From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 18 May 2002 18:53:05 -0000
Subject: Borrowed time (MSR,V) by Jessica
Source: direct

Reply To: j_rothen@yahoo.se


Title: Borrowed time

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category:MSR, V, 

Spoiler: Redux 2

Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where

Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se

Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles

Summary: Scully's last hour alive..

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.


It's time for me to stop fighting. I have accepted that the 
last thing I'll ever see of this world is this room. I can't
say that it hasn't been hard but what choice do I have? 
It was never up to me to choose how I would end this
world. It's up to God to decide. I have never expected it 
would be like this. Not here. I haven't got the strength left
to fight back. Maybe this is my destiny. Mulder would be so 
angry with me if he heard me now. He wants to save me. He is
so determent to find a cure. I haven't got the heart to tell
him that it's too late. He comes to see me every day and he
tries so hard to hide the sorrow that lives in his eyes. But
I can see through him. After all this time I feel like I can
read him like an open book. I wish that I could ease his pain
somehow. I wish that I could tell him that everything is going
to be all right. But I can't lie to him and I don't think he
would believe me anyway.
I lay here listening to the sounds the night makes. It's never
quiet in a hospital. A nurse comes and check up on me every 
hour. It feels nice to have someone watch over you like that.
I think they know by now that I have a hard time sleeping. They
have offered me something to help me sleep but I have refused.
I don't want some drugs to cloud my mind. Not now. Not ever.
I know that they all mean well but it's my choice. My mum comes
and goes from this room. She spend the first nights on the
couch in the waiting room. They tried to get to go home but 
she wouldn't hear about it. She refused to leave my side. These
days I think she has come to term with the fact that I'm not
going to be better. She says that it is in god's hands now. 
I like to think so. I know that she's scared. But I know that
she's strong. I just wish sometimes that I could take away
her pain somehow. She has followed to many of those she loves
to their graves. But I know she'll make it through. 
Bill has come to see me several times. He tries to hide it 
but I know that he's angry at the world. I know that he loves
me and that he only wants the best for me. But I know it's
time for me to stop fighting. I have accepted what is to come.
It's funny how clearly you see your life just when you're 
about to die. The world seems so beautiful when you look it.
The only glimpse I have to the outside world is from my window.
I try to stand by the window as often I have the strength.
It's not much I can see from the window but it's enough to
get my imagination going. I stand there as long as I can 
feeling the sun warm my face. When the pain keeps me in bed
I lay watching the birds outside my window. It comes times
when darkness enters my soul and I fall into the deep hole
of self-pity. I let the tears come. I cry for everything I'll
be missing and all of them I'm leaving behind. But refuse to 
let it break me and I always manage to make it back to reality
again. 
As I lay here the pain comes knocking on my door again. I can
feel death close now. I'm not scared. But there are still time.
I manage to reach for my notebook. I would like to have written
a letter but my time is running out. My hands tremble as I 
start to write.
" I don't know how to say goodbye to you. I don't know if I 
can. I know that you're out there looking for answers. But 
I know now that there are none. The truth is what we make of
it. It's time for me to stop fighting. I know you want me to
fight. But I can't. Not anymore. Don't be mad. But I know when
it's my time and that is now. I'm not sad. I have lived a good
life. I got to meet you. I got to see my daughter. I got to
fall in love. You have showed me a different world. You opened
my eyes and I let me see another side of myself. For that I 
thank you. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for all the
times you held me when I cried. Thank you for all the smiles
you gave me. Thank you for being my friend. 
I know you're strong and I know that you'll be just fine when
I have left this earth. Don't cry for me. I'll be just fine.
Please believe me when I say that I will just fine. I'll be
safe in my father's arms. I have the protection of angels. 
I know that we have no ending you and me. I'll know we'll
meet again. Please don't cry. I'm going home. 
I'll be waiting for you. Until that day believe me when I say
that I love you. You have my heart. Keep it safe until we 
meet again. So this is not goodbye. This is just a stop along
the road. Instead of goodbye I'll be saying...I'll be seeing
you. 

With all my love, 
Dana Scully. "

I put down the pen and close the book. I know he'll read it. 
I'm not scared. The darkness of the night surrounds me and 
the moon keeps me company as I see the angel of death. 
 Oh god, he's beautiful. I look in to his
eyes and for the first time I can see the beauty of heaven.
I close my eyes and surrender.

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