From: arcturus <arcturus@arcturus.com>
Date: Mon, 19 Oct 1998 14:46:49 +0800
Subject: Bovine 01/05 (BadFic/Humor)

BOVINE 

or

How The X-Files Should End 

TITLE : Bovine
SUB-TITLE : How the X-Files Should End
CATEGORY: BadFic ( and we mean 'bad' )
AUTHOR(S): Veritas Nullus. We didn't write this. But we'll come out of
hiding if the response to this is favourable.
RATING: Bad. Bad bad bad. And cheesy too. Whooops. we mean PG-13. Slight
smut but avoidable. Some undesirable words used liberally.
KEYWORDS : H, XF, UST, MSR, character deaths, Roman / Greek tragedy
parody ( wow, we certainly did get everything in this time, eh? )
DISCLAIMER: *a la Scully* yaddayaddayadda...Mulder, Scully, Skinner,
Emily, CSM, The Syndicate and all
other peripheral characters are works of fiction. Any resemblance to
persons living or dead is completely
unintentional. Oh yeah, they belong to 10-13, Chris Carter, David
Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Mitch Pileggi,
William B. Davis et al anyway, so sue them. 
FEEDBACK : Definitely. Send all comments / flames to
shawne@cyberway.com.sg and they shall be
forwarded to the *real* writers of this piece. The identity of the
writers will thus remain a secret they take to their graves. 

SYNOPSIS: A spark of inspiration turned very bad screenplay. We believe
CC and 10-13 Productions have
absolutely NO IDEA how to end The X-Files. So of course, here we are
doing it for them. CC, if you decide to
use this, we pity you. But don't forget to credit us. A day on the set
of the show would be nice. And how about
signing us on as writers should you ever decide to produce a comedy? 

P/S Did we mention we don't think much of Emily? 

APOLOGY: in case anybody has received this umpteen
times...uhhh...apparently there was some trouble with posting
it...anyway i'm not really newsgroup literate, so forgive me...

Let the mayhem begin... ( hold your breath, folks, and take the plunge!)

========================================================================

ACT I

[ TIME FRAME: End of 7th Season. ] 

[ FLASHBACK: MULDER is standing in a graveyard, tears rolling down his
face. He kneels in front of the
gravestone which we see has a cross on it. Cut to close-up of
gravestone. On it is engraved: 

                                      Dana Katherine Scully 
                              February 23rd 1964 - October 13th 2000
                                Beloved Daughter, Mother and Friend

                             May There Be No Aliens Where She Rests 

MULDER starts to really sob now ] 

[ Cut to opening sequence ] 

ACT I SC I
[ SCENE : Whatever new office our 2 favorite agents are using at the end
of the 7th season. Preferably still an
out-of-the-way location e.g. old file storage facility. Nobody goes
there but The FBI's Most Unwanted ] 

[ SCULLY enters the office holding a manila folder. MULDER is throwing
sharpened pencils at the ceiling
again ] 

SCULLY : ( trademark reticent smile ) Is this ALL you do, Mulder? 

MULDER : ( flustered ) Um... not really... I also... 

[ He is interrupted by one of the pencils detaching itself from its
precarious grip on the ceiling, plummeting
down and hitting him on his head. Kathunk. ] 

MULDER : Ouch. 

[ Tosses pencil back up onto ceiling again ] 

MULDER : ( trademark charming grin ) What's that there, Scully? 

[ SCULLY hands folder over to MULDER ] 

SCULLY : Just something I think we'll both be interested in checking
out. 

[ Cut to close-up of contents of folder. It contains a photo of EMILY, 2
years older, suspended in a tank of green
fluid, as well as some other unidentified papers, probably receipts ] 

MULDER : This...this is Emily... 

SCULLY : ( obviously impatient ) Yes, Mulder. I didn't bring you this
photo because I couldn't identify it. 

MULDER : Wh-Where did you get it?! 

SCULLY : I was buying doughnuts at the nearby bakery. They were giving
it away free with every dozen. 

MULDER : No, really. 

SCULLY : Yes, really. 

MULDER : You're not kidding me? 

SCULLY : ( triumphantly ) Are you saying you don't believe, Mulder? Are
you becoming the skeptic now? That's
usually my job, you know. 

[ SCULLY, uncharacteristically exuberant, hops up onto her desk, sitting
cross-legged without bothering about
propriety. She is wearing her usual tight skirts. MULDER is now wearing
his usual lascivious grin. She takes off
her shoe and throws it at his head. Slightly concussed, MULDER begins to
read. ] 

SCULLY : It doesn't make sense, does it, Mulder? How did Mr. Smith get
his hands on this? And what's being
done to Emily? 

MULDER : ( absentmindedly ) Who's Mr. Smith? 

SCULLY : ( exasperated ) The guy who owns the doughnut shop. He gives us
a free green lime-flavoured
doughnut with every dozen we buy, don't you remember? 

MULDER : Oh, yeah. Him. Well-. ( uncertain ) Maybe he works for the
Syndicate? 

SCULLY : ( rolling her eyes ) Real perceptive, Mulder. What I mean is --
why? Why did he suddenly decide to
have the 'Dozen Doughnut' special when I walked in? Why would these
people want me to know that they're still
artificially maintaining Emily's life? 

MULDER : It's almost Christmas, Scully. Ten to one they're sending out
cards to let everyone know their alien
hybrid kids are doing just fine. ( checks the photo ) Hanging out in
vats of slime. 

SCULLY : Emily doesn't look very happy, Mulder. 

MULDER : She can't help it, Scully. She's in suspended animation. Look
at this. 

[ He reaches over and shows SCULLY the photo. Cut to his eyes widening,
then cut to a long pan up SCULLY's
legs. Switch to photo : he is pointing out a candy cane in the corner ] 

MULDER : It's Christmas time at the F.B.I, alright. We should break out
the eggnog. 

SCULLY : I should break your face in. 

MULDER : Sorry. 

SCULLY : No, seriously, what's all this about? It's been two years. I
would have thought that Emily would be (
her voice catches ) dead by now. 

MULDER : Apparently not. 

SCULLY : I know that. Try to be a little more useful today, OK? 

MULDER : Sorry. 

SCULLY : And stop apologising. 

MULDER : Well, look at it this way- maybe they're furnishing you with a
clue concerning Emily's whereabouts.
Maybe they think it's time for you to save her. 

SCULLY : Maybe. Do you think that's possible? 

MULDER : I just told you that. 

SCULLY : Oh yeah. Right. ( smiles and starts fanning herself with the
manila folder ) Oh wow, it's getting really
hot in here, isn't it? Do you mind? 

[ She starts unbuttoning her business suit - don't worry, she has a
white shirt on under it. MULDER, on the other
hand, is having a great time at his favourite spectator sport. ] 

MULDER : ( a la Scully in Bad Blood ) Hoo boy... ( interrupted by a
glare from Scully ) ...uh, what I mean is, so
you think we should, we should-uh- go check this out? Find Emily? 

SCULLY : That would be nice, don't you think? 

MULDER : Look, Scully...there's remarkably little in this photo we can
follow up on. I mean, Emily in a vat of
green fluid, a candy cane in the corner. She could be anywhere, Scully.
She might be in the discount candy
section at K-Mart for all we know. 

SCULLY : ( sarcastically ) Why do I doubt that, Mulder? 

MULDER : ( contemplatively ) You think maybe she's a model for the new
GA-92 prototype for slime-? 

[ SCULLY hops off her desk and moves to stand face-to-face with MULDER.
She draws a finger across her
neck threateningly, then grabs him by the tie and chokes him. ] 

MULDER : ( prying her hands off his tie ) Seriously, Scully, how far can
we get on this? ( shuffles around in
folder ) And this...what's this...a receipt from Hole-In-My-Dough
doughnut bakery for the Alien Hybrid Dozen
Doughnut Special...really useful, Scully. Where do you suggest we start?
For once, I'm stumped. 

SCULLY : We obviously can't go about this circuitously, Mulder. We have
to march right up to them and
confront them. That is so obvious. 

MULDER : Are you sure, Scully? Don't you think it would be better to
sneak around using our identities as F.B.I.
agents to get into places we don't usually have a right to enter and get
information we never would have been
able to otherwise? 

SCULLY : Obviously not, Mulder. Whatever we do, we have to at least try
to save Emily. She's just a child. She
didn't have a say in this. She didn't ask to be born. I'm pretty sure
the Cigarette-Smoking Man didn't pick up a
tube of my ova, stare at it intently, and gravely ask, "Would you mind
dreadfully if we gave you life? Such as it
will be?" I'm a doctor, Mulder. I know these things. Eggs can't talk
back. Mulder, we have to find her. She might
be in pain. They might be torturing her. ( regards photo with sorrowful
apologetic look on her face ) 

[ Pause. MULDER regards her with a resigned look on his face ] 

MULDER : ( sighs ) The things I do for you, Scully. C'mon. Let's go talk
to that Smith guy. Think I can get
rainbow-frosted doughnuts there? 

[ he stands and grabs his coat, shrugs into it and helps SCULLY into
hers. ] 

SCULLY : Sorry, Mulder. They're fresh out. I got the last six. 

MULDER : ( plaintively ) Can I have one? 

SCULLY : ( smiling wanly ) Sorry, Mulder. I kind of ate 'em all on the
way over here. Them and the breath mints I
found stuck under my car seat. 

[ MULDER looks quizzically at SCULLY. ] 

SCULLY : I eat a lot when I get nervous, OK? Just drop it. 

[ he opens the door, and ushers her out ] 

ACT I SC II
[ SCENE : The Hole-In-My-Dough doughnut bakery ] 

MULDER : ( flashing I.D. a la Eddie Van Blundht ) F...B...I. 

[ he grins proudly and turns to SCULLY ] 

MULDER : Did I say that right? Did I sound really cool? 

SCULLY : ( impatiently ) Yes, Mulder. Of course you did. You're the
physical manifestation of 'groovy'. 

MULDER : People don't say 'groovy' anymore, Scully. I think you mean
'hip'. 

SMITH : ( smiles ) What can I get for my two favorite agents today? 

SCULLY : Mr. Smith, excuse us for interrupting, but we're here on a
case. We'd like to ask you a few questions.
If that's alright with you? 

SMITH : Anything for my two favorite agents. After all, you're the one
who bought three dozen of my best
chocolate frosted. 

MULDER : ( appalled ) Thirty-six doughnuts, Scully?? Did you eat them
all?? 

