From: Maria Bermudez <aliengirlm@yahoo.com>
Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 07:08:48 -0800 (PST)
Subject: fanfic submission
Source: direct

FROM: Banshee-6 <aliengirlm@yahoo.com
TITLE: Clueless Factor
CATEGORY: Humor, Crossover
DISCLAIMER: The X-Files characters do not belong to me
(what's new?), I did the crossover with the film
Clueless, together with some of the characters, I have
no idea to whom they belong to but I can tell you that
it's one of my favorite comedies. The Calvin Klein
Jeans belong to Calvin Klein, I guess. Beavis and
Butthead belong to MTV. Oh, yeah. Uh, like no
infringement intended.  The people and situations are
pure boredom fiction. Can you blame me? I'm on
vacation.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The plot came up while driving from the
office with my dad, I just thought 'what would happen
if Mulder and Scully became Clueless?' and the rest
came out easily. All well deserved feedback can be
sent to aliengirlm@yahoo.com

----------------------------Clueless
Factor--------------By Banshee-6

XXXXXXXXXX
FBI HEADQUARTERS
7:49 AM

Scully was sitting in Mulder's chair for a change that
morning, feet up on the desk, remote control in hand
and a medium size no-cholesterol-fat free potato chip
bag on her lap ready to be devoured.

Mulder, the Baldwin of a partner she had came in to
the room, with his bran new dark colored Armani suit,
'cool' she thought.

"Hello Scully"
"Morning Mulder. What are you up to today?"
"I just met Skinner, we have like a new case."
"So, we have to go up to his office?"
"Uh-huh."
"Darn. Beavis and Butthead are like just starting. I'm
gonna miss it!"
"Don't you have any of your girlfriends taping it for
ya?"
"Oh, that's right. Someone must be taping it.
Sometimes you can be adorably intelligent." She said
flapping her eyelashes at him with a dumb expression
on her face.
"I'm not an FBI agent for nothing, baby." He winked at
Scully " Come on, let's go!"

Both agents left the office right after Scully had
finished calling one of her girlfriends to find out if
she was taping Beavis and Butthead. With that settled
they walked up the stairs, you now, taking the
elevator does not burn as many calories as you may
think.

XXXXXXXXXX
SKINNER'S OFFICE

Mulder and Scully walked through the door in to the
small waiting room preceding the actual office.
Skinner's secretary greeted them with a very fake
smile in her over-done-with-makeup face. She was at
the time painting her fingernails.

"Girlfriend!" 
"Girlfriend! New polish?" Scully asked.
"Absolutely, my boyfriend just gave it to me as our
two week anniversary. Ain't it cute?"
"Really cute. Right Mulder?"
"Uh, yeah, right. Cute. Say," He said changing
subjects "Skinner wants to see us?"
"Oh, oh. Right, go ahead he's waiting for you."
"Bye, Kimberly."
"Bye, Bye."

The knocked on the wooden door and heard a muffled
sound coming from inside.

"I think he said 'come in'." Mulder said.

Scully shrugged.

As a total gentleman, Mulder opened the door and let
Scully go in first. Skinner was inside, sitting at his
desk.

"Good morning Agents. Please take a seat."
"So, Skinner. What's up?"
"I have like the ultimate case for you two."
"No way, describe!" Scully said with wide, shiny eyes.

Half an hour later, their AD had filled them with
every possible detail about the case. They were amazed
with what they had just heard.

"That is like so brutally uncool." Scully said.
"How can there be people like that left in the world!"
Mulder sounded amazed.
"I know. Tell me about it!" Skinner said.
"I think this is the case that will finally give as
the chance to make a difference in the world."

XXXXXXXXXX
OCEANIC MALL
1:47 PM

Mulder and Scully had spent most of their morning
reviewing the case files and downloading all the
information from the internet they could get, but what
took them most of the time was deciding what they
would have for lunch.

One wanted Chinese, the other Italian; and they would
certainly not go to the FBI cafeteria, which *was*
worse than a High School cafeteria, and don't even get
them started counting the calories they would have to
get rid of later. 

As if!

Finally, after deciding that they would just take out
something from the 'All Vegetarian Place' they got to
the Mall.

"Wow. The mall is really crowded today."
"*GASP* Oh-my-God-oh-my-God. They are on sale! Armani
is on sale! I can smell it in the air!" She shrieked.
"Where?" He asked.
"Right here!"

Mulder moved over to where Scully was standing and
simultaneously took a deep breath.

"You are right, it's at least 40%. I can't believe it!
Hey! Excuse me?" He asked a girl who was just passing
by "Do you know where the Armani sale is?"
"Uh... no... sorry." She said.

The girl walked away.

"Haven't you learned anything?" She scolded "Look at
her, look at her clothes, she's absolutely clueless,
of course she doesn't know where the sale is!" Mulder
nodded in agreement "Oh." She sighed "I wish I had
time to give her a makeover."
"Why would you want to give her a makeover? You don't
even know her."
"Not even! I don't have to know her to do so. Don't
you know that by giving that poor girl a makeover I'm
contributing with other people's happiness and not to
say personal growth?" 
"OH! OK, I dig ya. 'It's far, far better to do stuff
for other people'."
"You see, it's way easy to understand. Now you only
need to practice."
"Solid!" He said gesturing with his fist "But I'll
have lots of time to practice my good deeds later.
Right now we like need to keep on looking for this
dude."
"So, OK" She said "What do we have about this dude?"
"Well, He's single, possibly over 40 and he's running
this little business in this mall."
"That's it?"
"Just about."
"So, we have to go search him from store to store, all
over the mall until we find him?"
"Yep."

And then with a mischievous grin she said.

"I love my job."

