From: Lindiwe Ngwevela Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 19:54:28 -0700 (PDT) Subject: Caught in a Lite High 02 Source: direct Caught In a Lite High II Author: Lindi Rating: PG (as usual) Spoilers: Emily Keywords: Angst, angst and Mulder/Scully Friendship Summary: This time, Scully is doing heroin and Skinner and Mulder are concerned about her. Disclaimer: These people, yeah, not mine. Archive: Okay, just please put my name on it and of course, tell me. Feedback: Always welcome. Lindi_Ngw21@yahoo.com Author note: Well this is the second of the series and I'm quite proud of it. If it sucks, please tell me. I really wanted to call this story "Living in Detroit" because I call heroin "The Detroit". Author Warning: Drugs, steer clear if you don't like that. Helping Dana Dana enters the office in her usual gloomy mood. She carries her briefcase as if it weighs fifty pounds and her posture, as a result, has become slack. The usual bags under her eyes have become more and more pronounced over the weeks and she has become more and more tired. She doesn't seem so enthusiastic about anything anymore (not she was so giddy about her life to begin with). Mulder notices her utter lack of awareness as she enters the room and puts her things down before sitting. "Hey Scully. Earth to Scully." He waves his hands in front of her, trying to bring her back. "Scully." She suddenly snaps out of her trance. "What?" "Good morning to you too." He sardonically says. She doesn't say anything. "Bad day already?" "Mulder, everyday is a bad day if I have to wake up before noon." "True enough. But there's something else. Scully, are you feeling all right?" He asks, cocky his head to take a good look at her. "Mulder, we've been through this a million times, nothing is wrong with me." "That's what you always say." "I'm really fine, Mulder. Don't worry about me." She says while running her hands in his silky hair. "Seriously." "If you say so." He moves to his respective desk and starts to work on the computer. He looks over a Scully who is wearing her pantsuit. "Scully, how can you stand this heat? Why don't you take of your jacket?" He offers. "No, I felt a little cold today so... I just want to keep it on." She replies. "If you say so." He says to that. The day drags on as it usually does and the only words exchanged by Mulder and Scully are of work and cases. Mulder knows that Scully would hate it if he was to bring up the same issue again, but he really wants Scully to talk to him about what's bothering her. "Okay Mulder, I'm outta here." "That's very unusual, it's only 6:30 and you're already going? Even more unusual, you're leaving before me." "Really funny." She says, picking up her briefcase. "Well it's true, you have been working an awful lot lately." "Mulder, go home. Work is over." She says, while brushing past him, leaving her scent in the air. "I think I'll just stay here for a few more minutes." He replies. "Do you want me to stay with you?" She asks. 'Yes'. He thinks. "No, go home. Get some rest." He says, restraining himself. "I'll see you tomorrow, then." She walks out of the room, not even looking back as she leaves. Mulder watches her then whole time, until the door is closed and he can feel her slip further and further away. "Scully." he sighs. ---------------------------------------------------------------- The next morning, Scully is unusually cheery. She comes into the office, practically skipping in. "Good morning, Mulder!" She flashes him a white, blinding smile. "My god! That is obscene, Scully." "What? I just said good morning." "This is definitely a long way from yesterday's Scully. Why the sudden mood change?" "I switched medications." She says casually. "Are you serious?" His mouth is wide enough to catch flies in. "Of course not. I was just kidding. I just feel better today, that's all." "Well, I'm glad you feel better." He says. "Because," He whips out two long pieces of paper from the drawer. "For tomorrow, I have two tickets to New York, new case." "I can't." She says. She says, sitting down on the chair. "What do you mean, you can't? You have to, it's...." "Mulder, I said, I can't." "Scully, whatever plans you've made, you're going to have to break them, this is F.B.I business." "I'm not going, Mulder." "Fine, then I'll handle the case myself." He throws the one ticket in her direction. It lands right on her lap. "But if you change your mind." He turns back to his work and acts as though she's not even there. She stares down at the ticket on her lap and then at Mulder, who is concentrating on something else. She lets out a silent and guilty sigh. --------------------------------------------------------------- The next day is a Saturday. Scully is at the super market looking for soup or crackers, anything that can make her feel better. She feels like shit. As she pushes the cart, she finds herself leaning on it every now and then, using it as support as she loses strength in her legs. There are random items in the cart that she doesn't remember getting, or ever needing. 