Cliches, Cliches 1/1
by Shayna Chase <pilotchase@mindspring.com>

Category: R, H
Rating: No idea.  Somewhere between R and NC-17
Summary: What happens the characters and the author disagree?

Notes: Okay, I wrote this for fun.  My editor liked it but that's not
saying much.  I read erotica alot and I applaud any author that makes an
attempt to write it.  You are exploring an unknown side of characters and
that takes guts.   This is just my attempt at parodying it.  I don't mean
to offend anyone and I know I can't write halfway decent smut, but I'm not
trying to here. (I have a shoulder fixation, in case you're wondering)

Thanks to everyone who sent me examples of cliches and to Kim as always,
for editing and Alana for beta reading.

Cliches, Cliches
1/1

Fox Mulder backed Dana Scully up against the filing cabinet. "I want you,"
he breathed.
Scully looked at him. Why is it always like this?, she thought.
She ran her fingers through Mulder's hair, tugging at the dark strands.
"Ouch! That hurts!"
"Sorry!"

Mulder nuzzled her auburn hair breathing the scent of her strawberry shampoo. 
Strawberry shampoo? Why is it always strawberry shampoo?
Scully pushed Mulder back by the shoulders. "Why is it that just because
I'm a redhead, I use strawberry shampoo? Every story, it's the same thing.
This one has to be the worst.  The author has no clue how to write romance!"

<<You got that right>>

"Why do we have to put up with this!?" Scully ranted. "It's always Mulder
and I realizing our carnal desires for each and doing it up against the
filing cabinets or on his desk!"

<<Don't forget the ever popular Skinner's desk>>

"Don't help! Or sometimes we make to the parking lot. . .of course Mulder
always has to wearing his glasses"

"I like my glasses," Mulder ventured, daring to interrupt.

"So do I, but they are not that arousing."

<<Wanna bet? Tell that to all the LOMIG>>

"The what?"

<<Never mind. Just stop whining and get back to work>>

Scully let out a groan of frustration as Mulder fingered her suit jacket. 
"Might as well ignore her and get this over with." He mummered slipping the
jacket from her shoulders.

She shot him a look. "You're just doing this because you haven't gotten
laid in 5 years"

Mulder looked insulted. "Just because I have had a date on the show since
Kristin-"

"Who's Kristin?" Scully asked.

<<Un uh. . . don't go there. That's another fanfic entirely.>>

"May I continue?" Mulder asked.

<<Go right ahead>>

"Just because I haven't had a date on the show, doesn't mean I don't go out."

<<Sure. . . that's it>>

"Hey, don't mock me!"

<<A word of advise, don't argue with me. Or in about 5 seconds Skinner and
Cancerman will show up and it will turn into a foursome>>

Scully and Mulder both looked disgusted.
"Eww. . . .that's gross." they cried in unison.

<<That's not what I want you two to be crying in unison about>>

Mulder threw his hands in the air in exasperation.
"Great, We're stuck in a story being written by a horny fanfic writer!"

<<Shut your mouth, I am not horny. I just have a one track mind.>>

Mulder rolled his eyes. "Is there a really big difference there?"

<<I'm warning you. . . .>>

He sighed. "Okay, getting back to work".  Mulder leaned over and sucked on
Scully's neck while running his hands all over her back.  Bringing his
hands again to the front of her blouse he began undoing the delicate buttons.

Scully put her hands on Mulder's shoulders and pushed back. *Hard*  He
stumbled for several feet before regaining his balance.  "Delicate
buttons?! What the hell are delicate buttons?! This is like some bad
harlequin novel.  In about five seconds Mulder will probably sweep me up
into his strong manly arms and carry me off to bed to ravish me."

<<Seeing as you're at the office, I doubt there's a bed in sight>>

"It was a metaphor!!!"

<<Meta- what?>>

She sighed in exasperation.  "A comparison."

<<A really bad one.>>

"Like yours are much better, Ms.-can't-write-a-coherent-to-save-her-life"

<<Oh, shut up>>

Scully smiled.  "It's always nice to see how mature you authors are."

