From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: 10 Apr 2001 22:27:07 -0000 Subject: BUYING INTO LIFE by Ewa Source: direct Reply To: ewa@whatewa.com TITLE: BUYING INTO LIFE AUTHOR: Ewa E-mail: ewa@whatewa.com RATING: G CATEGORY: V SPOILER: Three Words KEYWORDS: M/S A, SUMMARY: Mulder tries to come to terms with his life. DISCLAIMER: Any characters you recognize belong to Mr. Carter & Co. Rule of thumb, if you recognize it, there's a good chance it isn't mine. Doesn't stop me messing with them though, purely for the fun of it of course, monetary gain has never been an issue here. The lyrics of 'I Will Remember You' are by Sarah McLachlan, Seamus Egan and Dave Merenda. ARCHIVES: You mean, I don't have to pay? Let me know where it's gone please! AUTHOR'S NOTES: At the end Feedback please! ewa@whatewa.com Visit me and read my other x-phile stories at http://www.whatewa.com 04.10.01 BUYING INTO LIFE I She's stepped into my bedroom to sort out some stuff, leaving me alone with my thoughts; the gurgle of the fish tank and the soft sound of the radio for company. Such a change from the bleeping of the monitors. My apartment, my living room, my couch. Mine yet different. The place smells so different to what I remember, looks different too. She's certainly fulfilled her ambition to clean this place up, and then some, but the changes have made the place strange to me. Why should my return have made me into something other than I've always been, a misfit? Before, I let myself be lulled into a certain sense of security. Now I can see with fresh eyes. I can appreciate my position in the scheme of things. Why have I always been such an ass-hole? The first thing I feel, smell, see is *her*, Scully. The image of whom has kept me from surrendering my spirit for so very long. What do I say to her, 'Hi Scully', Long time no see Scully', 'I love you Scully'? No, I exceed all expectation even by my own standards. I greeted her with 'Who are you?'. And yet even with that, there was a link between us, the old times were still there binding us together. I, as usual, in my own inimitable style, let the moment pass, and in doing so have let myself become further and further estranged. From her, from everything. Nothing fits, even down to my boxers, nothing is as it was. I feel unsure of where I stand. Outside the seasons have moved on, inside, so have the people. I have changed, I am well again. That dreaded word crops up again, 'Fine'. Well I'm not fine, I never have been. Scully's not fine either. The world around me doesn't feel fine. I feel bewildered, left out, left behind by all the events that have taken place in my absence. I have missed nearly three seasons of my life, of Scully's life and more importantly of our life together. Something else I've missed-the child. When she asked me to help in the IVF treatment, I went along with it, not so much because I thought it was the best idea, but for Scully. If she asked me for the moon I'd try to get it for her. Scully is pregnant. It's taken me a while to get my head around that thought. No, not through to IVF, I know that didn't work. The icy fingers of doubt creep in and clutch at my heart. Who is the father? Could she have replaced me so soon? She doesn't seem to want to discuss the child with me. Can anyone blame me for how I feel? Inside of me I feel there is a battle royal taking place, my paranoia versus logic. Who knows which one of those will win the day, and I feel a victim of these passionate thoughts. The way she touches her swollen belly, with love with tenderness. I *do* feel truly happy for her, but the selfish bastard in me wants so much for that child to be his, to be ours. What I'd give for the child moving in her to be mine. I know how hard she worked to try to find me. I believed her when she told me how hard she prayed at nights, that her prayers were answered. I wanted her to have been praying for me too, not just for a child. Her relationship with the people around her has changed in the eight months I've been away. It used to be her and me. We were invincible together; now the balance has changed. She has learned to live without me. Skinner, the Gunmen her co-worker Doggett, they are her mainstays, her support now. What about me? A child-like voice in my head pleads for reassurance. That was a bigger shock to me. Realizing that he was her partner. Logic tells me it wasn't her choice. Paranoia makes me feel betrayed, like a husband catching his wife in the arms of her lover. What right have I to feel this way? I've regained my life, but sitting here I feel it slipping away through my fingers, the hope draining away, soaking into the parched earth to be no more. I don't want the X-Files if it is without her. I don't want the life. I told her I don't know where I fit in right now. The truth is I don't know if I ever will. What does *she* want? What does *she* need? Does she even need me at all, seems to be I'm no longer important in her life. I'm such a lame klutz. When it comes to words to emotions the words grow thorns I my throat and stick there. I just can't seem to get them out. I drop my head into my hands and become aware of the words of the song that is playing softly in the background. " I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories Remember the good times that we had? I let them slip away from us when things got bad How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories" But I can't help myself, the emotions I held dammed up for so long come bubbling up like a brook, and with them tears slip through the fingers I hid my face in. I don't want to listen yet I can't stop. "I'm so tired but I can't sleep Standin' on the edge of something much too deep It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard But I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories." Scully, Scully I need you so much. If you don't want me, what shall I do? I want you, I want the child to be mine, but I'm so afraid; for it, for me, for us. I can't stop the tears, I can't seem to contain the sobbing, gulping sounds I make, as I fight to gain control. "I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light." I feel your presence by me, but I'm too ashamed to look up, to scared at what I might see in your eyes. "And I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories." You take my hand away from my face and hold it between yours for a moment, I still won't look up at you. Then you place my hand on the top of your hard belly, and gently hold my hand there so it can't escape. I have no choice, I must look into your eyes. What I see there totally throws me. You are just as frightened as I am, just as unsure. And then I feel the baby kick. FIN Am I that much out? I'd love to know. Drop me a line and tell me. ewa@whatewa.com AUTHOR'S NOTES: I hasten to add that I've not seen anything of Season 8 yet. This piece is pure conjecture, from one or two spoilers and from what I've read of other authors. Sarah McLachlan's word made me think a little. Maybe, given a chance they will work it out.