SCULLY : Hey, I was hungry. 

MULDER : Still? Thirty-six is an awful lot of flour and chocolate paste! 

SCULLY : Mulder, try and stay focused on the task at hand, will you? 

MULDER : OK, OK. Go ahead. 

SCULLY : Mr. Smith, I came earlier today and bought ( she clears her
throat ) a number of doughnuts from you.
At the time, you were running a special. You gave me a manila folder
containing rather telling information
about- well, alien hybrids. 

[ she eyes him hesitantly. SMITH sits down on the chair behind the
counter, folds his arms and looks at them
intently. ] 

SMITH : I suppose there's no use in trying to hide it. I might as well
tell you the whole truth right here, right now. 

SCULLY : We would appreciate that. We've been looking for the truth for
a really long time, haven't we,
Mulder? ( she pokes him in the side ) 

MULDER : ( suddenly seems to realise he has company ) Scully? 

SCULLY : Yeah? 

MULDER : I thought you said you got the rainbow frosted ones. 

SCULLY : ( disoriented ) What? We're talking about- 

MULDER : ( accusingly ) You told me you got the rainbow frosted
doughnuts. And you said you ate them all.
You didn't even leave one for me!! 

SCULLY : ( rubbing her temples in exasperation ) Mulder, quit it. I ate
them all, alright? All forty-two of them.
OK? Are you satisfied now? ( she turns back to Smith ) Where were we? 

SMITH : ( amazed ) You ate forty-two doughnuts? In one afternoon? 

[ SMITH and MULDER trade disgusted looks ] 

SCULLY : Am I the only one here who has any brains left at all? 

MULDER : You're the one with the supremely high sugar levels. You tell
us. 

[ A murderous look enters SCULLY's eyes. Her fingers form claws as she
moves toward MULDER, threatening
to choke him off again. SMITH, in the meantime, jumps up and puts
himself between them. He looks anxious. ] 

SMITH : ( looking over his shoulder nervously ) If you want to hear the
truth, stop arguing for a moment. And
listen to me. 

[ SCULLY now has a tight grip on MULDER's collar and she is busy giving
him a noogie. They look ashamed
at SMITH's ultimatum however, and they step back from each other,
straightening clothes - their own, not each
other's. ] 

SMITH : They don't know that I gave you that photo. They're not supposed
to know. They can't know. You
understand? 

SCULLY : How'd you know to give it to me? Emily's case was classified. 

MULDER : Yeah. And what's with the candy cane in the corner anyway? 

SMITH : Christmas promotion. I put candy cane stickers on everything I
give my customers. Boxes of
doughnuts, loaves of bread, fruitcakes, photos- everyone loves 'em. I
get loads of repeat customers that way.
Personal service, you know? 

[ he looks set to go on for a long time more to come. SCULLY clears her
throat. ] 

SMITH : ( changes tack ) What I do have to tell you is- they're all in
danger. 

SCULLY : 'They'? You mean there are more than ( her voice catches )
Emily? 

SMITH : There are more than one. They're being reared for some larger
purpose no one knows about. Except
for me. Emily's just the first one. She's going to be the poster child
for the new generation of alien hybrids.
They've drawn up posters and clothing lines and toys and soundtracks. Ad
campaigns too, to encourage adult
women to join their special fertility clinics. She's going to be the
next big thing to hit the rest of the civilised
world. She's going to be huge. 

MULDER : Like Leonardo DiCaprio? 

SMITH : Well, yeah, him. He was their first try. Didn't work out as well
as they thought it would. He turned into a
chick magnet and forgot his humble beginnings at their hands. So they
decided they'd try their luck with
someone younger and more easily manipulated. 

SCULLY : ( appalled ) What? Emily! My Emily!! ( huge tears roll down her
porcelain white cheeks ) A tool? Of
the Syndicate? 

MULDER : So Leo's actually an alien hybrid... ( chortles ) wait'll that
gets out...( sudden thought ) What about
David Duchovny, then? 

SCULLY : ( in a threatening tone ) Mulder-. 

MULDER : ( swinging back to the topic sheepishly ) Do you know where she
is? 

SMITH : Yup. I saw her with my own eyes. I was delivering doughnuts one
day - this really large factory order for
four hundred vanilla sprinkles. I was told to come round to the back
door and I rang the bell, but no one
answered. So I just went straight on in with the order form. And I saw
this huge transparent swimming pool filled
with green Jello-. 

MULDER : ( interrupting ) That green stuff is Jello? How do you know? 

SMITH : I tasted it. It was the new Kwiks^ Lime flavour. Can I get back
to the story now? ( Mulder nods )
Anyway, I had my camera with me - I usually bring it on long hauls - and
took about twenty pictures. I thought it
was some new theme park or something. So I was wandering around waiting
for someone to sign for the
registered doughnuts, when I came across this clipboard pinned to the
side of the pool. 

SCULLY : What was on it? 

SMITH : Emily's case file, containing her portfolio and intelligence
level. Other statistics and such. Had all your
information too. Listed you as 'closest kin'. So I thought maybe you
oughta know. There was a synopsis of their
plan too. I ripped it out and left. The vanilla sprinkles were melting
and the dough spoiling anyway. 

[ SCULLY eagerly takes the piece of paper SMITH has fished out of his
jacket pocket.] 

MULDER : Can you tell us where she is then? 

SMITH : Of course. She's downtown in-. 

[ Slow motion : close up of SMITH's face, his mouth opening to answer
MULDER's question. Suddenly, his face
contorts into a grotesque mask, he chokes blood, and he falls forward
onto MULDER, staining the latter's lovely
Armani suit. MULDER grabs SMITH and drops him onto the floor. SMITH has
been shot in the back of his head
with a rubber dart. ] 

MULDER : Scully? 

SCULLY : ( engrossed in her reading ) Hmmm? 

MULDER : I think we kinda have an emergency on our hands here. 

SCULLY : ( glancing at Smith and then returning to her reading ) That's
just a rubber dart, Mulder. It can't have
hurt him much. He's just fooling with us, I'm sure. 

[ MULDER bends over and plucks the dart off. It is smeared with a thick
green slime. Cut to the back of
SMITH's head : there is a sludgy hole where hair used to be, bubbling
with greenish foam like lime fizz sherbet
with water. ] 

[ MULDER and SCULLY start choking and coughing ] 

MULDER : Auuughhh! ( chokes ) kuckkuckkuck ( gags ) Scuh-leeeh! Get
*hic* outta here! 

[ MULDER drags SCULLY out of the bakery ] 

[ They collapse into their FBI-issue Ford Taurus and try to recover ] 

[ Cut to shot of two shadowy figures in the bakery wrapping SMITH up in
a body bag. A neon pink Nike^
sneaker comes down on a Morley cigarette butt and grinds it into the
ground with deliberate slowness ] 

[ Cut. Advertisement time ] 

(disclaimers in part i)


ACT II

ACT II SC I
[ SCENE : MULDER's apartment. Our two favorite agents are plopped on the
couch, sitting quite close
together, poring over the grubby piece of paper from SMITH ] 

MULDER : ( groans; rubs his red and sore eyes which seem to have been
badly affected by the gas ) This isn't
anything we don't already know, Scully. Government cover-ups of dealings
with aliens... the creation of a new
alien hybrid human race... we've seen all this before. There're no
addresses, no names, nothing! Where do we
go from here? 

SCULLY : I know what you mean, Mulder...and yet... there's something
strange about the whole thing. Smith
had to have been one of their experiments. Why is it *he's* been allowed
to run free, mingle with the rest of the
population? There must be some other hidden agenda, something else we
don't know... 

MULDER : ( sighs ) You're probably right. Meanwhile, maybe you could
take a look at my eyes, 'n do somethin'
about them, 'cos they seem to be on fire. 

SCULLY : ( pushing Mulder back on the couch ) Lemme see... 

[ She leans over him. She doesn't have her blazer on, so the camera can
pan up a lovely view of her chest as
she bends over- which it does. ] 

MULDER : ( interrupting ) Now that's a sight for sore eyes. S'okay,
Scully, I'm fine now. 

[ SCULLY pokes him in the eye ] 

MULDER : Ow! 

SCULLY : Now you're not. You probably need some eyedrops in there,
Mulder. Hang on, I'll go get them. 

[ She leaves the room ] 

[ MULDER, still lying on the couch, grabs the scrap of paper off the
coffee table and scrutinises it again.
Something in the corner catches his attention, and, his sore eyes
forgotten, he sits up and stares at it intently. ] 

[ SCULLY re-enters the room ] 

MULDER : Scully, take a look at this. 

SCULLY : What about your eyes? ( but she comes over and takes a look
anyway ) 

[ MULDER is pointing out a small stain on a corner of the paper ] 

SCULLY : Looks like blood... 

MULDER : ( nods ) Or chocolate sauce. 

SCULLY : I'll have it analysed. 

ACT II SC II
[ SCENE : The D.C. crime lab. MULDER is sprawled on a bench gnawing at
sunflower seeds ] 

[ Enter SCULLY in a grimy off-white i.e. it was once white lab coat. Her
goggles, having been hurriedly pushed
up over her hair, are askew. She looks a mess.] 

SCULLY : Mulder, you're not going to believe this. 

MULDER : What? 

SCULLY : That blood...it's from a cow. It's cow's blood, Mulder. 

MULDER : How did you know that, Scully? You mean simple crime-lab
analysis can determine what animal the
blood comes from? 

SCULLY : Just trust me, Mulder. 

MULDER : ( whining like a spoilt child ) No. Tell me how you did it! 

SCULLY : You wouldn't understand, Mulder. Forget about it, OK? Look,
this has to be a really important clue.
Cows don't just go around shedding their blood on everything they come
into contact with. 

MULDER : You can't be too sure about that, Scully. Cows are careless
creatures. 

SCULLY : Shut up, Mulder. Now listen for a minute and tell me if this
makes sense. 

[ MULDER stares at her sullenly, folds his arms across his chest and
pouts. SCULLY carefully ignores the brat.
] 

SCULLY : Obviously, this note has passed through a lot of hands. And one
of those must have been stained
with cow's blood. Right? So-. 

MULDER : Wanna try the zoo? 

SCULLY : Zoos don't keep cows, Mulder. 

MULDER : How about barns then? 

SCULLY : ( slowly, as if speaking to a child of limited intelligence )
There are no barns in Washington, Mulder. 

MULDER : Abattoirs? 