<<Don't insult me.  I'm running the show here.>>

"Oh please! she scoffed.  You may be writing the words, but *we* are acting
them out.  If you don't shape up and quit using all these damn cliches.
Mulder and I are leaving!"

"Umm. . .Scully."  Mulder tried to draw her attention to the front his
pants.  "I think we should do what she wants.  I don't think I could go
anywhere even if I wanted to."

"Oh for christ sakes! You and your damn libido! And why is it always about
you anyway?  Just because my sex organs happen to be on inside doesn't mean
I'm not turned on.

<<You know, that line wasn't even amusing on Stargate SG-1 and it's
downright stupid here.  Why don't you two just shut up and do it right.
Just get it over with.>>

"Yes, Scully." Mulder piped in.  "Let's."

"Okay", she relented.  "But no more cliches or we walk."

<<I promise>> 

 Mulder knelt behind Scully and gently caressed her back.  He ran his
fingers over the strong muscles and leaned over to press his lips to the
ouroboros, a wave of desire shot through him landing south of the border.
She turned around and eyed him carefully.

"You're wearing too many clothes."  She grabbed ahold of his tie and
started to unknot it.  It was a Marvin the Martian tie with splashes of
neon colors in the background.

"Mulder, do you have any normal ties?"

"Yeah, tons.  I only wore wacky ties in the first season; I wear normal
ties now.  The fanfic authors just haven't picked up on that."

Scully seemed to think about it for a moment but finally realized she was
too aroused to care about his stupid ties.  She grabbed ahold of the collar
of his shirt and yanked hard.

"Ouch!" he cried. "That hurt!"

"Sorry, it never bothers you in other stories."

"Great, this author has to be a realist."

Mulder leaned over and nuzzled her shoulder.  Scully ran her fingers over
his broad shoulders.  She leaned over and kissed the puckered bullet scar
on his shoulder.

She pushed him back angrily.  "Oh for christ sakes!  Why do I always have
to kiss that thing?!  It's not that attractive or sexy, and I don't have a
guilt complex."

Mulder silenced her rants by kissing her.  They quickly made work of each
other clothes and stood there in the buff.  Scully's gaze dropped from
Mulder's face to far below.

"I see Mr. Winky is an eager beaver," she commented.

"Him and me both." he grabbed ahold of her hips and sat her atop a near by
desk.  He prepared to enter her but hesitated.  He was so big and she was
so little.  He didn't want to hurt her.

"Get off it Mulder." she grabbed his shoulders to pull her into her but
stopped.

"Condoms, no one's mentioned condoms.  That means I'm going to get pregnant."

<<Maybe, maybe not>>

"Scully. ." he groaned. "Some authors just like to ignore little things
like birth control."

<<This author just loves to write her favorite female characters pregnant>>

She thought for a second.  "Oh screw it."  She grabbed his hips and
maneuvered him into her.

Mulder groaned.  All his life he had been searching.  Searching for the
truth, searching for his sister, searching for the answers.  But now
finally, inside her he had found what he'd been looking for.  He had come
home.

"That's it! I've had it!' Scully pushed him out of her and jumped to her
feet.  

"First of all, I said Mr. Winky was eager; I never said he was that large."

Mulder crossed his hands over the offending member.

"What a man you are.  Always worrying about hurting little me.  Secondly,
this coming home crap.  It's the same in every story!"

<<I never said I was a good or original erotica writer>> 

"Well, at least you didn't lie.  But I said no more cliches and I meant it.
 So I'm leaving."

She grabbed her clothes and stalked out of the office.

<<Never mind the fact that she's buck naked.  Security's gonna have a fun
time...>>

Mulder moaned in frustration.  "Now what am I going to do?"  He had an
idea. "Say how about one of those nice lifeguards from Baywatch come in and
give me a hand. . . or something else?"

<<That's it! I quit!>>

the end

Thanks for reading!