Date: 20 Aug 1998 08:03:27 GMT From: Dana N Fox Subject: NEW: Confessions to a Goldfish (1/2) Title: Confessions to a Goldfish Author: Marnie Bacon Rating: PG Classification: SR Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance Archive: All right. Have fun. Summary: Mulder comes home from work and contemplates his day aloud. Confessions to a Spider Plant from Mulder's POV. Disclaimer: I am poor, and do not own these characters. I am only borrowing them. They will be returned with little or no damage done to them. Promise. *Note* It is not necessary to read Confessions to a Spider Plant first, but since I did write that one first, it would only make sense to read it first. Confessions to a Goldfish It was well after midnight before Mulder finally got home from work. He stayed at the office so long that day because he just didn't want to go home. At home he knew he would think about the day that he had just lived through. And what a day it was. He wasn't quite sure he understood everything that had happened. He knew his own actions and his own thoughts, but he didn't know the repercussions that these things had on one thing. One person. One woman. Scully. His whole day seemed to be focused on Scully. Everything he did, every idea that went through his head centered on her that day, yesterday. Some might call this an obsession; Mulder called it survival. This was how he got through some of the tougher days. Thinking about her caused him to stop dwelling on his own problems. He quit living in self-pity and envying other people's simple and less guilt-ridden lives. If he lived a different life, he wouldn't know Scully. She made his existence worth-while. This may seem an abnormal approach to life, but his life was anything but normal. Unfortunately, his means of survival sometimes got him in trouble. Today, it may have cost him Scully. Mulder walked into his apartment, locked his door, and secured the dead bolt. Not that it stopped the people who actually broke into his apartment. It was a habit, and it gave him a sense of security, albeit a false one. He didn't bother to hang up his jacket; he just threw it on his couch and walked over to his fish tank. He unscrewed the cap to the fish food and lifted the lid to the fish tank to feed his fish. His one fish. Mulder was constantly buying new fish to keep his friend company. They just couldn't handle his dangerous life style. He liked to test his boundaries by swimming near the filter. The other fish followed him but were consequently sucked into it. He didn't want to think that his one fish was destined for a life of solitude. He hoped the fish just hadn't found the right one yet. Once his fish was fed, he walked over to his couch. He didn't turn on any lights. He liked it dark. Mulder lied down on the couch; he used his discarded jacket as a pillow and slung his arm over his forehead. His night of confessions was about to begin. "What a day I had today," he checked his watch which resulted in a pang of guilt and distress. "Nope, yesterday. And it all started with a dream." He was in a sterile room. Completely white. There were no windows; there was no furniture. His environment may have been barren, but he was not alone. Mulder could feel her presence even before he could see her. Scully. She seemed to materialize right in front of him. Her red hair and blue eyes were a stark contrast to the white surroundings. The room made her features more prominent. He didn't understand how this possibly could be accomplished, but she was more beautiful here, now then he had ever seen her before. Almost angel-like. She took his breath away. Scully simply stood there; neither moving nor talking. The only indications that she was alive was the blinking of her eyes and the rising and falling of her chest. She seemed to be waiting for him to make the first move. Though Mulder could not see impatience in Scully's eyes, he seemed to know in the back of his head that she would not stay here forever. His time was limited so he better use it wisely. With only a slight amount of hesitation, he raised his hand to her face. Her eyes followed his hand until it was almost touching her cheek and then she locked eyes with him. A bridge to their minds, hearts, and souls. The first touch was soft and gentle. A caress. Mulder hadn't realized that he was holding his breath until he let it out in a light whoosh of air. This teased the tendrils that were framing her face and made them dance around. Scully broke her own silence with a sigh. This small sound of acceptance and contentment urged him to go further with his exploration. He moved his hand farther up her delicate face with the same feather-like touch with which he started. He started running his hand through her soft hair, and she bent her head back so that her porcelain white neck was staring at him; taunting him. He bent to kiss this enticing place. He was mere centimeters from his destination when he was stopped by some invisible barrier. He tried a second time but was blocked yet again. Troubled but not defeated, Mulder tried a more direct approach. He lifted her head so that it was in line with his. Her eyes were widened and dark with desire and anticipation. This fueled his fire. He moved to capture her lips and was met with the same obstacle. He didn't understand what was going on and he was getting frustrated. Scully looked at him through heavy lidded eyes. She was waiting for him but there was nothing he could do. "Damn walls," Mulder muttered. Unable to wait for him any longer, she started to fade away. She was gone before he could blink twice. "Scully!" he called out. "Dana," he whispered. "And then I woke up. It was around 5:30 am so there was no reason for me to try and get back to sleep. Not that I could have. So I got up and took a shower. A cold one." he said laughing. "While I was in the shower, I thought about the dream. 