XXXXXXXXXX
2 1/2 HOURS LATER

Scully walked towards the bench on the main floor,
near the fountain where Mulder was sitting down,
carrying a couple bags in her hand.

"I've been like shopping all day" She said "and I
still haven't found this guy." 
"You were not supposed to go shopping, we have to find
this dude for Skinner or he'll go postal!"

Scully eyed the white bag leaning against his leg.

"But shopping is *so* therapeutic for me, it's vital
to get rid of the stress that our job creates. But,
whatever! It seems like I'm not the only on who's been
'working hard'."

He looked at his bag with a little embarrassment.

"I couldn't avoid it, it practically screamed 'BUY
ME!' and before I knew it, it was being charged at my
credit card."
"So, what you buy?"
"Let me show you!"

He stood up and pulled out a leather jacket from the
bag, then he took off his suit jacket and put on the
leather one.

"So what you think?" He asked " Is it James Dean or
Jason Priestly?"
"Hello? Carpe Diem! You look hot in it!"
"So, you think I look hot?"

She blushed almost immediately.

"I mean...like uh... Tscha! You look... good!" She
rectified. 
"And like what garments did you buy to enlarge your
already-too-big closet?"
"As if! Are you being sarcastic? Anyways, I bought the
cutest dress. I'm gonna look like such a Betty! It's
an Alaļa, he is like my garment guru."  


There were some girls on the other bench and they were
just talking about their new Calvin Klein Jeans
acquisition.

"So Cher, how did you find them?"
"Well Tai, I go inside the shop" Cher answered "and
there is this old guy, like, over forty, and sells me
an original pair of Calvins at like, almost half the
price, can you believe it?"

"Oh, no Mulder!" Scully whispered in awe "I think we
found our scam guy!"
"You're right! We need to find him and stop him before
it's too late, and all the girls in this city become
fashion victims! Or, I mean, ensembly challenged! "
 
Scully got up and walked to the other bench where the
girls were discussing the fact that platforms were
like so last season.

"Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt but I was
accidentally eves dropping and couldn't avoid hearing
you say that you bought Calvins at half the price?"
"Uh, like, yeah." Cher said.
"Would you mind telling me where the store is?"
"Sure, it's on the third floor, the store is called...
uh...what's the name again... Amistad."
"Amistad?" De said.
"Yeah... I think... Amistad..."
"Well, thank you very much." Scully said.
"No problem."

She turned to Mulder and told him what the girls had
just said to her; they picked their bags and left for
the elevator just in time to hear one of the girls
comment:

"Wow, De. That lady sure is like a total Betty!"
"And what about the Baldwin that was with her? ..."

XXXXXXXXXX
THIRD FLOOR
AMISTAD BOUTIQUE

Mulder and Scully rushed in to the store with anger in
their eyes, once inside, they took it cool and tried
to act aloof.

Scully eyed the clothes hanging on the tacky walls
nearby, while Mulder looked at some tennis shoes.

The owner of the shop was behind the cash register. He
looked at them quizzically and decided to approach the
redheaded female first.
  
"Can I help you?" He asked.
"Uh, like sure."
"Are you looking for something specific."
'Like, you bet I am!' She thought, then said "Yes, I'm
looking for Calvin Klein Jeans."
"Oh, right over here. We just had them delivered this
morning."
"You don't say!" She said sarcastically.
"Uh... yeah, really." He said a little impressed by her
answer "Please come over here."

They walked to where the jeans were; Scully could
smell the scam in the air even before she got close
enough to smell the jeans.

"Nice, how much do they cost?" She said eyeing them.
"They are half the price. It's the best deal you can
get in this mall!" He said giving his convincing act a
try, but Scully was like waaay too smart for him.

She looked around the store but saw no sign, no
promotion or no nothing that said they were 50%
cheaper. This was part of the scam. Non-original
Calvin Kleins!

She looked at the pair of jeans in every possible
angle, up and down, inside and outside until she found
it.

'U-ha!' She thought 'These jeans are fake! They do not
have the little thingy at the back! Besides, they're
not sown with *the* original Calvin Klein's thread.
They are not Calvin originals!'

"Hey mister! FBI. You are under arrest for selling
fake Calving Klein jeans!" Scully said pulling he
badge from her Armani jacket.
"What?!"
"For making every costumer a fashion victim!" Mulder
said.
"What?!"
"Admit it buddy. They are not original. What's the
catch? Do the dissolve in water? Do they brake easily?
Do they tear apart? What?"
"Ok, ok. I'll admit it!" He said guiltily burying his
head in his hands" They are not original!... And, yeah,
they *do* dissolve in water!!" 
"That's more like it!" Mulder said.
"Bu-but how did you know?" The man asked.
"It's obvious, we are no boneheads. And besides, I
practically lived all my life at the galleria." She
answered.
"But you can't take me. I-I've got a wife, and kids!"
"Yeah, yeah. Like save it for the judge."

After they had called for reinforcements, and all the
cargo had been loaded inside a truck to be shipped...
uh...like, somewhere; the man asked,

"But, does the FBI investigate things like this?
Jeans?"
"As if! Fashion Bureau of Investigation agents
specialize in this fashion schemes." Mulder said.
"Oh, I see." He said as another agent was handcuffing
and taking him away, then he muttered "These people
are crazy, Fashion Bureau of Investigation my shorts!"

And that's how our intrepid and very well dressed
agents saved humanity from like becoming fashion
victims. After that, they went back to look for the
clueless girl and gave her a total makeover.

UH LIKE, THE END.

XXXXXXXXXX
I'm a case, actually, I had nothing to do and this
idea was just nagging my brain and wouldn't leave me
alone. All feedback to aliengirlm@yahoo.com, even if
you just want to comment on the film and not on the
fic. Anything! Feedback is part of my daily
requirements!