From: Keri <kerisb@yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2000 12:07:13 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Clarity by Keri
Source: direct


Title: Clarity
Author: Keri
Rating: PG
Classification: SR
Spoilers: "All Things"
Keywords: MSR
Summary: I kept thinking about what happened between 
the opening of "All Things" and the ending of it. So, 
this is my version of the story they didn't show us. 
Feedback: You can send feedback to kerisb@yahoo.com.
Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to CC, FOX and 
1013.
Archive: Yes. Wherever. Please let me know where.
Author's Notes: My first X-Files fanfic. Hope you 
enjoy it. Thanks to Maria for her input and support! 
:-) 

Clarity

A terrible stabbing pain in Scully's neck jolted her 
out of her sleep.  A soft blanket covered her, and 
her head rested uncomfortably on the back of a soft, 
leather couch.  [What time was it?]  The green glow 
of her watch showed it was just after 
3 a.m.  Rubbing the kink out of her neck, and looking 
around, she slowly recalled where she was.  The 
gurgling fish tank and the dark, sparse surroundings 
were a dead give away.  

The night before was a foggy memory, but she could 
easily remember the softness of Mulder's shoulder 
under her head.  She'd fallen asleep apparently, and 
her last memory was the touch of his hand as he'd 
brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.  She smiled.  

[What would have happened if I hadn't fallen asleep?]  
She knew the answer, but hesitated to admit it to 
herself.  But now that she was committed to this 
life, now that she knew this was what she was meant 
to do, now she could give of herself completely . . . 
[well, maybe not completely] . . . but maybe things 
could be different.  Certainly, she was more open to 
possibilities.  [In fact, there's no time like the 
present . . .] 

She stood, taking the blanket with her, and walked 
around the coffee table, careful not to jam her knee 
against the corner.  Mulder could use more windows, 
or at the least a night light.  But then it wasn't 
often he opened his house to strangers.  She'd been 
there enough to know the general layout of the place, 
but with the way he kept his apartment, who knows 
what she'd run into or step on.  She worried about 
tripping over something and waking him up with her 
screams. 

With that thought, she smiled once again, picturing 
him curled up on his bed.  She wondered how he slept-
curled up in the fetal position?  On his back?  His 
stomach?  She'd just have to find out, and she 
continued to smile as she approached his bedroom.  

What if he rejected her?  Or more realistically, what 
if she scared the bejeebees out of him?  If he kept 
his gun close, as she figured he would, she might 
just get shot.  To be sure, she slowly opened the 
door, whispering his name. 

"Mulder?" She paused, her face peering around the 
door to see if he'd moved.  He was still sleeping 
soundly.  

She slowly got closer.  "Mulder," she whispered 
again, not wanting to startle him, yet not wanting to 
wake him either.  She was at the edge of the bed now, 
and he was curled on his side, not quite in a full 
fetal position.  She touched the edge of the bed, 
looking at his closed eyes, looking for movement 
under his lids.  If he were in REM sleep, he'd be 
easier to wake.  But his eyes were still.  He was in 
deep sleep.  She was sure he was so soundly asleep 
that she wouldn't wake him from her soft whispers.  

She watched him for a minute or two, still 
questioning if what she was about to do was right or 
not.  She wanted him, had wanted him for some time 
now; but admitting to it was more difficult than 
actually going through the motions, or at least she 
thought.  Now, with the opportunity in front of her, 
the task was more difficult than the admission of her 
feelings.  But it was now or . . . well, later.  She 
could do it later.  Maybe.

She turned to leave.  Mulder's sleeping body rolled 
over at that point, causing Scully to halt her 
retreat.  He moaned something, she was sure of it.  
And she thought he'd said her name.  Was it?  
Curious, she turned back to his bed to look at him.  
He'd rolled away from her, facing the other side, 
facing the window.  She was sure he was dreaming.  He 
wouldn't be talking in his sleep if he weren't 
dreaming.  Just maybe . . . maybe if he was dreaming 
and she climbed in, he would incorporate the movement 
in his dream and not be startled by her sudden 
appearance. 

She made her decision and quickly undressed.  
Quietly, she stole into his bed and under the covers.  
He was completely undressed under the sheets.  Funny.  
She'd only seen him sleeping fully clothed.  Maybe he 
anticipated her arrival.  The thought made her smile.  