'Damn walls.' That was the key. In the beginning of our partnership we erected these walls, physical and emotional ones. It was for our own safety. It didn't pay to get too close to someone. I like to think that in five years I have made some of her walls crumble. God knows she has with mine. No matter, I still have walls to get over. I think the dream was telling me that if I didn't breach these walls soon, she would leave; vanish out of my life. I couldn't let this happen. I had to start chipping away at these remaining walls. And I decided to put this plan into action as soon as possible. "This was the state of mind in which I was in when I went to work. It was time to start the day." Mulder walked towards his office with a smile on his face. It was a smile of eager anticipation with a touch of nervousness. He was facing uncharted territory. Oh, he had flirted with his partner before; tossed around a couple of sexual innuendoes. But they had all come naturally and spontaneously, without a thought towards them. Just part of their conversation. There had never been a plan behind them. Or, at least, not one of this great an importance. Usually, he just wanted to elicit a smile from her or cause her to respond with her own witty comment. Even a raised eyebrow was reason enough to continue his teasing. This time his goal was for her remaining walls to crumble. To accomplish this he was going to have to overstep some boundaries. Anything could happen. No amount of FBI training was going to help him with the danger he was going to encounter. It was still early and the basement office was empty. This gave Mulder the opportunity to sit down and contemplate what the hell he was doing. Unfortunately, his time alone was short lived. Scully walked in ten minutes later. She greeted Mulder who was leaning back in his chair with his legs propped up on the desk and a look of distance on his face. He was most definitely not in this office at the moment. She sat down and immediately noticed what he had failed to miss when he first came into the office. The mound of paperwork. With a groan of disgust she flipped through the papers and gave him his share of the work. Only when she threw the papers onto his lap did he look up and acknowledge her presence. He had been too caught up in his thoughts to even realize she had entered. Still not completely with it, he mumbled an apology, brought his legs off the desk and got set to work. At least an hour and a half had passed in utter silence and complete concentration. Mulder still had no idea how he was going to begin his plan. Maybe it was the office that was causing this creativity block. He was just about to get up and get himself a cup of coffee when he felt the atmosphere of the room change. Somehow he knew Scully was about to speak. He just knew. He saw her put a piece of paper on top of a growing pile of papers and just as he had predicted, she spoke. "Mulder, do you enjoy crossing the lines?" She was irritated. Of this he had no doubt. With a flash of inspiration he suddenly knew how he was going to turn this situation to his advantage. With her emotions slightly exposed, it shouldn't be that difficult to shift them around a little. He pretended to ponder this question for a couple of seconds, then Mulder stood up and leaned over the desk. A look of uncertainty crossed Scully's face as he inched closer and closer towards her face. When he was close enough to feel her breath mingle with his in the small amount of air between them, he made direct eye contact with her and said in a voice he hoped was at least slightly arousing, "I don't cross the lines. I just move them. And I only do that when there is something rewarding on the other side." He gave her a complete but very rare smile and walked out of the office. "And that was how this little game began. A game with high risks and even higher rewards. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I got a response out of Scully. I saw it in her eyes and the way her breathing patterns changed ever so slightly. God, the way her eyes changed color that quickly when I drew closer towards her nearly made me forget my original plan. Granted, the change was barely noticeable to the untrained eye. She tried to hide this reaction. Her face as a whole remained neutral in expression. Never one to show emotions. But I saw the change. Luckily, I'm trained in the ways of Dana Scully. Now whether or not this response was positive or negative, I had no way of knowing at the time. It was a risk I had to take. I came back from getting my coffee to find that she was still in the office working. She hadn't left. Things seemed to be just as they were before my actions earlier. I hadn't offended her in any way. I was getting somewhere, though I was a long way from my ultimate goal. It was time to up the stakes. Little did I know my partner had a few aces up her sleeve, though I should have never put it past her. Never underestimate your opponent. This game was no longer just mine to play." Mulder