SCULLY : None in the vicinity. 

MULDER : The supermarket? 

SCULLY : What?!? 

MULDER : ( reconsidering ) No no no... they can't have vats of slime all
over the place in a supermarket...not
even the discount candy section. It would have to be some kinda
meat-processing place... where they get the
raw meat, process- then package it. 

SCULLY : You're actually starting to make sense to me, Mulder. This
can't be good. 

MULDER : Just trust me for once, Scully. Come on, let's get going. 

SCULLY : ( protesting ) But there isn't just one meat-processing factory
around here! It would take forever!
Besides, let me get changed first. I smell something awful. 

MULDER : Yeah, I think it's you. 

SCULLY : ( irritated ) That's what I meant. Anyway- any ideas on where
to start? 

MULDER : Well, yes. Don't you remember what Smith said? He mentioned
that the four hundred vanilla
sprinkles doughnuts were a factory order. And that he had to go downtown
to deliver them! Don't you know what
all that means, Scully? Can't you see where I'm going? 

SCULLY : ( sarcastically ) Insane? 

MULDER : No, Scully! I'm trying to tell you- that this note has to come
from a meat factory downtown... and
there's only one, Scully. 

SCULLY : You're right...but it was closed down. The council ruled that
the bovine residues in the air might give
the people Bovine Spongioform Encephalopathy. 

MULDER : Uhh... yeah Scully. What you said. Anyway, bingo, right? What
better place to store alien hybrids
than in an unused meat factory nobody ever visits? Let's go check it out
now! ( His eyes blaze with fanatical
enthusiasm ) 

SCULLY : I really need to get changed first, Mulder. It would only take
a minute. And I can't go out in public
looking like this. 

[ she pulls the goggles off her head and tries vainly to smooth down her
hair ] 

MULDER : ( stepping closer to her and staring directly into her eyes )
Which is more important, Scully? Finding
Emily? Or looking pretty? 

SCULLY : Hmm. Tough choice. 

[ Screen fades to black. ] 

ACT II SC III
[ SCENE : A large empty factory shrouded in darkness. The camera pans
across what appear to be piles of
boxes and spider webs. Loud annoying creaking signals the entranceway
being forced open. ] 

[ A thin shaft of light cuts through the darkness. MULDER and an
immaculately-dressed-and-coiffed SCULLY
become visible as they step into the airy room. Their footsteps echo
eerily on the concrete pavement ] 

SCULLY : ( wrinkles her nose at the distinctive cow-blood smell, sniffs
) This is it all right... I shouldn't have
bothered to change. 

MULDER : ( complaining ) Why don't we ever get one of those really cool
flashlights with the really wide beams,
Scully? This one hardly picks up anything at all. See? 

[ He turns the light on SCULLY and shines it directly into her eyes. ] 

SCULLY : Mulder, ow! 

[ her hand reaches out toward MULDER, and suddenly the world goes black.
] 

MULDER : Scully, ow! 

SCULLY : Don't ever do that again. I have sensitive eyes. 

[ the shaft of light recovers itself. The torch is now in SCULLY's hand.
She shines it slowly around her, and it
eventually settles on what initially appeared to be boxes. ] 

SCULLY : ( gasps; voice trembling ) Oh my God. Mulder, look. 

MULDER : How can I when you just blinded me by poking my eye out?
Again?!? 

SCULLY : ( sob in her voice ) Mulder, it's Emily. 

[ The camera immediately homes in on the boxes : softly illuminated by
the flicker of the flashlight, a clear
plastic vat filled with green liquid and EMILY becomes obvious ] 

MULDER : ( petulantly ) I thought Smith said it was a swimming pool. 

SCULLY : ( oblivious ) Emily! My God! 

[ she rushes over to the vat, pressing her hands to the cool surface.
Close-up of EMILY's face, with mouth
frozen wide open and a tube coming out of it. Rather differently than
normal, she is sporting a shocked bovine
look. ] 

MULDER : Scully, calm down. We can't just break the vat and free her. It
might endanger her life. I think the tube
is her life support system. 

SCULLY : ( struggling against tears ) But Mulder, we're so close. This
is the first time in two years I've been so
close to her. She's my daughter. ( whimpers a little ) My daughter! 

[ SCULLY is still holding the flashlight in her trembling hands; her
shoulders are shaking with silent sobs now.
MULDER places a reassuring arm around her, gently removing the torch
from her grasp. The both of them
stand quietly, studying EMILY very much as if she were a fish in an
aquarium- well, in her case it's more like a
cow on a farm.] 

[ A pause, during which SCULLY has moved from MULDER closer to the tank.
She pries open the top and
reaches in tentatively and scoops out a small handful of the stuff. She
sniffs it. ] 

SCULLY : I think this is Jello. 

MULDER : What? 

SCULLY : You heard me. Lime-flavoured, to be specific. 

MULDER : ( contemplatively ) Why would they keep her in Jello, Scully?
And why green lime-flavoured Jello
specifically? Is there something in it that's critical to an alien's
survival? Because then we've got it made. All we
need to do, if we ever need to fight aliens, is to make sure we wipe out
all stocks of green lime-flavoured Jello. 

SCULLY : ( acerbically ) Think I should run some tests on 'em, put some
of 'em in purple grape-flavoured Jello,
some of 'em in yellow lemon-flavoured Jello, see who survives and who
doesn't? 

MULDER : Well, if you ever decide to go back to med school, it'd make
for an interesting thesis- wouldn't it? 

SCULLY : ( exploding ) Goddamnit, Mulder, I don't give a rat's ass about
green lime-flavoured Jello, as far as
I'm concerned it's just there because everything associated with aliens
is fluorescent green!! We are here to
take Emily from this hideous place - not discuss the merits of Jello
flavours. Look...look at this! ( She indicates
the musty, stinky factory and the vats of Jello with a sweep of her hand
) This is no place for a child to grow up! 

MULDER : ( moving over to Scully and taking her by the shoulders )
Scully, listen to me. Emily is not a normal
child. You can't expect to be able to take her home and raise her like
one. 

SCULLY : ( stubbornly ) She's my daughter, Mulder. I'm going to do what
I damn well like with her. You stay out
of this. 

MULDER : I can't stay out of this when you're the one who brought me
into it in the first place. I'm helping you,
Scully. Don't you think her dad might like to have some say in her
upbringing too? Maybe he'd like to bring her
back to Planet Quark. Huh? You ever think of that? 

[ SCULLY glares at him with hurt indignance ] 

MULDER : ( exasperated ) Okay, Scully. I'm sorry. But the fact remains -
you can't raise her as you would a
normal child. The best option now is to get rid of all these...these...
( he indicates the bodies with a wave of his
hand )... whatevers, so the Syndicate can't perform any more experiments
on them. Then expose them, their
activities, inform the public, stop this violation of our rights once
and for all. We have to let everyone know the
truth, Scully. The Truth. Once and for all. You joined the FBI to make a
difference. This is our chance, Scully. 

[ Meanwhile, SCULLY has been poking around looking for the tube's origin
] 

SCULLY : ( who hasn't heard a word he's said ) Look, Mulder. The tube
starts here...this tank. It's labelled
"Kwiks^ Lime-Flavoured Jello". ( disbelief ) More Jello? Why are they
feeding them Jello? 

MULDER : ( exasperated ) Maybe they like eating Jello, Scully? 

SCULLY : ( preoccupied ) Emily doesn't like Jello, Mulder. 

MULDER : How could a kid not like Jello? 

SCULLY : At least, she wouldn't eat it when she was at the Children's
Hospital... ( a faraway look in her eyes )...
that was so long ago... well, maybe she likes it now. 

[ She tugs at the tube ] 

SCULLY : If... ( grunt ) I could... just ( manifestation of extreme
effort on her part ) ...hunnnnghhhh! 

[ The tube snaps out of the tank and begins to shrivel. Soon the floor
of the factory is covered with a thick layer
of Kwiks^ Lime-Flavoured Jello. MULDER bends down, scoops up a handful
and sniffs it ] 

MULDER : Yep... lime-flavoured Jello alright. ( He hands some of the
gunk to Scully ) Here...you taste it. 

SCULLY : Why do I have to taste it? You do it. 

[ She regards him with a look of disdain, then heads over to the vat ] 

SCULLY : Give me a hand here, Mulder. 

[ she reaches in and grabs hold of EMILY. In so doing, she inadvertently
dislodges the tube which feeds air into
EMILY's nostrils ] 

[ EMILY revives somewhat and starts choking and gagging on the green
Jello filling up her various orifices ] 

SCULLY : Mulder! Help! She's choking! 

[ MULDER, meanwhile, has been preoccupied with tasting the lime Jello ] 

MULDER : This new Kwiks^ Lime Jello is really pretty good, Scully.
Here... why don't you tr... ( he pitches
forward into a deluge of Jello in a dead faint ) 

[ SCULLY is left alone to deal with the calamity. By some miracle of
strength, she hauls EMILY out of the tank,
but with EMILY 2 years older and heavier, the tiny figure, still holding
EMILY, pitches backward into the pool of
Jello. They flounder about for a bit. In a few moments, the effects of
the Jello on both MULDER and EMILY wear
off. MULDER sits up and shakes his head groggily, bits of Jello flying
out of his hair and all over SCULLY ] 

MULDER : ( choking ) Whoa. What the hell wazzat? ( splutters a little ) 

SCULLY : Come on, Mulder. We've got to get out of here. 

[ SCULLY helps both MULDER and EMILY up. Cut to shot of all three
staggering out of the factory, covered in
green Jello. They plop wetly into the car. SCULLY drives ] 

[ Ten minutes later : a Disney^ watch with Mickey Mouse's hands pointing
out the time is portrayed, counting
off really fast. Cut to shot of neon pink Nike^ stepping into the
factory. It squelches into green Jello. Swearing
is heard. ] 

[ Cut. Advertisement time ]

ACT III 

ACT III SC I
[ SCENE : SCULLY's apartment. The atmosphere is warm and cozy with a
fire blazing in the fireplace, soft
lighting, cow in the barn, oops, we mean EMILY in the bedroom all tucked
up and ready for bed, MULDER and
SCULLY standing by her bedside, etc. etc. etc. All very peaceful and
domestic ] 

SCULLY : ( leaning down and kissing Emily on the forehead ) Good night,
my darling. You're safe here now. No
more tests. This time I promise you. You'll stay with me and Uncle Fox
and we'll all be very happy together. 

