From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 21:43:07 -0600 Subject: The Conversation by semperfi1013 Source: direct Reply To: semperfi1013@hotmail.com Title: The Conversation Author: semperfi1013 Rating:PG-13 (a few mildly bad words) Classification: MSR Spoilers: Pilot, Fire, Small Potatoes, Memento Mori, The End, Triangle, Tithonus Keywords: None Summary: What would happen if Mulder and Scully actually had a conversation. Disclaimer: I don't own them, Chris Carter,1013 and FOX do Feedback is appreciated at semperfi1013@hotmail.com Dana Scully anxiously glanced out the plane's window. It was storming and didn't look like it was going to let up anytime soon. It was bad enough that she and her partner, Fox Mulder, had just finished one of their most stressful assignments since the reopening of the X-Files, the pilot had just announced that their plane was going to have to turn around and head back to the airport. Mulder glanced over at her. "You okay, Scully?" he asked, a little concerned. He knew she didn't like to fly, and especially not in bad weather. "Yeah, I'm fine, Mulder," she said. Mulder smiled knowingly. "If I had a quarter for every time you said that, I'd say screw the government's money and I would have put myself up in a much better motel than that dump we stayed at. They didn't even have cable," he exclaimed, feigning exasperation. "Upset because you missed the world premier of Debbie Does Dallas III?" "Scully, how did YOU know about that?!" Mulder asked, grinning. Just then, a bolt of lightning passed the window, followed closely by a crash of thunder. Scully jumped and gripped her armrests tighter. Mulder reached over and placed his large hands on top of her small ones and gently rubbed her knuckles. He leaned in closer. "You sure you're okay?" he asked. "Yeah, that just scared me. I hate flying in this crap. How long until we're back at the airport?" "A couple of minutes, I think," he said. "Good." "And then we have to find another place to stay, this time without bureau reservations and with all these other people." "Great." An hour later, it was still pouring as the two agents arrived at the hotel the airline had recommended to its passengers. Mulder glanced over at his partner after turning off the ignition. She was fast asleep. Mulder hated to wake her, but knew he had to. "Hey, Sleepyhead," he said gently, touching her cheek. "Time to wake up." "We're here?" Scully asked, groggily. "Yep. If it weren't pouring, I would have carried you in. But you're gonna get soaked and wake up anyway." "Yeah, right. You just didn't want to have to carry all our bags in by yourself in the rain." "Yeah, that too. I also have bad news. Because of the weather, this place is packed. They could only give us one room." "As long as it's dry," Scully said, hurrying out of the car. When Scully returned from the bathroom after changing into jeans and a T-shirt, she looked over at Mulder and raised an eyebrow. They had only been there for fifteen minutes, but already he had made himself at home. His suitcase was open and clothes were strewn all over the bed by the window. Mulder himself seemed a permanent fixture on the other bed, leaning against the headboard and so engrossed in a Knicks game on TV that he didn't even acknowledge Scully's presence. "Comfy, Mulder?" Scully asked, sarcastically. "Not bad, actually." "Did I miss the tornado while I was changing?" she asked, eyeing the mess on the bed. "I had to find my lucky shirt," he explained, gesturing to his Knicks T-shirt. "They're down by four with 45 seconds left. I bet Frohike they would win." "OK, so you lose a few bucks if they lose. Big deal." "You don't understand what the bet was, Scully. If the Knicks win, I get to borrow some new top-secret equipment the guys just got, before they have a chance to try it out. If they lose, Frohike gets to go out on a date with you." "Mulder! How could you?" He laughed. "I was just kidding, Scully. You know those videos that aren't mine? I'm letting him borrow them." Scully picked up a pillow and whacked him on the side of the head with it. "Don't do that to me. You don't understand what kind of a nightmare that is." She shuddered at the thought. "Shh! The time-out's over. Sit down and watch it." Scully glanced over at the unoccupied bed. Deciding against chancing her luck there, she settled down next to Mulder. She laid her head down on the pillow she just hit Mulder with, closed her eyes and fell asleep. She awoke to the smell of pizza and Mulder's voice. She looked up to see Mulder paying the pizza deliveryman at the door. "Hey, you're awake," Mulder said, turning around. "I figured we'd be hungry soon and I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to go out in that," he said, gesturing to the window, outside of which it was still pouring and blowing. "Good idea, it smells great," she said, heading over to the table where Mulder had set the table. Just then, she noticed that the TV was off. "Hey, did you win your bet?" she asked. "Yeah, you missed a great