From: "Ijul St. Zuraida" Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 22:41:08 +0700 Subject: Fanfic: Contemplation Source: direct Title: Contemplation Author: Ijul Zuraida at ijul35@yahoo.com Keywords: MSRelationship, Scully Angst, Scully POV, V/R/A Spoiler: Through Season 1 until Season 7 just before Mulder is MIA and Scully finds out she's pregnant. So I guess the second-half part of Requiem is not included. This contemplation takes place sometime in the beginning of Requiem. Preferably when Scully is in a journey to or from a location of an X-File case. Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Production, and Fox TV Network. I simply give these wonderful characters what is not written, but IMO strongly implied...hehehe..., on TV screen. No infringement intended. Archive: Anywhere, but you gotta lemme know first. :) Rating: G, I suppose. Hey, I'm really not familiar with the whole rating thing, especially the American way... :D But I am pretty sure that my fanfic here doesn't contain slightest bit of foul language or suggestive scene. Summary: Scully looks back and thinks over the past 7 years, especially about Mulder and her and their relationship. ********************************************************************** I loved Mulder. I've always loved Mulder. I still do. My best friend, my confidante, my light, my protector. Someone I'd die for, someone who'd die for me. I even honestly believe he is my soulmate. We are soulmates. We both know that. Seven years of working together, of sharing our life together, of sharing our world together... heck at least big portions of them, because certainly our life and world mainly consist of the X-Files. The X-Files has consumed our life. It sucked me. It certainly sucked Mulder. Beyond his realization perhaps. But I don't regret it. I never did. It's all worth it. If I had to walk the path again, I would. No regrets. I don't feel sorry for Mulder either. I understand his obsessions with it. I was glad he found the truth about Samantha and I prayed he finally found peace at mind. He did, I guess, but only when it concerned Samantha. He began to develop a whole bigger obsession with this all. I didn't buy these unexplained cases at first. There must be scientific reasons behind it all, so I thought. Along the course of time, I started to accept the paranormal, scientifically-unexplainable phenomena. I've witnessed with my own eyes things I cannot explain, I cannot believe. Things I don't want to believe, actually. But it's there, so to save myself from a never-ending confusion which might lead to total insanity, I learn to accept it and live with it. Try to forget each case every time. When a case is done and the field report is submitted, I try to put it behind my mind and shut it up for eternity so I can move on with the sanity I still have left, or so I think. As for the aliens, ufos, conspiracy, evil syndicate or consortium, or whatever the name is, I never wanted to accept them as facts. Sure I've been through hell with the abduction and the whole other things Mulder and I have experienced. My life feels like a wicked nightmare. God knows how I live my life each day with the knowledge and the constant fear. But deep down inside my heart, I sincerely hope and pray the same pray that the whole things are not really what they seem. I secretly hope and pray each morning that the aliens, or alien bounty hunters or whatever they are, if they truly exist and are not just a man-made game plot with God knows what purpose, are not doing any harm to us, that they are here just to make friends, and they would decide to leave one day in peace never to return. Sometime I feel so helpless and frustrated, knowing that they are here to invade us and take over control. What will become of us then? Sometimes it feels like the whole knowledge is a fake, like it's not real. Somehow I know that's silly to think it not real because it's all too painful for me not to be real. Too much has happened to Mulder and me, to people around us, people we love. How can I not believe it? Yet, despite the poster in the basement space, I do not want to believe. How funny can that be? Looking at the poster for seven years should have had my brain washed by now. The reality lies right there before my very eyes. Yet, deep down inside I refuse to believe in it. Refuse to give in to the reality. Despite what happened to me, or Mulder, or any other people I know, personally or from the files, I find myself keep hoping for the best...for the better...for a good ending out of it all. Seven years is a long time. It changed me, completely, along with each person I crossed path with in the last seven long years. And Mulder was always there. He's been there right from the very beginning. We quickly learned that we can count on each other. We trust each other. In any situation, in any condition. We developed a certain way of communication. Sometimes verbal language is not necessary anymore. Gestures are something we've been communicating by at certain times. We've been through a lot together. Working closely with someone makes you know what's inside your partner's head and heart, especially when working is living for both of you. Nobody matters most but your partner. So I had a little crush on him when I first met him. It quickly fade out. I was so young and na=EFve. Then after a couple of years working with him, I seriously felt a romantic love for him. I began to expect more of him. I never told him. I know he knew. I know he knew that I knew that. Like I said, sometimes we don't need verbal language. And somehow I feel secure that way. We have this bond. I know that. A complete stranger can see us side by side and will notice that too. That's enough for me. I was in love with him in an untimely time. He loved me then, too. I knew. But I knew it was not the kind of love I expected him to return me. But still I was in love with him for a long time. He has been much nicer and kindler and gentler to me ever since. He would look at me with a tender, affectionate look in his eyes. I'm a regular woman. I want to have it all. But I can also see when a love is unrequited. That Fowley woman had me boiled inside. Though I was dying inside, I learned to accept things and let it go. He's not the one. He will never be. Farewell my unrequited love. That happened a couple of years back. Romantic love slowly transformed into plain love. I don't care what its name anymore, sisterly love, friendship love, whatever. I know our love goes beyond it all. I still love him. He still loves me. Our love is pure, honest and simple. It's sacred. It grew stronger each time. Whenever I reach for him, he is be there, to catch my fall, to catch my tears, to comfort me, to ease my pain, to make me stronger, to give back my faith. I do the same for him. I'll given up my life for him, I'll go through hell and rescue him, I'll go to the core of Earth and face the ordeal for him. I'll do anything...anything at all for him. He'll do the same for me. Walking seven years of pure insanity, constant fear, complete madness, on this Earth with nobody but your partner and very few real friends is a horrendous task. I managed to go through that everyday. We managed to do that. He is my source of strength as I am to him. We convince each other that everything is okay. It will be okay. We've been through a lot. Seven long years. Nothing can change the love and the bond we have together. We've been more than partners, more than lovers. More than sister and brother. More than the best of bestfriends. We're still going to fight the future together. I loved Mulder. I've always loved Mulder. I still do. My best friend, my confidante, my light, my protector. Someone I'd die for, someone who'd die for me. I even honestly believe he is my soulmate. We are soulmates. We both know that. ********************************************************************** Jakarta, Midnight Between 2-3 June 2001 Author's Note: This contemplation takes place sometime in the beginning of Requiem. Preferably when Scully is in a journey to or from a location of an X-File case. I've been thinking of writing fanfic for a long time. This is my very first real fanfic. Don't be too hard on me, okay?! I chose to write an X-File fanfic since I really like this series. In Indonesia, when I wrote this, Invocation was just aired last Wednesday. Sure, I read all the spoilers. And messages in different sites. I waited for Season 8 with hopeful anticipation. And I anticipated with gusto that I would like the new character, Doggett. Little did I knew that I would grow to really fond of him. I really love this Doggett guy. I think Scully belongs with him. So I fell the need to write a prelude to their relationship, hopefully a romance, between them. BTW, I used to be a shipper though. And I am still...but this time between Doggett and Scully....hehhehe... Please be informed that English is a foreign language to me, so kindly bear with my inevitable improper use of words or diction. Please kindly give feedback to me. Flames will be appreciated but maybe not replied to...hehehheh... Besides, does anyone sending flames ever expect to get a reply?? :D Anyway, mucho thanks for reading.