From: Fox4242@aol.com Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998 19:25:51 EST Subject: Corre Para El Orilla (1/1) Title: Corre Para el Orilla Author: Fox4242 (Fox4242@aol.com) Rating: G, I suppose. No bad stuff here. Classification: XH. This is pure fluff, but there's a story (a really strange one) hidden in there somewhere. Spoilers: Tunguska/Terma, but only in a really small way. Keywords: none Summary: Read it and find out! Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Can't afford to buy 'em. If you sue me, all you'll get is a bunch of X-Files stuff, which I'm sure you're sick of by now. Author's Notes: I originally wrote this (along with footnotes for those who don't watch the show) for an English class satire assignment. After lurking around and reading everybody else's work for awhile, I decided to submit something of my own. This is my first shot at writing fanfic, so keep the flamethrower at a low setting, OK? If fluff offends you, read no further! Bonus points to anyone who can tell me what the title means! TEASER: (Interior shot of an apartment door. There is the sound of a key in a lock and the door opens to admit a tired-looking MAN in a suit. He is carrying a Burger King takeout bag. He takes off his coat and sets the bag down, then looks down and sees something that causes him to look twice. POV shot: angled up at the man from the floor. He grins.) MAN: Hey, how did you get in he.....AAAAAAHHHH!!!! (POV shot shows MAN getting attacked by an unseen assailant. Screams continue as the camera pans to the takeout bag and fades out to...) MAIN TITLES ACT 1: (Crime scene. Police are taking photos all around of the same man's body lying on the floor and the surrounding area. Enter our heroes, MULDER and SCULLY, who flash their badges at the police.) SCULLY: Mulder, I'm still a little confused as to why we're in the middle of Nebraska on a Sunday looking into what appears to be a routine homicide. MULDER: Routine?? How can you say that, Scully? Doesn't something in the air here just scream.... 'Alien Involvement'?? SCULLY: (snaps on a glove and picks up the takeout bag, which is on the floor) Actually, something screams 'cholesterol'. MULDER: Hey, can we get that analyzed? SCULLY: (losing patience) MULDER, it's just a fast food bag. What could you possibly hope to gain? MULDER: There could be alien substances on that. It could be crucial to this investigation! SCULLY: (downright ticked off) WHAT investigation?!? Mulder, you still haven't told me why we're really here. Who told you about this case? MULDER: Anonymous E-mail this morning. I think it really paid off, don't you? (He looks pleased.) SCULLY: (finally loses it completely and screams. All activity stops as everyone turns to look at her.) Sorry. (Activity resumes. More quietly:) So we're in the middle of Nowhere.... MULDER: (interrupting) I think the name of the town is actually Norderberg.... SCULLY: (gives him a warning glare) ...and all you have to go on is an E-mail which is probably from some freak who's just messing with your head? MULDER: What's wrong with that? (SCULLY is, by this time, bright red. MULDER gives her a puppy-dog look, which seems to calm her down enough for him to continue.) MULDER: Anyway, I was kinda hoping you'd do an autopsy on this guy.... SCULLY: (whining) An autopsy? Why? MULDER: To check for anything..... alien, of course! SCULLY: NO! MULDER: (pleading) Aw, c'mon, Scully, I already arranged for an autopsy bay and everything... pleeeeeeeeeeease?? SCULLY: (resigned sigh) Fine. Let's go. (Cut to overhead shot of autopsy bay. SCULLY has already cut the corpse, and is examining the internal organs, while MULDER stands around, making a nuisance of himself.) MULDER: (excited) Did you find anything yet, huh? Did you, did you, did you? SCULLY: For the hundredth time, NO! Will you just leave me alone so I can finish? (speaking into a recorder) Stomach contents appear to consist of corn chips, indicating that the subject ate nachos or tacos shortly before death. MULDER: SCULLY! YOU'VE DONE IT! SCULLY: (confused) What? MULDER: Don't you see? This is a big clue! This guy had a Burger King bag. Burger King doesn't sell TACOS!! (He jumps up and down, clapping his hands.) SCULLY: So what? He probably had a snack before dinner. MULDER: (poking around in the stomach) But Scully, these chips are barely digested at all. He would have had to have eaten them right before he died. SCULLY: (sarcastically) So what does that have to do with aliens? MULDER: Give me a minute, I'll think of something..... SCULLY: Mulder, this is ridiculous! Let's just get out of here. There's nothing to... (MULDER's cell phone rings and he takes it out.) MULDER: (answers) Mulder. (He