From: "Alan Wing" Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 10:21:36 -0500 Hello again. You all know the drill, join in and sing along. "We don't own them, wish we did." "C.C. and his merry bunch at 1013 always did." "I'm just borrowing them, for today." "I'll give them back straight away." Seriously folks, no infringement intended, just the musings of a sick mind at work. I have so little, just a computer and an overactive imagination. Please don't sue me.... I just saw "Wetwired", for the second time. My musings came up with this little ditty. Come on, we all *know* Scully, she don't do losing control. The show to me was not quite finished, so I finished it the way us 'shippers would have liked it. Sorry, C.C., I know you are GOD, but even you could stand to use a little improvement. If you would like to come over and like to discuss this, I am willing to share with you my thoughts. We could sit down for a cup of tea, and I'll even break out the fine china for you... Noromos, beware there be dragons here. Feedback greatly appreciated, flames will be used against you in a court of law... Please send to me at aljoyw@a-znet.com Classification : RSVA "Catch You When You Fall." by Joylynn A. Wing Summary: Sometimes we all need someone to be there when we fall. Rated G MSR Angst UST Mulder stood outside Scully's door, leaning his head against the hard, light wood of the door. He knew that Scully had been having a hard time of it these last few days. She had been here, in her self imposed exile since she had been released from the hospital after her treatment for her mind control induced psychosis. Mulder understood what happened. It was not her fault; the device enhances one's greatest anxieties and multiplies them enough to become a psychosis. Even when she had her Sig trained on him ready to fire in her paranoia, he still believed in her enough that he stayed there to try to help her. When Skinner told him she had taken a few days leave, Mulder knew that it would be for the best. Scully, in her mind, he knew felt utterly humiliated. She had faced her greatest fear, which was losing control and had lost. Scully lived for her self control using it to protect her inner self, like castle walls. When she lost it, he knew she wanted her space, alone.<>he thought to himself. Having seen it a couple of times before in the past, it was just another intriguing facet to her personality. Mulder went about his business in her absence, preparing for the next case awaiting her return. Then Skinner approached him from left field saying she had E-Mailed him with her resignation. No explanations or excuses offered. Without discussing her plans with anyone. Skinner had sat on the resignation, giving him time to sort this out with her. Mulder knew he couldn't continue the quest without her. He had grown to depend on her way too much. She was like the air he breathed. She filled him... Sustained him... She was his better half, the one who kept him honest, the one who made him whole. When ever he had been at his lowest, she had been there, to give him the strength he needed to rise above and soar. They complemented each other, a skeptic, and a believer. He had grown to love and cherish her beyond reason, beyond all comprehension. Mulder also had grown to know that overtime, his physical attraction to her, her elegant beauty which charmed and inflamed him, << but was never acted upon>>, had turned to a more spiritual love, a true love that could link two souls together for an eternity. But he also knew he could never be with her. If life were only that simple. First, the bureau had unwritten rules about personal relationships between partners. They were trained to depend on one another, to protect each other. The relationship sometimes becoming closer than lovers, yet the line was expected to not be crossed. Personal involvement would cause to many potential complications, putting everyone at risk. Secondly, he would never risk her like that. Admitting his strong emotions for her would put her in the line of fire, by those who would do anything necessary to stop him and his quest. They would take her away again, and he knew he just couldn't live without her again. The memories of her abduction haunting him even to this day. Thirdly, she would never have him. She had never shown any interest in anyway other than close friendship. <> He thought to himself. He would never risk it without her making the first move. She was beautiful, sexy and intelligent.<< Why would she choose a loser like me.