and Scully were still hard at work completing the forms when twelve o'clock rolled around. Although, truth be told, Scully was probably doing more work and actually completing some of the reports. Mulder, on the other hand, was completely absorbed in his thoughts only occasionally coming out of his revere to do a little work. The paperwork hardly demanded his complete attention. He had far more pressing issues in which to deal that required his complete attention. But he had to maintain the facade of "working hard" or she would sense something was amiss and then the "gig" would be up. He didn't want her to discover his ulterior plan for coming into work today. Not yet at least. Mulder looked at his watch and saw that it was a little after twelve. If he knew Scully half as much as he thought he did, he knew she would be taking her lunch break pretty soon. He better start "working" again. He was not disappointed. Quarter after twelve, Scully started gathering her things and placing them into her briefcase. Mulder hoped he depicted an agent hard at work and wholly immersed in the reports he was supposedly completing. He wanted his partner to think he was focused on the work at hand and oblivious to the fact that she was leaving for lunch. But nothing could be further from the truth. He was completely aware of every move Scully made. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Scully grab her pen off her desk and stand up. Don't even ask, Scully. Food is the farthest thing from my mind, Mulder thought trying to silently communicate this to her. He knew this was useless, though. Not just because of his lack of telepathic abilities. He knew she would ask anyway because, well because she was Scully. "Mulder, I'm going to get some lunch. Want me to bring you back anything?" Mulder fought back instinct to answer back immediately. Act distracted and distant. Her pen dropped. Her pen dropped and rolled right next to his leg. Interesting. OK, dropping a pen is not at all that unusual. Just a slip of the fingers. Happens all the time. But this didn't feel like a simple accident. Call it instinct. Call it paranoia. Whatever, the situation seemed too contrived. But would Scully really operate that way? Hmmmm, he better answer her question. Without even looking up from the paperwork, he responded, "No thanks. I'll just grab something later." There, that seemed distant enough, he thought. Hard at work. Completely unaware that Scully seems to be coming closer to me. Coming closer to me?!?! Mulder saw her walk to the side of the desk and bend down right next to him. What the hell was she doing?? Well, it was obvious that she was picking up her pen. But was that all? She was too close and too in control. Here she was calmly retrieving her pen, and he was practically shaking in the chair. He couldn't think properly. He was gripping his pen so tightly he thought it would break in half. But something stopped him from letting her know he was watching. Curiosity and anticipation. Will she just pick up her pen and leave, or will she make the most of her crouching position? Mulder was not disappointed. He felt her breath through his pant leg to his leg. The hairs on his leg were practically leaping off his skin. Anything to get closer to the sweet air coming from Scully. He was tense beyond belief. He couldn't take it anymore. That was when he felt the touch. Granted it was her pen, but she was touching; holding the pen. An indirect touch from Scully was good enough-for now. The initial touch brought an involuntary twitch to his leg muscle. He had been holding his breath the whole time, and yet he was still able to draw in one last quick intake of breath. And that was it. Mulder forgot how to breathe. Her pen was slowly, methodically, purposely making a path up his leg. Even if he wanted to, he was powerless to stop her. Lack of oxygen can do that to a person. Of course, if he had been breathing, he probably would have missed the seductive whispering of Scully in his ear when she had straightened. "Sorry." When she finally walked out of the basement office, he practically slumped down on his desk. Mulder was almost hyperventilating trying to breathe again. What the hell had he gotten himself into? "Her retaliation was not exactly in my original plans. And even if I could have foretold her revenge, I definitely never would have anticipated something like that. Scully had never really played my game before. I'm not sure whether I should be relieved or disappointed. She's good. She managed to reduce me to a quivering pile of goo with just a touch of her pen and a seductive apology. I've never been able to do that to her. Not even close. Well, maybe it's just because she is better at keeping her emotions hidden behind those damn walls of hers-the same walls I was in the middle of trying to knock down. I'm sure Scully never could have predicted that her vengeance actually aided in my quest. It added fuel to the fire that was already burning inside of me. It gave me another reason to keep on playing. She was not only good at the game I had started so many years ago, she was also better at it then the creator. At least she thought she was, and that would never do. The stakes were raised but the goal remained the same. It was time to knock her off her professional butt and let her start feeling. And I had no idea how I was going to do it. Mulder sat in his chair slumped across his desk with his head on his