game. Patrick Ewing made a four point play to send it into overtime. Then Larry Johnson..." "Mulder, I have no idea what the heck you are talking about so you can just stop now. I'm just glad they won. Now I don't have to listen to you complain about losing, or about Frohike having those tapes that aren't yours." "Scully, you don't understand basketball? I am almost ashamed to admit that I know you," he joked, taking a huge bite out of his still steaming pizza and flinching when it burned the roof of his mouth. "Damn, that hurt," he muttered. "First I have to teach you how to hit a baseball," he continued, "and now I learn that you don't know basketball either. And your mother made it seem like you were quite the tomboy growing up." Scully crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Don't make fun of me," she said, defensively. "I did whatever my brothers did. Climbing trees, shooting BB guns, fishing, ice skating, I even played ice hockey, on an all-boys' team. But basketball and baseball weren't their sports. You've never met Charlie, but you've met Bill." "Have I ever," Mulder interrupted, grimacing at the memory. "And you probably noticed that he is kind of a big guy." "Yeah, I noticed that, about the time when I was deciding whether or not he was going to beat the crap out of me." "Well, Charlie is the same way and it was worse when they were younger, before they joined the Navy." "Oh no," Mulder said under his breath. "What?" Scully asked. "Your other brother is in the Navy too. I'm in trouble." Scully laughed. "Anyway, they decided they were better suited for sports where ramming into the opponent and shifting their weight around, so to speak." "That's why they were into hockey." "Yeah, but football was their favorite. So I grew up watching football, and playing it, at least with the family when my dad was on shore leave." "So I picked a good gift for when you came out of your coma," he said, referring to the Superstars of the Super Bowl video. "It's hard to decide what kind of gift to give for that kind of occasion," he said, his voice cracking, remembering what it had been like when they didn't think she would come out of it. "It was perfect," she said sincerely. "And I was really looking forward to seeing that Redskins game you were going to take me to before..." She stopped, not wanting to remind Mulder about the time Donnie Pfaster had kidnapped her. She looked up and saw that Mulder was already thinking the same thing. She gave him a small smile to let him know that it was okay. "Well, we'll have to go to a game then. I still have the connections to get good seats. At least I hope I do," he grinned sheepishly. "Or a baseball game," she suggested. "Ever since we played I've been watching Yankees games and it looks like it would be fun." "YES!" he cheered, clapping his hands together. "What the hell was that all about?" she asked, confused. "I'm just thankful that you picked a good team. I would love to go to a Yankees game with you." Scully finished her pizza and headed to the bed. She turned on the TV. "Hey, Mulder. What's up with the TV?" "You mean the cable's still out? It went out right after the game. I was hoping it would be back on by now." "Why, what were you planning on watching?" she asked, teasingly. "Nothing. But it's only 7:00 and there is nothing to do." "Mulder, you're whining like a little kid stuck in the house on a rainy day. Although, except for the fact that this is a motel and not a house, that is essentially true," she said, grinning. Mulder stuck his tongue out at her. "I don't suppose you have a deck of cards with you, do you?" he asked. "No, not that I know any games other than Go Fish anyway. Besides, I've been telling you stories about when I was a kid, I think it's only fair that I get to hear some of yours." Mulder looked uncomfortable. "After Samantha disappeared, nothing really happened that you would want to hear about. And even before that, our family wasn't nearly as close as yours." "Then tell me something else about your life. Like what Oxford was like." "What do you want to know about that?" "Mulder, come sit down," she said, patting the bedspread next to her. "For starters, why did you decide to go all the way to England for college?" she asked once he sat down. "Well, I don't know if you are aware of this or not, Scully, but my parents are extremely rich." "I sort of gathered that from the fact that they had a house on Martha's Vineyard." "So it had always been assumed that I would go to either Yale or Harvard, as long as I had the grades to get in." "Which of course you did." "But by the time I was in high school, my father and I fought so often that New England wasn't far enough away for me. He wanted me to go there so he could keep an eye on me and refused to let me go anywhere else. Luckily, Oxford offered me a scholarship. I didn't really care where I went as long as it was far away from Martha's Vineyard. And that is where I met Phoebe Green and I think you know enough about that to know that that wasn't the best experience