'I must me pretty disoriented.' She thinks. The colors of the content of the aisle are spinning around her and the people are suddenly looking at her. Everything suddenly goes black. Dana awakes to the darkness that is a hospital room. 'It must me night time'. She calculates from the lack of lighting. She lifts her arms up, trying to grasp the sides of the bed to sit up. Her elbows shake and she can't even push herself forward and she just falls back on the pillow. 'Where's Mulder?' She keeps asking herself until she realizes, 'he's gone'. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Mulder walks into Scully's apartment eight days later. The place is neat (as usual) and dim. Scully is sleeping on the couch, snoring slightly. Her body is in an unusual position and she looks very uncomfortable. He comes up to her and puts his hand on her forehead, feeling her temperature. Hot to the touch. She stirs a bit at his touch and moans. "Scully. Wake up." He says to her. "Mulder?" She put her hand in front of her face, shielding herself from the light. "Scully, what are you doing here?" She collects herself enough to put together a coherent sentence. "What do you mean, what am I doing here? I live here." "I mean, here on the couch. Why aren't you in bed?" He asks. "Mulder, if I want to sleep on my couch, I will sleep on the couch." She says, sounding a bit inebriated. "Scully, are you drunk? Have you been drinking?" "Why are you in my apartment? It's 2:00 in the morning." "I just got in from New York on Friday. I heard what happened to you in the supermarket. Just wanted to come by and see how you were doing." "Mulder will you excuse me for a minute?" She stands from the sofa and walks into her bedroom. "Scul..." She enters the bedroom, locking the door, and runs to the dressing table, pulling out a big clear, glass tube and a syringe. She grabs a large rubber band, like the ones in hospital blood banks, and ties it hard around one of her arms. She takes the syringe and sticks it into the rubber top of the bottle and sucks out a clear liquid. She takes a deep breath of anticipation as she stares at the full needle. With eyes closed, she sinks the cold metal into her skin, taking in the sensation. All of the liquid goes inside her and relief has taken over her whole body. She stands up and goes into the bathroom where she runs some cool water over her face. She feels so much better now. "Hey Mulder." She cheerily says while shutting her bedroom door behind her. "Hi." He seems a bit confused. "So, what was it you wanted to talk about?" "You. I wanted to talk about you." He says. "What about me?" "I heard you passed out in the supermarket the day after I left. What's that all about?" "I hadn't eaten the whole day and I got a little lightheaded." "A little lightheaded." He repeats, almost being sarcastic. "Is that what you wanted to know?" She asks. "I kind of have to be somewhere." "Scully, can I ask you a question?" "What is it?" "How come you couldn't go to New York with me?" "I had things to take care of." She relies. "Like....?" "That, Mulder, is not of your concern." "Scully, Skinner came to me the other day. He said he was concerned that you were....." "What? That I was what?" "He thinks that you may be doing drugs." "Mulder, that's absurd." She says calmly, like when she blows off his ludicrous theories. "That what I first thought. I mean Scully, doing drugs, no way. But then I thought about it...." "Mulder, you can't be serious!" "It would explain a lot." He says. "So, what does Skinner want to do now? Did he ask you to talk to me?" "No. He wants to do a drug test. I tried to talk him out of it." He tries to explain. "Mulder, get out." "Scully..." "Get the hell out of my house." She demands. "Scully, I came here to try to help you. I wanted to clear this whole thing up for you, so the Skinner wouldn't....." "Just go." "Fine." He stands from the couch and looks at Scully one more time. He turns his back to her and walks to the door, never looking back. Scully watches him as her opens the door and walks out, shutting it softly behind him. Tears suddenly take her over. Feeling as though he is gone forever, her whole body trembles at the thought of having lost him. Anger takes over and she is no longer in control of her actions as she tears the contents of her coffee table to the floor. "AHHHHHH!" She screams out as tears come pouring ferociously out of her eyes. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Mulder walks into the office and stops dead in his tracks when he sees Scully. "Scully. How long have you been here?" He looks at his watch. It reads 9:00. "A couple of hours." "Oh. Why?" "I couldn't sleep, so I came down here at about six." She replies, showing little emotion in her face and her voice. Suddenly, the phone rings and Scully picks it up quickly, feeling relieved to pry away from Mulder for a minute. "We'll be right there." She replies to the voice on the other side. 'Must be Skinner.' Mulder thinks. "Oh. Ok." She hangs up. "Was that Skinner?" "He wants to talk to me." She gets herself collected before leaving. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Skinner sits staring at Scully for a moment. She is tense and speechless, looking down to the ground. "Agent Scully. I have reason to believe that I should be concerned about you." "Why is that?" Scully tries to be as casual as possible. "Scully, you've pulled more overtime that anyone I've ever known. You come in early and you go home late. It's not healthy." "With all do respect, why should that worry you?" Scully asks. "Agent Scully, I'm sure Mulder has already told you. I'm worried about something else that may be the source if this." "Yes, he has told me and you, sir, are gravely mistaken." "Well, only the test results can prove that." "You can't make me do this." She says, almost pugnaciously. "Actually I can. And I will." His face is stern as usual but Scully is turning red, and fast. "Dismissed." The elevator ride back to the basement office is horrendous. Scully, being the control-freak she is, tries to compose herself as much as she can. It gets harder to breathe as she is suffocated by her own thoughts. She is trapped inside them. She enters the basement office short of breath, but not so obviously. Her face is still the ashamed crimson color from before but a new and intense feeling of betrayal has arisen inside her. 'How could he do that to me?' She keeps thinking to herself as she ignores an obviously curious Mulder. "Scully? Hello?" He watches her paces up and down the tiny office space. "WHAT!?" "What's eating you?" He asks, twirling a pencil around his lips. "Skinner is making me do the drug test." "Well, what I see is he's concerned about you." "I might lose my job over this." "If you have nothing to hide, if you're clean, then you shouldn't worry should you?" "What if...." She can't bring herself to say those selfish words. "What if what, Scully?" "What if I'm not clean, Mulder?" "What are you trying to tell me?" "I'm saying that...." She takes a deep and loud sigh of collection. "I haven't exactly been completely honest with you." "Scully, are you telling me that you have been..." He can't say it either. She takes her jacket off and rolls up the sleeves of her sweater. "Oh god, Scully!" Mulder is shocked by the sight before him. Scully's eyes start to tears. "Why?" "Mulder, please, don't tell A.D. Skinner." "He's gonna know from the...." "No, he won't." "Scully, what are you saying?" "Mulder, just don't tell him. Please." "I don't know a thing. But Scully..." "Mulder." And he is silenced. ---------------------------------------------------------------- On her couch, Dana sits shaking. She's been trying to get the drug out of her system for the past 5 days. But unlike others, it won't just pop out in a matter of hours or even days. She's had about eight cups of coffee, trying to keep herself alert and awake... and distracted. The phone rings, the sound emerging seemingly from above. "Hello?" "Scully." "Mulder?" "Skinner just called me. He wants you at the office ASAP." "You've got to be kidding. It's 10:00 pm." She sounds tired and weak. "I know but that's what he said. He also said that he's been trying your cell phone all day but you wouldn't answer." "Whatever, I'm coming." She replies half-heartedly and drops the phone before another word is said. Dana is still shaking, even though the heat in her car is turned up. 'Driving is a bitch when you're shaking like this'. She turns on the radio in hopes of distracting herself. Nothing interesting is playing. Some crap by Britney Spears, some Bob Marley, and some deranged rapper on that Hip Hop station. Rush Limbaugh is bitching about immigrants for the umpteenth time. But she leaves it there, at least she has something to listen to for a while. She stops at a 7-eleven to get some un-necessaries. Gum, granola bars, orange juice and a pack of cigarettes. She doesn't smoke but hey, she's done worse. She just needs a distraction while she works the heroin out of her system. She sits in front of the wheel, only breathing. She doesn't know what else to do. Skinner is expecting her, Mulder will probably be there as well, "moral support" or something. She lights a cigarette and exhales, coughing. She inhales again, trying to get herself used to the feeling. Of course it's uncomfortable, but she forces herself again and again, bent on adjusting to this new and very invasive sensation. 