hands trying to regain some semblance to a normal breathing pattern for a good five minutes. When he felt confident in his ability to lift up his head from the desk, he did just that and promptly slumped down in his chair instead. What had he gotten himself into, indeed. OK, her decision to play along put a slight kink in his original plans, but it wasn't anything that he couldn't handle. All he had to do was make a few revisions in his game plan and he'd be back in business. Nope, no problem here. The problem was his reaction towards Scully's participation in the events. He was completely unprepared for her retaliation and therefore his guard was down when she decided that a pay back was in due. Instead of her, Mulder was left to clean up the mess of a crumbled wall. And he wasn't left with many standing. The worst part was the fact that Scully was a witness to this and now had the upper hand. She completely turned the tables around which ultimately put her in control. Usually, this control was what saved them during particularly dangerous situations. This time there was no way he could allow her to maintain this control. It was crucial to his plan that she be vulnerable enough so that his actions would warrant an honest reaction from her. So now his plan included a little side note in the margins: always be in control. He sat for a few more minutes in the chair pondering this new and slightly disturbing situation when he came to a sudden realization. He was over thinking this whole thing. Spontaneity was more his style. He came up with his best-or, according to Scully, his most outrageous-ideas on the spot. The ability to do such usually unnerved his partner, and his ideas rarely focused on her. She'll never know what hit her if he used this "skill" on a case as complex as she was. Or, at least, that's what he was hoping. All Mulder had to do was find a way to clear his mind of this morning's events. With the prediction of inclement weather from the meteorologist this morning, running was out. He didn't want to have to explain to Scully his sudden need to run in the rain. Plus he had no desire to fight off pneumonia-again. So he turned to his second passion: swimming. He wrote a quick note to Scully explaining where he was (God knows he didn't need another lecture) and left the office in the direction of the pool. Upon reaching the pool locker room, he headed straight for his locker. How long had it been since he was last here? Couldn't have been more than a month. Considering his busy life, that wasn't as bad as it sounded. He took his swimming trunks and towel out of the locker after opening it and proceeded to change. He hadn't seen his Speedo in years and to this day, had no idea what had happened to it. He would have to settle for the more modest swimming attire. Though not as streamlined, it did it's job. Mulder wasn't looking for style and efficiency, anyway. He just needed to clear his head. Once changed, he left the locker room and headed towards the pool. Mulder wasn't surprised to be the only one dwelling in the pool area this afternoon. After all, it was lunch time. Most normal people were, in fact, at lunch. Sometimes he prided himself on his nonconformist ways. This time it granted him a place with no obvious distractions. Mulder assessed the "enemy" before dropping his towel and getting into the pool. The pool was obviously well maintained for it was clean, clear and kept at a refreshing 80 degrees. Perfect. He dropped himself into the pool and set to work. Swimming is an exercise of repetitious patterns designed so that your mind can shut down to all things except stroking, kicking and breathing. You can lose yourself in the complete simpleness of it all. Which was how Mulder found himself still swimming fifteen minutes later without a break. He would have still been oblivious to the pain that was slowly but surely creeping up his muscles if he hadn't heard a noise. You can never entirely shut down a paranoid mind like his. During the whole time that he was swimming, he had been completely, though subconsciously aware of his surrounding. He had definitely heard a noise. During his lap back, Mulder chanced a few glances at the newcomer. Luckily, the chlorine in the pool never really bothered his eyes and he was able to get a pretty good picture without the burning sensation. Red hair. Briefcase. High heels. Scully. Interesting. He turned around one more time to finish his last lap and to satisfy his curiosity as to why his partner was here. With the lap finished he raised his head and was honestly surprised at what was in his line of vision. Scully leg. And in his opinion, a whole lot of it. He followed the leg up to where it made a complete picture of Scully-looking down at him. What an imposing figure she made. Good thing Mulder wasn't easily imposed. Keep it cool. Keep it light. "Care to join me?" he asked. "No thank-you. I forgot to bring my bathing suit this morning," she answered. This reply was accompanied with a small but honest smile. Her decision not to join him didn't surprise him one bit. He wouldn't know what he would do if she actually took him up on one of his bizarre offers that he was always throwing at Scully. But, since it hasn't happened yet, he figured he was in the clear and therefore it was safe to continue proposing these sexually laced ideas. What intrigued him was her attempt to keep this subject open by explaining her reasons as to why she