of my life. But don't think that the entire experience was miserable. It was college. Even in England, college students are crazy. I did my share of partying and drinking, but I had to keep my grades up to be able to keep my scholarship." "And I'm sure that must have been terribly difficult with your photographic memory," Scully said dryly. "Yeah, my buddies were pissed off at me all the time. They thought I was weird and gave me my very first nickname, Einstein. Which do you think fits me better, Einstein or Spooky?" he asked. "I've always been partial to Spooky myself, but Einstein works too." "Okay, enough about me. Time for more stories about you," Mulder said, stretching out along the bed, a pillow folded up under his head. "What do you want to know?" "I don't know, anything. Tell me about high school, college, prom, everything." "OK... Well, by the time I had gotten into high school, I had pretty much decided that I wanted to be a doctor, and since I don't have a photographic memory, I actually had to study," she said, looking pointedly at Mulder. "Oh, so you weren't born knowing everything. It is a comfort to know that." "Mulder! What is that supposed to mean?" "Nothing bad. It just sometimes seems that there is NOTHING that you don't know. Believe me, I'm not complaining. Having a Renaissance G-woman as a partner is quite an asset." "Renaissance G-woman? Anyway, that's how I spent most of my high school years, studying. Since we moved around all the time, I was used to not having many friends. I did go my prom, though." "Ooh, tell, tell..." "My date was Marcus, the 11th grade love of my life." She paused as realization dawned on her. "Oh my God," she said, face in her hands. "What?" Mulder asked. "Did you just finally remember something stupid you did on your prom night, like dance drunk with a lampshade on your head? Not speaking from experience, of course." "No, this just reminds me so much of what Eddie VanBlundht and I were talking about before..." she trailed off, too embarrassed to continue. "Scully, can you just answer me one question about that night?" "Maybe..." she said slowly. "I'll try, but I'm not promising anything." "Did you really think he was me?" "Yeah," she said. "OK, that's all I wanted to know." Mulder sounded satisfied with that answer. "Now do you have any embarrassing stories you want to tell me about high school, or do you just want to move on to college?" "My high school years were pretty boring. College was interesting, especially freshman year. We had just moved from Berkley to Annapolis before I started. I loved Berkley, so I had already enrolled in UCLA before we got word of the transfer. I wanted to be away from my parents, too, just for different reasons. I had a reputation in my family, you know, boring, safe, dependable, trustworthy. Basically the same reputation I have now, now that I think about it." "Scully, you are NOT boring. And the rest of that are some of my favorite things about you. What is so wrong with people seeing you that way?" "Nothing, I guess. But I wanted to find out exactly who I was. I was afraid to do so with my parents there, so I thought the best idea was to get away for awhile. I didn't want to get labeled that way again, so I immediately sought out people who were the exact opposite. As a result, I almost flunked out after the first semester." "SCULLY!" Mulder was shocked. "The look on your face was almost the same as Bill's when he found out." She looked up to gauge Mulder's reaction to that. "Mulder, if you keep your face like that, it might freeze that way. Anyway, they gave me another chance to pull my grades up before I had to transfer closer to home. After the first year, I decided my image was fairly accurate and necessary if I wanted to become a doctor, and I missed my family, so I transferred to the University of Maryland. Then the Bureau recruited me after medical school and I decided I could help people that way. My parents hated the idea, which probably only helped me make the decision to join. And I loved it." She laid down on her side and faced Mulder. "Scully?" Mulder asked, tracing the pattern on the bedspread. "Yeah, Mulder?" "I know I asked you this before, but if you could change anything about the last seven years, would you?" he asked shyly. "I don't think so, Mulder. All the bad things that have happened to me are nothing compared to what could happen if we stopped searching for the truth. Besides, someone has to be there to keep you in line." Mulder chuckled. "And you do a very good job of it, Scully. I know I've never really told you this before, but I really appreciate everything you've done for me. You've saved my life so many times, you've believed me when nobody else would..." "Mulder, don't thank me for that. That's just part of being your partner. You've done the same things for me." "It's not only that, Scully. You believe IN me, which is something nobody has done in more years than I can remember. And you are the first person who's given a shit about me in a long time. I meant