Just like she'd hypothesized, her climb into the 
warm, soft bed had been incorporated into his dream.  
He rolled over towards her, scooting over slightly to 
allow for the extra person in his bed.  He grumbled 
something and a slight smile spread across his lips 
followed by a deep-throated laugh.  "Scully,"  he 
rasped, and Scully gasped then covered her mouth with 
her hand to keep the sound in.  Was he awake?  Could 
she have misjudged?  But she knew her logic was 
sound, although . . . Mulder had a way of escaping 
logic.  But no, he was sleeping rather soundly 
despite the movement and his small laugh.  

She sighed and relaxed into the warm bed.  She turned 
her back to him and allowed her body to mold with 
his.  Her head rested on the pillow, and she closed 
her eyes.  His arm circled around her belly, and she 
allowed him to pull her closer to him.  There was no 
turning back now.  She was here to play out the 
scenario she had imagined so many times before.  She 
accepted his arm around her and relaxed further 
against his body, letting a small smile escape her 
lips. 

-------------

Slowly, Mulder awoke to the feeling of soft skin next 
to his.  Could it be?  He had just been having the 
nicest dream of Scully, so he didn't trust the 
sensations he was feeling.  It was possible that this 
was still the dream.  But she seemed real.  

He pulled her closer just to be sure.  She snuggled 
closer into him.  This wasn't a dream.  He was sure 
of it now.  His eyes were wide open-very wide open.  

But how did she get into his bed?  He was sure he had 
left her on the couch curled up under a blanket, 
exhausted.  There was no way she would climb into bed 
with him.  Unless . . . Maybe she was cold and 
logically climbed into bed with him to get warm.  
That was it.  That must be it.  

She snuggled even closer and his body responded.  

But then . . . he moved the sheet slightly off her 
shoulder and peaked at her skin from the soft glow of 
the moon through the window.  Was she naked?  Scully?  
Naked in his bed?  The thought both excited and 
terrified him.  His body responded properly and he 
considered pulling away before Scully became aware of 
how his body felt about her.  But he couldn't move.  
After 7 years of pulling away, denying emotions and 
physical responses to her, he no longer seemed to 
have the will power to resist her "feminine whiles," 
as his mother would have called them.  Mom . . . he 
sighed and put his head back on his arm.  He 
shouldn't have thought about her.  Despite the 
distance in their relationship, he still missed her.  

He removed his arm from around Scully's waist and 
rolled over, his back against hers.  This would have 
to wait until the thoughts of his mother passed.  And 
maybe he'd have to wait until he was 100% positive 
this is what Scully wanted.  He'd hate to take 
advantage and then have her resent it.  That would 
certainly strain their relationship, and just when it 
seemed they were closer than ever. 

He curled his arm under his head and sighed as he 
closed his eyes. 

-------------------

Scully heard his sigh.  Both of them.  She feigned 
sleep, hoping that he would make the first move.  
Hoping that he would take what she was offering him 
with a small kiss on the cheek.  And just when she 
realized that at least his body had responded, and 
just maybe his mind and actions would soon follow, he 
sighed and rolled over.  Then he sighed again!  Did 
she misjudge so terribly?  Was he really rejecting 
her?  How could he?  She thought for sure he would 
take this as a sure sign that she wanted their 
relationship to advance.  And she thought for sure 
that he would feel the same way.  But as she snuggled 
closer, he'd rolled over.  

But then it occurred to her that maybe he was still 
asleep and his sighs were still part of a dream that 
she had invaded.  

She wanted this.  She wanted him.  Maybe she should 
just wake him up and let him know.  No pretenses.  No 
guessing games, just waking him up and saying, 
"Mulder, I want you.  Right here.  Right now."  No.  
That didn't sound right.  That sounded cheap.  But 
then with all those videos he owned, she was sure he 
wouldn't mind cheap.  But she would.  

She listened for his breathing.  It was different 
than before.  He was awake.  She was certain of it.  
He was awake and he had snubbed her. 

Maybe she should just get up and go home.  It was 
obvious he didn't want her, otherwise he would have 
taken her offering.  That's what she'd do, she'd go 
home.  

Slowly and quietly, she swung her legs over the side 
of the bed and sat up.  The bed creaked, and Mulder 
turned slightly.  "Scully," he said.  

Scully didn't answer.  She quickly scooped up her 
clothes and sprinted to the bathroom.  

