From: "Jon Seibel" Date: Sun, 23 Jul 2000 10:11:19 -0700 Subject: The Crock Files by JSTV127 Source: direct Title: The Crock Files Author: JSTV127 Date: July 23, 2000 Categories: CH, XF/Crocodile Hunter crossover Rating: PG Spoilers: none Archive: wherever, go for it Summary: Steve Irwin goes in search of an elusive creature... Disclaimers: I own 'em. Yep, sure do. Just bought 'em off CC last week. Got a good deal out of it to boot. If anybody's interested, I hear he wants to unload the Gunmen as well. Buy Frohike & Langly & he'll throw in Byers for free. And he's having a sale on unused scripts from "Millenium" & "Harsh Realm." OK, maybe that was a little cold... As for Steve Irwin, I think Animal Planet owns him. Or maybe the Discovery Channel. Or maybe his wife Terri. In any case, Mulder & Scully oughta investigate him 'cuz I don't think he's from this planet. Note to Shippers: I'm actually one of you. This thing is just a joke. Please don't take it amiss. Also, I wrote this to reflect Steve Irwin's accent, just in case you have trouble translating it. The Crock Files Steve Irwin: G'day mates, & welcome to the show! Oi'm Steve Irwin, the Crocodoile Huntah, & t'day we're off in suhrch of a very rahre & elusive creatuh, the Non- Maiting Fed'ral Aigent! Now, this amaizing creatuh has been known to luhrk in the baisements of fed'ral buildings, so we're down heah in the baisement of the F.B.I Building in Washington DC to see if we can find any! [Mulder & Scully exit their office at the other end of the hallway.] Steve (quietly): Ooh, we're really in luck t'day! Theah's two of 'em down theah! Let's see if we can get any closah! [Mulder & Scully watch with puzzled looks on their faces as Steve, followed by a cameraman, lighting technician, & sound engineer, attempts to "sneak up" on them in an empty hallway.] Steve (quietly): Ooh, I think they've spotted us! We'll hafta take it noice & easy if we don't wanna scahre 'em off! [Steve & his crew continue to stealthily approach Mulder & Scully as the agents look on. After a few moments Steve gets close enough to them to take hold of the sleeves of their coats.] Steve: Wow, we've found a coupla real beauties heah! Looks loike we've got both a maile & a femaile! What beauties these ahre! Mulder: Sir, what are you doing? Steve (holding up Mulder's sleeve): Now, this is the maile of the species. It's called a muldah. You can tell it apaht from the femaile in sev'ral ways. It's tallah, it's got short brown haih, & a much lahrgah nose than the femaile. It's also got a black coat to pr'tect it against the cold during the wintahtoime heah in the eastehn Unoited Staites. Scully: Who are you? Steve (holding up Scully's sleeve): This is the femaile heah. It's called a scully. It's a good deal shortah than the maile, has longah red haih, a smallah nose, & a loight brown or tan coat for pr'tection. Wow, just look at those cullahs on this beauty! That red just stands out! Mulder (looking at the nametag on Steve's shirt): "Steve." All right Steve, why do you a film crew here & why are you holding our sleeves like that? Steve: Now, the Non-Maiting Fed'ral Aigent is also called the Platonic or Sexually-Repressed Fed'ral Aigent in some plaices. It's a woide-rainging species, native mostly to the eastehn Unoited Staites, but it's been spotted all ovah North America, from Florida to California & from New York to Tixas. On a few rahre occasions it's even been seen in plaices as climatically diverse as the North Pole & northehn Africa. Scully (to film crew): Why are you people filming us? Is this some sort of documentary? Steve: It's a bit of a misnomah to call this species "Non-Maiting." As fah as we know, theah's no reason why the maile & the femaile of this species shouldn't be able to maite. Howevah, no one has evah actually seen it happen. They go through the usual maiting rituals, including touching each othah, hugging, going out togethah for a bit of tuckah, but that's all that anybody's evah seen. Nobody's evah heahrd it's maiting call, so we don't know if it has one or not, & the maile & femaile are almost always seen going back to sep'rate dens at noight. So we really don't know for suhre if theah able to maite or not. Kinda sad if y'think about it. Mulder (getting testy): Look, we'd really appreciate it if you'd leave us alone, OK Steve? Steve: Anothah thing about this species is that, despoite that lack of actual maiting, the maile & femaile are very pr'tective of each othah. Now, Oi'm going to...very cahrefully...pull on the femaile's coat to see if the maile reacts. [Steve pulls on Scully's sleeve. Mulder moves nearer to him in a threatening manner.] Steve: Ooh, look at how aggrissive he gets! Let's try that again! [Steve pulls on her sleeve again, causing her to stumble.] Scully: Hey, cut that out! Steve: Oh, yer all roight theah gihrl, yer all roight... Mulder: OK, that's it. [Pulls out handcuffs & snaps them on Steve.] You're under arrest for assaulting a federal agent. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney... [Mulder & Scully drag Steve down the hallway away from the film crew.] Steve (shouting back to the camera): Well, that's all the toime we've got for this episode of "The Crocodoile Huntah!" Be suhre to be heah next toime when we'll go suhrching for anothah very rahre creatuh, the Three-Headed Gov'nment Conspiracy Geek! G'noight everyone! END