From: Isahunter@aol.com
Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1999 17:55:12 EDT
Subject: NEW: "Breakdown" by Diadem (1/1)
Source: xff


Title:  Breakdown (1/1)

Author:  Diadem

Category:  V, A, MS friendship

Rating:  PG

Spoilers:  I would say cancer arc, but as this takes
     place immediately after Leonard Betts, I guess
     I needn't really include it.  But definitely LB itself.

Disclaimer:  These characters do not belong to me,
     they belong to CC, 10:13 and Fox.  No infringement
     is intended, and remember, imitation is the sincerest
     form of flattery.

Feedback:  Of course!  Diadem@cwcom.net  I promise to reply
     as soon as I get my computer back (this week?  Please,
nice Mr Repair Guy?)

Archive:  Gossamer's fine, anyone else please let me
     know first.

Notes:  Yup, another post ep, from literally years ago
     this time.  I know that, in all likelihood, this would
     never have happened, so in that respect I guess it's
     out of character, but I hope I haven't done too badly
     in other respects.  Leonard Betts post ep.

Dedication: For Shoshana, for making me think.


Breakdown (1/1)  by Diadem

It wasn't the dream that woke her.  In fact, she could hardly
remember the dream, only a few distorted images clung to
her memory as she struggled towards consciousness.  And
yet she did not want to wake, she wanted to sleep...
     Suddenly her body was wracked with a violent coughing
fit.  Maybe that was what had woken her.  Resigned, she
reached for the lamp switch.

     Fox Mulder lay on his couch, remote control in hand,
flicking through the many channels offering late night
programming.  The insomniac's nightmare, he thought to
himself.  Bad sci-fi, bad comedy, bad chat shows.  Sighing
he left the television on standby and took to staring at the
ceiling.
     It had been a bad case, and he was worried about his
partner.  He didn't know why, but this case seemed to have
affected her in a way he couldn't fathom.  Sure, it had been
grisly, and had had more than its fair share of blood and
guts, and yet she had had no qualms about diving up to her
arm pits into a pile of body parts.  He still felt a nauseous
just thinking about it.
     She had been fine with it all.  Hell, she had even come
up with a rational explanation for a blinking head.  Electrical
impulses?  Whatever it was, it would sure have had him freaked
out.
     And yet when he had arrived at the hospital she had been
uncharacteristically subdued, to the extent of leaving her
patient in the care of other doctors before she even knew
what was wrong.  He had tried to talk to her on the car
journey home, but  all she had offered was that she was tired
and wanted to go to bed.  Usually he would have come back
with some innuendo or another, but tonight something told him
that she really wouldn't want to hear it.
     A literal cancer man.  Scully herself had not admitted
it, but if he set out to prove every detail of every case to
her, no work would ever get done.  He grinned fleetingly at
the thought.
     His thoughts were interrupted by the shrill ringing of
his cell phone.  After a brief panic over where he had left
it, he located it half under the microwave.  That can't be
healthy, he reflected as he answered it.
     "Mulder."  There was no answer.  "Hello?"  he tried again.
"Is anyone..."
     "Mulder?"  Her voice was faint, little more than a whisper.
     "Scully?"  He replied.  "Yes, it's me.  Are you..."  He
was interrupted by a sniffle, followed by what he could have
sworn was a sob.  "Scully, are you OK?"  He was already reaching
for a t shirt as he asked.  "What's the matter - do you need
help?"
     Maybe he was going too far, but he couldn't help it.  It
was so rare that his partner let her emotions show, he knew
something must have caused her to crack.  "Is it your mom?
Scully, talk to me."
     He was nearly frantic.  No sound had come through for
several seconds.  Then he heard another sniffle.  "Scully?"
     "I... I'm still here Mulder.  Can... can you come over?"
     "Of course I can."  He didn't think to question her
request.  It was so unlike her to ask for any kind of support,
he knew she must be desperate.  "Are you hurt, Scully?  Do I
need to call paramedics?"
     There was silence once again, then "No.  Just... just
you."
     "OK."  Somehow he had managed to dress himself during
their stilted conversation.  "I'll be right over.  Hold on,
OK?"
     He answer was barely there.  "OK."

