From: Laura Bontrager Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1998 13:28:04 -0500 (CDT) Subject: Choosing (1/1) SPOILER FOR BEGINNINGS Title: Choosing Author: RocketMan Email: >lebontrager@harding.edu< Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe is intended. SPOILER:::::X-Files Premier US6:::::::::::The End, FTF Summary: MS Angst, X,S, -- Mulder and Scully find out the exact cost of their lack of trust in each other, as the events CC alluded to in the Premier, come to a raging finale. ~~~~ Choosing ~~~~ The Very End - Mulder ~~~~ I shake my head and watch her eye me, her body poised for some final betrayal. I want to make it right again. She shivers and pulls back into the shadows of her apartment, her head bowing as if praying for divine guidance. ~~~~ The Beginning - Mulder ~~~~ I had forgotten all the lessons Antarctica had taught me in the brief space of a few months. There was Scully, alive and whole before me, and I was taking it for granted again, assuming that she'd always be there. She walked into the large room softly, no trace of concern on her features, but the worry residing permanently in her eyes. I watched her apporach me, the way her lips pursed, her fingers clenched into tight fists, and her eyes narrowed minutely. She was always on edge with me, unsure of her place. I was too blind to let her see how much I still, and always, needed her. She glanced over at me from the desk she now had, and rose to meet me in the space between. I pulled her aside, to a small corner of the huge work area, away from the noises and listening ears of the other agents. "Scully. I want you to come with me," I said, and glanced around quickly. "Mulder. . .what's going on?" "I'm going back to the reactor. Number Four. Gibson is in there." "Mulder!" she hissed at me, her face turning bright red. She's embarassed. Embarassed of *me.* "Mulder, we were told to have no more to do with the X-Files. They could *fire* you for this." I shook my head, frustrated with her stubborness. "Scully, I don't really care what they do to me. You said it before. Gibson is the key to the X-Files; he can give us *scientific* proof." "You weren't too interested in the scientific the other night, Mulder. As I recall, you left with Agent Fowley." Her words were acidic, biting into me. "I had the chance to get more proof, Scully. More than what we had already. Overwhelming evidence." "Yes, but Mulder, we had enough in our hands to keep the X-Files open. Instead, we lost everything." She looked at me hard, her eyes telling me the things she could not say, telling me that I was to blame for the X-Files being gone. I wanted to hurt her then, to hurt her as much as her eyes were ripping me apart. "We did have enough. But somehow, I looked up and there was Gibson, our sole piece of scientific proof, being dragged around by one of Them. You had Gibson, Scully. I trusted you with that. Otherwise I wouldn't have left." She stared at me, her face closing down, her eyes no longer saying anything to mine. "I would think you would help out here, Scully," I said frantically, needing her help in this. "Why is that?" she said icily, her posture stiff and uncompromising. I had lost. "You lost Gibson, I would have thought you'd be the first to try and get him back." I turned and fled from her, pushing aside her hands as they reached for me, and making it out of the room before she could see how much her desertion hurt. Of course, I hadn't been thinking at all how much I had hurt her. ~~~~ The Very End - Scully ~~~~ The words echo in my head like cannons erupting on the battle field. I lost Gibson. No. No, I don't think of him as a lab rat, not as someone else to exploit for our cause. Our cause. Not even really mine anymore. Mulder has taken it back from me. It's completely his, and not even his, at the same time. It's Spender's and Diana's. Both of theirs, and they won't ever let us have them back. I meant what I said. I can't go back to a normal job after the X-Files, I can't live a half life, where I know there are cruel forces at work out there, forces that have killed my sister, and almost killed me many times. But Mulder didn't choose me to continue on with him. I am not of the X-Files any longer. I fell for it once. I won't again. ~~~~ The Beginning - Scully ~~~~ There was a brief moment when I looked at him, saw his unwavering ferocity when confronted with such a hope as Gibson Praise, that I wanted to follow him anywhere. And then it was gone in the next instant. He inspired unfathomable trust in me, and yet was unwilling to take from those reserves, unwilling to allow it. I felt like a traitor simply by his touch, felt like a whore by his look. He made me into the enemy with one short phrase. You lost Gibson. I looked at him and wished it would all go away, wished this had never happened, wished we were back to the summer and its worries about bees and frostbite and an almost kiss. Bees, frostbite and an almost kiss were minor compared to no X-Files, no Mulder, and no trust. I didn't keep the truth from him, he ought to at least give me that. I told him about the DNA, about what that could mean to someone who believed the virus to be extra-terrestrial. And he turned on me for not trusting him. And then he left me. You lost Gibson. I lost Gibson. I lost the X-Files. ~~~~ The Middle - Mulder ~~~~ There is always that one instant that you can look back on and say definitely, 'I went wrong right