[ EMILY regards her with her usual stupid bovine look on her face and
doesn't say anything. Doesn't talk much,
does she? ] 

SCULLY : ( to Mulder, smiling ) Doesn't she look a dear. 

[ MULDER, who cleverly chooses not to answer questions for fear of the
consequences, puts his arm around
SCULLY and they walk out of the room together ] 

[ Cut to shot of MULDER on couch, SCULLY is in kitchen puttering around
] 

[ SCULLY enters with two champagne glasses and a bottle of wine. She
sits next to MULDER and pours them
both wine. A comfortable silence settles over them ] 

[ SCULLY clears her throat tentatively ] 

SCULLY : Mulder, I want to thank you. 

MULDER : For what? 

SCULLY : I would never have found Emily without your help. She owes her
rescue to you - to your finding that
bloodstain, to your, to your, to... ( breaks off as she is overcome with
emotion ) 

MULDER : ( reaching over and hugging her ) Shhh. You don't have to thank
me for anything. We work together,
remember? You had to drive us back. Without you we wouldn't even be
here. Besides, that's what friends do.
Right? 

[ A pause. A pregnant pause. SCULLY looks up into MULDER's eyes.
Impulsively, she reaches up, cups his
face in her hand, and plants a quick but gentle kiss on his lips.
Whooo-hoo. The audience begins to
hyperventilate. Finally! ] 

SCULLY : ( whispers ) Thank you, Mulder. 

[ A pause again. My, there are lots of pauses tonight- ] 

[ MULDER lifts SCULLY's chin with a finger, bends down, and gives her a
tentative kiss back. He then leans
toward her to whisper in her ear; cut to close-up of SCULLY's ear and
MULDER's mouth ] 

MULDER : ( whispering ) You're welcome. And thank you, Scully. For being
my one in five billion. For standing
by me even when the entire world thought I was insane. 

[ SCULLY smiles and leans against him. ] 

MULDER : ( as an afterthought ) You smell really good, Scully. What is
that, lemon-scented shampoo? 

SCULLY : No. Lime-flavoured Jello. 

[ They smile at each other. A pause as they stare into each other's eyes
again, which are dark with desire.
Impulsively, MULDER cups SCULLY's face with both hands, and leans in to
devour her ] 

[ Sounds of snogging and slurping ] 

MULDER : ( muffled ) Oh God, Scully you taste so good... hhooOnnhh ( he
moans ) 

SCULLY : ( smiling up at him ) We're not going to have totally
unjustified but sublimely fulfilling and complete
sex now, are we, Mulder? That's such a clich. 

MULDER : ( eyes glazed over ) Why the hell not? 

SCULLY : I guess you're right. ( she grins slowly, a Cheshire-cat grin
Scully is usually incapable of ) 

[ SCULLY, now overcome with lust, is wrestling with his shirt, trying to
get it off. In bed, she is the quintessential
romantic heroine. After having successfully removed MULDER's shirt, she
lies back on the couch and stares up
into his eyes. Her red hair lies slightly mussed over her brow, her eyes
are crazed for his manhood, her blouse
is half-unbuttoned. A teaser shot of part of the two large globes of
SCULLY's chest is seen. They are perfect as
ripe peaches. Hell, they taste like ripe peaches. This is so appealing
that MULDER finishes the job and rips off
her top entirely. ] 

SCULLY : ( giggling ) Oooooh, Mulder, you are so aggressive! 

MULDER : ( mock ferociously ) And you, Scully, are my little sex-kitten. 

[ Sounds of unintelligible grunting as they grope each other in the
classic style of romance novels. He teases
her with his kisses, she toys with his sanity etc. etc. etc. ] 

SCULLY : ( groaning and barely in control of herself ) Ohhh Mulder. Fuck
me. Fuck me like you've never fucked
me before. 

MULDER : But I haven't, Scully. Not ever. 

SCULLY : ( glares at him, then pulls him back down to her ) Don't spoil
the moment Mulder. Not after seven
years. 

[ Somehow they wrestle the rest of their clothes off. Since this is
prime-time TV, we can't really have any NC-17
stuff, but it's pretty easy to infer that they are presently butt naked,
their hands exploring the crevices of each
other's inner recesses. Sounds of ecstasy-filled whimpers and grunts ] 

SCULLY : Ohhh Mulder! 

MULDER : Ohhh Scully! 

SCULLY : ( she seems to be taking his throbbing manhood in her hands-
remember, we can't show this on
TV - imagination will have to suffice for the moment ) Ohhh
Mulder...you're so different from me...you are hard
where I am soft... 

[ almost indifferent grunting from MULDER ] 

[ Cut to a shot of MULDER on top of SCULLY. Panting ] 

MULDER : Awwww God Scuh-leeeeeee... 

[ Fade to black ] 

ACT III SC II
[ SCENE : The Haven for the FBI's Most Unwanted. MULDER is sitting at
his desk gnawing at sunflower
seeds. Somehow at the end of the season and series, things get pretty
quiet and there's nothing much for the
agents to do. SCULLY enters ] 

MULDER : ( cheerfully, and a tad lasciviously ) Morning, Scully. 

SCULLY : ( a throaty purr ) Morning, Mulder. You were certainly a Bad
Boy yesterday! 

MULDER : ( sniggering ) And you were definitely a Naughty Girl, Scully.
How much previous experience have
you had anyway? ( talk about loaded questions! ) 

SCULLY : I'm not a virgin, Mulder, if that's what you're thinking about. 

MULDER : Oh, I could figure that out right away. 

SCULLY : ( blushing girlishly ) But.. oh how I wish I were! I should
have saved myself for you, Mulder- ( she
looks meaningfully into his eyes ) 

[ They kiss and are about to stage a repeat performance of Act III Sc i
when the phone rings. MULDER gently
pushes the eager SCULLY off of him and gets off the desk. ] 

MULDER : ( picking up the receiver ) Hello? ( runs a hand through his
messy hair ) Sir? Yes, this is Agent
Mulder. No, it's not yet noon. Yes, I am surprisingly early today- ( he
listens intently ) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah,
alright. Thanks, sir. 

[ he puts the phone down and rummages on his desk for something, then
turns back to SCULLY ] 

MULDER : ( tosses a file her way ) You only got one autopsy today.
Skinner just called to confirm. So.. where's
Emily? 

SCULLY : Thanks... she's with my mom. I'm picking her up later. Promised
I'd take her to the playground today.
The kid needs some fresh air and sunshine, don't you think? 

MULDER : Are you sure, Scully? Maybe you should just let her rest for a
while. Recover from her two-year-long
romance with lime-flavoured Jello, you know? 

SCULLY : I just want her to have some fun, Mulder. Besides, she seems to
have developed an inexplicable
affinity for the stuff. 

MULDER : The stuff? 

SCULLY : You know- Kwiks^ Lime Jello. She's been hankering after it for
every meal since we brought her
back. She's cleared the local grocery shelves. It's amazing how much she
can put away - I think she ate 12
bowls for breakfast this morning. 

MULDER : Like mother, like daughter. 

SCULLY : ( sharply ) What did you say? 

MULDER : Nothing, nothing. ( hoping to distract her ) So.. what were you
saying? 

SCULLY : I don't have anything for her lunch, Mulder. 

MULDER : Is this a subtle and / or sly hint, Scully? 

SCULLY : ( flashing him a dazzling smile ) I've checked everywhere
nearby, Mulder. There's no Jello around for
miles. Do you think you could-? 

MULDER : Drive around aimlessly for a couple of hours till I find an
out-of-the-way little family shop which still
sells the Jello and buy it wholesale for you? 

SCULLY : Wow, Mulder. ( grins ) You really are my soulmate. 

MULDER : Guess you could say that. OK, fine. Just don't forget about the
autopsy. Check out the case file - the
person you're cutting up today passed on after visiting a nearby steak
restaurant and gorging himself on the
All-You-Can-Eat buffet. Ten different types of steak. It might prove
important. 

SCULLY : Definitely! How much does it cost? 

MULDER : I mean to the case, Scully honey. I'll get going now. 

[ grabbing his keys off the desk, he throws on his coat, grabs her face
and gives her the most searing and
powerful burning kiss of her life, then leaves. ] 

ACT III SC III
[ SCENE : a harmless-looking playground. EMILY is sitting dully on the
swings with a dazed bovine look on her
face. SCULLY is pushing her back and forth and humming loudly the theme
song to "Sesame Street". ] 

SCULLY : ( stopping ) Don't you like the song, baby? 

[ EMILY stares at SCULLY with a stubborn bovine look, then resolutely
shakes her head. She seems to have
understood SCULLY's attempt at speech. ] 

SCULLY : What do you want to do, then, Emily? 

EMILY : ( fretfully, in a bovine voice ) Wan Jewwo. 

SCULLY : Honey, I already told you. Uncle Fox has gone out to buy some
more Jello for you. Do you want to try
eating something else before he gets back? 

EMILY : ( whining, if a cow can whine ) Moommmy, Emiwy wan Jewwo!! 

SCULLY : Emily, no matter how much you want something, no daughter of
mine is going to get away with using
bad grammar. Now repeat after me : " Mommy - I - want - Jello." 

EMILY : ( screaming, if a cow can scream ) Me waaaaaan Jeeeeewwwwooo! 

SCULLY : Honey, no, I already told you. See, Unkie Fox will be back
soon. Then you can have all the Jello you
want. 

EMILY : ( staring straight ahead, which cows are good at doing ) More
Jewwo for Emiwy soon? 

[ SCULLY sighs, and reaching out her hand, grabs the chain supporting
the swing and stops its oscillating
movement. She walks around to face EMILY and bends down so she can look
into her daughter's bovine eyes.
] 

SCULLY : Oh baby. ( she pushes Emily's hide - sorry, hair - out of her
blue bovine eyes ) What did they do to
you? How can you be even less articulate now than you were two years
ago? What's happening to you, honey? 

EMILY : ( giving her mother a quizzical bovine look ) Mommy? 

SCULLY : ( sighing ) Yes, baby? 

EMILY : Me gonna be star! Wight? Emiwy big Jewwo star? 

SCULLY : Star? ( momentarily stumped ) Oh. For advertisements? No,
Emily. Mommy's going to make sure
you lead a normal life from now on. ( muttering to herself ) And Mommy's
also going to find a way to increase
your I.Q. 

EMILY : ( pointing at the slide ) Mommy, me wanna pway some more! 