'It's gonna be a long night.' She exhales. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Mulder and Skinner stand in the office, waiting. Mulder is pacing with his hands held behind his back and the A.D. is sitting on his chair witling away at his thumbs. "Where the hell is she!?" "I really don't know. She said she was coming." "She better get here soon, or I'm going to have to suspend her." "She'll be here, Sir." "She's an hour late!" Skinner's face turns into a slight crimson color. There is silence in the room, Mulder doesn't know what to say. About ten seconds into the silence, Scully comes in, freezing at the sight of Mulder and her boss. "Sir, you wanted to see me?" She says, acting like it business as usual. "Yes. Agent Scully, this is concerning, well I'm sure what it concerns." "I have a pretty good idea." She replies. Mulder stands and watches this dialogue unfold before him. He's too afraid to speak. Afraid that if he spoke, something bad would happen. "Then I'm sure you know why Agent Mulder is here as well." "No, I don't." "He's your witness, Scully. We're here to talk to you about something that has been bothering me," He looks to Mulder. "Us for a while now." Scully looks to Mulder. She wants to say something to him, but she can't, not in front of Skinner. She whips him that what-have-you-told-him look instead. "What could that be? Other than the fact that you think I'm on drugs." "Scully, don't take it the wrong way..." "What other way can I take it?" She indignantly replies. Mulder steps up and speaks. "Look, personally, I believe you." She knows he's lying. "But we have reason to believe that you may be in danger." A man with a white little case and latex gloves enters the room. "Agent Scully...." "Scully, just please cooperate." Mulder cuts Skinner off. She gives him another look, a betrayed look. "Please." She settles on a chair and the man with the gloves sits directly in front of her. "Please roll up your sleeves." He says. "Does this have to be here?" She asks. Mulder instantly remembers the scars and bruises on her arms before seeing them. "We can leave the room." He says, looking over at Skinner as a signal. The two men subtly watch her as they leave the room, but Dana's eyes are on Mulder, never leaving him until he is gone. "Mulder, there's something you're not telling me and I'm going to get it out of you one way or another." Skinner says threateningly. "What are you talking about, I know just as much as you do!" "Mulder, if I find out that you're lying to me, so help me God, you'll never work here again!" Mulder has never seen Skinner like this. His face is a deep and frightening crimson and veins are visibly bulging from his neck and forehead. He takes a second to breathe and regain composure. "Look, I'm just concerned here. I'm your boss, Mulder. I'm supposed to make sure my agents aren't doing things like this. I care about Scully." "I do too, you know." "I know." The silence hangs over the two of them for a minute. Mulder is standing against the wall with his back plastered to it, while Skinner paces, hands in pockets and eyes to the floor. A man walks out of the office, case at hand. "Ok, I'll have the results in to you by tomorrow." He says, before walking away. Mulder rushes into the office to see Scully, upset and shaking in her chair. He crouches to her level and embraces her. "God Mulder, it was horrible. I am horrible." "Scully, that's not true." Just then, Skinner walks in to find the two wrapped in each other's arms. He clears his throat and they break the hug. "Agent Scully, you are allowed to go home now." She stands up and smoothes her sweater out. "Get some rest." She starts walking to the door and Mulder follows behind her, his hand automatically reaching to the small of her back. Skinner watches the two as they exit, they don't look back at him, or even utter a word. When he realizes that they're not coming back, he drops himself back onto his chair. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "What did you tell him, Mulder?" She starts before they are out of the building. "Nothing, I said nothing." "Good." She says, whipping car keys out of her pocket. "Scully, what going on here!?" He raises his arms in the air. "Why aren't you telling me anything?" "I told you all you need to know." She replies, opening the car door and getting inside. "Scully! You're lying to me." "I've never lied to you." "That's BS and you know it. You lie to me all the time." He opens the door as well. "Scully, please tell me what going on." His tone changes from indignant to a plea. "Mulder, close the door." She says, swallowing hard as she avoids eye contact with her partner. Mulder gets inside the car and closes the door. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what happening to you. Scully, why are you doing this to yourself?" "Mulder, don't you notice anything different about me?" She sounds like an upset teenager. "Your personality has changed so much, I don't know who you are anymore. You're working late all the time, you manic, you're exhausted, Scully." "You know, when Emily died, I thought I could never know what it's like to have that feeling. To be needed, to love someone whole-heartedly. Then I remembered that I had you. But then you started going off and doing things by yourself and I felt like I wasn't needed, like I was useless..." "Scully, you know that's not true." He says. "Isn't it!?" She sobs. "Mulder, I've completely lost whatever respect I had for myself." "I haven't lost respect for you, Scully." "How come? What's so respectable about me now? I'm a drug-addict!" "Scully, you can get help." "I don't want help!!" She hits the steering wheel hard with her fist. She recomposes herself for a moment enough to be able to think clearly. "Mulder, just, please get out of my car." He continues to look at her for a moment and then opens the door ad gets out of the car, not saying a word in the process. He shuts the door and just walks, never looking back. 'Mulder, please come back.' ---------------------------------------------------------------- Scully lies on her sofa as the rain falls, the unrecognizable rhythm beating on the windows. She keeps closing her eyes, and hears a knocking at the door, only to realize that it's only her imagination. There is no one there. Mulder is not there. ---------------------------------------------------------------- He closes his eyes a final time and as if one second has passed, opens them again, only to find himself elsewhere. The light is blinding and deafening drilling sounds from above. "Scully!!" He shouts, unable to find his partner. "Scully!" "Mulder!" He hears her voice, faint from a distance. "Mulder!" He follows the familiar sounds and finally sees a glowing figure, suspended in the air, arms spread wide. He runs to it. "Scully!" It's her. Her face is so full of anguish and her body is so small, he just wants to hold her and save her and take away all the suffering in her world. He runs and stops in his tracks to marvel at her. She is in the air with her arms apart. Her chin is down and her hair falls in her face ever so gracefully. She looks like a Jesus of some kind. His jaw drops as he falls to his knees at the image. Her scars are in her soul, her grief, on her shoulders. Her hair is on fire while her eyes stay frigid and frozen. "Mulder, please do not abandon me." She cries softly. "I'll never leave you, Scully. I'd never leave you." He keeps chanting over and over until he realizes he has returned to the land that he had left before. 'Scully' He thinks to himself. 'Why did this have to happen to you?' He already misses her. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Scully is in her bedroom, going through all of the things in her closet, packing. She has a duffel-bag lying opened on her bed as she neatly places clothes inside it. She can't take her mind off of Mulder. "Damn it!" She subtly screams through gritted teeth. She feels an intrusive yet familiar sensation in her face, the one that means she is about to cry, but she refuses to let herself do that. She cannot cry. She knows that what she is doing is something that must be done. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Mulder walks into the office early in the morning, hoping to beat Scully there. Well, he's succeeded at that. She's not there. However, when he looks at his desk, he sees a small piece of paper lying there. He picks it up, anticipating the worst, and reads it. "Mulder, You and I both know what is happening to me, and it is a truth that neither you or I can deny, and asking you to do so would be selfish of me. I can no longer hide from what I have done and it is now clear to me what I must do. Mulder, I am not running from you or from myself, for I know that would be a cowardly thing to do. I know that risking my career, my life and my friendship with you would be foolish and so I have decided to at least try to repair the damage that has been done. What I have done to you, Mulder, was corrupt and all I can do now is to ask for your forgiveness. I know now that not only have I hurt myself, but I have hurt you. I don't want to hurt you, Mulder. The last thing I can ever forgive myself for is hurting a person that I love and respect as much as you. So, to make up for that, I'm taking your advice. I'm going away, Mulder. I'm getting help. Nothing will ever be the same after this, but at least we can learn to put back together the pieces of our broken friendship. I've lied