couldn't join him. It wasn't often that he got a verbal response after one of his offers that didn't allow her to change subjects-or, more accurately, get them back on the original one. And a smile. A rare occurrence indeed. She wanted to play. He didn't want to disappoint her. Mulder decided to figure out his limits. "That's OK. You can skinny dip. I don't mind," he replied devilishly. Scully just stood there, unblinking. Absolutely no reaction. Her smile gone. The humor in her eyes disappeared. In place was her mask specially reserved for these particular types of Mulder comments. Bingo! He found his limit. Took a little longer this time, but he managed to unearth it yet again. So his fun was done for the time being. That's fine. He could be serious. Especially because he wanted to know the answer to a certain question that had been in his head since he first saw her here. "So, why are you here, Scully?" The slight moment of panic that ran across her face piqued Mulder's curiosity. It was gone before he could blink again, but he knew he saw it. She didn't know the answer herself. Perhaps this really was the $64,000 question. "I came to see if you had eaten anything yet." Her answer wasn't followed by nervous laughter or a shifting of the eyes. No. Scully was never that easy to read. Maybe if he was half asleep it would have slipped by his notice, but today was a day he couldn't afford to be off the ball. Too much was on the line. He knew she was lying, or at least not telling him the complete truth. So why was she here, and why did she lie? Mulder decided to call her on this lie, but at the same time let her go-for now. He felt he couldn't exactly have a serious conversation with her while he was still in the pool. "I'm surprised, Scully. You know you can't eat before swimming." He lifted himself out of the pool right beside Scully and went to fetch his towel to dry off. He was half tempted to turn around and ask her if she enjoyed the view but managed to withhold his comment. He had filled his "sexual comment" quota for awhile. If he had turned around, he would have noticed Scully walking towards him, heading for the door to leave. As it was, Mulder only had time to react when he saw in his peripheral vision her walking by him. He grabbed her arm. POW! An idea. Their touch, while always electrifying, also proved to be inspirational. He was going to push her in the pool. That's nuts!, one might exclaim. Well, most of his spontaneous ideas were-to other people. To Mulder, it made perfect sense-sort of. He wasn't going to seriously push her in, just lead her in the direction of the pool and cause her to loose her balance. That way one really couldn't place all the blame at his feet. Besides, once she was in, he was going back in himself. She's been wet before. Memories of their first case came to mind. She wouldn't really be mad at him. Not seriously anyway. In fact, he may even get her to have a little fun. He was counting on it. Scully having fun meant certain barriers were down. Emotions were more likely to be shown. His plan could continue. Well, that and it was compensation for what she did this afternoon. "Hey, where are you going so soon?" he asked. "What do you mean where am I going? I'm going back to the office." A snappish Scully. That could work to his advantage. If she was too wrapped up in her anger, it would be easier to distract her from his actions. And this also meant her emotional wall was already down. All he'd have to do is turn her negative feelings into positive ones. Now to distract her. What a perfect time to bring back some particular issues. "You never did tell me what you were doing here. I know it wasn't to check my health and well being though I am touched that you would care," he said with a smile. "But I am glad you are here because it gives us a chance to clear up a few things between us." He saw Scully looking around. There's no one here but us, he thought. No one's gonna help you get out of this one. So what do you say? Are you going to accept my challenge? She put down her briefcase. Of course she was going to accept. And thank god for that. That was one of the key factors in his plan. She had to be willing to participate. Even if she had no idea of the game. "It's about today," Mulder continued as he guided her unknowingly towards the pool. "Scully, it's my game and my rules, and you didn't play fairly. And when one breaks the rules, one must face the consequences." It was too perfect. She had no idea what was to come. Once he was as close to the pool as he dared to be, he nudged her slightly causing her to loose her balance. She reached out and grabbed him trying to regain her balance. He wasn't prepared for Scully's last attempt to stay out of the pool. He fell in with her. SPLASH! Well, that was an interesting turn of events. If nothing else, Mulder learned that short term schemes could be rewritten, and quite quickly. Scully resurfaced and all Mulder saw was hair and wet clothes. Clinging, wet clothes. It was all he could do not to reach out to her in a most primitive way. He needed another outlet for these sudden surge of feelings. Laughter. He knew it wasn't right to laugh and tried to contain himself before she got all the hair out of her face and saw him. A smile was all he could reduce his condition to. She was not pleased. It showed in her eyes and her stance. In fact, it looked like she was about to kill him. And Mulder knew she could. Oh, this