From: X-Phan Date: Sat, 27 Jul 2002 12:35:17 -0700 (PDT) Subject: New Story "Brownies" by X-Phan Source: direct TITLE: "BROWNIES" BY: X-Phan E-MAIL ADDRESS: xphan1013@yahoo.com RATING: NC-17 for sex and drug use, so if that offends you gouge out your eyes before continuing. CLASSIFICATION: SR, H, Story/Romance, Humor TIMEFRAME/SPOILER WARNING: As always, set before the last 2 seasons, during the "status quo" time before "the baby", Doggett, Mulder's abduction etc... but no serious spoilers. KEYWORDS: MSR SUMMARY: Alternate Universe. Revenge is a dish best served high. ARCHIVE INFO: Can be archived anywhere as long as my name, address and disclaimer stay intact. FEEDBACK: Please email me with any comments, reviews, constructive criticism, etc... INSPIRATION: Truly sorry for stealing this premise from somewhere. Minus ten points for unoriginality DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and the characters of Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Broadcasting, and are used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended, no profit will be gained. ETERNAL THANKS: to Jessica my great beta screener and a true fan. ___________________________________________________________ The X-Files: "Brownies" by X-Phan *********************** "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry" - Shakespeare *********************** 7:23 PM outside apartment of Dana Scully The preparation for carrying out Mulder's evil plot was expensive, time consuming, and kind of illegal, but at the very least, it was thorough. A man has his limits. She should have known not to push him; she went too far and now she had to pay. He checked his pockets one last time to make sure everything was there. Mini tape recorder, check, camera, check, temporary tattoo, check, and of course the linchpin of his plan, a pan of brownies, that's a check, poor Scully wouldn't know what hit her. In his weaker moments, Mulder almost called the whole thing off, but then he thought about what had driven him to this. He had only been teasing her, as a harmless joke one morning; he got up early and hid all her panties. Sure she arrived at the office a little pissed about not having on any underwear, but the look on her face was priceless and as practical jokes go it was completely benign. No one ever knew Special Agent Scully was going commando, so no harm done. Instead of teasing him back, she had to go and do something mean. A few days later, Mulder was getting dressed after a shower at the gym, his mind was still on the basketball game he had just played and he didn't noticed anything unusual until one of the guys from the other team chuckled and asked him if he noticed a draft. Mulder looked up, then down, then swore. She had cut the crotch out of his favorite boxers and put them in his gym bag so this very thing would happen. That's why she had been smiling as he left. He still couldn't look those guys in the face. That's why he was standing at her door today with probably the most expensive special order rub-on tattoo in the history of mankind, some marijuana laced double-fudge brownies, and the recording equipment he would need to make sure she never forgot this night. He was going to make sure she was flying high, then get that tattoo on her butt and take a picture. He could later blow it up, have it framed, make wallet-sized copies and threaten to show them to the Gunmen, anything he wanted. He would have her in the palm of his hand and get the final laugh in their little practical joke war. When she forgave him, and he was fairly certain she someday would, they could look back on this day, flip through the pictures, listen to the tape and have a good laugh. He knocked on the door and hit the record button on the tape player before slipping it into his pocket. She opened the door unaware of her impending doom. "Hey Mulder, come in. What's this?" "A little something for your sweet-tooth. I found this recipe I hadn't used in ages and decided to try it out." This was all true. "I know how women love chocolate, so thought I'd make some brownies for you." "How sweet, I didn't know you cooked." "Just brownies" "Mmmm, they smell delicious. I bet the secret ingredient was love." Mulder grinned. "Something like that. Here, have all you want, they're for you." "I shouldn't have too many, they're pure sugar." "Not to worry, you'll get plenty of exercise tonight." He leered. "So I'm already a sure thing huh." "Yep, in the bag... or on the kitchen table, whichever you prefer." "Brownies first, then sex." "Of course." He took off his shoes and jacket after she took the tray from him and they went to sit down in the living room. He had already sliced the brownies into large pieces so she could start in on them right away. "Mmmph, they are good, Mulder, and sweet, I need something to drink to wash them down." "No problem, I'll be right back." He found what he was looking for in her fridge, grabbed some glassed, and returned to the couch. "Wine Mulder?" "Why not? "Okay but just a little, I haven't eaten dinner yet and I wouldn't want to get tipsy." "I wouldn't worry about that." He smirked at the thought of how easy this was going to be. Mulder figured there was no harm in enjoying a few brownies with her as long as she ate most of them. The pan was empty twenty minutes later along with three quarters of the bottle of wine. They abandoned desert after licking each other's fingers clean and necked on the couch for a while. "Mulder," she whispered in his ear while busy licking it. "I think I'm drunk... and I only had uh... a few glasses of wine." "Not drunk," he snickered, "stoned Scully, you're stoned." "Huh" "I think we both are. Oops I guess I forgot, I was supposed to stop eating them. You're right they were good. Oh well." "We are what?" "High Scully, from the marijuana in the brownies." She gasped. "But Mulder, that's illeeeeeeegal. We're FIB agents, ha ha fib, I mean F-I-B, I mean... What do I mean?" "I don't know, but you sure are sexy when you spell stuff." Mulder went back to kissing her neck. "Oh yeah, I remember, oh that feels good... drugs, Mulder, are illegal. They'll throw us in jail." "Who?" "The feds" "I thought