     He wasn't sure how many traffic laws he broke in his
hurry to get to Scully's apartment, but it must have been
into double figures.  He had briefly considered stopping to
pick up some coffee, but that would only have added precious
minutes to his journey time, and anyway, he reasoned, Scully
had a coffee pot.
     After what felt like an eternity he pulled his car into
the no-parking zone right in front of her building.  He had
to force himself to slow down long enough to lock the doors
and take a deep breath.  The last thing she would need was
for him to be flustered.
     He realised, too late, that the front door to the
building was locked.  Pulling his keys from his pocket he
sought out Scully's key and sent up a brief prayer to a God
he wasn't even sure he believed in.
     It fitted.  It turned.  He was in.
     Well of course it fits, he told himself.  It's the key
to her apartment, isn't it?
     He took the stairs at a run, and only when he finally
reached her door did he allow himself to pause for a moment.
For the first time since her phone call he thought to look
at his watch.  2.36.  Why on earth would she be calling at
two in the morning?  Deciding it would be better not to judge,
he raised his hand and knocked softly on the door.
     During their four years of working together, he had
honestly thought that he had seen her in just about every
state she could possibly be in.  He had every Scully-look
he had ever witnessed carefully catalogued in his mind.  And
yet when she opened her door he was shocked.
     His first thought was how small she looked.  Despite
her height, he had never thought of her as a small person.
And yet the top of her head barely reached his chin.  Her
thick terry cloth robe fell to her ankles, and she had wrapped
herself in an even thicker blanket.  She seemed so vulnerable.
Her face was red and blotchy, her eyes swollen from crying,
and as she looked up at him he could see the tears begin to
well again.  She was shivering violently.
     He did the only thing he could.  Stepping inside the
apartment he shut the door quietly behind him and wrapped
his arms around her tightly.  And his heart broke as he
heard her sobbing start again.
     He stood holding her and rubbing her back gently until
the tears began to subside.  When she had started sniffling
again he handed her a tissue, and gently led her through to
her living room.  Once he had got her settled he prepared to
sit down next to her, but found two round, shiny black eyes
staring up at him.  Puzzled, he held the bear up questioningly.
     "Magic Bear."  She whispered, pulling the blanket more
securely around her shoulders.  This accomplished, she reached
out for the bear, took him from Mulder, and held him tightly
against her chest.  She took a deep breath.
     "When I was little, I didn't really fit in at school."
She stared at Mulder with huge, trusting eyes.  He reached
out and took one of her hands in both of his.  His anxiety
was almost killing him, and yet he knew that Scully would
have to tell him what was wrong in her own way, or she would
feel more uncomfortable and vulnerable than she already was.
Damn his psychology training.  Holding on to his hand as though
it were the only thing keeping her alive, she continued.
     "We moved about a lot, as you know.  We were never in
one place for long.  The longest was two years, when I was
seven.  Because I knew we wouldn't be stopping long, I never
bothered to make friends.  But it was about that time that
Charlie was born, so Missy and Bill didn't want anything to
do with me.  They wanted to help with the baby, but I was too
young."  She lowered her gaze to the bear.
     "So I was all alone, and at school I was teased about
my hair, and about my family.  They called me a gypsy, and
everyone was terrified I would put a curse on them.  And one
lunch time my teacher found me crying under the stairs.  I
told her a little of what was going on, and she called my
mom.  I don't blame my mom.  She had a new baby and two other
kids to look after on her own.  She sat me down, and had a
talk with me, about life not being fair, and all that.  And
she gave me Magic Bear, and told me that if I was sad or upset,
I would feel much better if I hugged him."
     She choked back a sob.  "It always worked until now."
     "Scully."  He squeezed her hand.  "I want to help, but
you have to tell me what's wrong."  He smoothed her wild hair
back from her face.  "Dana?"  It was only when he needed to