wasn't good. If only he hadn't laughed. Damn his hormones. She took a step forward. He took a step back. They continued this dance until he could feel the cement digging into his back. Dead end. Mulder was honestly frightened. Scully proceed to walk towards him until she was practically flush against him. If he wasn't so afraid of what she would do, he would have definitely enjoyed their close proximity. "Why did you throw me in the pool?" she asked calmly. A little too calmly if you asked him. Well, you can't exactly go for honesty with this one, now can you Mulder, he thought. Maybe you can get yourself off the hook. Go for humor. "You looked warm. I thought you might need to cool down." OK, so it wasn't funny. It could still get him out of this situation. Yeah, right. She wasn't buying it. Try something else. "I told you already. You broke one of the rules, and that was the consequence." It was lame. He knew it was lame. But he just wasn't ready for the truth. "Well, I don't appreciate being thrown in the pool for someone else's obvious enjoyment," Scully said and walked away from him. Mulder knew that crisp tone. She was hurt and was dismissing him. He really didn't intend to hurt her. That was just something he couldn't stand. He had to fix things. "Hey, Scully. Wait," he said coming up behind her and putting his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sor-" The next thing Mulder knew he was at the bottom of the pool. How did this happen? He resurfaced intending to get her take on the proceeding events. What he saw confused the hell out of him. Scully was laughing uncontrollably, practically in hysterics. This wasn't his partner. He didn't know who this was, and he certainly didn't know how to handle her. He chuckled slightly to cover his discomfort. She stopped laughing in a bit. She paused to dry her eyes before she looked up him. "Are you OK, Scully?" "I'm fine." And the funny thing was that, in Mulder's eyes, she really did look fine. "I really am sorry that I pushed you in the pool." "I know you are. It's OK though. Maybe I needed to 'cool down' after all." They both smiled. Only Scully forgive him and manage to make him smile all in one breath. He still didn't feel better about what he did. He grossly misjudged both of their reactions, and that's what got him in trouble. "I'm sorry I knocked you down," she continued. "'Knocked down'? Scully, you slammed me," Mulder said teasingly. "You shouldn't apologize though. I deserved it. But you didn't deserve what I did to you. I know you forgave me but I still feel awful." "Don't worry about it. It's in the past." "The past." Mulder sighed sadly. Too much was in the past. Time to bring things into the present. Including his reasons for pushing her in the pool. "Why I pushed you in the pool, I don't know." He shook his head. He couldn't lie and dismiss it like this and he couldn't tell her the truth. So, instead of going with the truth, he was going to give her the next best thing. It would be a reason, just not the complete one. If she could do it, so could he. "Yes I do. What you did in the office today, well, you know," he said cryptically. "I just couldn't handle the...my reactions. You aren't supposed to do things like that. I was angry and confused and felt I had to get even." His declaration was followed by an uncomfortable silence along with Scully's sudden need to straighten up. This, of course, brought Mulder back to his earlier observations. Scully. Wet clothes. Scully in wet, clinging clothes. This time his primal need to go to her could not be stopped. He saw her searching for her cross and decided to "help." "Let me," he said. He reached behind her and stuck his hand down her blouse to get her cross. All he felt was soft, soft skin. It consumed him. It was all he was aware of. He had to get out of this dangerous territory before he violated her and her trust for him. The cross located, he twisted it around to the front and dropped it where it belonged. Mulder sensed she was going to leave. She couldn't. He had to keep her here. He couldn't allow them to leave things like this. He had to resolve things. And not just for his plan to knock down her walls, for their sanity as well. "Wait." It came out like a plea; almost painful in delivery. "Wait," he repeated softly. Scully's eyes located and locked to his. All he saw was blue. That same blue color that he saw this morning when he started this game, only this was much more pronounced. So much more powerful. He opened his mouth to reveal the complete truth to her but decided against it. Actions speak louder than words. Mulder lifted his wet hand and brushed a stubborn lock of hair out of Scully's face and tucked it behind her ear. His hand lingered beside her check, and she leaned into it. Her soft skin was also unbelievably warm. She was aroused by this, by what he was doing. This gave him the confidence to move on. Action! Action! Action! Conscience! Damn! What he was about to do was completely selfish in nature. He was only thinking of what he wanted. He didn't know if Scully wanted this to happen. Not truly anyway. She may want him to take action now, but she may not be ready for what was sure to follow. Just like he felt he needed her wall to come down to keep her, she may need that same wall up to keep herself. It would take every ounce of will power he possessed, but he had to stop this. Mulder's hand caressed her check and left her side completely. He