to you too many times and I understand that it is time for this behavior to end. It should never have begun in the first place. Please accept my deepest apologies. Love, Dana" He doesn't know what to think. He takes a deep breath and slowly releases it as he hears the phone ring. A part of him wants it to be Scully, thought he knows, realistically, it's not. He picks it up put it to his ear. "Mulder." "Mulder, this is Skinner. Get yourself up here right now, and bring Scully with you!" "Uh, Sir...." And he realizes the he is not there. He runs up to Skinner office and his assistant lets him in. "Where's Scully?" Is the first thing Skinner says at Mulder's arrival. "Scully....She's" He doesn't quite know what to say. "What's happened to her, Mulder?" "Scully, isn't gonna be coming back to work for a while, Sir." There is silence in the air as Mulder tries to find something to say. "Well!?" "She's gone, Sir." "Gone where?" "To get help." Skinner throws a piece of paper in Mulder's direction and it lands right on the edge of his desk. "These are the test results." He says. "I know." "So, you knew all along." Skinner says. "She showed me her scars, but she never said anything. And last night, she told me everything." "I see." He leans back on his chair. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Dana looks up and sees herself surrounded by a dozen other men and women. They're all sitting in folding chairs, some pale, some more cheerful. "So, Dana, tell us about yourself." Says a middle aged woman with curly blonde hair, her name is Abby. "I don't really have much to say." She replies, gripping her sleeves with her fingers. "I'm sure you can find something." "I'm not really big on sitting down and discussing my life or emotions or anything." She sounds more like Mulder. "I understand." Says the woman. "You know." A young man speaks up. "I felt the same way when I came here. I never wanted to talk or do anything. I'd sit in my room all day and read." "What changed, David?" Abby asks. "I decided to get real. I thought, 'If I'm gonna spend a whole two months here, might as well make something of it.' When I started having that mentality, things got a lot better." "Yeah, but it ain't that easy for all of us." Says a skinny hag-looking woman. "I've been here for a month already and it's getting kinda old." "But you have to remember, Pamela, that you ended up here because of a court order. You didn't even want to come. Some of the people here came by choice." "Did you come here by choice, Dana." Asks a middle aged man named Doug. "Yes." "What made you want to get help?" Asks Abby. "I didn't want to hurt people anymore. I was putting my career on the line, I was wasting my money, it was driving me nuts. So just decided to run away, come here." "Run away?" Asks mousy little redhead, Michelle. "Yes." "Why run away? Was it like a secret or something?" Doug speaks up once again. "Not anymore. My boss got suspicious and he made me take a drug test." "And it tested positive." Abby finishes. "Yes." ---------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Journal, This is a highly unusual situation for me. I've seen hospitals, orphanages, and mental institutions and yet a rehab center is too much for me to bear. My body hurts in the most remarkable ways and I am sure to lose my mind. I miss Mulder. I wish he was here to help me go through this, but I know that I cannot involve him in all of this. I wonder, what does he think of me now? Once a strong and smart woman, now a weak, heroin-junkie. How the mighty have fallen indeed. I don't know how I'm going to make it out alive. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Three Months Later Mulder walks into his apartment after a long and lonely day at the office. He takes off his shoes and leaves them right there on the spot, loosens his tie and removes his jacket, throwing it on the couch along with his briefcase. He goes into the bedroom plops himself onto the bed, not moving for a minute. He can't stop thinking about Scully. Where she could be, how she's feeling. He wants to see her so badly. He turns himself to face upward and takes long deep breaths. Just then, there's a knock at the door. 'Must be Skinner.' He figures. He opens the door and freezes. "Scully." "Mulder. Could I come in?" "Of course." He opens a path for her to come through. She walks inside and stands in the middle of the floor, waiting for something to be said. "So..." The awkwardness is killing them both. "How are you....feeling I mean?" "I missed you." She says. "I missed you too." He comes at her and they share the longest embrace ever known. "Mulder, it's over. I promise you, it's over." She says into his chest. "I know." They share the silence as they continue their endless embrace, making it somehow last forever.