SCULLY : ( lifting Emily out of the swing and setting her down on her
little bovine legs ) OK, Emily, go and play.
Just be careful, alright? Don't come down too fast. 

[ EMILY totters off towards the slides on unsteady calves. Ha ha ha.
Excuse the pun. SCULLY, on the other
hand, sinks down dejected onto the swing her daughter has recently
vacated. She starts pushing herself back
and forth slowly, watching EMILY. ] 

SCULLY : ( talking to herself ) I don't understand you anymore, Emily.
You used to be so precocious. ( sighs
and looks wistfully at the little cow - um, girl ) Now look at you. A
diet of Lime Jello has made you as-. ( she
searches for a phrase ) Good God, Emily! You have the brain cells of a
tree stump! 

[ Faced with this horrifying reality, SCULLY groans and covers her tired
eyes with a trembling hand. Being with
her daughter again after two years has been more taxing than she would
like to admit. ] 

SCULLY : ( almost inaudibly ) If only Mulder were here. He could tell me
everything would be fine. That Emily
would get better soon. And that I'd be able to wean her off the Jello
before it does any further damage. 

[ A sudden scream interrupts SCULLY's train of thought. Her heart seems
to stop and everything shifts into
slow-motion mode. The camera pans slowly toward the slide. EMILY is
crumpled at the foot of it, tears pouring
out of her big blue bovine eyes, mooing loudly to anyone who would care
to hear. ] 

SCULLY : ( jumping up and rushing over ) Emily, Emily! Oh my darling
daughter! Why are you so clumsy?
Where's the boo-boo, baby? ( switching almost naturally to baby talk )
Where's the owchie-wowchie? 

EMILY : ( baying / mooing tearfully ) Mommy, pain!! Mommy, ow!! 

SCULLY : ( cuddling Emily in her arms and crooning reassuringly ) It's
OK, Emily. Everything's going to be just
fine. Tell Mommy where it hurts. 

EMILY : ( pointing toward her hoof - we mean, her foot ) There. (
sniffles ) Pain, Mommy! Make pain stop,
Mommy!! 

[ Worried, SCULLY grabs hold of EMILY's ankle firmly and examines it
with a practised doctor's eye. What she
sees makes her gasp. Then it makes her choke. Her eyes widen. ] 

SCULLY : ( a la WMM ) My- God- Emily!! 

[ SCULLY is unable to continue. She is choking and coughing violently,
her eyes bugging out and her face
turning a disgusting mottled scarlet. Her fingers flail helplessly at
her throat. In fear, the bovine EMILY cuddles
closer to her mother ] 

[ The camera settles on the reason for SCULLY's extreme discomfort :
there is a gash on EMILY's leg. Nothing
serious, but deep enough to see the green bubbles forcing their way out
of her body, settling on her skin and
hissing ferociously as if they had a life of their own. EMILY seems
oblivious. ] 

EMILY : ( stupidly ) Mommy got boo-boo too?? 

SCULLY : ( choking ) Em- Em- Emily- ( panting, struggling for breath )
Tell- tell.. Mul- Mulder that- tell
him that- he has to- ( her breathing becomes even more laboured; her
eyes bloodshot ) stop- has to
stop-... 

[ Her lovely blue eyes roll back into her head, and the perfect
complexion so liberally sprinkled with gold dust
turns pallid ] 

SCULLY : ( weakly ) O my dear Emily! I die, Emily, I die. 

[ SCULLY has died an ignoble death. ] 

EMILY : Mommy say bye-bye? 

[ the camera begins to widen into a long shot of the playground :
SCULLY's limp lifeless body is still wrapped
protectively around EMILY, who is moronically unaware of the very real
gravity of the situation. ] 

[ Cut to a quiet, almost inaudible crunch of shoes on sand. Focus on
neon pink Nike^ sneakers coming into
view some distance behind the touching scene of dead mother and bovine
daughter. ] 

[ Cut. Advertisement time. ]

ACT IV 

ACT IV SC I
[ SCENE : The Scully household. MA SCULLY and BROTHER SCULLY clad in
black. General mourning i.e.
sniffling, red eyes, handkerchiefs etc. ] 

[ Knocking on the door. MA SCULLY goes to answer it. MULDER is outside,
with EMILY. She looks into his
eyes for a moment, then looks away. ] 

MA SCULLY : Fox. 

MULDER : ( an uncomfortable pause, he clears his throat ) I'm very
sorry, Mrs. Scully. I - I - ( he is manfully trying
to hold back sobs ) Oh God... 

MA SCULLY : ( maternal as always, reaches over and gives him a hug )
Shhh. Come inside, Fox. 

[ MULDER steps into the house, leaving EMILY standing on the porch. It
is now that we notice that throughout
all this, little EMILY has been chewing the cud ...errr.... Jello ] 

MA SCULLY : ( tears threatening ) Emily, honey. 

[ she envelopes EMILY in a warm hug. Maybe a little too warm ] 

EMILY : ( looking plaintively into her bowl and then at Ma Scully's
shirt ) Jewwo? 

MA SCULLY : Oh- ( she realises there is a long smear of Jello down her
front, and promptly misunderstands
Emily's disappointment. ) Don't worry, baby. It's not your fault. Grammy
can change into something clean later. 

[ she takes hold of EMILY's small but Jello-covered hoof - hand? - and
leads her inside. The door swings slowly
shut behind them. ] 

[ Cut to scene inside the house ] 

[ BROTHER SCULLY regards MULDER with a look of pure hatred ] 

MA SCULLY : Thank you for bringing Emily, Fox. 

MULDER : Mrs. Scully, I don't think you understand the risks that come
with keeping a cow in the house. 

MA SCULLY : ( baffled ) What? 

MULDER : Err... What I meant was, there are substantial risks in
agreeing to becoming Emily's legal guardian. 

MA SCULLY : I don't understand...what risks could there be in looking
after a normal, healthy little girl? 

MULDER : You don't understand. Emily is not a normal, healthy little
girl. She's part of The Syndicate's plans
They deals with extraterrestrial intelligence that involve the creation
of alien-human hybrids. Scully's ova was
harvested while she was abducted. Emily is a creation of The Syndicate.
Emily is an alien hybrid. Her
physiological make-up is toxic to humans. Emily is what killed Scully.
Emily is what caused Scully's cardiac
arrest. You can't keep Emily with you, Mrs. Scully. We need to get rid
of her before she kills any other people.
You have to believe me, Mrs. Scully. ( opening his address book in a
business-like manner ) Now, I know a
reputable abattoir not far from... 

MA SCULLY : ( patronising, obviously disbelieving ) Dana was very fond
of Emily, Fox. I'm sure she would have
wanted me to be responsible for her upbringing. 

MULDER : No! Listen to me, Mrs. Sc- 

BROTHER SCULLY : ( interrupting between clenched teeth ) No you listen
to me, Mr. Mulder. We are fed up
with all your shit about aliens and little green men. ( in a mocking
falsetto ) `You have to believe me!' ( sneers )
You and your shit killed my two sisters. Now either you get out now and
leave Emily to our care, or we press
charges. 

MULDER : ( defeated, hang-dog and shoulders slumped, he walks towards
the door ) I'm sorry, Scully. I tried. 

[ he steps out of the house, walks down the front steps and stops as he
crosses the lawn. MULDER turns back,
shields his eyes with his hand, and sighs. ] 

[ Screen fades to black. ] 

ACT IV SC II
[ SCENE : Heifer Gott Memorial Graveyard. MULDER and SKINNER in front of
SCULLY'S gravestone. Short
pause. MULDER starts to sniffle. SKINNER puts a comforting arm around
him ] 

MULDER : ( sniffs ) Y'know, Scully, I never thought you'd die this way.
Killed by a cow. 

SKINNER : I know this must be very difficult for you, Agent Mulder, but- 

MULDER : You don't know the half of it, sir. I've been through so much
with Scully. ( pause ) With Dana. We've
gone through everything imaginable. Monsters, aliens, government
conspiracies- but we've always pulled
through it together. Made it out in one piece. Now look at her. She was
killed, killed at a time when she was
least suspecting. 

SKINNER : I know how you feel for Agent Scully, Mulder. But she's gone
now. There's nothing you can do to- 

MULDER : The hell I can't! I'm going to figure out how Emily killed
Scully. 

SKINNER : Now, Agent Mulder- she's just a little girl. 

MULDER : ( snorting derisively ) Little girl my hairy white ass. She's
nothing human, sir. I would venture as far
as to say she was- ( pauses, not sure if he dares to reveal something
quite so startling ) 

SKINNER : ( prompting ) Yes? 

MULDER : Well, I would go so far as to say she was- bovine. 

[ SKINNER looks more than slightly dumbstruck. He removes his arm from
around MULDER's shoulders and
steps tentatively away. Obviously, another one of MULDER's
hallucinations / delusions / insane ramblings. Best
to steer clear of- ] 

MULDER : ( in a condescending manner, as if he has all the secrets of
the world at his fingertips ) Bovine. In a
supernatural way, of course. 

SKINNER : ( looking at Mulder inquisitively ) You do know, Agent Mulder,
that bovine is an adjective usually
used in reference with- ( gently ) cows? 

MULDER : ( exploding ) God man, what do you think I am? A bloody moron?
Of course I know what I'm talking
about. Emily is a damn COW, I tell you. Just look at her! Look at the
way she stares straight ahead all the time
like there isn't a thought in her head- 

SKINNER : She's barely six, Agent Mulder. You can't expect her to be- 

MULDER : That's not all, sir. Have you seen her eyes? 

SKINNER : They are a lovely blue. Rather like her mother's. ( he clears
his throat when he notices the pain
coming into Mulder's own brown, human eyes ). Sorry. 

MULDER : Forget it. What I mean is- that vacant, cow-like stare- how
could anyone miss it? It's so
sickeningly obvious! 

SKINNER : Maybe she's thinking, Mulder. Emily always was precocious. 

MULDER : Well, have you seen her eat then? The way she can just sit for
hours masticating her stupid little
bowls of Kwiks^ Jello? She chews the cud, sir! Look at her!! 