there.' And then there is always the horrible rush of events and feelings where you can never, never know exactly where it was you went wrong. That's how it was. I went wrong, or we went wrong and I'm not even sure where that was, but I have the horrible feeling this is where *I* went wrong. "Fox?" I took her hand in mine and squeezed it tightly. "Thank you, Diana." She glanced behind her, to the empty office that used to be mine. "What for?" "Protecting the X-Files. I know that's what you were doing, and I wanted to let you know that I understand. If you hadn't pretended to catch me there, then the X-Files would be in the sole hands of Spender, and we all know how incapable he is." Her eyebrows furrowed and she squeezed my hand back, then smiled radiantly. "I'm glad you realized that." I should have known then what was going on, should have trusted Scully over Diana, Diana who had left me when it seemed the X-Files were getting too involved, Diana who had deserted me many times. Scully had never deserted me when it wasn't in my best interest. She had shot me, yes, and pulled me off a case, yes, but she thought, and rightly so, it was only for my benefit. I should have known, I so should have known. I've lost it all now. But that's ahead of the story. Diana was smiling and I was smiling and I was even thinking of kissing her, being so glad she was back, so glad I had someone who would listen to me and understand and believe. Most of all, believe. I told her about going back to the Reactor, about being certain that Gibson was in there, along with that alien beast, and I made her come along with me. I made my choice. I made *our* choice, and lost it all. ~~~~ The Middle - Scully ~~~~ When Mulder didn't call that night, I knew he had gone alone. Or, I thought he had gone alone. I was angry, maybe a bit sad too, but not all that hurt, because he *had* told me already, he had even asked for me to come along with him, but I hadn't. And so it was my fault that I sat alone in my apartment, worrying over him like a mother over her son. I decided to go to the Reactor this time, at least to keep him from getting caught again. When I drove up, it was silent and dark, the lights flickering like gas lamps from long ago, and I slipped from the seat with as much stealth as I could. No movement. The power plant had been opened again since the scare, but Reactor Room Number Four was still closed, officially. I knew that they'd still be using it though, shunting power through the cooling systems. They had to, in order to keep Arizona lit through the night. I found Mulder's car after some searching, cursed him for not being careful, and slithered under the fence in the hole Mulder had dug. The grass was wet with dew and it soaked through my shirt, making my skin damp and chilled. Seeing a guard circle around, I stopped and stayed very still in the tall grass by the fence, breathing roughly through my mouth. The man walked slowly and it took five minutes before I could start my search again, crawling through the grass and soaking the knees of my pants with mud and dew. The air smelled of rain, a cold fall rain that would almost freeze before it hit your face, and I wanted to get back in my car and turn up the heater. Something told me to keep going. An itch formed at the back of my neck, a sort of mental prodding that made my skin dance on edge and my nerves jump along the axons. Something was wrong with Mulder. He was going to get killed. I could even see it, as if the waving of the grass in the wind was parting before the falling body of my partner. I shivered and crept to the reactor. Just in time to hear gunshots. ~~~~ Running hurt, my lungs still not fully recovered since the virus, but I dodged through the grass and barreled into the reactor room, gun drawn and breath heaving. Only to be bludgeoned by a vague impression, towering over me as I fought to regain some sort of range of motion. I couldn't find my fingers anymore, couldn't place words in my mouth or strength to my muscles. I quivered, and prayed Mulder was alright. ~~~~ The Middle - Mulder ~~~~ Gibson was there, fevered and sweating, his hands and face swollen from dehydration, but he was alive. I turned to rejoice with Diana, but she was gone. And then I heard gunshots. I pulled Gibson into my arms, afraid a guard had mistaken Diana for something sinister, and ran off in the direction I thought escape might be, hissing loudly for Diana. I stopped short when I saw her. She was holding her gun by the barrel, the butt out and shiny with something that looked like blood or maybe dew, hands still trembling slightly from exertion. Scully was semi-conscious on the floor, eyes rolling and body shuddering as she attempted to move away. Her face turned toward mine and she saw me there, recognizing the boy gripped in my arms, and that she was in trouble. Diana turned to me, gun now steady, barrel pointing to the floor, eyes cold and cruel. "Sorry Fox, but I have to take Gibson now. If you come in with him, they'll know you were here, and you'll get in trouble." The smell of gas and heat tickled my throat and I shrugged off her soothing, cool voice. "Why'd you hit Scully?" Diana seemed shocked. "I didn't. I found her like this. I heard those gunshots and came in and she was on the floor." "Why were you standing over her like that then?" "Fox. I was checking to make sure she hadn't been shot." That thought made me panic and I rushed over to