>> So he stood there out of his tremendous love and respect for her. He knew she needed him to be there, to be strong for her when she was at her lowest. This was the very least he could do for the woman that he loved. Yet he knew if she ever showed anything more than a passing interest he would throw it all away for one chance to be with her completely. She had been the truth in the darkness he had been searching for all of this time. He knocked quietly on the door and all he could hear some music playing quietly in the background. He listened closer at the door and couldn't hear any movement. Mulder knocked louder, speaking in a firm voice, "Scully, open up it's me." Again only silence answered him. He took his keys, and pulled out the one he knew to be hers, and unlocked the door. Mulder pushed it open saying "Scully, I'm coming in." He looked around. Her apartment was how he remembered it. The comforting presence engulfing him like a soft blanket. The soft pastels and classic elegance which was very reflective of his Scully made him feel like he was at home. However Scully's distress was evident even with her belongings. Her apartment was scattered with dirty dishes and discarded clothing. She was a neat freak to the extreme, so this was evidence of her unusual state of mind. Even the blinds were still closed, letting only small fingers of light in to dance in the darkness. Mulder could hear soft breathing coming from the bedroom so he walked over and pushed the slightly ajar door further open. Scully lay, sideways on the bed. Her glowing mane of auburn hair, spilling gracefully over the edge. Her arm lay gently over the foot of the bed. Her face was turned away from him, but he could see was breathing regularly, slowly as if a deep sleep. She wore a white t-shirt and a old faded pair of blue jeans. He noticed an empty bottle of wine, and a half full glass lying next to her on the floor. Mulder knew she never drank, so this did not look good. He came over to her, sitting opposite her face, her face was pale and drawn. Her freckles were bright splashes of gold upon her skin. Her lips were pursed slightly, her perfect white teeth barely visible. Mulder knew he should probably leave, respect her privacy. But in his conscience he knew he should be there when she awoke. He tenderly placed a stray strand of hair which had fallen across her face, back behind her ear. He had seen her do this simple act before more times than he could possibly count, but each time it happened it endeared her to him more. Mulder stood up and leaned over and brushed a gentle kiss across her hair. He wished he could take away the pain she obviously felt. He wished he could make her happy and safe for the rest of her life. He also knew he couldn't. So he left her quietly and shut the door behind him, and set out to wait for her to wake up for him. ******************************************************************** From the moment Scully consciously realized what she had done, she knew she could never face him again. Sure it wasn't entirely her fault, but she knew she had failed him. She did come in to finish the report that Skinner had requested, but she never made eye contact with Mulder. Her embarrassment even punishing her from seeing him for the very last time. She had lost control. She had done the fundamentally worst thing she could have ever done. She had broken her own cardinal rule. From her earliest memories, she remembered being lonely and confused. The military life required them moving quite often, and also caused long absences of her father. Because of these reasons, she had problems making and keeping significant relationships beyond her family. When ever she would have to move and leave her friends, her heart will break all over again. This was made even harder because she was a painfully shy, insecure child. Sure she was intelligent, talented and athletic. But she was insecure over her looks due to the ridicule and scorn of others. She kept herself closed up inside ,the way her father taught her. Her own pain causing things to be much worse. Over time, those walls of self control she had erected to protect herself, kept her safe. Unfortunately, she was also never happy, her tremendous loneliness eating away inside of her. Even after she had become a beautiful woman, the attention that was paid to her was mostly ignored. Her own low self esteem caused her to be suspect of everyone. Her pursuit of perfection, was driven out of her belief that she was never truly the equal of others. She drove herself to distraction. She ended up driving herself away from everyone. Her life was the picture of success. She was the top of class at med school. She was the first pick for residencies. However she had given it all up for the Bureau. Law enforcement had always fascinated her, so when approached with a chance to work as a forensic pathologist with them, she jumped at it. Her self control continued to help her to succeed well. The boy's club had been hard to conquer, but her tough, no-nonsense attitude brought her far. Until, she met him. Mulder was her ultimate undoing. From the moment she had met him, she had lost her heart to him. At that moment when she walked into the office, seeing him sit there with those glasses, she had fallen hard. She had heard his reputation as a profiler, so she respected him immensely before then. However it was his boyish good looks, sense of humor, and breathtaking smile did her in. However, it was his eyes, that was her undoing, in the end. Those changeable hazel eyes hinted at such passionate depths, that she couldn't help but to succumb. He was the part of her she had been looking for. He gave her faith and trust, something she had not received from anyone before. From that moment when he told her he trusted no one but her, she knew that she had found her soulmate. Intellectually, he was challenging to her, her equal in every sense of the word. His constant leaps to conclusions kept her on her game. His childlike faith in his