it when I said you make me a whole person, Scully." By now, Scully's eyes were watering. She reached out and stroked Mulder's cheek. "I know you did. How could I not care about you, Mulder? You came all the way to Antarctica to save my life. You were the only one not willing to give up on me when I was in a coma. You risked your life and your career to find the cure for my cancer. Without you, I'd be dead a hundred times over. Face it, Mulder, we're stuck together." He smiled. "It's a good thing, too. You're the only one that's put up with me for this long." "What can I say? I'm a saint." "That you are," he said and kissed her on top of the head. "Can I ask you a question now?" "Of course." "It's probably not really any of my business, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to..." she rambled. "Scully," he interrupted. "I'll tell you anything you want to know." He paused. "As long as it's not about those videos that aren't mine." "What was there between you and Diana Fowley before she went to Europe? And why didn't you tell me about it right after she came back?" "I didn't tell you because it's all over. It's been over for eight years. We worked together. She agreed with me on almost everything and I thought that meant we were in love. We were engaged for awhile and then she told me that she was assigned to Europe. I thought she was going to come back and then we would continue from where we left off. But she stopped returning my calls and then finally told me it was over, that she doubted she had ever even loved me. I felt betrayed. I forgot about her until she returned a year ago." "Mulder, if she betrayed you, then why..." Scully paused, deciding whether or not to go on. "Why didn't I believe you and the Lone Gunmen when you brought me the evidence against her?" Scully nodded. "I really don't know, Scully. I guess I thought that even thought she might betray me over something personal," he paused when he saw Scully cringe at the reference "I thought she cared too much about the X-Files to jeopardize them." "Mulder, do you feel that I have ever betrayed you?" Scully asked carefully. "Of course not, Scully," he said, grasping her hand which lay between them on the comforter. "Then why would you believe her over me? Do you feel the truth means more to her than to me? I lost my sister to this. And I almost lost my life. Wouldn't that make it mean just as much, if not more, to me than to her? Or am I just making this personal again?" "Scully, I am so sorry that I said that to you. I had no right to talk to you like that. You were absolutely right in thinking the way you did, about everything. The X- Files have been personal to me since the very beginning. I bring my sister into everything. And now you have just as much, if not more, personally involved in this. But it wasn't that I was agreeing with her over you, Scully. You and I were disagreeing over evidence, like we have done during so many different cases." "Mulder, it hurt that you wouldn't even listen to what I had to say. Even when you disagree with me, you always at least consider what I have to say. This time it seemed like you didn't even pay attention." "I know, I am sorry. I was just hoping for another ally. So that for once, it wouldn't be just you and me against the world. Because that's what it has seemed like for so long. I just thought it would be easier if EVERYBODY wasn't against us. And I thought I could trust her. I should have listened to your women's intuition." Scully gave him a small smile. "Can you forgive me?" he asked, giving her his puppy-dog face. "Don't look at me like that! I can't stay mad at you when you make that face." "That's the idea, Scully." "Yeah, I forgive you. And I'm sorry she betrayed you. Both times." "Thanks. And I know by now that you wouldn't betray me. And if you did, I don't think there is any way I could get over it. So, don't, okay?" he asked, his voice cracking. "Don't worry, partner. I won't" Mulder smiled gratefully. "You know what's weird?" "Mulder, think about what we do for a living. Where would you like me to start?" "No, not that. I was just thinking about how easily I trusted you. After years of no one believing me and everyone thinking I was crazy, and after Phoebe and Diana, my father lying to me, I trusted you almost immediately. Phoebe never even knew I had a sister. I didn't tell Diana what happened to her until after we had worked together for two years and I knew she would believe it, she believed in everything. But I couldn't trust anyone to not take that information and use it against me to cause me pain. My father always blamed her disappearance on me." Scully, who was hearing this piece of information for the first time, looked shocked. "Mulder, that's terrible! You were just a kid. How dare he make you feel responsible for something that, not only could you not prevent, was partially his fault?" "He thought that would keep me from looking into it and discovering what really happened. But I told you about her disappearance on our first case