broke the spell between them by saying hoarsely, "We better be getting back to the office." He cleared his throat and walked away from Scully to the side of the pool. He lifted himself out of the pool, found his towel, and walked back into the locker room. "I hated to leave things like they were, but I knew it wouldn't have been right to continue. It can't happen until we are both wanting the same things. Not only the action but the repercussions as well. It hadn't even occurred to me until that moment that she may not be ready. When clarity came, it came hard. I guess I should glad that it came at all. "I was not looking forward to going back to the office. Things were left unsaid and undone. The office was bound to be covered in a thick veil of awkwardness and I was dreading it." Mulder sat in his chair thinking. He had changed quickly to ensure that he was in the office before Scully. He really didn't want to discuss what happened in the pool-hell, the whole morning. He needed to clear things up in his head before he decided to venture down that avenue again. And if he knew his partner like he thought he did, his wish would come true. She wouldn't want to talk about it any more than he did. He decided he might as well actually get some work done. He needed to feel like he accomplished something today. Plus, this was not the time nor the place to be reviewing the events of the last few hours. So what else was there to do? Mulder had just started working on his part of the paperwork when Scully walked in. She was in, what Mulder recognized as, her spare change of clothing and looked much drier-even her hair. He pretended not to notice her arrival. If he didn't acknowledge her presence, she wouldn't acknowledge his. And if they could keep this up the rest of the day, it increased the chances of his wish coming true. He'd do anything to make the odds better. They worked in complete verbal silence for a couple hours. He didn't even know the time. He needed to know the time. Mulder looked at his wrist. No watch. Where was his watch? OK, when was the last time he saw his watch? Could have been a few hours. Could have been a few days. He just didn't know. He started rummaging around his desk drawers on the off chance that he stuck it in one of them. Hey, you just never knew. He couldn't find it anywhere, and it was frustrating the hell out of him. "Mulder, what are you looking for?" He looked up at her, surprised that she was no longer working. The sounds of his search must have been really disturbing for Scully to break their silence. "My watch. I had it; now I don't." Scully got up out of her chair and stretched, almost catlike in nature. "You probably left it in the locker room." That was it! He left it in his locker when he got changed. He hated wearing a watch while swimming. If he wore one, he would constantly feel the urge to know the time. It would ruin his exercise program. Aloud he said, "The locker room. Of course. Oh, I love you Scully." He then got up and jogged out of the office. Only when he closed the door did he realize what he had said. "I love her. Of course I love her. I didn't lie to her. That's not the point. The point is that, while I may not be the most romantic guy in the world, I do believe in romance. And that was not the romantic way I had intended to tell her. I definitely did not want to drop it on her like that. If there is a worse time and place and way to declare one's love for another, I surely don't know it. "She was most definitely not ready to hear that. And I thought I was not ready to say that to her. I guess it was just the day and all that had happened. That final wall of mine finally fell, and it fell down right on top of me. "Knowing Scully, she is going to-or has already-analyze it into the ground. `Did he really mean what he said?' `Does he really love me?' `Was he just caught up in the moment?' (yeah, right) `Do I love him?' "That's right. She's going to analyze her feelings for me and come to the conclusion that she doesn't love me. At least not in the way I want her to. So where does that leave us? I could live with just her love as a friend. But could she live being around me and constantly wondering what this touch and this look and this comment really meant? Of course not. So is she going bring up this subject and find out what all this means or is she just going to ignore this whole day and let the events fester until neither of us can't stand it any more and one of us explodes from the tension. Sometimes explosions could be good. Unfortunately, Scully and I have only encountered the negative ones, which leads me to believe that one could only cause harm. I may have lost Scully, and I only have my *brilliant* plan to blame. "This whole day has made me exhausted though I doubt I will get any sleep. Hopefully by the morning, I will have found the best way to confront Scully. It's now my only hope to keep her." If Mulder had bothered to get up and turn off the fish tank light, he would have seen a smaller goldfish swimming out from inside the castle to join the lone fish. The End *All right. That's it folks. I hope you enjoyed this little trip down fanfic lane. Feedback is, of course, much appreciated. E-Mail me at DanaNFox@aol.com and mbacon@wam.umd.edu I don't know whether I'll be at home or college if you decide to send feedback. So, just to be safe, use both addresses. We now return you to your regularly scheduled lives already in progress.*