that was us?" "Oh yeah, I forgot. Why d'ja do it, ya know, put stuff in the brownies?" "Cuz, you cut a hole in my underwear and they all laughed at me and it was mean." Scully began laughing hysterically at the memory, "Oh yeah that was sooooo funny, I got you back for stealin' my panties." "It was still mean, but I'll forgive you if you take off your shirt." "Deal, I love it when you kiss my breasts. I don't want you to ever stop, unless you want to kiss me... down there, I like that too even if the Bible says it's wrong and we both go to hell." "I don't believe in hell." "Oooo, maybe it's okay then." They wrestled her shirt and bra off. "Oh yes, touch me." He dove face first into her soft breasts. "Squeeze them, please." She pulled at his shirt but couldn't get it over his head unless he stopped sucking on her breasts, which was something he was unwilling to do. "I guess you found out my secret, I get sooooo horny when I'm stoned and it's been sooooo long. In college this guy gave me my first joint and I swear I had to lock the bathroom door and get myself off, I couldn't help it." "Good to know." He broke away for half a second to rip his shirt off and quickly lay back down on top of her. They kissed wildly missing more than half the time, but enjoying themselves anyway. Scully got her pants and panties to her knees but couldn't reach any further to take them off. Mulder helped her pull them off the rest of the way. "Hurry up and do me now." "Uh huh." He was grinding against her through his pants. He knew they had to come off at some point; Mulder just couldn't concentrate on anything other than touching her beautiful body. He had gone back to her breast and was happy to stay there all day. Scully was getting restless and was trying to take care of herself when her hand found what she very badly wanted inside her. Without his assistance it took some effort on her part but she managed to free his erection from his pants by unzipping the fly. His trousers were still on but it was good enough for the moment. She grabbed his cock and guided it inside her at which point Mulder knew what to do from there. It's a good thing she was used to this because he immediately buried himself right to the hilt, eliciting grunts of approval from both. From there it was a race to the finish line with no time to stop and appreciate the foliage. "Scully, Scully, Scully..." he whispered her name in her ear over and over and she knew what it meant. She felt the same. There weren't words to describe how each felt to the other, but they had to say something or explode trying to keep it in. She wrapped her legs around his waist to better receive each thrust and return it. "Yes, yes, faster... oooohhhh Mud-ler almost there." He was beyond speech and resumed grunting. Scully moaned long and deep as she felt the waves approaching and finally screamed as her orgasm crashed over her again and again. Her convulsions further spurred Mulder on. Thrusting into her one last time, he bellowed as he came inside her. As least the neighbors considered it a bellow and didn't call the police again now that they knew it was only the FBI agents having sex. Scully was trying to catch her breath when a very drained Mulder collapsed on top of her. "Mmmmpph, hey roll over... crushing me." "Sorry," he braced himself on his elbows and leaned on the back of the couch. "Wow Scully... wow" "Uh huh." "Did you call me Mud-ler?" "MUD-ler," she giggled, "Special Agent MUDLER," then she really laughed. "Don't... (laughing) don't tell Mulder I let you screw me or he'll kill you, okay Mudler." She was then hysterical once more. "It's not that funny." "Yeah huh... MUD-ler." He rested his head on her shoulder and was about to fall asleep when Scully shook him. "Hey no, don't go-ta sleep, let's-do-somethin'-I'm-wired-n- still-horny." The last thing he remembered was grunting something so she would leave him alone. Mulder regained consciousness some time later with a terrible headache, and awful taste in his mouth, and the left side of his face hurt from lying on what he realized was the floor of Scully's bedroom. He then heard again what woke him up in the first place- an awfully loud screech. The kind women make in bad horror movies. Getting up off the floor to investigate the sound coming from the bathroom, Mulder couldn't remember why he was dressed and had his coat on or why there was a set of keys clutched in his hand. He reached the bathroom and found the source of the noise was a mostly naked redhead with bloodshot eyes that appeared to be filled with murderous rage. Looking in the bathroom mirror in front of which she stood, he discovered the source of her displeasure. It was a good-sized tattoo, located right on her posterior that read simply: MULDER'S LOVEMUFFIN. He grinned from ear to ear in amusement, thinking it was worth every penny and hoping he remembered to take that picture seeing as how she didn't look to be in a generous mood. "YOU... you did this. I'm going to kill you." One more second of savoring the moment and it was time to retreat to the bedroom. He barely got the door closed before she slammed into it at full speed. "MULDER, let me in NOW (bang) you're going to die." (bang) "Scully calm down, it's okay, it's fake. It's just one of those rub-on tattoos. No harm done." "If it's fake then why does my ass hurt so much?" "I bought it to play a practical joke on you. Look I probably still have the paper it came on here somewhere." He searched his pockets and felt it. "I found it." Pulling it out, he looked at the paper. "Oh shit." "Oh shit? What the hell does that mean?" The tattoo of course was still on the paper, mocking him. Somehow "Mulder's Lovemuffin" wasn't as funny as it had been just seconds ago. Probably because of all the pain he was in for when she got a hold of the other piece of paper in his pocket, which about the size and shape of a credit card receipt perhaps from one of the finer tattoo parlors in the D.C. area. The End ___________________________________________________________ Done. Hope you found it a least a little funny. If you liked it and have comments or ideas for my next story, send them to xphan1013@yahoo.com.