together. And somehow I knew I could trust you knowing it. I still trust you, implicitly. I trust you with my life, hell, with my very soul." Scully looked at him with tears in her eyes. "That trust goes both ways, my friend. If you recall, on that very case, I came to your room in my underwear. I only do that with people I really trust, you know." "You mean you don't do that with every one of your new partners? You didn't do that for Ritter?" "Nope, you were the only lucky one," she said, smiling. Then her face fell. "You know, that was the only time in the last seven years when I was truly scared for myself." "When you came in in your underwear?" "No. When Ritter shot me. Every other case, I knew that you would keep me safe, but if something happened to me that was out of your control, you would get me safe, or at the very least, I wouldn't be alone when I died. You would be there with me. But then the man who is supposed to have taken your place and protect me shoots me and you're not there. It wasn't your fault, and I definitely didn't blame you, but I was so scared I would die without you there." Mulder moved closer to Scully, resting his forehead against hers and putting his arm around her. "That was when I was the most scared, too. I was so far away and couldn't help you. I have never felt so helpless in my whole life, not even when Samantha was taken. I feel the same way, too. When we're together, I feel protected, by all, what, 105 pounds of you?" "Ha-ha, Mulder." "But I always know you'll get me out of it. Although, I swear I don't always go out looking for trouble, sometimes it actually comes looking for me. Even when I take off and don't tell you where I'm going, I think I still feel that somehow, if I need you, you'll find me and save me." "Don't do that anymore, either. If we both agree we're more effective together, we should stay together." "All I can promise is that I'll try." "Well, I know I won't get a better answer than that, so it'll have to do." Mulder rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. "What do you think you'd be doing now if you hadn't been assigned to the X-Files?" "I don't know, Mulder, why do you ask?" "Well, I know this isn't what you planned to be doing, after all, who could predict this life, so what would you be doing if you weren't here?" "No one's life actually ends up exactly like they planned it, so what I had planned to be doing is almost definitely not what I would be doing if I weren't here." "OK, then, what did you WANT your life to be like now before you were assigned to the X- Files?" "I wanted to be a pathologist for the bureau, or be doing field work, I just didn't think about this kind of field work." "OK, but what about your personal life? What did you want your personal life to be like?" 'Well, I thought I'd at least have one." "Yeah, but did you think you'd be married with kids, a dog, a white picket fence, minivan, whatever else normal people do?" "Yeah, of course, Mulder. I think almost everyone wants that at some point in their lives. But that doesn't mean that it's right for everyone." She paused. "Mulder, what's bringing on this topic of conversation?" she looked at him seriously. "I was just thinking about what you said in Nevada. About stopping the damn car," he explained when he saw her confused expression. "And I was just thinking about how this is not how I expected my life to turn out. And if I didn't expect it to be this way, I know you sure as hell didn't." "What did you expect your life to be like, Mulder?" "I thought I would have found Samantha, and I would have my family back, and little nieces and nephews that I could spoil, and my parents wouldn't hate me anymore. I figured I would be married, although with my track record with women, I don't know how I could expect that and..." he trailed off. "Mulder, I asked you once to look and see if your heart was still in it. Do you want to quit? Because if you are thinking about it, I need to know." "I think about it, sometimes, Scully. With all the things we've been through, how couldn't I? But this is my quest, and I have to finish it. It's you I'm worried about more. You've lost so much and you deserve to have the normal life, Scully. If anyone does, you do." "I've thought about what I said in Nevada, too, Mulder. And if it means giving up the life I have, then forget it. I love this job, despite all its downfalls. I have grown so much as a person in the last seven years and we have helped so many people. But, the most important thing is that, because of this job, I have met the most generous, brilliant, wonderful man who I trust and respect implicitly, and who trusts and respects me the same way, and who happens to be the best friend I have ever had." Scully's eyes were watering by this point, and as she looked into Mulder's eyes, she realized that he was trying not to cry, but wasn't doing a very good job. Mulder smiled. "Does Frohike know you feel this way about him?" he asked, his voice cracking. "I don't think so, do you think I should call him now or