From: Austin E Date: 15 Aug 2000 22:41:12 GMT Subject: *New* The Conversation 1/2 Title: The Conversation Author: A. Sedward Rating: PG-13 Category: Crossover/Humor Synopsis: Mulder. Bond. A bar. Keywords: X-files/James Bond crossover M/S UST Disclaimer: Mulder belongs to 1013, fox, and whomever else. James Bond is the creation of Ian Fleming and is owned by EON Productions. Spoilers: The story is set directly after The World is Not Enough and before Sein Und Zeit. As a result, everything in that movie is eventually discussed. I spoil the hell out of seasons 1-7/FTF anyway. Plenty of references. Feedback: AustinE@aol.com Posting: Anybody who wants it can post this oddity. I don't care. Authors Notes:For those who are wondering, I'm writing this with no real facts. I know enough continuity to get by. If I get a few Bond errors, with 19 films, a lot of details can slip one's mind. As a result, I'm keeping to the newer films, although the truly classic things come up. And one waring, anybody seeking action, move on out. We're in The Iceman Cometh territory here. I also use unidentified dialogue a lot. Trust me, it's better than Mulder said/Bond said ad nauseaum. ------------------ WASHINGTON D.C. 9:00 PM The Watering Hole was a nice place to go when everybody you knew was out of town, Fox Mulder reflected as he entered the bar he'd visited every so often. It was hardly Cheers, but the agent didn't care. With Scully at her mother's and the Lone Gunmen at some convention, it was odd to actually want company after avoiding it for so long. Behind Mulder, another man entered. Unlike the somewhat pathetic appearence of Mulder, the man was the model of class. His dark hair was neatly trimmed and his casual wear clearly cost more than the average suit. If Mulder carried himself in a slumped manner, the man had perfect posture and walked with a confident step. Mulder slid onto a stool. He had been so busy lately, it was a wonder he actually was free. The bartender, a woman, walked over. "I'll have a Budweiser," Mulder said. "I'll have a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred." The man said in a decidedly Britsh accent. Mulder turned to him. It was odd to hear that kind of a request in this type of place. The bartender took the orders and left. "Odd choice," Mulder said to the man, who was seated next to him. "I can't stand beer. I say, if you're getting drunk, do it with class," The man said, his voice high spirited. "I'm not a big drinker. I guess I just ordered as not to raise a scene. A non-drinker might be crucified in this place," Mulder said. "Ever had vodka?" The man inquired. "Can't say I have," Mulder admitted. The man flagged down the bartender and ordered Mulder a martini done like his. "They're wonderful. A bit more expensive than a beer, but worth it," The man said. "How much?" Mulder asked. He hadn't intended on paying a lot for liquor. "It's on me." The man extended his hand. "Name's Bond, James Bond." Mulder took the man's hand. "Fox Mulder. Nice to meet you." The men shook and returned their attention to the bar. "What's your occupation, Fox?" Bond asked. Mulder winced as he heard his first name. In addition to all the awful acts his father had committed, Mulder got his first name from his father. "First, just call me Mulder. I hate my name. Second, I'm an FBI agent. I work in supernatural investigations. What do you do, Jim?" Bond winced at the mutilation of his first name. "James, please. I work with Imperial Exports." Mulder laughed as he heard the term. "MI6? I have a few hacker friends who broke in to their system. I know the cover terms," Mulder said to the visible dismay of Bond. "You've got me. I'm with MI6. Just came off of a mission. Figured I'd come to the States for a holiday." "Not the town to do it in. You're in the most violent city in the U.S. right now. Can't imagine dodging bullets to be relaxing." "You'd be surprised. I'm on my way to Vegas in the morning. Just felt like checking on a few contacts in D.C." The bartender set the drinks in front of the men. They took the drinks and brought them to their lips. Mulder had to admit the drink was quite pleasing. "Damn, this is good." Mulder said, the statement out of character for the agent. "It's well made. I've had some that were quite awful." Bond said. Mulder nodded as he imbibed the drink. When he was fnished, he turned back to the spy. "So, you're checking on contacts here?" Mulder asked. "Yes. I'm also finalizing some paperwork from my last mission. The usual report." Bond said, gaining a look of recognition from Mulder. "I hate reports. Most dull aspect of the job." "Indeed. What's bad about them is that some things are hard to justify on the expense report. I destroyed a car, wrecked a pair of hi-tech glasses, and lost a few other items," Bond said. "Sounds bad" "The glasses alone cost 1000 dollars. I have to explain why they were in my pocket when I was underwater." "Why