[ In anguish and exasperation, MULDER falls to his knees and hammers his
fists on the green turf, as fresh as if
it were planted the day before- oh yeah. It was. ] 

SKINNER : Agent Mulder, there's no easy way to put this. But I think
Agent Scully's death has affected you a lot
more than you care to admit. Why don't you take an official vacation?
Just for a few days. Have some time to
yourself, calm down a little. You obviously don't feel safe leaving
Emily in Mrs. Scully's hands- well, if it would
set your mind at rest, I'll be sure to check up on them often. And if
anything happens which might endanger
either of their lives, I'll be sure to contact you. So you- 

MULDER : ( looks up at Skinner joyfully, tears springing to his eyes )
You mean it, sir? You'll help me? You'll
help me in my quest for the truth? 

SKINNER : What? ( dumbfounded ) I never said anything of the- 

MULDER : ( scrambling to his feet ) Oh thank you, sir! Thank you! (
grabbing Skinner's hand, he pumps it
enthusiastically ) You're a life-saver, sir! 

[ he releases SKINNER's hand and seems to lapse into a semi-trance,
muttering to himself as he paces
restlessly on the same spot ] 

SKINNER : Um- Agent Mulder? 

MULDER : ( gleefully ) Now I'm free to really find out the secret behind
Emily's body structure- I can discover
the reason behind her seemingly toxic blood stream.. I can avenge
Scully!! I can learn the Secret of- ( pauses
for dramatic effect ) The Cow!! Oh wait. I mean, the Syndicate. ( eyes
blazing, he looks back up at his worried
boss ) Thanks again, sir! You don't know how much this means to me! Just
be sure to keep Emily from getting
hurt. Prevent any rupturing of her skin and all that- and give her her
stupid bowls of Jello whenever she
clamours for them. It's actually really easy to take care of her. (
profusely ) Thank you! Thank you so much! 

[ Hardly seeming like a man who has just lost the Love of His Life,
MULDER prances off across the green
cemetery grass, throwing SKINNER a huge grin as he lopes away ] 

SKINNER : ( uncertainly ) You're- welcome-. I think? 

[ Camera pulls back for long shot of the graveyard : SKINNER is a lonely
figure with a mission, standing next to
the fresh earth covering SCULLY's resting place. MULDER is a tiny dot on
the horizon, running off in search of
the Truth of the Cow. ] 

[ Screen fades to black ] 

[ Cut : advertisement time. ]


ACT V

ACT V SC I
[ SCENE : MA SCULLY's home, in the kitchen. EMILY is seated at the
kitchen table with a huge punch bowl
filled with Kwiks^ Lime-Flavoured Jello. She is digging into it with
relish, using a spoon - if hooves can grasp.
MA SCULLY is humming a melancholy tune to herself as she washes up after
EMILY. ] 

[ Cut to pan around entire kitchen : it is a disaster area. Hurricane
Bessie has hit it. Empty crumpled boxes of
Kwiks^ Jello lie scattered across the floor and kitchen counters. The
garbage bin is full to overflowing with the
same. Plates and bowls licked clean are piled in the sink, awaiting a
thorough washing. ] 

MA SCULLY : ( tiredly ) You certainly do have an appetite, Emily
darling. 

[ EMILY makes no response. Instead, she stares moronically into her
Jello and resumes scooping it up almost
mechanically and shovelling it into her mouth. ] 

MA SCULLY : Your mommy never told me how much you liked this kind of
Jello, honey! I'll have to go out and
buy a whole new supply for you soon! 

EMILY : More Jewwo for Emiwy? 

MA SCULLY : ( sighing almost inaudibly ) Yes, Emily. More Jello soon. 

[ she makes a half-hearted swipe at the Jello-coated kitchen counter,
then sinks down into a chair facing her
cow- um, granddaughter ] 

MA SCULLY : ( hesitantly, testing the waters ) You want to do something
else, Emily? Maybe watch some
cartoons? 

EMILY : ( in a stubborn bovine way ) Where Mommy? 

MA SCULLY : Mommy has- ( pauses ) gone somewhere far away, Emily. 

EMILY : Go buy more Jewwo for Emiwy? ( shoves more into her mouth ) 

MA SCULLY : Well- ( not wishing to disappoint Emily ) Yes, honey, but
she won't be back for a long long
time-. 

EMILY : ( bovine visage crumpling ) No Jewwo for Emiwy? 

MA SCULLY : No, no, Emily! Uncle Bill will bring more Jello for you
soon. 

[ EMILY nods placidly and sinks back into her semi-meditative cow-like
state ] 

[ The oven makes a warning noise, and MA SCULLY gets up to deal with it
] 

MA SCULLY : Now, Emily, if you're done with that Jello, why don't you
put the bowl in the sink, and Grammy will
let you try some of the delicious muffins she just made-? 

[ EMILY stares dolefully at her empty bowl, looks at her grandmother,
opens her mouth, and releases the
loudest 'Moo' anyone has ever heard. ] 

EMILY : No wan muffin! Me wan Jeeewooo! ( accusingly ) Mommy always give
Emiwy Jewwo! 

MA SCULLY : ( a tad impatiently ) There is no more Jello, Emily. Just
put your bowl in the sink and sit tight.
Uncle Bill will bring you some more soon, alright? 

[ The cow - girl? - pouts. Pushing herself out of her chair, EMILY wraps
her limbs around the huge bowl and
totters unsteadily to the sink. She is just about to shove the bowl in
when she slips, and the bowl goes crashing
to the floor. ] 

[ Crack : the punch bowl is broken. EMILY sits down on the floor amidst
the shards of glass, emitting loud
inhuman wails. Essentially, she is mooing. Really loudly. ] 

MA SCULLY : ( horrified, rushing over to Emily ) Emily, Emily! Oh my
darling granddaughter! Why are you so
clumsy? ( she gathers the quivering bovine mess into her arms and coos -
not moos - comfortingly to it ) Tell
Grammy where it hurts, and Grammy will make it all better! 

EMILY : ( lifting up her fore hoof- no, hand for Ma Scully's inspection
) Boo-boo!! 

MA SCULLY : Oh dear- that looks rather serious, baby. I'll just have to- 

[ she is brutally cut off half-sentence as the camera focuses once again
on the bubbling green mass emerging
from the cut on EMILY's wrist (?) ] 

[ Close-up of MA SCULLY's face : her eyes are crossed and her face
contorted into something resembling a
stewed tomato and its wrinkled loose skin. She begins to choke and moves
inadvertently away from EMILY ] 

[ MA SCULLY is in convulsions : EMILY innocently moves closer to her
gasping grandmother and hugs MA
SCULLY's face. ] 

[ The camera shows a thin wisp of green smoke, almost invisible,
wreathing itself around the unfortunate face
of the remaining female member of the SCULLY clan ] 

[ EMILY, in a touching show of concern, pats MA SCULLY'S face gently ] 

[ MA SCULLY's eyes bulge out of her face very much the same way her own
daughter's did a few days ago.
Suddenly, she shivers violently, and her hold on her bovine relation
immediately slackens. MA SCULLY has
joined the ranks of the dead. ] 

[ EMILY looks curiously, with big placid eyes, cocked head, at MA SCULLY
lying dead on the floor ] 

[ The back door rockets open. BROTHER SCULLY is standing there, laden
down with huge brown grocery
bags piled high with boxes of Kwiks^ Lime-Flavoured Jello. ] 

BROTHER SCULLY : ( a la Ricky Ricardo ) Mom? Emily? I'm hoooome!! 

[ The smile on his face is frozen into position, and then disappears as
he takes in the scene spread out before
him. ] 

BROTHER SCULLY : ( mouth agape ) Oh my God! Mom! Emily, get away from
her! 

[ In a rare obliging moment, EMILY lumbers over to BROTHER SCULLY and
tugs at him, pointing coyly at the
boxes of Jello ] 

[ Dropping the grocery bags on the floor, he rushes over and gathers his
mother into his arms. He begins to cry,
sobs wracking his body. EMILY, on the other hand, shrugs like the
good-natured creature she is and toddles
over to where the boxes of Jello have littered the ground. She picks up
a box and hugging it to herself, trots
back to her uncle's side. ] 

EMILY : ( waving the box in BROTHER SCULLY'S face ) Emiwy's Jewwo. 

[ Ah, but this is sad irony! The gash on EMILY's wrist has yet to heal,
and her waving the toxic gas in her uncle's
face triggers in him an epileptic fit. As he goes into seizures, EMILY
frowns a little bovine frown and plops
herself heavily onto her butt. She rips open the Jello box as best she
can and begins eating the powdered Jello
mix. Yuck. ] 

[ The plaintive wail of the doorbell is heard as BROTHER SCULLY breathes
his last. EMILY calmly stuffs more
light-green powder into herself. ] 

[ Cut to front door : SKINNER, as good as his word, has come to check up
on the SCULLY family. Alas, he is
too late, for EMILY is the last surviving member. ] 

[ As SKINNER checks his watch impatiently : fade to black. ] 

ACT V SC II
[ SCENE : SKINNER in the F.B.I. Field Office. He is on the phone ] 

MULDER VOICE-OVER : ( frantically ) What do you mean there was no
answer? 

SKINNER : Agent Mulder, calm down. They've probably just gone away for a
little while. To greener pastures.
They need time to heal, Mulder. 

[ Cut to shot of a visibly agitated MULDER. ] 

MULDER : ( runs hand worriedly through hair ) Sir, you don't understand
- 

SKINNER : ( interrupts ) All right. Agent Mulder, if it makes you happy,
I'll send a team over to have a look in the
house. Just to make sure everything's okay. Which I'm sure it is. 

[ Click : he puts down the phone. The camera focuses on SKINNER's hand
still gripping the receiver. ] 

[ A sigh from SKINNER, exasperated. ] 

ACT V SC III
[ SCENE : Night time. Exterior shot of the SCULLY house. A two-man
F.B.I. team is looking in the windows,
knocking, doing the standard "heellloooo...anyone home" routine etc.
Basically pretty standard stuff ] 

[ No answer. With surprising ease, they quickly pick the lock on the
door - hey, remember this is TV, anything's
possible ( and trespassers are seldom ever prosecuted ) - and enter the
house ] 

F.B.I. MAN 1 : ( gagging ) Euuuuughhhh... looks like we've got a real
mess on our hands here. 

[ F.B.I. MAN 2 doesn't respond, he is busy sicking up in a corner ] 

[ F.B.I. MAN 1 moves into the house, apparently unaware that he can turn
on the lights. He is desperately trying
to assess the damage with the narrow beam from his standard-issue FBI
flashlight, the kind MULDER was
whining about previously ] 

F.B.I. MAN : OK....we have 2 dead... and oh my... what's this...?
There's the little girl. She's alive. Skinner'll be
pleased. 

