From lauracap@erols.com Sun Nov 17 09:33:53 1996
Disclaimer:  I don't own these characters but neither does FOX.  Any 
resemblance to real persons or situations would totally amaze the author 
of this story and is truly unintentional...because then it wouldn't be 
funny.  It would be as serious as a FOX alien documentary.  The X-Files 
and the characters in the show are of course the protected property of 
1013 Productions and the FOX Television Network and will remain so, in 
perpetuity.  Please try not to hum any tunes or conjure up any pictures 
in your mind while you are reading this story.  The sounds and images 
may be copyrighted and I don't want to infringe or be charged as an 
accessory to infringement.

Dedication: This story is dedicated to all of the fans and all of the 
fan fiction writers who generated serious output on the episode in 
question.  I salute your fervor.

Note:  Please privately e-mail me with comments bad or good.  I like all 
feedback.  

Rating: R    Classification: H (Humor)  

Summary:  An irreverent look at the behind-the-scenes secrets of The X- 
Files.


The Brain Trust  (1/1)
By Laura Capozzola

The Creator looked around the conference table, leaned over and 
whispered to Double D who was seated to his right.  "This is a creative 
meeting with my executive producers, co-producers, consulting producers 
and just plain old producers.  What the hell are you doing here?"  He 
realized the harsh tone was a mistake as soon as the last word slipped 
off of his tongue. 

The wounded actor hesitated.  The lower lip came out first followed by 
the pained expression Stan Laurel, of Laurel and Hardy fame, perfected 
in his acting career.  The tears began to well before the words spilled 
out in staccato fashion.   "Well, I think (sniff) I have something 
(sniff) to offer.  I did go to college and I think that I'm a (sniff) 
creative kind of guy."  The lower lip started to quiver uncontrollably.

"Okay, you can stay."  The Creator sighed and remembered the last 
contract.  He knew he would do anything to keep his lead actor happy.  
"Let's get started.  Where did we leave off?"

"Boss, except for Gordo who wasn't here, we decided that we wanted to go 
with the title, The Field Where I Somethinged.  We all thought it was 
catchy and would drum up speculation with the fans on the Internet.  I'm 
sure once we decide on the episode title,  someone in this room can 
write a story around it."

"Alright, let's hear some ideas."  The Creator looked directly at The 
Prodigals who returned after their Sci-Fi show went belly-up.

"We were thinking, The Field Where I Became A Bride.  Weddings are good 
for the Neilsen's.  The episode could focus on a Scully wedding.  Maybe 
it could be a flashback of a secret she's been hiding...a marriage that 
didn't work out.  She left the guy.  He cracked.  The ex has been in a 
mental institution.  He comes back, kidnaps her and forces her to --"

"You, you want to do a show that focuses on....Scully?"  The actor's 
horrified expression was followed by the quivering lower lip.

Sensing a scene in the making that he would do anything to avoid, The 
Creator intervened.  "Okay, we'll mark that down as a definite probably 
not.  Anything else?"  He gazed over at the Irish producer with the 
three names, none of which he could remember at the moment.

"How about, The Field Where I Was Denied?  Mulder could go batshit 
crazy, jump on Scully in the tall grass and she could slap him and tell 
him to take a hike."  

"Then could I cry?"  Double D was warming up to the idea.

"Sure.  We could even have you whip it out when you pounce on her.  It 
would drive the Internet chicks insane.  I think we'd have to put some 
kind of content warning at the beginning of the show but doesn't FOX do 
that for one of their other shows?  It would definitely be a ratings 
booster." 

The Creator sighed.  "Forget it guys. I don't do relationship stories, 
remember?  No love, no UST, no lust between my two leads.  They are, 
‘in- like' with each other and I'm trying to downplay that, too, this 
season."  He scowled at The Prodigals who slipped up on that point in 
the Home episode.

"Hey, boss."  It was the Bow Man, recently bumped up to the producer job 
title and eager to score points with The Creator.   "Kimmy and I have 
been discussing that very subject.  What about, The Field Where We 
Collide?  Mulder and Scully could spend the whole episode bickering with 
each other.  It could be the ultimate anti-shipper episode."

"What the hell is a shipper?"  One of the co-producers was perplexed.


The Creator gave him a 1 minute overview.  He was sure that there were 
others in the room who could use the info but were afraid to admit they 
didn't know, either. 

"Thanks, Skipper."  Gilligan was satisfied.       

But of course The Creator nixed the whole idea.  "We did this already.  
Remember Syzygy?  For cryin' out loud Bow Man.  You directed it.  I 
wrote it.  It stunk.  The fans hated it.  Let's move on."

"How about, The Field Where I Fried?  It could be about some slacker who 
channels the power of lightening.  The fans would love it."  The 
Prodigals beamed.  They were certain they had made the ultimate 
contribution to the discussion.

The Creator was not impressed.  "Yeah, and it was a good idea the first 
time we did it.  D.P.O., for cryin' out loud.  Does that ring a bell?  
Look, I asked you to do your homework before you came back.  I  guess 
you guys haven't taken the time to read the episode summaries on the 
Official X-Files website.   The Fox Network lawyers tell me that it's 
the most popular site on the Web.  Millions of fans supposedly visit it 
every day.  So, why can't you?  You know how important story continuity 
and small details are to me.  Jeez."

