From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Thu, 1 Mar 2001 19:49:07 -0600
Subject: Cold by Tina Miller
Source: direct

Reply To: zephiey@sc.rr.com


Disclaimer: Not mine, but I wish there were! All belong to CC and Fox,
no infringement intended. Spoilers: Season 8
Rating; N/A
Summary: Companion to Cold......Scully's POV
Feedback: Please and thank you!   zephiey@sc.rr.com

              Cold to Warm
 
He's back. 

OH MY GOD, he's back! 

I need to get help. 

I need to help him. 

I have to.

Jeremiah!....Jeremiah, he can help. He will help. I need him.  

"No! God, no, not now!" 

"Jeremiah!" 

"No! No you can't have him! No!"

"JEREMIAH!"

"Oh god...NO!....Not now...he needs him.....I need to help him!" 

"Why?  Why now?"

"How can I help him now?"  

I can feel their eyes on me, all of their eyes. I can feel the pity in
their gazes.  They think they know what I feel. They think that they
know, but they don't. How can I tell them what I feel when I don't
know myself? How can I make them understand what I feel even when I
don't know what I feel? 

They think I am crying because he is back but am I? Am I crying for
him or me?  

Why is he back? 

God, he is back.

Why now?

I can't deal with him....I can't be there for him! 

I can't be there for me how am I going to be there for him? How? 

I can't!

I know John is watching me. I can feel his gaze on me. I know he is
worried. He thinks that this is too much for me. But how can I tell
him that this is what I need? This closure of sorts. The answer to
where he is. 

How can I tell him that I will survive even if Mulder doesn't? He
thinks that I will break but will I?

Do I love him so much that if he leaves I will break? 

Do I love him? Do I love him enough?

Does he love me enough? If he loved me at all, would he have gone?

He volunteered.  He left, months before being taken. 

He was dying. Or he is!

Is he still dying?

Does the reason he left still exist? Does he? 

I don't know. I am not sure if I care. 

God, that sounds cold. Am I really an Ice Queen?  Were they all
correct about me? Why don't I feel whatever it is I am supposed to
feel?  

What did Skinner say about getting myself prepared? Is that why I feel
the way I do?  

Skinner?  Where is he? Where did he go? 

There he is. He looks .....cold.

He has been there for me all this time. Is this the reason I feel this
way? Relieved that Mulder has been returned but not in the way a lover
would feel. 

Look at me, please. 

Let me see your eyes. Please? 

Tell me we will get through this.  

Take my hand. 

Hold it. 

Make me believe.

Please......