From: "Jessica Romano" Date: Sun, 22 Oct 2000 19:57:39 -0700 Subject: submit-By Moonlight Source: direct By Moonlight Sara Jessica SaraJ1013@hotmail.com Rating: PG I guess, there's nothing too bad in here Category: VRA Spoilers: You definitely need to see Requiem, and seeing All Things would help too Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance Summary: Scully watches the night sky. Disclaimer: Okay, they're not mine, I know. I just decided to borrow them for a little while. Anyone you recognize from the show belongs to the great Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, yadda, yadda...Don't worry I wont hurt them. ;) The poem is by Alfred Noyes, i think, but I didn't write it...I found it in this children's collection of poems book, and thought it might work here. Distribution: Go right ahead, just let me know where it's going. Author's Note: Okay, so I have to send out a big fat thank you to my good friend Nicole, who's constant pestering finally got me to post this thing. This is not my first fanfic, I am actually working on a series, but I haven't gotten up the courage to post that yet. It's gonna take a lot more pestering. :) Feedback: Sure, send it my way...but remember this is my first posting, so please be kind. Constructive criticism is welcome. Send to SaraJ1013@hotmail.com ~~~~ I take comfort in the darkness as it surrounds me, seeping in to take over as the last of the sun's rays dwindle behind the trees. The sky has turned from baby blue to a hazy purple-pink to a darker, silver- blue to black since I ventured out to where I sit in my mother's backyard, my head tilted back as I watched the display with a fascination and a yearning that I cannot explain. The night air has a chill to it but I don't notice. My mind and my heart are somewhere else and I am unaware of anything. Tonight, I surround myself with the stars. That is where he is, I cannot deny it, so I will turn to them as I would turn to him, hoping somehow my meditation will bring us closer to each other. But I find that my twinkling orbs provide little solace. They are not his hands, his arms wrapping around my smaller frame to chase away the cool night air. They are not his hazel eyes, looking down at me with so much passion and love that it took my breath away. I want nothing more than to feel his arms around me, alleviating all my fears with his simple touch. And to see his eyes and be reassured, because even though he would know my fears and share them, only he could give me the hope I crave. I tilt my head to the side some, my mind turning to contemplate the glittering dots. He was out there, my heart could feel it, but where? Which ball of light was he? The infinite possibilities made my heart ache and my head spin. If only I had the power to search them all I would. So many times he had traveled to the ends of this earth for me, but I find now I cannot return the gesture. Where he had been taken, I could not follow, though I have the heart and mind to do it if I could. I may not be able to hop from star to star in body, but his heart is mine and mine his, so I will reach out to him each night. The bond we share is stronger than time and space, and somehow I will bring him home. I must bring him home. I do not notice the tears as they slip quietly down my cheeks, but my stars grow hazy to my eyes and I have to close them, enveloping myself further into the black abyss. My eyes don't open again until I hear my mother's soft voice call to me. "Dana? Dana, honey, maybe you should come inside now. It's getting rather chilly out here." She is concerned. Her voice and her face show it. But I am finding it difficult to leave my chair. Out here, I can be near him. Out here, I can feel him close. But as I slowly become aware of my surroundings again, I know I must comply. I need to stay strong in every way. And I do it for him, for myself, and for the new miracle I have been given. His gift to me, although he doesn't know it. I refuse to think that it will be the last. I rise from my chair, giving my glimmers of light one final, reflective glance, and I find myself smiling the smallest of smiles. Mulder will know, when I find him or when he finds me, he will know. ~~ ~~ I left my mother's house after the first few days since my release from the hospital. I knew I would find myself here, at his apartment. The feel of this place, being so totally surrounded by him, hurts and heals in the most powerful way. I need to be here. I need to cling to this. I move slowly in to his living room, shedding my coat and suit jacket. They move to rest on the back of his desk chair, my purse joins them a moment later. The sky is changing once again to its sunset purple-pink as I curl up on his black leather couch. The leather is soft and worn from the years of use and it smells slightly of his shampoo and cologne. I breathe in that familiar scent, closing my eyes and wrapping myself up in the memory of him. This is the first time I have been here since he disappeared. And this is where we said goodbye, sitting right here on this couch... I drove him back to his apartment after he told me that he was going back to Oregon without me. I had hoped that I might be able to change his mind. It didn't feel right, him going without me. I knew Skinner was going too, but that didn't help with all my fears. Mulder told me that he had to go to his apartment for a few things, so I drove him. So I sat on his couch while he packed the things he needed. It didn't take long, Mulder and I always have small travel bags packed for impromptu trips like this. He came out of his bedroom and our eyes met for what was probably the first time since the bureau hallway. And deep down we both knew, we both had that same uneasy feeling about this trip. Our eyes told the other so many things in a matter of seconds. But as I opened my mouth to say something, anything, I found that my voice had suddenly left me. There were too many things I wanted to say, thoughts were rushing through my mind. Krycek gave us this information. Krycek could be setting us up. Trust no one. god, why am I feeling dizzy again. what if something happens to him and I'm not there. I tore my eyes away from his. I couldn't find