Scully, shoving Gibson into Diana's arms. "Diana, we have to get her to a hospital." "Mulder, we need to get Gibson to a hospital before that. You can't come in with us or they'll know you were here. You don't want to lose the X-Files completely do you?" Scully. Scully told me I lost the X-Files. "No. No. But Scully-" "She'll be okay. Let us go on ahead. You wait for fifteen minutes and then follow in Agent Scully's car. I'm sure she brought one out here." I couldn't think straight. This sounded right. But it didn't. I had to think of Gibson too. Gibson needed immediate attention. I suddenly stood, shaking my head. "No, no. If we have Gibson, it's okay. We'll have proof and they'll have to give us the X-Files back." Her face turned hard, her always gentle smile was all at once viscious and threatening. I fell back, tripping over Scully and hearing her groan. Diana shook her head and pulled Gibson tighter into her arms. "It's the best way, Fox. What if those gunshots was someone getting killed? If it's known you were here, you could be blamed for it, Fox." "Stop using my first name!" I said, rather foolishly and idiotically. Her hand came up, as if to help me, and a flash of bright white, then black filled my vision. I felt my body crumple over Scully's, felt her wheezing under me, her frantic motions to escape my weight, but I fell further into darkness. Further into nothing. ~~~~ Near the End - Mulder ~~~~ There was a hearing, looking into the matter of two deaths on the premises, guards shot just inside the reactor room where we were. Diana was accused and she named me as her alibi; I backed her up. Of course, there was that missing time where she wasn't there and then I heard the shots, but she found Scully at that time, right? I couldn't fit the times together straight in my head, and somehow I fell, fell right on Scully. Diana said I tripped over her, but I don't know. And Gibson. . .he was taken again, right from the hospital Diana told me. I believed her. Scully told a different version. Scully said she heard gunshots and came inside, and then was clubbed on the back of the head by Diana, but she couldn't say that for sure, and I corroborated Diana's account, so Scully's was dismissed. Scully had been acting rather jealous of Diana lately anyway, although I know she would never make up a story like that on purpose, her mind could have wanted to believe that. I was reprimanded for sixty days for blantantly disregarding the decisions of the OPR, and then Scully was also sentenced the same amount. They did not close down the X-Files because they agreed that a little boy's life was in serious jeopardy, and that my actions might have been warranted, since I took along Diana. Diana had to play it out like I wouldn't tell her where we were going, that I wouldn't tell her what I was thinking so that she wouldn't be found in the wrong. I understood. That's what had to be done to keep her on the X-Files. I needed someone on them who believed as I did. Scully didn't talk to me the entire time. She shot me cold looks as I gave my testimony, and when she gave hers, she kept looking at me as if I had betrayed her. But she was telling it as she thought she knew, so I couldn't be angry at her. I just wished she would realize her version of events was clouded by her jealousy, her own biases. After the last hearing, I caught up to her, grabbed her elbow to make her turn around. The wild look of pain and fear in her eyes made me yank my hand away. "Don't touch me," she hissed, and strode quickly down the hall. I stood there, stunned. ~~~~ Near the End - Scully ~~~~ He had turned. I could see it in his face as he gave his testimony. Testimony that made me look like a fool, made it look like I had rushed in without cause or heed and fallen to the floor after tripping over my own high heeled shoes. In fact, he even brought that up. "Sirs, Agent Scully also wears extremely high heeled shoes, which may have hampered her ability to run, even though, to date, I have not seen such an occurance." I felt humiliated. By my own partner, no less. I wanted to both kill him or cry. I didn't understand. I tried to tell him that it had been Diana that night, of that I had no doubt, but he wouldn't listen. He said I had been so out of it, so woozy, that there'd been no way I could have known. But I knew this. I had seen Diana raise the gun and slam it into Mulder's forehead, felt him fall on top of me and smother me. I had seen this, and even half conscious, there was no mistaking it. He didn't believe me. That's what hurt the most. He believed Diana over me. Diana because they used to be lovers, Diana because she believed in his ideas one hundred percent, without reservation. She goaded him on, and I held him back. He had only needed someone to be by his side; he hadn't needed me. The X-Files were gone to us. We'd never get our reputations back, never mind the X-Files. It was all ruined. I couldn't go back. I wouldn't fall for it this time. ~~~~ End - Mulder ~~~~ She quit. I can't believe it. When I found out, I drove over to her apartment as quickly as possible, taking the turns with tight speed, slipping on slick, rainy streets. She wasn't going to open the door at first, so I got out the key and turned it in the lock just as she opened the door. She stares at me now, shaking her head. "Scully." "Don't come near me." I stare at her for a moment, wishing this could be different. "Scully. Why'd you quit?" "We're