gets a big happy smile on his face as he listens.) Thank you! SCULLY: What was that? MULDER: There's been another one, Scully! Let's go! (He pulls her out the door.) ACT 2: (Another crime scene. This one looks much like the first, except that the victim is a woman, and there is a McDonalds bag balanced on her chest, and a taco shoved in her mouth.) MULDER: Wow, cool! (He takes out his camera and starts snapping shots.) Hey Scully, you think you could autopsy this one, too? SCULLY: (ignores him and turns to a young officer beside her) So what exactly happened here? (As the officer and SCULLY talk, the camera follows MULDER as he catches a glimpse of something small darting around the corner. He runs after it, but is unable to see it. He looks out the open window, but there is nothing there. Whatever it was has disappeared. He runs back around the corner.) MULDER: Scully, Scully!! I saw it, I saw it! A real live ALIEN!!! SCULLY: WHAT? Mulder, you are embarrassing me. (She turns to find that the officer she was talking to has vanished.) Darn. He was cute, too. See what you've done, Mulder? MULDER: But I really did see it, Scully! Really! SCULLY: (patronizingly) I don't suppose you saw where it went? What it was doing? What it looked like? (She looks at MULDER expectantly.) MULDER: Well, no...... but it WAS an alien, Scully! I'm not just making this up this time, I swear! SCULLY: Right. Like the time you called me at three in the morning because you thought you saw Yoda in your bedroom? MULDER: That was an isolated incident..... SCULLY: THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW??? MULDER: I said I was sorry..... (SCULLY glares at him. He smiles at her.) MULDER: Anyway, I think this alien... (SCULLY growls at him) OK, OK, this THING, whatever it is, is causing these deaths. SCULLY: Based on what? MULDER: Um.... instinct? (SCULLY storms out, and MULDER follows her. They walk out to the car.) MULDER: Come on Scully, just bear with me this time, OK? I want to try to catch this thing, and I need your help. SCULLY: Mulder, there is no thing!!! It's all in your head! YOU NEED A REST!! (MULDER starts to pout, and SCULLY caves in.) SCULLY: Fine!! We'll catch your "alien". (MULDER smiles.) So now what, Mulder? How do you propose that we go about this? MULDER: C'mon, let's go. (SCULLY gets into the car suspiciously.) SCULLY: Mulder, where are we going? MULDER: We're going to...... WENDY'S!!! ACT 3: (Wendy's drive through window. MULDER reaches through the car window and takes a bag from the attendant.) SCULLY: I still don't understand why we're here. MULDER: Don't you see, Scully? This is all part of a pattern. First Burger King, then McDonalds.... it only makes sense that they'd go for Wendy's too. SCULLY: You've GOT to be kidding. Anyway, how are we going to lure this thing... (MULDER looks triumphantly at her.) This does not mean that I believe that there IS a thing, but hypothetically, how would we lure it? If there was one, I mean. MULDER: Never fear, Scully, I have a plan..... SCULLY: (sighs) I was afraid of that..... (Cut to the interior of a hotel room. MULDER and SCULLY are hiding behind the bed, and the door is open just a crack. MULDER is holding a string that is attached to a stick that is propping up a box with the bag of Wendy's food beneath it.) SCULLY: Mulder, this is ridiculous! I mean, you've had some stupid ideas in the past, but this really tops all of them. How do you expect to.... MULDER: (cuts her off) Shhhhh..... it's close, Scully, I can feel it. (At that moment, something small dashes into the room so fast that all we see is a blur. MULDER lets out a girly scream and yanks on the string. The box falls, trapping the creature beneath it.) MULDER: (jumps up and starts dancing around) We got it, Scully! See, I told you there was something, but did you believe me? Nooooooo, it was all "You're crazy, Mulder," and "What's the point, Mulder?" WELL, WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, HUH? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! SCULLY: (rolls eyes) Let's at least see what we caught before jumping to conclusions, OK? (She reaches for the box, but before she can pick it up, the door swings open to reveal.... ALEX KRYCEK, who is pointing a gun at them.) KRYCEK: I wouldn't do that if I were you. (He advances on them.) The contents of that box could put us all at risk. MULDER: I was right, wasn't I? It's an alien, isn't it? KRYCEK: (hits MULDER upside the head, causing him to crumple to the floor) Shut up!! SCULLY: Hey, you can't do that! (She grabs his fake arm and pulls it off.) How do ya like them apples, Ratboy? (KRYCEK's lower lip begins to quiver, and he starts crying, curling into a fetal