[ Cut to shot of EMILY lying prone on the tiled kitchen floor, breathing
heavily and loudly as cows are given to
doing. The empty box of Jello is wedged onto her hoof / hand. There are
evident light green flecks of Kwiks^
Lime-Flavoured Jello on her face where she has obviously failed to
sufficiently lick herself clean. ] 

F.B.I. MAN 2 : She's a strange one, ain't she? ( gathering the
slumbering calf into his arms ) Oof. She sure
doesn't look this heavy. OK, I'll take her back to Skinner. You can
clean up here. 

[ Fade to black ] 

ACT V SC IV
[ SCENE : SKINNER's apartment. SKINNER is once again dealing with a
harried MULDER on the phone ] 

SKINNER : Yes...she's here, Mulder. She's perfectly safe. I think she's
asleep- Would you like to speak to
her? Yes... Mrs. Scully and Bill Scully were DOA. Preliminary reports
indicate cardiac arrest. Similar to Agent
Scully's. 

MULDER : ( muffled ) And you don't find that odd, Sir? Three cardiac
arrests in three days, all within the same
family, all in Emily's presence. 

SKINNER : ( short pause ) Agent Mulder, I'd like you to come down here
as soon as possible and find out what
the hell's going on. 

MULDER : On my way. 

[ Click : the phone is disconnected on MULDER's side, and SKINNER slowly
removes the receiver from his
ear. He stares at it, at a loss, for a few moments. ] 

[ Exhausted, SKINNER puts his face in his hands and slumps on the table
] 

[ EMILY, meanwhile, has ploughed through yet another bowl of Jello. Not
wanting to disturb SKINNER, she
lumbers into the kitchen in search of more. ] 

[ Scene changes to SKINNER's kitchen : EMILY perched precariously on a
stool, trying to reach the Jello boxes
on a high shelf ] 

[ Cut to shot of knife rack, which, for some reason known only to a
single man, has the knives point side up.
Suitably frightening music ( the generic horror show chord ) blares ] 

[ The predictable happens. EMILY tumbles with a crash onto the knives,
upsetting some boxes of Jello onto the
counter in the process. In typical gory B-Grade Horror Movie Style, cut
to puke-inducing shot of Emily impaled
on knives. Suitably frightening music. EMILY wails. As before, we see
the green froth bubble to the surface - a
generous amount this time. ] 

[ SKINNER, hearing the crash, rushes into the kitchen ] 

SKINNER : Oh, Jesus, what the hell is this? Emily, why are you so
clumsy? 

[ he reaches over and starts to pull out the knives- then notices the
green froth. He claps a hasty hand over his
nose and mouth to keep out the toxic scent. But it is too late. ] 

SKINNER : AuuuughhhH!!!! ( chokes and gasps, grabbing his chest )
hhhhcccckkkk......I ca...KAAAAA.... 

[ SKINNER collapses and dies ] 

[ EMILY regards him quizzically, reaches down and pulls the remaining
knife from her abdomen. The wound
begins to heal. She smiles mysteriously as cows are wont to do, picks up
one of the boxes and seems as if
she is about to rip it open. ] 

[ The doorbell sounds. Cut to shot of MULDER in the hallway, leaning
impatiently on the button. Back in the
kitchen, EMILY remains oblivious to the scattered knives and the limp
body of SKINNER on the counter. She
munches stolidly. ] 

MULDER : Sir? Sir? I got here as fast as I could! ( pounding heavily on
the door ) Sir??? ( he realises what
must have happened ) Shit. Emily!! 

[ he rams himself into the door repeatedly with his right shoulder. ] 

MULDER : ( rubbing his shoulder regretfully ) Ow. That looks a whole lot
easier in the movies. And I used to be
able to do it really well too. 

[ Frustrated, he pounds helplessly on the door. Tense moments pass. But
suddenly, as if experiencing an
epiphany, he tests the doorknob. Oh of course. It's unlocked. ] 

MULDER : ( muttering to himself in self-deprecatory manner ) Oh well
done, Fox Mulder. Break your shoulder
against the door and don't try the knob first. Great. 

[ Still mumbling angrily, he strides purposefully into the apartment,
advancing through the living room towards
the kitchen. ] 

MULDER : Emily? Sir? 

[ An eerie silence responds ] 

MULDER : ( pensively ) Guess they must have gone to the grocery store
across the road. ( laughing uneasily )
To get more Jello. That must be it. 

[ he stands uncomfortably in the middle of the living room, unsure of
what to do next. A loud mooing disturbs his
concentration. ] 

MULDER : ( immediately recognising the distinctive sound ) Emily? Where
are you? 

[ Following the string of contented moos floating out of the kitchen,
MULDER bounds in and is greeted with the
gruesome spectacle. SKINNER is sprawled at a revolting angle across the
floor now, EMILY having pushed
him out of the way to reach a Jello box he had so callously been
blocking from her eager grasp. ] 

MULDER : My God, Emily! You- you- 

EMILY : ( through a mouthful of powder and cud ) Hewwo, Unkie Fox. 

[ Devastated and truly bitter now, MULDER storms over to EMILY, stepping
over SKINNER in his haste.
Grabbing the box of Jello out of her grip, he proceeds to stuff it into
the garbage disposal and grind it
triumphantly into dust. ] 

[ Cut to Emily's face : big blue bovine eyes fill quickly with tears. A
choked 'moo'. ] 

EMILY : Jewwo say bye bye? 

MULDER : ( now furious ) You bet your Jello says bye bye!! How can you
still eat at a time like this? What's
wrong with you, Emily? Don't you miss your mother at all? 

EMILY : ( in a self-satisfied way ) Mommy go buy Jewwo for Emiwy. 

MULDER : ( taking a deep shuddering breath ) Jello? 

EMILY : ( proudly ) Wots of Jewwo. Wots and wots of it for wittle Emiwy. 

[ Ignoring the annoyingly insistent cow / girl, MULDER returns to the
counter and picks up an empty box of Jello.
He turns it around in his hands a few times, then begins to read the
sides and back for nutritional information. ] 

MULDER : There must be something here. It has to explain why- 

[ Suddenly, he pauses. Swallows. Looks up at EMILY, looks back down at
the box, and seems to read a certain
passage over again to himself. He is shocked out of his hide. Oh no, we
mean skin. Sorry... force of habit. ] 

MULDER : Oh Jesus. This explains it then. Scully, this is why Emily is
the way she is now! ( angry tears blinding
his vision ) Damn it all, Scully! Why didn't you read the back of the
box for once? Why didn't you dissect
everything to pieces like you always do-? 

EMILY : ( self-importantly ) Mommy wove Emiwy. 

MULDER : ( spinning to face her ) Shut the hell up, you- you- ( the next
word is infused with all the hatred and
bitterness possible ).. cow. 

[ The sudden unmistakable sound of footsteps and heavy laboured
breathing. MULDER turns on his heel and
gasps. EMILY, sitting serenely on the counter behind him, brightens up
considerably and waves her little hoof
at- ] 

[ In a dizzying whirl, the camera pans across the kitchen floor,
decorated with the odd knife and some forgotten
piles of Jello powder. It settles on the entrance to the kitchen. As
well as a pair of neon pink Nike^ sneakers. ] 

[ The camera continues its journey upwards, taking in the rather baggy
tailored black pants, a close-fitting black
suit incongruous with the dazzling fashion statement made by the
sneakers, up to the face of- you guessed it!
the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN! About time, eh? ] 

[ His face is creased into a cruel smile, a Morley cigarette dangling at
the corner of his lips. He looks very much
the consummate villain- until his eyes glaze slightly. He goes into a
coughing fit, no doubt the result of many
years of chain-smoking. Thumping his chest in a most undignified way,
CSM attempts to recover his
composure. ] 

CSM : ( clearing his cancer-ravaged throat ) Hello, Agent Mulder. 

MULDER : You. Again. 

CSM : ( more charmingly ) Hello, Emily. 

EMILY : Hewwo, Daddy!! Daddy buy Jewwo for Emiwy? 

MULDER : ( sardonically ) Daddy? ( he laughs cynically ) I should have
known. You twisted pathetic little man. 

CSM : Watch that mouth of yours, Agent Mulder. 

MULDER : ( defiantly ) Give me one good reason why I should. 

CSM : I can give you several. To save your own life. To save her- ( he
indicates Emily with the cigarette butt
now clenched in his fingers ). To avenge Agent Scully. Her mother. Her
brother. Your employer and friend.
Need I go on? 

MULDER : ( face tightening ) No. What do you want? What will it take for
you to stop meddling in our lives? 

CSM : Nothing is ever that simple, Agent Mulder. It just doesn't work
that way. ( he seems to notice for the first
time the Jello box clutched painfully in Mulder's hand ) I see you've
finally read the warning? 

MULDER : Yes. 

CSM : ( almost grinning ) Why don't you read it to me, then-? 

MULDER : ( with hate in his eyes and voice, he reads ) ' Not to be eaten
in excess. Not to be consumed in
powder form and unsuitable for dunking. Especially keep away from cows.
Will induce toxic reactions within the
body, various speech impediments, a drastic reduction in intelligence
levels and an inordinate lack of manual
dexterity. Clumsiness is a common side effect. If consumed in large
amounts, addiction is wholly possible. ' (
he swallows with great difficulty and glares at his nemesis ) 

CSM : That's not all, is it? Go on. 

MULDER : ( taking a deep breath ) ' Kwiks^ is in no way responsible for
negligence of warning. No
reimbursements will be made. Try Grape-Flavoured Peach Tea. ' I don't
think there's anything more there that
concerns us. 

CSM : There you go. I didn't do anything much. We fed Emily in
accordance with what were acceptable levels
of the stuff. Your Agent Scully didn't. Didn't read the instructions
either- didn't resist her daughter's copious
demands- don't you think she deserved to..? 

MULDER : ( eyes blazing ) Shut the fuck up! It's not Scully's fault, you
monster! It's yours! You're sick!
Perverted! Why are you rearing these children if you never meant to give
them the love and joy this world can
bring them? And why Emily? ( his voice drops to a whisper ) Why Scully? 

CSM : I thought you would have known that, Agent Mulder. Isn't there a
minimum intelligence requirement to be
an Oxford graduate? 

MULDER : Not really. 