were they?" "I grabbed whatever I could find when I was leaving the hotel. I had to find my boss and try to save her life. What minor items were in my pocket didn't matter." Bond's matter of fact manner stunned Mulder. The guy clearly had an interesting tale. "Explain that one." "My boss was kidnapped by an oil heiress who wanted to control Turkey's oil supply. She decided to kill a few folks as well. Her plan was to cause a nuclear accident destroying a pipeline and making it so that her line would be the only way for oil to be disributed. She kidnapped my boss to distract me from her plan. Even had it so I had to choose. In the end, I killed the heiress, helped my boss escape and foiled the plan," Bond said. Mulder was stunned, and for good reason. Traditionally, he had the strangest story. Bond had stolen that prize tonight. "The heiress? Was that that King woman who was found dead?" Mulder was surprised he even recalled the story. It had run in the newspaper. "Yes. Elektra King. Truly a stunning woman. She was absolutely mad, but a very beautiful woman nonetheless." "Sounds like you knew her." "My initial assignment was to guard her from an assassain who turned out to be her lover. I did indeed spend a lengthy period of time in her presence. It was time I'd gladly take back." "You weren't, I guess the proper term is intimate, with her, were you?" Mulder asked. It was a stupid question, but he had asked worse in his day. "I was indeed. I won't elaborate, but if I'm revealing information soon to be classified, who I sleep with looks fairly minor in comparison." "About the car," Mulder said, switching subjects. "Sliced in half by a tree trimmer. That ought to be well received by the finance department," Bond said. The look on Mulder's face was one of recognition. "I've written reports where I had to justify a trip to Antarctica. A car's fairly minor." Bond's attention was immediately piqued by this one. From austine@aol.com Mon Aug 28 09:39:11 2000 Date: 15 Aug 2000 22:42:25 GMT From: Austin E Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: *New* The Conversation 2/2 (all info in part 1) "Antarctica? Why?" "My partner was kidnapped by a group out to see to it that aliens control the Earth. I found her and was able to save her, but it was close." Mulder's dryness was equal to Bond's. "Aliens?" "As I said, I work in a special branch of the FBI. I investigate the supernatural. Aliens come up in the day to day work." "And you've crossed a conspiracy?" "Sounds ridiculous, I know." "I'm in espionage. Conspiracies are routine. However, I've never heard of one involving aliens. "It's extremely covert." "Ah," Bond said. He wasn't quite sure he believed Mulder, but he accepted it anyway. "What's Antarctica like?" "Nice. Cold, but quite beautiful." "Never been. For some reason, the South Pole isn't the site of a lot of action. Maybe a mission will come along for it." "Who knows. Where have you worked?" Bond sighed. "Let's say everywhere and leave it at that. It actually has gotten boring to travel. A mission has to be good. Fortunately, megalomaniacs are fascinating.. I never really hit a dull point in my career." "Can't say the same. I worked in the bowels of the FBI for a time recently." "Why?" "Punishment." "For?" "Going to Antarctica." "A minor transgression like that? I'm stunned," Bond said, giving sarcasm a new level. Mulder laughed. "I had to run checks on people buying fertilizer! I had to deal with a man stealing money from people because he claimed to be a rainmaker. It was insulting." "Why were you brought back to the supernatural?" "The conspiracy needed a pawn. Not that I care. I love what I do. Might get injured, but it's in a day's work." "My attitude exactly. Sometimes pain can be rewarding. It's a reminder of our accomplishments." "You get injured a lot in espionage?" "A bit. It's often a wonder I'm not injured worse." "Closest call?" "Have you heard of the Millennium dome? It's near Greenwich." "Seen a few pictures." "I nearly fell off of the roof of it. A gutter broke my fall." Mulder winced. The very idea induced pain. "How did you get on top of it?" "I was chasing a woman with information pertaining to the dealings of Robert King, Elektra King's father." "Jesus! The most I do in pursuits is run. You're in good shape though." "I dislocated a collarbone in the fall." "How did you wind up back on active duty?" "I covinced the doctor I was in shape," Bond said straight faced. "How?" Mulder had a feeling he knew already. "I engaged in an endurance activity. Did well," Bond said, a sly grin on his face confirming how. "All of this was how long ago?" "About a week." "Damn. I've been on one date in 7 years. It was with a woman with vampire tendencies." "Can't say I've run into that before. I've dealt with killers quite often. No vampires." "The woman was insane, but a very attractive woman. I'm guessing like Elektra." "More like another woman, although