position on the floor.) SCULLY: (to MULDER) Get up, you baby. (As MULDER gets to his feet, she reaches for the box again, but is stopped by another voice at the door.) CSM: I wouldn't do that if I were you. MULDER & SCULLY: (in unison) Not again...... ACT 4: (CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN steps into the room, the customary Morley dangling from his mouth.) MULDER: What are YOU doing here, you black lunged son of a...... CSM: (cuts him off) Let's not stoop to name-calling, Mr. Mulder. I believe you have something I want. And I have something you want. (He reaches out the door and pulls in SAMANTHA, who has a gag shoved in her mouth.) MULDER: Samantha!! SCULLY: Mulder, this has to be a trick. We don't even know what this thing is, or what it can do. We can't just give it up because you..... (She's too late. MULDER has already lifted the box to reveal.... the Taco Bell Chihuahua!!! It trots over to CSM, stopping only to pee on KRYCEK, who is still on the floor. CSM releases SAMANTHA, who stumbles over to MULDER, only to morph into the BOUNTY HUNTER, who rips out the gag and stalks out the door forbiddingly, leaving MULDER staring in astonishment.) MULDER: (stuttering) But, but..... you can't DO that! (CSM picks up the dog, who licks his face and promptly pees on his tie. CSM makes a face.) CSM: Bad doggie. Now, Mr. Mulder, I must depart to get on with my evil scheme. MULDER: (trying to stall) Wait, wait! Aren't you going to... uh..... explain your evil plot to us? CSM: (sighs) Oh yeah, I forgot. Well, the whole idea is to get rid of all the fast food chains in the world so that only Taco Bell remains. Then when they're gone, I can put hypnotic drugs in the tacos to make everyone obey me. SCULLY: So why kill those people? CSM: They were test subjects. The drug still has a few bugs to be worked out. But nobody ever suspects the Chihuahua!! MULDER: Why attack people who were eating other fast food, though? CSM: The dog picked the victims. He apparently likes burgers better than tacos. (shrugs) Go figure. MULDER: You'll never get away with this, you sicko! She's armed! (He gestures towards SCULLY, who waves KRYCEK's arm around menacingly.) CSM: But I already have gotten away with it. For he who controls the tacos.... controls the WORLD!! SCULLY: Listen pal, this is NOT Pinky and the Brain, and you are NOT a genetically altered megalomaniacal lab mouse..... (CSM lets out another evil laugh.) SCULLY: Well, maybe megalomaniacal...... (CSM starts to back out the door, only to run into.... the local police! They grab him and slap on a pair of handcuffs.) CSM: (snarling at MULDER and SCULLY, as he is led away) I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you meddling FBI agents! SCULLY: Hey, where's Krycek? (KRYCEK has mysteriously disappeared, and SCULLY shrugs and tosses his arm to the floor as the police leave, closing the door.) So what do we do now, Mulder? MULDER: I thought you'd never ask. (He takes her by the shoulders and leans towards her. She closes her eyes..... and just then, there is a loud knock at the door. They both look at it, and MULDER, scowling, goes to answer it. Standing at the door is a large group of angry-looking people, some holding torches. The one in the lead is.... AGENT PENDRELL!!) MULDER: What's this about? SCULLY: Pendrell? I thought you were dead! PENDRELL: (laughs nervously) Pendrell? Who's Pendrell? I'm.... uh.... Danny. (He takes on a stern look.) And we are the AntiShipper Brigade, and we are here to inform you that you are in violation of Article 1121.5, Section 1013 of the Sacred Platonic Code. (MULDER and SCULLY look at him in confusion.) That states that Mulder and Scully shall never, ever kiss, or even look like they're going to kiss, NO MATTER WHAT! Do I make myself clear? SCULLY: Uh, I guess so..... PENDRELL: (cheerfully) Alrightie then. Have a nice night! (The horde of AntiShippers departs, and SCULLY closes the door.) SCULLY: (sits on the floor as MULDER plops down on the bed) So NOW what do we do? MULDER: (brightening) Well, I did come across this file about a herd of killer iguanas in Milwaukee..... SCULLY: Shut up, Mulder. THE END Feedback! I beg you! I'll even take flames! (They do very well for roasting marshmallows to make S'mores.) If it sounds like I'm making fun of the NoRomos there at the end, I'm really not (being one myself), so don't get offended. "You must be losing it, Mulder, I can beat you with one hand." "Isn't that how you like to beat yourself?" ~Krycek and Mulder, "The Red and the Black" "You tell them to kiss my American *ss." ~Krycek again, "Patient X" "Of course he's scum. The point is, he's HOT scum." ~Me to my friend about Krycek LONG LIVE THE LABMOUSE!!!