CSM : Because of you, Agent Mulder. It might seem implausible, stupid
even, that a group of powerful and
influential government officials like the Syndicate could be so
needlessly worried over the insane ramblings of
just one man. But you can destroy us, Mulder. Your beliefs are our
common enemies. They threaten our stand.
They also cause immeasurable pain to the people around you. Like Agent
Scully. 

MULDER : I still don't understand. I'm just one man. How much of a
threat could I pose anyway? 

CSM : Quite a big one, Agent Mulder. You're an annoying little bugger.
Always getting under our skin, fouling up
our plans, saving the whole world. You've done that too many times to be
forgiven. 

MULDER : If you just killed me, you wouldn't have a problem. Why
implicate the others? Why cause them so
much grief? 

CSM : We can't kill you, Mulder. We have to torture you emotionally for
seven interminably long years,
preventing any true happiness in your life. 

MULDER : ( in an anguished tone ) But why?? 

CSM : No real reason. I like it. 

MULDER : That doesn't make any sense at all! Why don't you just kill me? 

CSM : Well- ( grins like a happy child )- if you're so insistent, maybe
I will. 

[ he draws a gun from his front jacket pocket and walks over to stare
MULDER right in the eye. He cocks the
trigger lovingly and aims. ] 

CSM : Maybe after seven years, it really is time to end it all. What do
you think, Agent Mulder? ( he smirks
gleefully ) After all, there's no reason for you to hang around in this
life anymore. Agent Scully's long gone. Why
don't you follow her? 

MULDER : ( staring squarely at the barrel of the gun ) Look, in the true
tradition of Mafia-type death scenes,
why don't I just ask one last question. For old times' sake? 

CSM : ( lowering the gun slightly ) Sure. Shoot. 

[ Both notice the poor pun at the same time and half-smile in disgust at
each other. ] 

MULDER : How did Emily turn into this- this bovine excuse for a human
being? What did you do to her? 

CSM : That's an easy question, Agent Mulder- she's essentially the same
as she was two years ago when
you saw her last. Most of her actions and her behaviour now, as you have
probably inferred, are Jello-induced.
We discovered sometime ago that Kwiks^ Lime-Flavoured Jello was the best
substitute for the more
expensive seaweed wraps we used to provide growing alien hybrids. 

MULDER : You mean the green stuff they hibernate in- that used to be
seaweed?!? 

CSM : ( nodding ) And awfully expensive too. It's not easy exporting
wholesale from Japan, you know. The best
brands are often found in- 

MULDER : ( ponderingly ) Sea kelp-. 

CSM : Excuse me? 

MULDER : I said 'sea kelp'. 

CSM : Oh. I thought you said 'seek help'. 

MULDER : I think maybe I did. 

CSM : ( shooting daggers at Mulder with his eyes ) Anyway, we were
trying all kinds of nutrition sources for our
little children here- and despite the rather numerous side effects of
the Jello - it also causes a stemming of the
blood circulation to the brain on first sampling, which explains your
little fainting spell in the factory - it seemed
the best substitute. Cost-wise. 

[ MULDER glances over at EMILY, who has remained quiet all this time.
She has been struggling to get off the
counter. MULDER turns his attention back to CSM ] 

MULDER : I can't believe you. You toy with these children's lives so
easily- but how do you explain the bovine
elements in Emily's character? That seems to have nothing to do with the
Jello. Or at least it's not immediately
apparent. 

CSM : ( laughing ) That's rather a scientific breakthrough on our part,
really, Agent Mulder. You should thank
Agent Scully for that. 

MULDER : ( not comprehending a thing ) Scully? How did she do this? 

[ he waves a dismissive hand at EMILY, who almost as if on cue, issues a
tiny moo of exhaustion. It's not easy
for quadrupeds to get off high counters. ] 

CSM : She allowed the first Emily to die, Agent Mulder. Two years ago,
she let the first successful blend of
alien and human girl - we speak of the embryo, of course - die. Our
goons stole her back but we had to find a
way to revive her. 

MULDER : ( light dawning ) You mean to say- she's been spliced with the
genes of a- ( swallows again; his
throat seems to be awfully dry tonight ) cow? 

CSM : You say it much better than I do, Agent Mulder. That's right.
Emily is our first alien-cow-human hybrid.
And a very successful one, I might add. 

MULDER : Why- why a cow in particular? 

CSM : ( mysteriously ) Now, Agent Mulder, that's enough questions from
you for today. I was only supposed to
answer one, was I not? ( holding up the gun and giggling malevolently )
Time to die!! 

[ By this time, EMILY has successfully clambered off the counter and
plodded over to CSM's side. ] 

EMILY : ( tugging on his coat ) Daddy? Emiwy want more Jewwo. 

CSM : Not right now, Emily. Daddy's busy. 

EMILY : ( like the spoilt cow she is ) Wight now! Jewwo wight now! 

CSM : ( angrily ) Oh here. 

[ Impatiently, he strides over to the shelf and easily gets a full box
down for EMILY and shoves it at her. The gun
is effectively kept trained on MULDER all the time. ] 

MULDER : ( almost tenderly, like a wistful parent ) Real brat, isn't
she? 

CSM : I don't see how she concerns you anymore, Agent Mulder. I think
it's time for you to meet your Maker. 

MULDER : I don't believe so easily in religious phenomena. 

CSM : Oh, but an alien-cow-human hybrid is perfectly understandable? 

MULDER : Sounds right to me. 

[ CSM turns the gun on MULDER's head again. Slow motion mode, camera
bringing into tight focus CSM's
tobacco-stained liver-spotted hand, the finger coming ever closer to the
trigger. ] 

[ Suddenly, like a stroke of bovine fortune, the customary mooing erupts
from EMILY ] 

[ Both men turn to look at her in wonder. She is nursing her hoof
against herself, mooing pitifully. In attempting
to rip the Jello box open, EMILY has sustained a fatal paper cut. Though
of course, not fatal to her. ] 

EMILY : Daddy, Emiwy got boo-boo! 

CSM : Good Lord, Emily, why are you so clumsy? 

MULDER : ( spitefully ) You should know why. ( reciting the line almost
as if he had memorised it ) 'Clumsiness
is a common side effect'. It's that stupid Jello again!! 

CSM : Who are the morons who insisted on feeding her truckloads of the
stuff every day? 

MULDER : How were we to know it was so harmful? 

[ As the two of them stand squabbling, the forgotten EMILY lumbers over
to get the attention she thinks she
rightfully deserves. ] 

EMILY : Daddy, wook at Emiwy!! Wook at boo-boo! 

CSM : Not right now, alright? ( he grabs her by the wrist ) Let Daddy
work, OK? 

MULDER : ( suddenly remembering just exactly how dangerous the methane
cows emit can be ) Oh shit! She's
dangerous! Get out of here! Fast!! 

[ However, it is too late for CSM, who has accidentally touched EMILY's
wound. The toxic gas has permeated
his system. Once again, he totters around unsteadily for a while,
choking painfully and struggling to breathe. ] 

[ Spurred on by the coughing - made worse by years of cancer - MULDER
turns to make a run for it. But as
Tragic Fate would have it, EMILY catches hold of his leg and hugs it to
herself with all her bovine might. ] 

EMILY : Unkie Fox? Jewwo for Emiwy? 

MULDER : ( with a hand over his mouth ) Emily, let go of Uncle Fox.
He'll come back and get you later. 

EMILY : ( persistently ) No, Emiwy wan Jewwo nnoooooooow! 

CSM : ( turning blue ) Ughahahhccccck! 

MULDER : Emily, I really have to go. 

[ sadly and ironically, MULDER chose to respond to the little cow's
advances. His nasal passages have been
irrevocably exposed to the toxins flowing out of EMILY's paper cut. He
too, begins to choke, and sets foot on
the same path that so many people before him have trod : SCULLY, MA
SCULLY, BROTHER SCULLY,
SKINNER- etc. ] 

CSM : ( stumbling around the kitchen helplessly and tripping over the
prostrate body of Skinner ) Oops. 

[ Crashing to the floor, his hand flies to his collar, trying
desperately to loosen it. But just as the first button
becomes undone, his eyes cross and the life ebbs out of his liver spots.
] 

MULDER : ( in a forced falsetto ) Oh, Emily! I die, I die! It is a far
better death I go to, than anything else I could
imagine! I have found the truth, Emily- ( suddenly delusional ) Scully?
( titters insanely to himself ) Scully- I
can see you brandishing your scalpel! Oh Scully, I come, I come to your
arms! 

[ Reaching out into empty space, MULDER staggers a few steps forward
with the cow still clinging tightly to his
thigh. Finally, brought down by the weight and inescapable death, he
falls to the kitchen floor, increasing the
body count to three. ] 

[ Close-up of MULDER's face : his eyes have rolled far up into his head.
Tongue lolling at a distended angle out
of his mouth. ] 

[ Camera lengthens to full-body shot. EMILY, weak from lack of Jello,
now lies comatose, still tightly wrapped
around MULDER's lifeless leg. She continues to moo weakly. ] 

[ Shot of entire kitchen floor : sprawled across it are what used to be
three great men, now reduced to the
quintessence of dust. What a fitting ending. ] 

[ Screen fades to black. ] 

ACT V SC V
[ SCENE : a pastoral picture, set somewhere on a farm. Pretty little
thatched cottages with fenced areas for
animals. The camera moves slowly to a rather large farmhouse at the end
of the road, and centres on a
signboard on the stile. 

                                       Happy Bessie Farm
                                 Specialising in Free Range Cows
                                          Going cheap!

The camera continues panning, and zooms in for a tight shot into a
first-floor window of the house. EMILY is
seated on the window seat, staring dazedly out at her relatives, grazing
freely in the meadows. ] 

FARMER'S WIFE VOICE-OVER : Emily, honey! Come and get it! 

FARMER VOICE-OVER : Emily, it's your favourite! Jello! 

[ Close-up of EMILY's face. The eyes flicker for a moment, with what
seems to be human intelligence, and then
recede into blankness again. She smiles a little bovine smile. ] 

EMILY : Emiwy coming! Emiwy coming for Jewwo! 

[ she clambers off the cushions and lumbers off-screen. ] 

[ Screen suddenly goes completely black. ] 

[ Roll credits ] 

[ Play creepy X-Files version of the advertisement jingle of the famous
cheese, " La Vache Qui Rit ". EMILY's
plaintive mooing, in acapella, becomes the main voice-over for the song,
which is now bereft of all intelligible
lyrics. ] 

[ End episode. ] 

[ End X-Files. Forever. ]