The Prodigals lowered their eyes in shame.

"Hey, what about The Field Where I Shagged Flies?  It could --"

"- - be about the boy Fox Mulder and his Little League days."  Gordo, 
one of the executive producers, finished the sentence for Double D.

"I wasn't thinking of the boy Fox Mulder," the star sniffed. "I was 
thinking that Mulder could be the star outfielder at the FBI agent 
softball game.  I could wear really tight uniform pants, unbutton my 
shirt and spout intelligent baseball stats for Willie Mays and Joe 
DiMaggio."  The actor reached across the conference table to grab a 
jelly donut and promptly dropped it on one of the co-producer's notes.

The creator rolled his eyes.   "RW, what say you?"

"How about a crossover, boss?  I'm told women like that Jerry O'Connell 
kid.  We could call it The Field Where I Slide.  Same network."

"Spotsy, are you getting all of this down in the master set of notes?  
What have we got so far?"

"We've got The Field Where I Became A Bride, The Field Where I Was 
Denied, The Field Where We Collide, The Field Where I Fried, The Field 
Where I Slide and The Field Where I Shagged Flies.  Am I missing 
anything?"

"How about The Field Where I Hide?  It could be a Krycek story."  All 
eyes turned to the dark-haired actor who had just entered the room.

"What are you doing here, Ratboy?"  The last thing The Creator needed 
was another actor with creative input.

"Double D has my leather jacket.  I just came here to get it back and 
then I'll  be out of here." 

The star stood up, removed the leather jacket draped across the back of 
his chair and fondled it.   "I don't think this is yours.  It's mine."

"What the hell are you talking about?  You borrowed it from me the other 
day to impress the script girl.  You're always borrowing it from me.  
You said it makes you look tough."

Once again, the lower lip came out quivering.  "But, but I got (sniff) a 
messy new haircut to go with the jacket."

The Creator had heard enough.  He stood up, grabbed the leather jacket 
from his star, thrust it into the hands of the semi-regular and pushed 
him out of the door.  "Can we get back to the matter at hand?"

"Who's next on the hit list, boss?  We could call it, The Field Where I 
Committed Suicide."

The Creator mulled that one over for a minute.  If he bumped off Krycek, 
in any manner, those Internet women threatened to make his life 
miserable.  Skinner wasn't the type to take his own life.  The Cigarette 
Smoking Man was voted the Most Evil Villain on TV, or something like 
that, by readers of TV Guide.  So, that wouldn't be a good move.  One of 
the Lone Gunmen, now that might work, but what would motivate any one of 
them to do it?  He hadn't fleshed out their characters enough in 
previous episodes.  Hey, Pendrell - he was a possibility.  A good 
possibility.  The Creator decided to keep it to himself and play that 
card when it was his turn to write an episode.

"No.  I'm not having anyone commit suicide.  Come up with something 
else."

Everyone stared down at the table and silence enveloped the room.


The actor was the first to break the tension.  "The Field Where I Cried. 
 I don't know why I didn't think of it before.  There are so many things 
Mulder could cry about...his father's death, his mother in the hospital, 
his missing sister, Skinner yelling at him, Scully nagging him, his 
previous lives during the Civil War and in Nazi Germany..."

They all jerked their heads up in unison and stared at the actor.  Did 
he really have something worth pursuing?

"I'm getting really good at it, you know.  The crying.  I just need a 
few more episodes under my belt.  Want to see me do it now?"  The actor 
started to scrunch up his eyes and jut out his lower lip but no one was 
paying attention to him.  The room was abuzz with past lives scenarios 
and plot possibilities.  The creative juices were flowing once again.

At 10:00 PM The Creator adjourned the meeting.  "Tomorrow morning at 8 
o'clock boys.  We'll pick it up where we left off.  You can leave 
everything here.  Go home and get a good night's sleep.  I think we 
accomplished something tonight."

The executive producers, the consulting producers, the co-producers and 
the just plain old producers slapped each other on the back and filed 
out of the conference room.  The last man out shut the light and closed 
the door.  The star caught up to The Creator when he was halfway down 
the hall.  

"You know, I could throw myself down in the grass and weep 
uncontrollably for at least five minutes or sob relentlessly with my 
head buried in Scully's bosom or I could raise my head up to the sky 
with tears streaming down my cheeks ...."

"Yeah, okay.  Let me sleep on it and I'll get back to you tomorrow.  
You're filming tomorrow, right?  Too bad you'll miss the meeting.  I 
know we're all going to miss your input."  The Creator hugged his star 
and patted him on the back affectionately.  Certifiable batshit crazy he 
thought to himself but the 
women love him so what the hell.

	*****

At 11:00 PM,  the cleaning woman, dragging her cart and vacuum cleaner, 
opened the door to the conference room and turned on the light.  She 
emptied the waste paper baskets and threw out the remaining jelly donuts 
before sitting down at the table to flip through the master notes in the 
big red book.  She smiled, and as she had done countless evenings 
before, picked up the pencil and erased The Field Where I Cried before 
printing The Field Where I Died in the script of the co-producer.  She 
shuddered when she recalled that one week when she took her vacation.  
They were working on the Peacock story at the time and look what 
happened with that episode title.

Five minutes later she was vacuuming the carpet.

	-The End-