quest, gave her courage to believe, to once again open up to that most human side of her soul. The most important thing about him which she loved the most was that he accepted her without question. He allowed her to be herself. Occasionally when her castle walls would crumble and fall, even if for only a moment, he would be there to catch her, no questions asked. This last case however tested had her resolve and her self control. She ended up failing miserably. Worst of all she had failed him, something she could never live with. She hadn't been unable to control the images and feelings that were controlling her every thought. She lost the ability to trust the only person who she had ever really trusted, the only one she would ever really love. She knew that she could never face him again. Her utter disappointment in herself, in her weakness, had caused her to seek refuge from the person who she loved and respected most in the world. She had spent the last few days drinking, trying to forget the memories which her mind kept replaying for her. Wandering aimlessly around her apartment, trying to just work through the emotions without losing it all together. ****************************************************************** Mulder finished up the dishes, putting it in the drainboard. He had spent the last few hours, picking up her apartment, knowing she would be upset in her right frame of mind if she saw it. Mulder heard out of his peripheral hearing, a small whimper, so small it was like a tiny breeze caressing his face. He left the kitchen, and walked up to her bedroom door. He pushed it open gently, listening to the soft moans and cries that emitted from his partner. She now lay on the edge of the bed, near the foot, curled up into the fetal position. Her hands were so tightly clenched her knuckles were white. Her pale face was contorted, displaying evident pain as she lay there and whimpered. Mulder came over and knelt beside her, touching a long slender hand to her shoulder. "Scully wake up it's me." Suddenly, her bright blue eyes opened up hazy and dilated, trying to focus. "Mulder?" she said meekly, as if drained of all of her life's energy. "I'm here." He said quietly. She raised up on her shoulder, swaying a little, her equilibrium off balance. "I'm so sorry," she said huskily, tears threatening to spill from her azure blue eyes. Mulder sat down and scooped her up in his arms, holding her gently, protectively as he had done once in the past. She began to cry softly, her body shaking from her erratic breathing. Mulder stroked her auburn hair, rocking her gently till her tears ceased. Scully looked up at him, her full lower lip quivering from release, and said haltingly, " I'm sorry, I couldn't fight it, I tried but it was so strong. I'm sorry I let you down." Mulder smiled sweetly, his perfect white teeth gleaming in the faint light. As he stroked her tears away from her face with his hand, he said quietly "I know you did. You always try to be strong, but you don't need to. Not for me any way. I will accept you for who you are, you are so wonderful, beautiful, smart, and strong. How couldn't I? We can always count on each other for being there when we fall. I will be there to catch you when you fall, believe in this and believe in me. Believe in..." he took a deep breath, <>, he thought to himself," My love for you." "Love?", She said incredulously. "Love", reiterated strongly. "I love you. You can be so provoking at times, yet you are always willing to listen and to care. You are always there for me no matter what. You are the very breath of my soul... You are the breeze under me so I can soar... You are everything to me. You are more than I ever hoped for. You are far more than I deserve. I love you, for who you are and who you are to become." Scully began to cry again, tears flowing freely down her face. She touched his cheek gently as she spoke. Blue eyes meeting hazel, "Mulder, I don't know what to say. You are the most wonderful man I have ever met. I can be me, without having pretense. You trust me implicitly... You complement me... It feels like I have known you forever, yet I hardy know you personally. " She took a deep breath, and said hesitantly, "I love you too. It is hard for me to feel this way, to feel these feelings let alone face them. I have spent my life running from how I feel, afraid of being hurt. When I held my gun on you the other day, when I lost it, I almost lost you. You who are the most important thing in my life... My weakness nearly destroyed you, the very person who gives me the purpose to continue living. I can't ever lose you... I would die..." Mulder took her hand in his and held it gently. "Dana, none of us is perfect, hell , some of us are far from it. I will never judge you for being human, I love that part and everything else about you. You will never lose me willingly that I can promise. Sometimes, we all fall, but I will be here to catch you, so trust in that." Scully nodded and smiled brightly, she spoke in a whisper, "I will be here for you also Fox, always." They sat there, holding each other close, sharing the same space in time. Words, like walls are limiting in nature, they compartmentalize our emotions. Sometimes words are just not necessarily enough, actions are. .