catch her attention that he used her first name, and she knew
that.  "Let me help you."
     He watched as she raised her head once again, her eyes
puffy and weary.  She seemed almost surprised to see him
there.  "Is it the case?"
     She shook her head then stopped, as if re-thinking.  She
seemed so tired.  "I guess..."
     "Tell me."  He urged her softly.
     "Betts..."  She trailed off.  "He attacked me in the
ambulance."
     "I know.  Did he hurt you?  Do you need to go to the
hospital?"  He didn't know what else to ask, what else he
could do.
     "Yes."  She whispered.
     "Come on then."  He stood, and began to lift her when she
stopped him.
     "I don't need to go yet, Mulder.  I'll make an appointment.
He told me I had something he needed.  I have cancer, Mulder.  I
had a nosebleed, and I didn't know what to do, so I called you."
     He laid her gently back on the couch.  Of all things, he
had not expected this.  Something inside him began to ache.
     "Scully, it could have been just a nosebleed.  You don't
know that he..."
     "I do."  She insisted, struggling to sit up.  "That's
just it, I know.  I just know."
     "He was just trying to scare you..."
     "No."  She grasped his arm, and he sat gingerly on the
edge of the couch.  "He wasn't.  You said it yourself, he
needed the cancer to live.  He was simply trying to stay
alive."
     He didn't know how to respond.  His partner, his sensible,
down to earth, practical partner was basing her medical
assessment of her state of health on a gut feeling.  And
instead of rejoicing at her new-found open mindedness, he
was grieving.
     "Oh, Scully."  He pushed his hands under her blanket and
held her close.  She shuffled backwards, making room for him
to lie down beside her.  He didn't hesitate to oblige.
     "I'm scared, Mulder."  He barely heard her as she buried
her face in the front of his shirt.  "I'm so scared."
     "Shhhh."  What else could he say?  Here he was, doing
nothing, while she could very well be dying in his arms.  He
felt so... inadequate.  If she were really dying...
     "We learned all about cancer in med school."  She paused.
"They brought in cadavers that had been sufferers.  The one I
worked on was a caucasian female, aged twenty eight.  She had
been diagnosed just a year earlier, and had had parts of her
body removed, one after the other, trying to combat the
disease.  In the end she just didn't have enough left to keep
herself alive.  I never really thought about her until now."
She pulled her face away from his chest.  "And I don't want
to end up like her."
     He was almost expecting more tears, but her eyes were
dry as she stared up at him.  "She must have been so brave.
I don't think I could..."  She stumbled over the words,
searching for the right thing to say.
     "Of course you could."  She tried to lower her head once
more, but he caught her chin and held her gaze.  "Scully, you
are the strongest person I know.  We'll fight this together,
OK?  I'm going to be here for you, whenever you need me, and
I'm not leaving until you feel OK about me doing so."
     He had thought she had run out of tears, but a couple
managed to escape her eyes as she bit her lip and stared at
him.
     "I mean it."  He continued.  "I'm staying right here,
until you are ready to move, and then I'll go with you.  I
swear, I'll be right here, until..."  What could he say?
"Until you're feeling completely better."
     "And then you'll go away?"
     Where had she learned to look at people in that way?
How could he deny her anything?
     "Not if you don't want me to."
     "Will you come to the hospital with me?"  She turned
her gaze away, as though awaiting a rejection.
     He tightened his hold on her.  "Of course.  Tomorrow."
     She yawned, and wrapped her arms around his waist.
"Tomorrow." She murmured.
     She was drifting, he knew.  But he had to say it, make
sure she knew.
     "Scully?"  He whispered.
     "Hmmm?"
     "Whatever you need, you can ask me, you know that?"
     "I know.  Thank you."
     "You're welcome.  You sleep now."
     "I'm still scared, Mulder."
     The ache inside him grew a little.  "I know."
     "I'm not sure I can sleep."
     "Try.  We'll work everything out tomorrow."  He could only
hope that it could be worked out.
     She yawned again, but held back sleep long enough to ask,
"Together?"  His answer required no conscious thought.
     "Always."

End (1/1)

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