when we get back?" "Come here," he said, and held his arms out to her. She scooted up next to him and laid with her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and placed his hand on her head. He ran his thumb over her temple and kissed her on top of the head. "Even though I ditch you, I didn't get you a desk, I give you a hard time about not believing, and I make fun of you being short, you know I love you, right?" he murmured in her hair. Scully nodded. "And even though I nag at you about not doing paperwork and pissing everybody off and give you a hard time about your crazy theories, you know I love you too, right?" "It's what keeps me sane." They were quiet for a moment, and then Scully tilted her head so she could look at Mulder. "We are pathetic," she remarked. "How so?" Mulder asked. "Do you realize this is one of the first actual conversations that we have had in our seven year partnership?" "Well if you told me I was wonderful and brilliant all the time, I would probably start to get a big head, don't you think?" "But neither of us is good about talking about what we're feeling. I mean, if we had talked about how both of us felt about the Diana thing, we probably could have saved a lot of the discomfort we had for awhile after that. This is something that we both need to work on. What if something bigger than that were to happen? We need to know how we feel about things so we can work together. Remember what you told me when I didn't tell you about seeing the vision of the girl that had been killed when we were at Harold Spueller's rest home? You said that by not telling you about that, I was working against you." "But aren't there some things that maybe we shouldn't share? Some things that are irrelevent. Or things that I keep from you because I don't want to hurt you." "Mulder, it's important that you don't keep those things from me. I can handle it and I need to know. But when it's things we are feeling that could have an effect on a case, we need to talk about it. You were right before. We are good at silent communication, but sometimes that's not enough." "OK, if I agree to tell you what I find out, or what I'm feeling, even when I want to keep it from you to not hurt you, will you stop telling me when you're fine when you're not? I want to help you, Scully, but I can't do that when you try to keep it to yourself." "I'll try." "Then it's a deal. Scully, don't worry about asking me for help or telling me when you're unhappy, or afraid or whatever else. You don't need to pretend in front of me. You are the strongest, bravest, toughest person I have ever met, but nobody can go through everything without a little help from somebody every now and then. I will always be there for you any time you need me, just like you are for me. Okay?" She nodded. "You want to start with this what we are really feeling thing right now?" Mulder asked tentatively. "Sure, I guess." Scully replied. Mulder got up and walked to the foot of the bed and began pacing. "Mulder, what is it?" Scully asked, concerned. Mulder suddenly stopped and looked at her. "I love you, Scully." "I know that, Mulder. You already said that," she replied. "And I love you, too." "No, Scully, listen for a minute. I discovered something when I was on the Queen Anne." "Mulder..." Scully warned, about to debate the validity of whatever he was about to say. "Please, Scully," he said, and it was his voice that caused her to sit up and listen to him. "When I was on the Queen Anne, you were there. Well, maybe it wasn't MY you, but it was a version of you anyway. She was just as beautiful and intelligent and stubborn and skeptical as you are. And I told her she had to turn the ship back or this reality would never have existed. And I prepared to jump overboard and leave our existence in her hands. But I realized there was something I had to do in case there was never the chance to do it again. I kissed her Scully. I kissed YOU." Mulder knelt on the floor and looked up into Scully's eyes. "And I realized then that, without a doubt, I was in love with you." "Mulder," Scully said and he saw that she was nearing tears again. "I think I've been in love with you since the time I held you at the hospital after Penny died. I knew I couldn't live without you then. But faced with the thought that I would go back to a reality where we've never even MET and I knew I had to do something if I ever saw you again." "That's why you told me you loved me in the hospital," Scully said, trying not to cry. "Yeah, but it didn't seem like you wanted to hear it, so I thought I was scared to bring it up again. But I thought since we were being honest..." He waited for Scully to say something. "Scully?" he asked, hesitantly. She ran her hand over his forehead and pushed his hair back. "I love you too, Mulder," she said, and leaned forward to gently brush her lips against his. As she pulled back, Mulder remembered that he was kneeling on the floor. "Scully? Not now, but someday soon, will you marry me?" "Yes," she answered, and kissed him again.