not getting the X-Files back, Mulder. This is permanent. Maybe you've turned, maybe you've decided you'll be better off fighting for them instead of against them, but not me. I'm not letting them win. And this time, quitting is the only way *to* win." I grab her hands, sparking a tremor of fear in her. She quells it abruptly, but I still see it. "What? Are afraid of me?" I watch her with disgusted fascination. "You're one of them. You're helping them." "Scully." "I should never have trusted you, Mulder. How else would you have known where to find me in Antarctica? How else could-" "Scully, stop it. You can trust me. You can." "You've been one of them the entire time." "No! Scully, no!" Where the hell is this coming from? Have they posioned her water too? "Let go of me!" she shrieks, and darts to the living room, pulling her gun from the coffee table with frightening speed. "Scully. Scully. Calm down. I'm not one of them. I'm not. You can trust me. I trust you, Scully. You're the only one I trust." She has large alligator tears pooling in her eyes, but she refuses to cry. "You don't trust me. You don't. I told you about Diana, and you didn't believe me. You didn't trust me. She's against us, she set you up the first time in that Reactor Room and she did it again, but you won't listen to me, you won't believe me!" "Scully. Scully. I believe you, I do. You think you saw that, but-" "Mulder! Listen to yourself. You're working for them and you don't even know it!" I shake my head, inching towards her. She's gone crazy. . . She has no idea what's reality anymore. I have to get the gun, she's a danger to people. "Scully, put down the gun. Let me talk to you. Let me show you how it is." "Damnit! Don't come near me, Mulder. I'll shoot you. I swear it, I'll-" Her frenzied words are cut short as I tackle her small frame, bringing her to the floor in one easy swoop. The gun clatters to the hardwood, and I grab it, but she pulls mine from my holster, points it in my face. I freeze, sprawled on top of her, the gun in her hands dangerously shaky. "Why are you doing this, Mulder? Why won't you trust me?" I want to cry. This is my Scully and she's turned into a frightened child. "Scully, Scully, I do trust you. I do." She relaxes for an instant, and I realize this is it. I swipe at my gun and it comes cleanly from her hands with a little gasp. I jump up off her and hold both weapons lightly, ready on my feet. She closes her eyes. "Just kill me, Mulder. If that's what they've sent you for, just go ahead and kill me." I feel my body shaking, my head spinning. Scully thinks I'm one of them. She's lost it. She really truly has. It was too much for her to absorb, too much truth for her to handle. She couldn't let herself believe and it's killed her mind. My beautiful, beautiful Scully. I pick up the phone. The ambulance is on its way. ~~~~ End - Scully ~~~~ I wish he could believe me. Even now, I see he doesn't. I see that face that says he is merely humoring me. He has my gun and his. He is one of them. It's the only explanation. The Mulder that was my friend would not be so blind to such an obvious lie, to such an obvious manipulation. My Mulder would know that Diana was playing him for the fool, and my Mulder would believe me above all others. He is calling someone, calling them to come get me. I start to cry, wishing to be dead rather than a test subject for them. I see his face breaking, his eyes sorrowed, and I think that maybe, maybe, he will stop this madness, stop this right now. Placing the guns on the floor far from me, he bends at the waist, watching me. Then he comes to me, pulling me deep into his arms, taking my body tightly close to his, slipping his hands along my back. I relax into him, half afraid he is going to turn back into one of them, and half thrilled that he has understood. "I"m so sorry, Scully. I'm so sorry," he murmurs. "Do you believe me, Mulder?" He looks into my eyes and lets his head fall forward, lets his lips touch mine gently. "I believe you Scully. I believe." At that instant, men come through the door, cold faces, cold dead eyes. I cower into Mulder, knowing he will protect me, knowing that my Mulder is back, but he just stares at me with those same dead eyes. I jump away, falling into a shadowed corner in a heap, heavy with his betrayal. My head bows, a sort of prayer. In one final moment, I look up to Mulder, hoping against all hope. I feel the men's hands on me, holding me down. I look straight into Mulder's eyes. The words echo in my head like cannons erupting on the battle field. I lost Gibson. No. No, I don't think of him as a lab rat, not as someone else to exploit for our cause. Our cause. Not even really mine anymore. Mulder has taken it back from me. It's completely his, and not even his, at the same time. It's Spender's and Diana's. Both of theirs, and they won't ever let us have them back. I meant what I said. I can't go back to a normal job after the X-Files, I can't live a half life, where I know there are cruel forces at work out there, forces that have killed my sister, and almost killed me many times. But Mulder didn't choose me to continue on with him. I am not of the X-Files any longer. I fell for it once. I won't again. ~~~~ end adios RM ~~~~~~~~~~ "In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven." --Matthew 5:16 ~~~~~~~~~~ http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/5007/ Come check out my web page ~~~~~~~~~~