With what little light shone through the window, 
Mulder saw Scully's naked butt scurry to the 
bathroom.  "Scully!" he called, but she didn't 
respond before slamming the door shut.  He got up and 
went to the closed door, flicking the light on as he 
went. 

"Scully?" he called.  

He was answered by silence. 

What was going on?  This wasn't the Scully he knew.  
This wasn't the mature, rational Scully he had grown 
to love.  This was . . . well, he hated to think it, 
but this was a woman.  A typical, irrational, over-
emotional woman.  How was he supposed to deal with 
this?  

In the bathroom, Scully dressed quickly.  [This is 
insane], she told herself.  [Get a grip.]  She knew 
she'd have to find a way to compose herself and leave 
with dignity.  She splashed cold water on her face 
and ran her fingers through her hair.  Besides the 
red face, she looked rather composed.  She did a 
mental check to see if she had everything so she 
could just get out of here.  Her coat and purse where 
on a chair by the door.  Perfect.  She could grab it 
as she left.  With one last nod to herself, she put 
her hand on the doorknob.  

Mulder was still calling her name through the door 
and asking what was wrong.  She opened the door, but 
wasn't quite prepared to see what she saw.  

As the door opened, Mulder stepped back.  "Scully.  
What's wrong?"  He asked as he saw her come out.  She 
was fully dressed and looked composed-typical Scully.  
Mulder relaxed a bit, and stepped towards her.  
"Scully. Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."  An 
alarmed expression began to cross Scully's face the 
closer he got to her.  She turned to leave, and he 
reached out to stop her.  The expression in her eye-
the don't-say-one-more-thing-Mulder look in her eye-
told him to freeze. 

Mulder was naked.  Scully didn't even think that he 
wouldn't have clothes on.  Why couldn't he have put a 
robe on?  Or at the very least, put on his boxers 
that were piled on the floor.  Urgently he asked her 
to talk to him.  Just a few hours ago she'd told him 
everything.  She'd told him about the life-changing 
events that had occurred over the weekend, she'd told 
him about her old flame, the man she had once 
considered marrying.  She had poured out her heart to 
him, only holding back her feelings for him.  Now, 
she just wanted to escape.  She just wanted to get 
out.  She didn't understand the irrational feelings 
of betrayal and pain that invaded her body.  She 
didn't want these new emotions.  She didn't want to 
be open to possibilities.  Where had the clarity gone 
that she'd experienced so many times these last few 
days?  What happened to her decision that she wanted 
this man?  

Mulder reached out to her, trying to stop her 
departure, but she couldn't bare him to touch her.  
Not now.  Not when the thoughts in her brain were so 
scrambled.  She gave him her don't-touch-me look, and 
he froze.  She froze too, wanting to leave, but her 
courage ebbing.  

Mulder saw that look so many times, and 
unquestioningly he had obeyed.  This time it was 
different.  That look, the look that had so often 
times worried him into submission, was followed by a 
split-second of confusion.  He used that split-second 
to his advantage.  He touched her shoulder.  She 
didn't move, and the confusion in her eyes deepened.  
He took this as a good sign and reached across her, 
grasping her other arm just below her shirtsleeve, 
gently turning her toward him.  

She couldn't fathom why he was touching her now, 
especially after he'd snubbed her before.  Why now?  

"Scully," he said softly.  "Please don't leave."  

Her skin was warm to his touch, and she seemed to 
tremble under his hand.  

His hand was heavy on her arm, but she welcomed it.

Suddenly everything was clear.  Mulder knew she had 
misread his actions in bed.  She thought he'd turned 
away from her because he didn't want her.  "Nothing 
is further from the truth," he said aloud. 

Scully knew.  She knew what he meant.  He hadn't 
snubbed her.  He wanted her.  Now he was pulling her 
closer to him to confirm this thought.  

She looked in his eyes and smiled.  

She wanted him.  Mulder knew this.  He had always 
known it, but now Scully knew.  

He returned her smile, dropping his hands from her 
shoulders and taking her hands in his.  He leaned in, 
and she responded, allowing their lips to meet and 
allowing her body to respond to his.  

She knew this was meant to be, and she knew that he 
wanted this as much as she.  Everything that had 
happened in every minute of her life lead to this 
moment.  No matter what choices she had made, no 
matter what path she had chosen, this is where she 
would have ended up.  It was Mulder's arms where she 
belonged, and here is where she'd stay. 

The End