the words. I didn't need the words. Mulder dropped his bag and came to my side. His hands circled my waist and shoulders, crushing me to him. I could feel our hearts beating rapidly and could swear that they seemed to meld into one synchronous pulse. We sunk down onto the couch, still holding each other. Mulder rested his forehead against mine, a movement that has become something of an intimate gesture between us. I knew he was trying to form words, but I spoke first. "Please let me come with you," I asked in hushed tones. Mulder shook his head against mine. "It's too risky. Even if it wasn't for the evidence that they're taking abductees...You haven't been well and you know it." I sighed. I wanted nothing more than to ask him to stay, to wait until we had more information before leaving. But I knew I couldn't. I knew that this was a one-shot deal. But my anxiety over this trip was so strong, I couldn't explain it. I knew I couldn't ask him to back down, but I briefly wondered if he would. I settled for revealing my strongest fear. "But what if we're wrong?" I felt rather than saw Mulder smile. "Hey, I'll have Skinner with me, won't I? If the aliens see him, they'll be too scared to do anything to hurt us." I tried to laugh at his attempted joke, but it came out more like a choked sob. What the hell was wrong with me anyway? "I just don't like that I won't be there to watch your back." "No one watches it better than you, Scully," Mulder whispered. "Well then here," I start, letting him go long enough to reach behind me and unclasp my gold cross. I move to re-clasp it at the back of his neck. "You take this with you...that way you know that I am with you. And it always finds its way back to me," I finish, locking my eyes with his. "You'll find your way back to me," floated unspoken between us. Mulder nods his understanding. "We have to get back," he said sadly. I nodded; he had a plane to catch after all. We reluctantly pulled away from each other and left the apartment... That was our goodbye. We got back to Skinner's office just as he did and they left for the airport, leaving me and the Lone Gunmen behind. I sit on his couch alone now, thinking about how terrified I was once I found out that Mulder was the one in danger. That the uneasy feeling we'd both felt was actually justified. Later, Frohike had told me he tried to get a hold of Mulder or Skinner but it was too late. Now, in his apartment, I look to the window behind the cluttered desk and see that my stars have come out to play again. I suddenly feel very weary, drained almost. I tried to sleep at my mother's, but kept waking throughout the night. The same went for my own apartment. I came here tonight thinking I might have better luck. I pull myself off the couch and move into his bedroom doorway, pausing a moment there. My thoughts drift again, this time to the first time we made love, the only time in fact. I hadn't meant to fall asleep, but I did anyway and Mulder simply covered me with his afghan and went to get ready for bed himself. I don't think I was asleep for long, because when I woke and went to find him, he was in his bathroom brushing his teeth. I waited for him to finish and started to tell him thank you and that I should probably go, but he grabbed my hand and asked me to stay. I started to protest, of course, but he went on to say that it was too late, that I must be tired if I fell asleep in the middle of a conversation and on and on. But he didn't get to finish because somewhere in the middle of his excuses we had moved closer to each other. I can't say what came over me at that moment, but to answer him I brought my index finger to his lips, effectively silencing him with my soft touch. Then I moved my hand away and pulled his lips to mine. Of course I stayed, leaving early the next morning because I had to get back to my apartment and get ready for work. I feel a smile again and thank God that I can remember these things without a terrible pain coming over me. But with the smile comes an ache tugging at my chest. Though it doesn't yet hurt to remember, the memory is bittersweet like so many other things I have experienced lately. I go through his clothes to find something more comfortable to wear to sleep and pull out one of his tee shirts. Shedding my own clothes I slip the cotton fabric over my head, smiling as I see the shirt almost comes to my knees. I move to the bed and slip between the cool sheets, wrapping myself in a Mulder-cocoon. I am about to turn off the bedside light when I notice a folded slip of paper on the nightstand, "Scully" written in Mulder's script. Curious, I sit up in the bed, propping myself against the pillows and reach for the note. My hands are shaking as I unfold the small slip of paper and read what he has written there. "One kiss, my bonny sweetheart, I'm after a prize tonight, But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light; Yet, if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day, Then look for me by moonlight, Watch for me by moonlight, I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way." All my love to you always, Mulder I clutch the paper to my chest and my eyes close. The first of many tears form and slide down my face. My shoulders start to shake and I curse those who did this to us, I curse him and his damn curiosity, and I curse myself for not putting my foot down and going with him. I might have been able to save him, if I got through it without fainting. I finally let myself experience the pain I've felt these last days. I cry for us, I cry for our child, and I cry because we knew this would happen and we let it. We knew when we said goodbye to each other that he wouldn't be back in a few days. We let the feelings pass because we both thought we were being ridiculous. "We were wrong, Mulder," I say to the empty room. Drying my eyes, I turn to his note, his promise to me, and start to feel something akin to hope. I look to the stars out his bedroom window and send out a kiss, praying that it will reach him, and knowing he will keep his promise. And just as he disappeared into the night, so shall he reappear, bathed in the silvery white only the moonlight and all my little stars can bring. THE END