From: tonnaree Date: Sat, 19 Jun 1999 09:56:06 -0700 (PDT) Subject: fanfic Title: "Closer to F.I.N.E." Author: tonnaree Email: tonnaree@yahoo.com Discription: Character study/vignette Content: A tad of angst, a smidge of UST Spoilers: Vague references to the entire run. Archive: Post me baby, all night long. Rating: Mild R, for language. Disclaimer: Chris suger I know they're not mine. Fox broadcasting and 1013 Productions have nothing to fear from little ole me. I only write to still the evil voices in my head. Feedback: Oh god, would you please! But this is my first posting of anything other than poetry so remember, I may look like a women, but I break like a little girl. Dedication: This is for "spendergirl" who first welcomed me to The Church of X. "Closer to F.I.N.E." by tonnaree "Mulder, I'm fine." In wardly Scully flinched at her own words. Years of repetition made them sound false even to her ears. She watched as Mulder bit back any further comment and turned from her with a sigh. "Gee," she thought, "I've got him well trained. He doesn't even to push the subject." The evil voice that lived in her head piped up, "Isn't that what you want Dana"? Scully rarely bothered to tell the voice to shut up anymore. It did no good. She bent back over her paperwork trying to regain concentration. Unfortunately the evil voice was not done with her. "Mulder, I'm fine...Mom, I'm fine...Bill, I'm fine." An endless singsong loop of denial danced in her brain. It was all she could do not to clamp her hands over her ears. She settled for raising a palm to her forehead as if checking for fever. "When was the last time I was actually fine." "Not for a long time, if ever." Still the evil voice continued. "Dad, I'm fine...Skinner, I'm fine...Melissa, I'm fine." Melissa! With sudden clarity Scully remembered the last time she had tried to brush her sister off with an "I'm fine." Melissa had laughed disgustedly, stood there with hands on hips and hit Scully with one of those new-agey sayings she was always spouting. At the time Scully had ignored her sister's self-help rhetoric as usual, but as the words came back to her they now rang with truth. "Hey Dana, anone ever told you that F.I.N.E. stands for Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional"!! Scully could not supress a smile at the memory. That was a pretty good one Missy. "Yep, that's me, F.I.N.E." Let's go down the list she thought. Fucked up, well, who wouldn't be fucked up with all I've been through in the last six years? Abductions, cancer, the loss of my father and sister, and let's not even talk about genetic mutants and death fetishists! I have every right to be fucked up. Ok, now for Insecure. Let's see, I leave my chosen field of medicine, against my parents wishes. I join a fiercely competitive, male dominated government agency where I spend every day trying to prove myself to the boys club. That could make one insecure. On to Neurotic. Well, I found out that the world is in danger of a hostile alien invasion. I'm never really sure which of my supeiors are for or against this idea. And my partner periodically ditches me to chase down bits of the truth pertaining to this grand conspiracy. Oh yea, I've got neurotic covered in spades. And speaking of my partner, I'm in love with him. How's that for Emotional? Despite the dangers, despite the risks, despite his dogged determination to drive me crazy, I'm in love with him. From the soles of his too big feet, to the tip of his almost too big nose, I love Fox Mulder. But how do you bring up love in the midst of little green (excuse me, grey) men and sentient black oil? He's my partner, he's my friend, he's everything. He knows I'd die for him, but how do I tell him that I want to live for him, with him. Emotional doesn't begin to cover it. And if I stop to contemplate whether or not he feels the same, well then we can just run through fucked up, insecure and neurotic all over again! Scully took a deep breath and stared at the mountain of paper before her. "All this ruminating will not magically make expense accounts and field reports sort themselves." She attacked the piles anew, trying to bring order to Mulder's casual chaos. She must've been flinging the files a little more vigorously than she intended because moments later she felt two hazel eyes boring in to the top of her head. Looking up she once again found Mulder gazing at her with concern. She could tell it was "concern" by the furrowed brown and pouting lips. (God, Mulder even manages to make concern look hot.) "Scully, are you sure you're ok"? "Mulder, I'm...." Before the standard answer could spring again from her lips Scully stopped. Looking in to those pools of green, seeing there the need to be needed, the desire to comfort. Why, she ask heself, did she constantly turn away from what she most wanted? From the person she most loved? So, for once, she didn't. "Actually Mulder, I feel like hell.........." END Please give me feedback, no matter how small. I can live for days on the smallest crumb. P.S. Apologies to Amy and Emily for the title.