we never were romantic. She killed men in the heat of lovemaking by crushing them to death with her thighs." "What a way to go." "Indeed. She tried to kill me, actually. She worked with my former partner, who had a complicated scheme involving a satellite that might corrupt western financial market. I was able to prevent that." "You had a partner who tried to kill you?" "Not really a partner, but a fellow SIS agent." "Been there. Guy named Alex Krycek." "Alec Trevelyan." The two men semi-laughed. The similarity of the names was not lost on them. "Alex is like a pest in my life. Just when I think he can't do enough harm, he returns." "I killed Alec. Or at least I sent him to fall to his death." "Wish I could do it to Krycek. But he's involved in a dangerous group. Someone else will do the task." "I guess the life of an FBI agent wouldn't allow it." "I can only fire in self defense." "Ethically, it's the same. But I'm licensed in killing. When the circumstances are questionable, I'm ok to shoot." "Would you kill an innocent man?" "Of course not. I'm not a bloodthirsty madman who's working as a spy because he likes to kill. I'm in it for the thrill." "I'm in my work for an answer." "An answer?" "My sister was taken away when I was young. I'm still seeking an honest answer as to what happened." The mood when significantly darker at this announcement. Bond struggled to find words. "I'm sorry." "It basically shattered my life. I tried to bury the paion. Went to college, became an expert in the field of criminal profiling, but one little hypnosis session..." Mulder purposefully let hhis sentence trail off. "So, you recovered memories that you'd repressed?" "Memories of my sister being abducted by aliens. It led me to the X-Files, my division." "That would affect a man. I'm sorry for your loss. I've lost a wife in my time. It's a living hell, isn't it?" "It's that indeed." Both men were silent for a long moment. "But, you're working to avenge what happened as well, aren't you?" "Indeed." "It's the best thing to do. I'm a full advocate of seeking justice. An eye for an eye." "Amen. It can be hard, but it's our natural instinct. My partner was in a situation recently where she had a chance to kill the man who kinapped her." "Did she?" "In my defense, but it was very therapeutic." "What's your partner like?" "She's amazing. Attractive, intelligent, an opposite of what I believe, but an incredible woman." "Sounds like you're a bit taken with her." "I am. Not that I'll act on it. We've got things too good now. But she's the one decent human being in my life. Hell, we might make a decent couple. Have to be better than my last two girlfriends." "What were they like?" "My most recent serious flame was a woman named Diana Fowley. She was around as I was discovering the X-Files. We were never particularly close. She jujst had this thing about her. I wasn't sure I could trust her. I was right. She was in league with the conspiracy." "I've known the type. In my line, the odds are one in two of that happening. Of course, I'll purposefully be the traitor in that kind of situation." "Fine work. My last flame was a brit Phoebe Green was her name." As Mulder said this, Bond winced visibly. "Scotland yard?" "Yeah. Why?" "I was involved with her for a time. Wretched creature. Spiteful, manipulative, everything one could pray not to find in a woman," Bond said, his voice crackling with an unusual venom. "You hated her too." "With a passion." "My feelings exactly." Mulder paused before he spoke again. "Who'd guess two of her ex's would meet?" "I never would've. But, that's fate." "I just did a case dealing with the world's luckiest man. After it, I have to accept the idea of fate." "The world's luckiest man. That would hve to be an interesting job." "It was. Not my best threat. I once battled a guy who could alter his face at will." Technically, Mulder had dealt with two, but the agent would avoid discussing the bounty hunter. "A man with steel teeth." "That's odd." "I also battled a man who could behead you with a hat." "A guy who squeezed through vents." Mulder said, up for the game of one-upsmanship. "A man who was immune to pain." "A guy who could hypnotize people with his voice." "Eliot Carver." Bond said, knowing he'd won. "The media guy?" "Indeed. Tried to start World War three." "You win, although I'd always suspected he was evil." After a long pause, Bond looked at his watch. "I have to go. I promised a guy I'd him at 10:30." The secret agent said with regret. "Nice meeting you." "Nice meeting you, too." A the men shook hands, Bond made one last comment. "About your partner, I'd go for it myself." Mulder was a bit stunned by this remark, but he considered it nonetheless. "I will." With that, the secret agent left. As Mulder sat for a few minutes more, pondering the night, he almost called Scully. He didn't, but he almost did. He knew when the time was right, it would happen.