." "Scully, you're letting your bias towards humans show again," Mulder said, although not harshly. "C'mon, Boo's already inside. Let's see what's going on here." As they entered the station, Mulder immediately grabbed his badge and flipped it out. "What's going on here?" he shouted. A circle of police officers surrounded Boo, guns drawn. For his part, Boo was cowering on the floor, clucking to himself nervously. Mulder hoped he wasn't going to lay an egg, or whatever chickens did when they got upset- but wasn't Boo a rooster? He didn't know. He shrugged to himself. "It's a giant chicken," the police chief said, keeping his gun trained on Boo's beak. Boo squawked weakly and flapped his wings. "Uh, it's all right, Boo," Scully soothed awkwardly. "It's just a misunderstanding. We'll get you." She walked over to the chief and showed her badge. "Agent Dana Scully, FBI. Agent Boo-- on the floor there-- is my partner, as is Agent Mulder. We've come to investigate the UFO incidents in your town." "The FBI hires giant chickens?" the chief said, giving Scully an odd look. "Since when?" Mulder stepped between Scully and the chief, shooting the officer his most disarming smile. "Agent Boo is a fully-trained FBI agent, sir. He's part of a new program the FBI is launching to provide agents with animal partners. Sort of an extension of the K-9 corps." The Chief gave Mulder the kind of look that implied insanity on Mulder's part. "Let him up, boys," he said to the officers. Boo made some gravelly noise in his throat-- gizzard? Mulder wondered-- as he got to his feet. He was pretty badly shaken, but Mulder wasn't surprised. Rookies always thought they were untouchable. It was better for all of them if Boo got that idea out of his head immediately. Mulder studiously ignored the look Scully was giving him and headed into the Chief's office, Boo in tow. 12:45AM Scully sighed. So this was what it came down to, like most of the UFO-related X-Files-- sitting out in the woods, in the dark, with insects biting at every exposed piece of flesh, waiting for God-only-knew what to come down from the sky. Boo seemed to be taking it well, though-- if you didn't mind the fact that he had his wings wrapped around his feathery frame like a blanket, and that he was clucking almost continuously. At least it was soft clucking. Scully settled against a tree trunk and waited for Mulder to come back. Suddenly, Mulder burst out of the underbrush, gun drawn. "Scully! Boo! Over that way," he said quietly, the note of urgency in his voice causing the redheaded woman to climb to her feet. To her right, Boo shook out his feathers and stood, looking nervous but ready. As she followed Mulder, Scully could see the trees, a stark contrast to the blinding light ahead. She heard Boo's feathers rattling slightly behind her and wondered what that meant. What exactly *did* a giant chicken do to psyche himself up on a case? She made a mental note to have Mulder ask the Lone Gunmen. If anyone would know, it would be that tribe of weirdos. Mulder and Scully each hid behind a tree, guns drawn. Scully figured that Boo was following suit-- until she saw him stagger out into the clearing with a glazed expression on his face. She heard Mulder swear under his breath. "Let's go, Scully," Mulder said. "Mulder, we don't know what's out there," she protested. "Scully, he's our partner. I think we have a duty to protect him," Mulder said as he entered the clearing-- and the light. Scully was torn. The light reminded her of something, something she'd forgotten, something that terrified her. On the other hand, Mulder was out there, in the midst of it, searching for the truth he held so dear... and Boo was there too, probably in need of protection. She held her breath, willed the shaking to stop, and ran into the open space. The light engulfed her, froze her where she stood. She could barely make out Mulder's lean form ahead of her, also paralyzed. Boo, on the other hand, was convulsed in a shuddering mass on the ground-- but he was moving. "Scully," Mulder called. "I'm here," she responded, amazed to find that she could still speak. Apparently, the owner of the light didn't care if they could talk or not. He, she, or it just didn't want them moving. "Boo's still free," Mulder said. "I'm going to see if he can help us." "Mulder, he's obviously been injured. We have to help him," Scully called back, her doctor's training overriding the fact that she was unable to help anyone at the moment. Mulder wasn't listening. "Boo?" he called loudly. "Boo, listen to me. We need your help. We can't move, Boo. Can you help us?" "Cluck... cluck... squonk..." Boo managed. "Mulder, he's a chicken!" "Scully, be quiet. Boo?" Again, all they heard were weak clucks and chicken-style moans. "Shit," Mulder said. "He's a rookie, this is definitely too much for him..." The light grew brighter, blinding the two human agents. Shapes formed in the glow, shapes that moved toward Boo with purpose in their steps. Mulder's jaw dropped. Scully struggled against the force that held her motionless, but made no headway. A voice entered her mind, told her not to be afraid, that Boo would return someday... that Boo was not a brave hero, but only a giant chicken after all. And a giant chicken was worth some study... The world went dark. Assistant Director Skinner's Office 9:13AM "What happened out there, Mulder?" Skinner said angrily. "I send you out on this mission, and you lose one of my top agents! What the hell happened?" "Sir," Scully began cautiously, "Agent Mulder believes that Agent Boo was abducted by extraterrestrial forces. We were held motionless at the scene, and then rendered unconscious. When we awoke, we had no memory of the actual incident except for the light, but we found this." She held out a glass vial. It contained several slightly-singed chicken feathers. "These feathers are definitely chicken feathers. Since Agent Boo was a giant chicken--" "WHAT?" Skinner blustered, his face red. "Are you insulting my best agent, Scully? Boo was a fine man, a fine agent, and he's dead because of you two!" "Sir--" Mulder began, but Skinner was beyond hearing. "That's it, Agent Mulder! I'm never sending another rookie on one of your crackpot missions! Because of your fool dreams about UFOs, Boo is dead, or kidnapped by someone you think is an alien!" Skinner yelled, turning redder by the second. "I'm sorry, sir," Mulder said. "Sorry isn't good enough, Mulder," Skinner said angrily. "Get out, both of you." As the door shut behind them, Cancer Man rose from his chair, swiftly pocketing the vial of burnt feathers. "You should take a vacation, Walter," he advised Skinner. "Deal with your grief. Mulder and Scully need serious psychiatric help. Giant chickens, indeed." The Pentagon 9:25PM The man strode down the long shelf-lined corridor with military bearing. He went past hundreds of racks until he found the precise one he wanted. "Poultry Control" was written on the container he removed from the shelf. With exquisite care, Cancer Man dropped the vial of feathers into its place, where it nestled with other vials like it. Some of the feathers were brown, some white, some spotted, but they were all part of the same game, a game that had yet to end... The End (for now! ;-) -- Wildcard McCoghlan- wildcard@acs.bu.edu, lereval@aol.com "Oh what a goofy work is man!" -The Tick "Name's Wildcard. I work for Odin."